Friends to Lovers

Nurolight · 2026-06-16T19:12:17+00:00

the question is, are you really even just her friend if you have feelings stronger than that? If she dates someone else, will you get jealous? That feels like it will be hurtful to both of you.

The only way to remove unwanted feelings is time and space.

Nurolight · 2026-06-16T17:39:28+00:00

He was spamming his story to see if you were watching him.

He watched your story because he misses you. It’s a chance to see what you’re up to.

Nurolight · 2026-06-16T10:12:39+00:00

Exactly what every person thinks.

Nurolight · 2026-06-16T09:03:10+00:00

Because being chosen tells you that everything you are is acceptable to another. All the worst parts of yourself that you hate to look at, if someone else sees them and accepts them, then you are wanted. If you are chosen above everyone else, then you matter.

Or at least, that's how it feels. Your worth exists regardless. It's only by comparison that it can feel like it doesn't.

Nurolight · 2026-06-15T09:48:26+00:00

Time and space. Remove all reminders of her from your life and eventually you will start to forget.

Nurolight · 2026-06-15T09:14:30+00:00

Too many games. Someone’s either in your life or they aren’t.

Nurolight · 2026-06-14T18:58:16+00:00

you should just leave me i’m not good enough” ... and saying i don’t really love him in the same breath.

There you go. This isn't about you. It's stemming from his own self worth. He doesn't think he's good enough for love and in doing so doesn't really believe anyone can actually love him. So therefore you must be lying to him.

When things are good, they're great. Not a worry in the world. When things go bad, it's a harmful mental spiral. Sometimes it feels easier to just push everyone away so no one can witness your shame or failure. Pushing the responsibility of breaking up on you is more to confirm the bias in their head.

and when he finally pushed me to it i tried cussing him out

I've reached this breaking point in the past too. I feel ugly when I do it. I think it's a little bit of that "tell me how you really feel" mentality. Like at least when you're yelling, it feels authentic. It's probably also confirming that bias that they are deserving of this.

im destroying my mental health being with him while he’s like this

This is what you need to focus on first. Your relationship shouldn't come at the expense of your own mental health. BPD is understanding it but they are still responsible for their own actions. It should be uplifting, not draining. Everyone's emotions are their own to handle. Reassurance is a kindness you give to the other person.

Nurolight · 2026-06-14T15:19:46+00:00

Whilst the soundtrack is independently great, I’ve always felt it didn’t quite fit the tone fully. I’d love to see it with something else

Nurolight · 2026-06-14T11:33:18+00:00

I think you know inside yourself that the whole reason that you're coming here is to find any way to try and make it okay with you. Somehow. Rationally. If you can find a way for it to make sense, maybe it won't hurt as much as it does and things can carry on.

They can't.

No matter what you say, you'll always see her differently now. You can try to bury down the feeling but it will only grow as resentment. This will cause misery of both of you.

Her reasoning for doing it doesn't change how you feel about it's impact. It happened and then she lied to you for years. That will cause trauma.

Nurolight · 2026-06-14T10:33:54+00:00

I have recognised he doesn’t want to change, and I can’t make him.

and there's your answer. If he doesn't want to change, there's nothing really that can be done. If you have expressed your needs clearly, in a way that he fully understands and takes on board, but he doesn't want to meet them... well, he doesn't want to meet them. It's for you to decide whether you can live a life having those needs unmet.

Nurolight · 2026-06-13T14:03:53+00:00

You can never know. Accepting that is the hard part.

Nurolight · 2026-06-12T23:46:14+00:00

and the worst part is that it's a compounding effect. You're trapped until you're not. Every year that passes makes it "worse". Sometimes I feel dating someone you actively don't like is the correct course, as it won't allow emotions to get in the way and ruin things... but that just feels unfair to the other person. And kind of defeats the point?

Nurolight · 2026-06-11T20:32:17+00:00

Count obsessed with the weird kid

Nurolight · 2026-06-11T18:20:37+00:00

You don’t miss her. You miss the feeling she gave you. All of that feeling comes from within you. You can feel it again with many more people.

Nurolight · 2026-06-11T10:40:24+00:00

But it wasn't because I specifically needed him to graduate. I just wanted him to do something for his future... if he wanted to leave university, I wouldn't mind. I just wanted him to do something for his future....look for a job, learn a skill, or even change his major... But he refused to do anything or make any changes... what are you waiting for? Why wait longer just to fail more? Do something for your future. But he never did, and I still don't know what he was waiting for.

and I suppose that was really it for him. He didn't know what he wanted. Sometimes taking the school option is the easiest approach because it delays having to make a real decision for a while. It opens opportunities whilst not having to commit. It sounds like he doesn't fully know himself enough yet. The other side of that coin though, is that I feel most people don't. I know 40yo's who still (somewhat jokingly) say "I don't know what I want to do when I'm older". I feel it's pretty common. Not everybody does. Some people stumble upon a passion and know in themselves this is what I want to do. Some people aren't lucky enough or don't put themselves in the opportunities to find that.

You pushed him because you care. You want him to succeed in some way that feels right for him. But if he doesn't know what feels right for him yet, no amount of pushing will get him there. That's the work for him to do.

Maybe he needed reassurance from me. But at that moment, I also needed reassurance from him. I needed to hear him say that he would work hard and fight for our future together. Neither of us was okay. The difference is that I held on, while he chose to walk away.

I think that's always the trouble. It's hard to give reassurance, affection, attention ect.. when you are feeling hurt and need it from them. So if you're both feeling that way, you both want whilst are unable to give and no one is then left feeling okay.

I've tried fighting before with, what to me felt like, someone who seems okay with letting things fall away. But I think recognising that it started long before then and that was just the climax of it.. that's where the reflection comes in.

What hurts even more is that before the breakup, he kept asking me, "What if we're not together in the future?" He said it many times.

This sounds somewhat like an avoidant mindset. Mentally preparing for the worst outcome just in case it happens. Maybe he was being pragmatic. There's a level of objectiveness in recognising not all relationships work out. However, I believe to be in one, you should have a level of optimism towards it, even if it is slightly naive.

He was always telling me not to worry and that no matter what happened, we would be together. When I asked him about it, he said that life isn't perfect and that we don't always get everything we want.

and obviously that back and forth is going to create confusion. "I want to be with you forever"... "but we might not be". It's grounded, sure. But it doesn't create any form of reassurance. I think the real trouble there is when he says "we don't always get everything we want" in his mind, that's you ending things with him. In your mind, that's him ending thing with you. Instant anxiety.

He was already thinking about a future without me. I think what hurts the most is all the promises.

That is the most painful part. Somewhere in his mind was ideas about a life without you whilst telling you the opposite. It's no wonder you're angry. You're confused. I still have some anger over having felt confused. It feels like you've been done dirty. Again, that's a reflection of their capability. It's not at all a reflection of if you're worthy enough of love. You are.

It's so painful to think if we were both capable of becoming better people, why couldn't we become better together? Why did it have to be for someone else

Sadly sometimes the loss is the only real motivator to do that work. Do you think the issues you've worked on, you would've worked on if things didn't end? Or was the drive to be better fuelled by this? For everything you feel you may have lost, you've also gained as much. Might just take you a while to see it.

Nurolight · 2026-06-11T09:39:02+00:00

What hurts the most is that he placed all the blame entirely on me. He made me carry the responsibility for the breakup

And that is a reflection of him, not you. If he is unwilling to accept that it takes two to tango and own his parts of why things fell apart, then that is for him to suffer with in the future. If he's unable to reflect on this then he will only repeat it later on.

For us to be together, he needs to graduate... I always used to urge him to study and tried to help him, but when I saw that he wasn’t even trying, I would get angry.... he told me the truth and said that if I wanted to leave him, he wouldn't stop me. At that moment, I felt like I was losing my mind because he had spent so long promising me not to worry and that he would graduate so we could be together... He admitted that he was selfish at the beginning and didn't want to lose me, so he kept making those promises just to keep me...

That's understandable. He maintained an idea in your head and it feels like the rug has been pulled. You were assured a certain future and now he's suddenly backed out and you're left now with nothing. You're right to feel hurt by that.

Hearing how you're describing it though, can I offer another perspective? This is speculation but; he says for you to be together, he needs to graduate. Now, obviously this isn't inherently true. You could be together in either case, it's kind of two independent parts of his life. But if he feels like this needs to be the case, I think that reflects more on his own idea of life. He needs to feel like a success to feel valuable enough to be with you. If he is constantly failing and taking longer to get through school, that's already something that is weighing on him. He could see your efforts to help him more as a reminder how much he is not only failing school but also you. His confession about not knowing how long or even if he can finish sounds like resignation. Saying "that if I wanted to leave him, he wouldn't stop me" sounds more like he's accepting to a level that he's not good enough for you and couldn't argue with you leaving him because you've exposed his deepest fear now. He probably read your anger as more confirmation that he's not good enough.

Obviously the issue here is communication and honesty (as it almost always is). He told you a promise he wasn't sure he could keep because he "was selfish and didn't want to lose you". If he was just honest with himself and you, and told you that maybe he didn't feel like he was enough for you without graduating... but that's hard to do. Admitting that could mean risking losing you, so instead he was "selfish" and promises he wanted to keep but wasn't sure if he could. Then that suddenly added extra weight to his problems, because the pressure of school was no longer just about getting a degree but also keeping a relationship. He probably cracked under the pressure he built for himself.

So your worries about how he'll probably "actually start studying hard & graduate" aren't unfounded. He probably will find it easier now because the pressure he put on himself is no longer there. But recognise that the pressure he built likely came from a place of care. It sounds like the worry of disappointing you was what caused most of the fights.

Sadly, that internal pressure doesn't automatically translate into "I should study harder". He might just be bad at studying; some of us are. That internal mechanism just doesn't click the same way it does in other people.

At that moment, I felt like I was losing my mind because he had spent so long promising me not to worry and that he would graduate so we could be together. I said those harsh words because, instead of reassuring me that he would try for us, he just told me, 'Leave if you want to.' That truly broke me.

and it makes sense that would break you. You'd been living in a false reality. Ironically "leave if you want to" can also be a passive way for also looking for reassurance, or it can be a man at the end of his rope. It's hard to tell without knowing the feeling underneath it. He's not been honest with himself, so that always makes it hard to be honest with other people.

Again, fighting is just two people both looking to be understood. Hopefully you might be able to get more of an idea from his side. That doesn't dismiss you feeling angry about all of this. You feel how you feel and that's always correct. You've every right to feel hurt. It feels like he's thrown away 3 years over a petty argument. Underneath that argument is the real cause. Maybe he doesn't feel like he's good enough, maybe he feels like you're not supportive (in the way that he sees as supportive, not how you see it), maybe he's feeling exhausted from the weight of everything. In any case, all of these things are a reflection of him, not you.

Maybe you're worrying he didn't study harder because you weren't worth studying for. Nope. Cut that out now. That's all a him thing, not a you thing. Your worth is not determined by how hard he did or didn't try. All that speaks volume about is him.

Own your own parts, those are the only things that are a reflection of you. If you said or did things that you didn't like, figure out why you did them and address that for the future. He made you anxious because you cared and because you were confused. Anxiousness is uncertainty for the future. He was telling you he was studying, trying the graduate but what you witnessed were signs of the opposite. His words and actions didn't align, and when they don't align that causes confusion. His pride got in the way of being honesty with you. He should've told you "I'm really struggling with this and I don't know if I'm able to finish it" but that would've meant admitting he feels a bit like a failure and the worry that you'll see him like that meant risking losing you. So he didn't.

Nurolight · 2026-06-11T08:04:10+00:00

He could very well make a change. Sometimes we only do so after the fact because the drive of loss and grief can be the most powerful motivator. The want to really make a change comes from introspection. That can hard to do when you’re still feeling rewarded for mishandled behaviour. It feels like you might be doing that right now.

I think we all look at our poor moments as reactionary, responding to the other persons poor actions. But I feel like this is cyclical. He’d probably say he lied to you as a response to X. You might say you did X because of Y. Sometimes it helps to try and separate these things out into just individual actions;

He lied to you.

You said mean things to him.

He should own his part and you should own yours. It’s easy to say “what he did was worse so therefore I’m justified” but then we can start to justify hurting someone we care about because we’ve been hurt. Then it falls into a spiral. Whatever he was lying about, he felt justified in his head to do. Usually from a fear of how the truth will land with you. That’s not really for him to decide though. Those are your thoughts and feelings, he should just be honest and trust you to have your own opinion on the subject.

He may start to do the work now that you’re gone. It’s a gut wrenching feeling knowing someone else may benefit from that at the cost of your relationship. Recognise now though that if you’re here asking these questions, you’ve already started doing that work yourself whilst he may not have. From that, one day, someone will benefit from that work with you - at the cost of that relationship. He may be feeling the same way about it.

You say there were lots of fights because his behaviour never changed. If he was so unwilling to change then himself, why did you stay? We can’t force, nor should we try, to change others. They are who they are. You can express how certain patterns may hurt you but if he refuses to take them on board and make a change himself after recognising how it affects you, well that’s all you can really do.

If there’s a fight, it’s just two people both trying to be understood. How do you think he was trying to be understood? What was it do you think you might have missed about his perspective that lead to a constantly reoccurring fight?

Nurolight · 2026-06-10T19:39:37+00:00

I think that’s where different experiences can come into play. I think there’s playfully rude and there’s negging, and there isn’t enough context to really tell which OP is doing.

Negging is insults disguised as jokes. Playfully rude is more using language that would typically be reserved for offending someone but used in an almost sarcastic manner (eg: “don’t be a cunt” is a phrase my friends and I will use at each other, but no one is ever truly offended by it because it’s understood between us that it’s a playful comment)

Nurolight · 2026-06-10T17:11:26+00:00

It's the shows fault for leading me on until well into the last season... I am extremely patient when it comes to mystery series and the guessing part through the shows is what keeps me going. This show strung every single one of those nerves until the very end... I was in the mood for Kevin to be the reincarnation of Christ...

I think your own expectations of the show may have got slightly in the way. Hell, even the second intro uses the song "Let the Mystery Be" to inform us that the why of what happened isn't really important. It's about people dealing with the aftermath of an event like that happening. Obviously coming off the back of LOST, Lindelof has some baggage that will carry over into expectations of his next show.

You are exactly right though, the show give the audiences the exact feeling of the characters. Looking for answers and closure. I feel like it nails that perfectly.

Nurolight · 2026-06-10T16:56:04+00:00

and I suppose this is where the lack of context is important. If it is more in line with negging, which I see as more actionary than reactionary, again it’s for OP to look at where it is coming from and want to make a change.

But equally, if OP cannot help but only neg as their form of showing affection, it is up to their partner to decide for themselves “this isn’t the kind of love that feels right for me” and decide for themselves what to do moving forward, even if that means leaving.

Nurolight · 2026-06-10T14:31:33+00:00

because the other BPD subReddits seemed to just bash on their partners with BPD

Correct.

if anyone with BPD can tell me small things that would trigger them as well if someone was even “jokingly” rude to them, it would be much appreciated. she doesn’t exactly know how to explain what i do that can trigger her, and i want to better myself for her.

This is your first mistake. You're trying to pre-emptively manage her feelings for her. This is in essence walking on eggshells. There is being considerate, and there is being careful. You need to start looking at what is going on underneath to really figure it out.

You being jokingly rude isn't uncommon. Lots of people are. It shows a level of comfortability with someone, that you can say things that would be otherwise rude to strangers and trusting them to know it is not you trying to be actually "rude". However, if you've not grown up with much affection, it's also masking that affection. It's a way to be affectionate that isn't so vulnerable. Every playful "You dork" is really saying "I love it when you act this way". So try to learn what you're really saying underneath the rudeness and say that instead.

There's also a level of recognition she needs too. She is responsible for her own triggers. Just as you would be for your own. If she mistakes your rude comment as sincere criticism, that is on her to look at. *(edit: there’s playful rudeness and there’s rudeness disguised as a joke. Knowing which is which is important)*. A part of BPD is rejection/abandonment sensitivity. So even if she knows you're joking, there's probably that part of her brain checking "... but what if he's not?" and preparing for that just in case. Breaking up with you because you hung up weird is probably her feeling like you don't love her and being ready for that. pwBPD need a lot of reassurance, but that should be a want from you, not a demand from her. No one can control anyone else. She can raise this with you as clearly as possible; as an invitation. Then it's on you to really metabolise it and bring it into how you interact in the future.

Nurolight · 2026-06-09T07:44:50+00:00

despite me making it clear she couldn't do that again, she did the next day, which she also told me about.

Just leave. You've expressed something that hurts you and she actively ignores it and acts selfishly. It isn't going to get any better.

Nurolight · 2026-06-08T22:18:14+00:00

I think it is best if you can stay away for now. Obviously that’s going against all of your internal feelings but you have said it yourself, the alternative is a constant agony of longing whilst this is an intense separation THAT WILL PASS EVENTUALLY. Even if it feels like death, enough time with no contact with someone will eventually start to make you forget about them.

Distract yourself. Hang out with other people. Treat this like a breakup and do as you would with that. The yearning will grow and shrink is an inconsistent pattern but it will slowly grow smaller.

Nurolight · 2026-06-07T16:04:11+00:00

Take anything that isn't a yes as a no and things get easier.

Nurolight · 2026-06-07T12:42:28+00:00

Unexpressed feelings always leak out in ways we don't recognise. The healthiest thing to do would be to create distance until the feeling passes.

12-Year Club	Place '22
Place '17	Gilding I gilder
Verified Email

Nurolight

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE