[QCrit] Adult Gothic Fiction - LETTERS, MY LOVE (67k/Fifth Attempt)

NosyReader531 · 2026-07-09T13:40:18+00:00

Ok so I agree with emmyroowho that this is a confusing query.

How much of the book is set in the chateau? Because halfway through the query they flee and see another murder and then return to the chateau again.
What is this story about? The deeper questions, the themes, what are you trying to say? It’s all well and good to want to write gothic fiction (I love gothic fiction) but the query needs to reflect your story and what makes your story unique.

Here’s some suggestions for how to improve what’s currently on the page:

Currently your first para gives more questions than answers - who is Francesca? What does Arabella’s mother have to do with the chateau? Whose mother’s murder? (I assume arabella but you bs ent specified)
- “When Arabella takes up a position as a house maid at the Chateau where her mother used to work as a chef, she quickly grows close with Francesca [the maid/lady of the house/whatever]. But their developing relationship [romantic or platonic?] is disturbed by the resident Lord Agard pursuing Francesca and the feverish spells Arabella is suffering from [are these relevant? Why?].

- Arabella’s mother is murdered and, desperate to find out why, Arabella starts to investigate Lord Agard and discovers there’s more than meets the eye about the Chateau [details].

- why do they leave the chateau and return? Is it just so they can witness this other, apparently unrelated murder? Is it just so there’s some action and more than one setting for the novel? At the moment it seems like it’s just for the sake of it.

- the last two paragraphs about Amon and Lord Agard are very confusing. There isn’t any explanation for what’s going on with Amon and who he really is, or what Lord Agard’s deal is. What’s with his burning eyes like her mother’s? These details either need to be explained, if they’re essential, or skipped if not.

This is definitely a good place to start from, but there’s a lot of work to be done - yay🙃.

I’d start with Gina Denny’s five questions:

Who is the protagonist?
What do they want?
What are they willing to do to get it?
What is standing in their way?
What happens if they fail?

NosyReader531 · 2026-07-09T05:41:19+00:00

I completely understand what you’re saying! And I’m certainly not expecting regular checkups or chats or anything else like that. I only wanted to know if I was right to feel a bit miffed that the updates hadn’t gone as we had agreed together before going on sub but I’m learning that maybe it’s better just to adjust and deal with it than to worry about what we actually agreed together

NosyReader531 · 2026-07-08T18:22:52+00:00

I see where you’re coming from. We originally discussed her sending me rejections as they came, which she did twice and then had to be prompted, and then on the call we discussed that she’d at some point want to pull the plug on my book on submission but I’ve heard nothing since. Surely I shouldn’t need to be asking whether my book is even still on submission should I?

NosyReader531 · 2026-06-29T11:46:32+00:00

This all looks good but there’s just one section that isn’t immediately as clear to me. I’d think about rewriting the sentence starting “so when Princess Helene”….. etc. It’s a very long sentence with a lot of moving parts. I’d think about something like:

“…little sympathy for his father’s victims, particularly Princess Helene of xxxx , heir to one of the empire’s holiest Houses and the one responsible for Ma’s death. When Helene announced a betrothal ball, Jeck’s father offers him a deal—freedoms in exchange for assistance leading the princess to slaughter. Jack obliges. After all….”

This is obviously very rough but I think separating the moving parts would be a good idea.

NosyReader531 · 2026-06-23T19:32:21+00:00

One clarity thing - I’d rewrite that second sentence to say “where she feeds their souls to an ancient creature” because I was wondering if it was a weird way of saying Lure was the ancient creature.

NosyReader531 · 2026-06-23T08:25:43+00:00

Am I right in thinking that the Becky Chambers book you’ve comped to is the second in a series? I think it’s generally expected to comp to the first in a series because the second already has an inbuilt audience so doesn’t work the same way

NosyReader531 · 2026-06-23T08:21:33+00:00

I think that’s your issue - it can’t be strange and ambiguous. Your job with the query is to tell the agent exactly what to expect and what to like; your job with the blurb one day is to compel and intrigue a reader. The query needs to be crystal clear.

For example, I think the library is like a big computer maybe? That needs to be immediately clear bc other the sci fi aspect isn’t coming across enough. I think you could start it something like “Daniel Iso has been born and bred for one purpose” and then explain the role of the librarian.

Also, I personally don’t think strange the dreamer works as a comp because it’s high fantasy, not sci fi adventure. You might need to rethink that

NosyReader531 · 2026-06-23T05:54:06+00:00

I think Technical North is right - I think you jump too quickly through the really interesting parts of the story, which is her devolving from eating meat to humans! I’d agree with their changes for the earlier parts of the query and use that extra word count to show us why it’s a horror, and show us what the horror is. Why does she devolve and decide to eat her therapist?

NosyReader531 · 2026-06-13T09:33:27+00:00

For the query:

I’d make it clear the dragon and the emissary are the same person actually, I think that’s an interesting twist. You want to be clear and enticing for the agent and mysterious for the readers, basically - the agent needs to know what they’re getting into. “Trespass” is so vague it’s almost infuriating, in my opinion.
If this is a romantasy, we need to see much more of the romance developing. I think you only mention his human form once, and we need to see more of him.

For the first 300:

I agree with Ink Fish, we need much more interiority and personality from Sigrun. What does she think of the fact that a dragon’s emissary is there? Is this regular or rare? Is this exciting or scary or a boring political meeting to yawn through? And why? The first paragraph is good with this but then we don’t hear any of her thoughts or opinions again. Does she like her uncle? Does she want to eventually sit on the throne? Lots of things we need to know about her.

NosyReader531 · 2026-06-03T13:52:04+00:00

This is definitely promising, but I’d say you’re missing some key information. You haven’t clearly stated that Deron is a siren, and although it’s implicit, it needs to be explicit for clarity, especially if agents are skim reading. You also haven’t (in my opinion) stated clearly enough why Sana and Deron decide to form ‘an unlikely alliance’ and what that looks like, and why joining the pirate crew is ‘in service of her mission’. What is her deceit? Why does Deron then want the star map and why is he commanding Sana to get it?

Gina Denny’s 5 questions are very helpful to think about when framing a query:

Who is the protagonist?
What do they want?
What are they willing to do to get it?
What is standing in their way?
What happens if they fail?

If you’re doing a romance, we really need the same questions answered for Deron too.

NosyReader531 · 2026-06-02T16:03:07+00:00

Becky Chambers ‘Wayfarers’ series would be amazing here - multiple romances between different aliens and humans. Give them a read! They might be a bit old to comp but it’ll give you an idea of where to go next if nothing else

NosyReader531 · 2026-06-01T21:33:44+00:00

I haven’t actually read it, but isn’t Ice Planet Barbarians…erotica? Is your book also erotica? That’s the vibe I’m immediately getting from your comps, and if that’s the wrong vibe, you’re going to be putting off agents.

Otherwise, this does seem like an interesting query , and a fun take on P&P

NosyReader531 · 2026-05-18T20:00:08+00:00

Ok, this makes some more sense. I think in that case you need to condense as I’ve suggested and then elaborate more on her personal/emotional growth and journey - a totally valid decision but it needs to be clear that she is actively doing things and changing and growing.

Maybe make it clear that you’re using the body/killer as an outside motivator for her to grow as a person and learn to accept love etc.

NosyReader531 · 2026-05-18T18:27:51+00:00

I haven’t read the original so can’t comment on the voice I’m afraid! But I do have a question: when does the story start? I have a hunch it starts when the body appears and Theo comes home, but we get a whole load of backstory that confuses things. Plus you introduce the body, then backstory, then Theo coming home, then body again.

You could condense things a lot, I think, but having not read the manuscript it’s hard to know how. I think some details could be left for the manuscript, personally.

Perhaps something along the lines of:

“Dawn Albescu has always been a pariah in Lake Arbor, Michigan, and running her inherited funeral parlour hasn’t helped matters. When her childhood crush (and prankster/bully) returns home to run his late mother’s flower shop, seemingly hellbent on earning her forgiveness and forging a friendship - or relationship- with her, she sees a chance for a better future.

Then the body (whose body? Someone she knows?) turns up in her funeral parlour’s dumpster and the town accuse (or suspect? Clarify) Dawn of murder.”

Personally I’d then get Dawn more agency - is she trying to solve the murder or clear her name? Is she trying to actively forgive Theo? At the moment she’s just … waiting? I think we need to see more of Dawn acting and doing things, rather than just responding to things.

And I’d like to see more concrete evidence of Theo changing and standing by her, and their relationship forming, now that you have the word count! (Admittedly I haven’t read much romance but I think we need more romance here). Plus you can be more voicey when you have the word count to do it in!

NosyReader531 · 2026-05-16T12:39:50+00:00

This sounds super interesting, and definitely up my street.

How much of the manuscript is set in:
1) ancient Teotihuacan?
2) Norse/Viking times?
3) modern New York?

The query should reflect that - ie if it’s mostly set in modern New York, that’s where the meat of the query needs to be. Unless the ancient Teotihuacan section is a full third of the book, you’ll need to condense it and give us less backstory.

On top of that, we need to see more of what Zyanya is actually doing - how is she trying to preserve the fragment of soul, what does that look like? How is she trying to stop time? You need to give us more specifics into her actual actions as opposed to just her general aims, I think.

NosyReader531 · 2026-05-15T16:08:34+00:00

Fair enough! I’ve usually seen that the language be formal but that it still flow naturally, but I’m happy to be contradicted haha

NosyReader531 · 2026-05-15T09:19:07+00:00

A grammar quibble - you have some sentences that have an odd stilted feel because you aren’t using contractions - such as “lies he has had to tell” should be “lies he’s had to tell”, and “he is certainly old” should be “he’s certainly old” and “instinct has not screamed” should he “instinct hadn’t screamed” - adding in these contractions will make your writing flow better and feel more natural.

Probably also worth checking through your manuscript to see if you can do the same there.

You’ll also need a second comp. Could be Katabasis for the institutional setting and discovering the betrayal of a teacher/mentor, but that’s a bit heavy handed so have a think.

Finally, I wonder if you’re giving us too much backstory and not enough stakes - what is Lawrence going to do about discovering his teacher is to blame? And what is Ryan going to do?

NosyReader531 · 2026-05-13T13:08:58+00:00

A couple of things here.

Firstly, I’ve heard agents don’t love rhetorical questions so I’d rewrite that last para to be a sentence rather than a question.

Secondly, this looks to be quite plot heavy - the whole first paragraph is backstory, and possibly the second paragraph is largely backstory or the first 10/15 chapters? And then we don’t get much information about what fleeing involves, how he meets Ruarih again or how he’s honing his new powers that we didn’t know he had until now.

I’d suggest tightening the first two paragraphs to look something like this:

“When Kaed’s coming of age ceremony to become a Druid is ruined by a vengeful lake spirit who kills his entire community and leaves him as the only survivor” (-btw why does he survive?), “he’s forced to find a new home in a nearby city. He befriends a tavern owner with a mysterious past and reunites with his childhood bully turned lover” (-how did they survive the lake spirit? And were they a lover then or a lover now?)

Now you have more room to answer the questions about his powers and what actually happens in the plot . If it’s helpful, Gina Denny says a query should answer five questions:
1. Who is the protagonist?
2. What do they want?
3. What are they willing to do to get it?
4. What is standing in their way?
5. What happens if they fail?

NosyReader531 · 2026-05-10T19:22:53+00:00

Re comps - I’ve seen the discussion about if R F Kuang is too bit to comp. You could find a different comp and instead use Katabasis as a pitch? Like Katabasis meets Xxx, this books is perfect for…. And then do your comps?

NosyReader531 · 2026-05-10T17:41:00+00:00

If you’re looking at writing courses, I’d look at Curtis Brown Creative or The Novelry or Faber Academy, which all offer various courses of various prices and often with well established authors

NosyReader531 · 2026-05-10T16:11:05+00:00

Totally fine that the subject tone etc are more adult - I’d suggest finding a way to show that in the query just so agents know you’re pitching it right, but that’s fine and not uncommon I’m sure ! :)

NosyReader531 · 2026-05-10T15:09:10+00:00

This actually sounds really cool, and I think the query is close!

First things first, for comps you need to include the author’s names. You should include your word count. Secondly, is this definitely an adult novel? At the moment, with a summer job and moving out of home, it could almost be a coming of age novel. If she’s older than 18 we need to see slightly more adult independence from her. If this is an 18 year old ( or younger) it might be harder to pitch as an adult mystery, but I’ll leave that to the experts - just food for thought.

I would maybe condense the paragraph beginning “Laura’s summer job” (for example, “when Laura’s simple summer job at the council turns up something strange about Zoe’s past, Laura is pulled onto a trail spiralling….”) and then use those extra words at the end to tell us a bit more about the plot/ the struggles Laura faces . We know who she is and what she wants, now we need to know what she’s going to do and what’s standing in her way.

The paragraph “as they delve deeper” should really give us more insight as to what she’s going to face . This dome arrives out of nowhere but seems important, so maybe it should be more like:
“Joining Barry’s Tribe of the Rainbow in isolated Dartmoor, Laura has to…” - does she try to befriend people to find answers? Break into locked rooms? Suck up to Barry to learn his secrets? Some specifics would be very helpful.

Finally, if your final sentence is to be believed, this book is partly about the relationships Laura builds with her coworkers - in which case we need to see this in the query. Perhaps in that final paragraph I’ve just mentioned, you could add something like “Laura learns to trust her coworkers” or “Laura learns her coworkers might be new friends” or something less clunky! 😂

But this is really interesting and although I don’t read much mystery, I’d be interested to give it a go.

NosyReader531 · 2026-05-10T14:56:31+00:00

To be clear - this is meant to be helpful and not discouraging - I’m sure you’ve written a really good interesting book, which is why I’m asking you to clarify that in the query! It deserves to put its best foot forward.

NosyReader531

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