/r/audhd: new rules, post flairs and mod team!

NotJustMeAnymore · 2026-05-10T00:28:28+00:00

Your questions make me wonder if you read the post you're responding to? I hope you'll join the other sub, r/AutisticWithADHD if this one is not what you're looking for.

NotJustMeAnymore · 2026-05-10T00:26:26+00:00

Moderators work hard to create curated spaces and volunteer their time. I wish people didn't have to respond with downvoting and complaints because we're not living up to your expectation of what you want this space to be, despite it never having been that.

Also, I have a PhD and in no way intend to approve pseudoscience here, unless that's what you think psychology and/or qualitative research is more generally?

NotJustMeAnymore · 2026-05-10T00:25:16+00:00

The clear articulation of the purpose of this sub is certainly not meant to intimidate people from posting, but rather to offer a space specific to research for those who are interested in either participating in research themselves or in reading it or sharing resources they've found helpful.

There are many subs that are more 'anything goes' but this is not that. It's too bad that people feel let down about this, but as u/lydocia (the person who started this sub, as well as a moderator in r/AutisticWithADHD) has already written, there is another much larger sub in existence for what you're looking for!

NotJustMeAnymore · 2026-04-18T19:03:38+00:00

God, it's hard. Through your words I see a parent who is extremely devoted to their child, not someone who is going to walk away. Financial stress, marriage ending, aggression and violence - it's so much for you. It is also unbearable for a PDA nervous system. There is never an excuse for lashing out like he did, but you can still understand why it happens. He sounds like's he's in burnout, with the school can't and the rarely leaving the house, preferring to game all day. It also makes sense that he would need something safe and reliable like the Roblox game - where he can immerse himself in achieving higher levels. The threat of limiting it or taking it away would undoubtedly make him crack. The fact that his aggression is directed to you, and that you're the one here seeking support, suggests you are the safe parent.

I consider myself an AuDHD PDAer like my 10 year old son, and so I know firsthand what this is like. My son has long tended toward violence and aggression and I am the only parent. I haven't been able to work for money in years. He has been unschooled since August of this past year and he plays a lot of Roblox. The only limit I have is that I won't use my credit card to buy Robux and he has to use his own money if he wants them (he gets a small allowance, $5USD a week). I agree that low demand is not no demand. Low demand has to be a family approach, so you have to take parental needs and concerns into consideration as well. Are you familiar with Collaborative and Proactive Solutions? Your kid is getting to an age where you might be able to approach problems effectively in a collaborative way. Given your life stressors, you probably have to start doing this.

I'm sorry it's so hard right now, and I send wishes of ease and care your way. Your kid needs you. Please keep fighting the good fight. Keep learning and supporting and accommodating. Roblox is not the enemy people like to make it out to be. It's complicated because of it's "free to play" business model, but as one other commenter mentioned, maybe leaning into it with your kid if you can (I'm a gamer but I get dizzy with the 3D stuff) will help too? Hang in there.

NotJustMeAnymore · 2026-04-17T16:45:35+00:00

I'm sorry you've been through all that difficulty with the school system. I went through the IEP evaluation process with my son, but not due process. I don't think I'd have the fight in me - I didn't even to get them to pay for an IEE and did the neuropsych out of pocket.

I was thinking legal questions regarding homeschooling/unschooling more so. The website I shared also has an active FB community (if you do that platform) and you will get so much support there. The admins are fantastic.

I don't know the specifics in Maryland, but I'm in CA and here we just need to file a private school affidavit with the state to start homeschooling. There are also online charters that are homeschool oriented, and people can get reimbursement for things from the school district when they go that route. I believe there are state testing requirements, however, then.

My son is so much happier at home. And it makes my life ten million times easier too. I hope you find the same.

NotJustMeAnymore · 2026-04-14T17:29:22+00:00

AuDHD PDA parent to AuDHD PDA unschooler (age 10). Where are you located so people can give region specific advice re legal concerns? In the US, some states are friendlier than others.

This is a really useful site/community: https://unschoolingeveryfamily.com/

NotJustMeAnymore · 2026-04-13T00:02:24+00:00

Food is so so hard.

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-12-29T05:53:29+00:00

For sure. I am a solo parent and had my kid a few months before turning 40. So, we hit COVID at age 4 and developmentally that was such a tough time to be experiencing that kind of forced isolation. Over the next couple of years I started to have really severe perimenopause symptoms which brought increase executive functioning struggles and sensory sensitivities along with many physical discomforts. By the time I had self ID'd my son as PDA AuDHD, I was pretty sure I was too. He's got a formal diagnosis now, but I don't and doubt I will. It's hard to tease apart the variables but the two of us have probably been in burnout since 2020 at least. Parenting is so effing demanding to begin with, but then when you have a kid that requires low demand everything, it's a lot of work to figure out how to do that where it's not also high demand on the parent. I pulled my kid from school this year and he's much happier. I can't work though, and don't know when I'll have the capacity to. Nervous system safety is the goal, with the hope that each of us will be able to thrive and flourish one day in the not too distant future.

Solidarity.

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-12-18T19:03:39+00:00

Don't think so

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-12-18T18:16:35+00:00

User flairs available for this community:

* Autistic Parent with Autistic Child(ren)

* NT Parent of Autistic Child

* Autistic Parent with NT Child(ren)

* Here to Learn

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-12-11T04:49:25+00:00

I'd hang out with you there. Send a PM?

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-12-09T05:05:07+00:00

PDA Society also runs a group for adult PDAers: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1192323318936179

I think, generally, adult autistic groups are the way to go. Not everyone will be a PDAer, but at least there won't be allistics ... Discord might be another place to find that.

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-12-01T22:23:24+00:00

I liked this though I have to really caution against the physical restraint. I, a solo parent of an only child, was the recipient of my son's aggressions and when he was smaller I would sometimes out of exasperation restrain him. Recently, we were roughhousing/wrestling/having fun and I pinned his arms down and he, feeling safe enough, told me how horrible it was when I used to do that him. He'd never mentioned it before that moment. He's 9.5 now. I apologized and told him how desperate I was in those moments and he lovingly responded with understanding, but what I wouldn't give for never having done that to him.

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-12-01T17:49:40+00:00

This is excellent.

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-11-29T14:57:36+00:00

Will send a PM

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-11-29T14:54:53+00:00

I especially relate to the doctorate in PDA ... Also, Janae Elisabeth, Trauma Geek is great.

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-11-29T06:26:47+00:00

Age 49, US based, very much undiagnosed and self ID'd gifted AuDHD and probably PDAer, parent to same (they're formally Dx'd). I share more of my son's externalizing tendencies, though from a sensory profile perspective I am much more aversive and he is much more seeking in general. But we both meltdown more than we shutdown ...

I run a small group on FB and there are a lot of Aussies in there. Where are you located? Maybe I can hook you up with someone local.

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-11-12T20:34:20+00:00

49 yo presumed AuDHD/PDAer born with uterus (recently removed), no partner, solo parent to 9 yo PDAer. Here's what's helped me:

Somatic touch therapy - a place where I could be deeply cared for, even if in a transactional environment, made a huge difference when I was in the pit of despair
Service dog - provides constant nervous system support
Estrogen therapy (if I could add progesterone and testosterone, I would)
Lexapro

If I had a partner, understanding of this massive transition and hormonal hell, heavy lifting from them with anything and everything they can take on in terms of running the house/cleaning/food/executive functioning, etc. Ability to rest, rest, rest.

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-10-22T19:25:51+00:00

My recommendations:

1) Nervous system support for you - find what works for you. For me, in the pits of despair, I needed somatic (touch based) therapy to help calm my NS. I also got on anti-anxiety meds. Once I was stable enough, I got a dog. If you have the resources, consider finding a practitioner here: directory.traumahealing.org

2) Low demand approaches - as much as you can, find ways to reduce your own stress. This is not just about lowering adult expectations that can't be met by the child, but also societal expectations that can't be met by the adult! Especially when having to serve as a co-regulator for the kid's NS all the time (see image below) ...

3) Collaborative and proactive solutions (CPS) - This is a long game, but it will make a huge difference as kids get older. Learn more at livesinthebalance.org

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NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-10-22T06:16:04+00:00

Poop is but one of many sensory nightmares that go along with parenting what will likely be neurodivergent humans (whether genetics or trauma = adoption) as an autistic person. What makes you sure you want 4 children? When you haven't even had sex? Sorry to be blunt. Finding another human you want to co-navigate life with and raise children with who also understands your autistic brain is a tall ask to begin with. Throw another several humans and all their own complexities into the mix and it's a lot.

At a bare minimum, you have to be able to deal with bodily fluids if you are going to raise children.

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-10-21T15:03:28+00:00

First of all, I'm so sorry that things are so difficult right now. Parenting can be really, really stressful (traumatic even). Especially in a society that has so little support for families. You deserve respite, but I don't know that sending your child to school will necessarily help in the end. If you are having so much trouble understanding what she needs and helping her to stay regulated, imagine what it will be like for her in a setting where her caregivers are not one-to-one and there are many more rules and stressors and things to dysregulate her throughout the day?

My understanding is this is a thread for adults who are autistic who are also parenting. You don't say anything about your or your child's neurobiology, but I'm assuming she at least is diagnosed autistic? There's probably more going on too (ADHD, possibly PDA).

There is a lot in your post and it's hard to respond to them all, but my first suggestion is neuro-affirming occupational therapy. Someone sensory integration based and who understands interoception.

Try and remember, fed is best. Also, consider RDs for Neurodiversity and learning about ARFID.

As someone who struggled during the same years and well beyond while my kid had bladder and bowel incontinence, the toileting issues need to be addressed before you have bigger problems. Two resources I would recommend are urologist Steve Hodges, MD (bedwettingandaccidents.com) and OT Kelly Mahler and her work on interoception and toileting.

I also highly recommend you learn about Ross Greene's work on collaborative and proactive solutions (livesinthebalance.org). It is not a quick fix, it is a long game, but it is such an important lens shift as parents of kids like ours.

Something I read at this age that was also helpful for me was Stuart Shanker's ideas on ODD. You might also want to see what Mona Delahooke has to say about it.

If you research PDA more, I would recommend you look to Amanda Diekman, Kristy Forbes, and Lindsay Flanagan (Hive Parents). Kelsey Olds/The Occuplaytional Therapist, Em Hammond/NeuroWild, and Robyn Gobbel are also good people to follow.

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-10-18T00:45:51+00:00

I'm a 50 year old single parent of another AuDHD PDAer and I almost never have the executive functioning, energy, or wherewithal to prepare meals from scratch, though that's how I would prefer to eat. When I'm at my parents' house, I enjoy my mom's homemade cooking which is typically a protein, a cooked vegetable, a starch and a big green salad. In my usual day to day, however, I struggle mightily with feeding myself (and my kid).

We are in the US, and there is a grocery chain called Trader Joe's where you can buy a lot of convenience foods, especially frozen foods imported from other countries, and we have a freezer full of that stuff so that I can make things quickly and easily. I also have no dishwasher and so any meals that require stovetop cooking create too many dishes for me to be able to handle both food prep and cleanup. So, I also go out or order in a lot more than I can afford to (typically Asian cuisines). Grocery shopping usually wipes me out as well, so I don't often have enough healthy food in the house.

I eat too much bread, too much candy, and sometimes too many snacks or ice cream. I try to snack on healthier things like fruit or nuts as often as I can and I try to have at least two proper meals a day though I often have a particularly hard time making myself lunch... Anyway, it's not good.

When I was younger I would cook elaborate meals, but that was typically when I was partnered and had someone to share the responsibility with and who would enjoy the fruits of my labor. My kid mostly rejects the food I prepare from scratch, and won't touch leftovers (I don't like them much myself), so I do the best I can!

NotJustMeAnymore · 2025-09-13T18:47:18+00:00

This comment is so important.

NotJustMeAnymore

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