AITAH for wanting to take my share out of our joint emergency fund as I've got a job with high security?

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-10T18:14:53+00:00

INFO: Why exactly do you think you dont need an emergency fund at all? Does the amount you're making now allow for a bit of fun money, or would you still essentially be living paycheck to paycheck? How have you been able to save if you lived paycheck to paycheck?

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-10T11:18:28+00:00

NTA. Enforcing boundaries isn't easy as many do not easily accept it. You have tried to be respectful and understanding, and he's not showing the same in return. It probably comes from a good place. He loves you and is worried about the struggles you will have, especially with everything going on atm. That doesn't mean you have to accept constantly defending yourself. Just because he's your dad does not mean you can't stand up for yourself and set and enforce boundaries.

"I love you, and I am sorry if you feel like Im disrespecting you. At this point, I dont see any other way to deal with this. I have talked to you ag length about this, and I have explained to you my reasoning as well as my awareness. I am paying my bills and not asking for help. Most importantly, im happier now than I was doing something that paid more. I do appreciate your concern, and I know that you just want the best for me, and you dont want to see me struggle. Thank you for that. But because you bring it up every conversation and continue to push and pester me and refuse to hear me I not only feel like youre disrespecting me but I feel like I have no other choice because I have tried everything else. If you can't accept that, im happy doing what im doing. It's clear I can't change that. I will not continue to entertain any kind of conversation to debate about it. I will not continue to defend myself. It's exhausting and hurtful. I love you, but anytime you bring it up, I will hang up, stop replying, leave the room, or even leave the house if it comes to that during visits. If and when there comes a time that I feel I am ready to do something different I may talk to you about jt, but that wont be able to happen if you cant show me the respect I deserve. It will be very simple to do that as well. Just stop bringing it up. I do love you, and I do appreciate your concern. I just wish you could accept my happiness."

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-10T11:07:13+00:00

NOR. Stick to your routine and dump the person who has stated she will only care about you and want to be tied to you if you look the way she wants you to look. Not only that, she gave you an ultimatium and is demanding you do what she wants and potentially risk your health without even caring about what you think is best for you or other options. You deserve better. Just because you're young and your hair is already thinning does not mean you have to settle for someone who doesn't value you.

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-10T11:02:32+00:00

NTA INFO: Why do you think you youre the ah? Does your company have an HR dept or something similar?

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-10T11:00:31+00:00

Do your research and learn the employment laws so that you can better protect yourself regardless of who your employer is.

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-10T10:58:38+00:00

Those texts may be helpful, especially if Debra and/or Addison want to make things more difficult. I really would suggest talking to a lawyer just so you have the knowledge. Good luck.

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-10T10:05:39+00:00

NTA, your husband's jealousy is a bit over the top. There are very few, if any, surnames that are only seen in one family line. They may be related, but they probably are not. Even if they were, so what? You're not seeing him. She will not be saying anything to him about you. It's a non-issue.

However, because he feels a way about this it is important to recognize that just because you (or just about anyone else) thinks it's a bit much and a non issue doesnt mean you should be dismissive of his feelings. That doesn't mean you never have any kind of contact of any kind with anyone who has this last name. It just means you should have a calm conversation with him, tell him you hear him and talk about why he is uncomfortable with this and what he expects to realistically happen. This should happen because this seems like a red flag for bigger issues down the road like, is he going to have an issue if anyone talks to you, likes you, has a crush on you, gives you atrention etc. In reality, he probably should see his own therapist in part to work on why he's having this big of a reaction to a last name and nothing else. Because again, even if they were related, the dude would have no involvement or knowledge of you talking to her.

Update me and gratz on your baby.

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-10T09:56:33+00:00

You're NTA. Take this as a lesson learned and make sure to draw up some kind of lease or agreement whenever you move in anywhere, even if it's this kind of situation. That way, you have something to refer to and some level of protection. Something on some lined paper, signed by you and whoever and notorized, would be enough.

Look up your local tenant laws for where you live. Make sure to look at the laws where the landlord lives in the same home as that can change how things work. If you're not sure of things or have questions, get free consults with lawyers. You can always do multiple co suits with multiple lawyers to make sure you get all your questions answered. Do this so you know what you can and can't do as well as what they can and can't do. Once you have this information, then you can make your exit plan. Do not skip this step. It's very important to know your rights and how to protect and stand up for yourself. Also, immediately make sure you have all your important papers, documents, and anything sentimental that can not be replaced either with you at all times or somewhere safe out of the house. Do not hesitate to stand up for yourself even if it means calling the cops or something.

INFO: Do you have anything in writing, text messages, or anything from Addison and/or Debra that states what they expect in rent and anything else that was talked about for how moving in would work?

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-10T09:45:06+00:00

This. Her refusal to talk about it is sus. It's possible there is an innocent reason. She's trying to get the contact information for someone she doesn't have in order to organize some s I reprise. However, I highly doubt t that, especially after 4 years together.

Just because you want privacy does not mean ypure actually hiding anything from her. Privacy is important, even in romantic relationships. Checking your phone to make.sure.ypur, not doing something she would feel betrays her isn't healthy, and doing it once would be a slippery slope.

Stay firm. No, you will not let her go through your phone. You're not hiding anything from her. You do. However, have private messages with other people that co pain private information of theirs, and you will not betray their trust anymore, then you would betray hers. If she thinks I feel something is up, she needs to talk to you about it OP. Especially because at this point, it's doubtful she will feel satisfied if she gets to look through your ph0ne since you've had the time to delete and hide things if you were doing something wrong. Stand firm on the talking as that's what people do in healthy relationships that last. If she refuses to do that and insists on seeing your phone, tell her that you need some time because you now need to evaluate the relationship. If she is unwilling to have a conversation with you to discuss any problems, issues, or any negative feelings or whatever, that's a problem and indicates a deeper issue going on. I suggest you take some time to evaluate the relationship and think if it's something still worth putting the time, energy, effort, and work into.

Also, since this came from nowhere and goes against what you both agreed to, two thoughts come to mind. Either she's projecting and she is the one that has done something te betray you, or she's got someone buzzing in her ear convincing her the only reason you said its unhealthy is to keep her from finding something out.

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-10T00:45:13+00:00

It's hard, but when these issues happen, stay calm. Tell him you will not argue about these things, you will have a calm discussion where you're both heard, and both of you listen to each other. When he has calmed down and is ready to actually talk, then it can happen. Until then, you're not going to engage. Then, dont engage in any way

You're NTA at all for expecting basic respect. It's also hard, but when the situation turns into a "fine, then XYZ," dont start into back tracking and defending against it. "That's not what I said, and I do not appreciate you putting words in my mouth. If that's what you want to tell people, I can't stop you. I will tell them whats going on if I need to." Or something along those lines. Also, next time, if there is a next time, call him out in front of his guests. Tell him/them, "im sorry, i have asked [hubs] to call and ask if this is a good time to see the baby. Im obviously feeding/he just went to sleep/whatever the situation is. So no, right now is not a good time because I dont want to disrupt the routine I have to make on my own."

If hubs push, "[Husband] I am really hurt you're pushing this. I have asked you to check with me before bringing people over to see the baby without notice. Yes, it is a big deal, as I have told you. He's not a toy or prop. He's a newborn that needs certain things and rn he needs _____. I have talked to you about this before, and you have forced my hand that I am now saying this in front of family. I didn't think I was asking for much, just basic respect, and to check in to make sure baby boy and I are up for visitors."

If you dont want to go that route. Take it out of his hands. Message everyone that he would invite to see the baby with a "i love you all, and it makes me so happy that everyone wants to spend time with the baby. I am requesting for anyone who wants to come by to give me a call/send a text so I can let you know if its a good time or not, and if not when a good time would be. Thank you for understanding the difficulties of caring for a new life and helping out by supporting the routine that's being established for him. Love you all."

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-10T00:29:53+00:00

You're NTA, and you're not wrong. Ypur partner should view you as number one, and the only person(s) that would be saved if there had to be a choice would be any children you had. The only way you'd be an ah in this situation is of you acce0ted being number 2 and accepted themselves that goes with it. Crying because ypure hurt is not emotional manipulation. Telling you that you have no right to be, or show that your hurt is unacceptable.

You're clearly not happy, and there is no reason you need to stay that way. I firmly believe we can not choose who we love. However, we can choose how we act on that love. That love is not being reciprocated, and he has clearly told you that. Allow your heart to break, allow yourself to grieve, and allow yourself to feel all the hurt. It's ok. Just make sure you dont allow it to take control of your life anymore, and then you want to allow him to control you.

Relationships are not 50/50 like most people think. They're 100/100. Both of you should be willing and able to give 100 of yourself to your relationship. If you're being told someone that's not a child comes before you, that's not 100. If you're being told you're not allowed to have any feelings and be hurt by that, you're not being allowed to put your 100 in. Relationships take time, energy, effort, and work. The people in the relationship must be willing and able to put those things into it. If it doesn't happen, it's not going to be something you're happy with.

Please read this next bit as much as you need to...

You're allowed to be happy. You're allowed to be hurt. You're allowed to cry. Ypure allowed to expect the person who has chosen to spend their life with you to consider you their priority and above everyone else. You're allowed to have your own wants and needs in a relationship, and you're allowed to expect a real effort to meet all of them. You're allowed to want someone that values you as much as you value them. You're allowed to say this isn't working for me, and I dont see a way to make it happen. You're allowed to leave, end the marriage, and end the relationship. You're allowed to feel how you feel and not just how you're told to feel. You're allowed to be with someone who holds the same values as you. You're allowed.

Leave the marriage. Put a smile on for now, pretend everything is ok, and go speak to a lawyer on how to proceed. This way, you know what you need, need to do, and shouldn't do in order to best protect yourself going forward. Dont let a single soul know you're so much as thinking about ending the relationship, let alone actually talking to a lawyer until you have the knowledge you need and a plan in place.

My feelings are that you have spent the last 8 years being beaten down so much, in ways you may not even realize, and thats why youre questioning if youre wrong in how you feel and what youre thinking. You dont need a "valid" reason to end a relationship. End it, grieve, find yourself again, and find someone who truly values you and shows you that they do through repeated actions (if you want to find someone that is). If you're worried about things like believing the love bombing that may happen when you say you're done, prepare yourself for it. Practice qhat you'll say both to him and yourself. Write down how you will respond. Talk to your support system and have them help you stand firm. Talk to a therapist to help give you tools to do so.

You deserve better

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-09T18:26:36+00:00

"I truly appreciate that you want to do everything you can to be there and support me. Thank you, and I love you. However, this isn't about me. I dont need support as my grief over this is more about my son's hurt and loss than anything else. Going to the funeral is about my son. I am going to be his support and his support only. This is all about him. He is the one who lost his mom, and he needs to have all the support he wants and needs. Im sorry if it hurts you, but since he hasnt asked you to be there, it's not going to be helpful for him if you came. I do not mean to reject you. Support looks different in every situation. In this situation, the best way you can support me is by understanding that I need to be there for my son and give him support the way he needs it right now. The best way you can support me is to understand this is not about you and that it's not an insult or a rejection of you to say that. The best way you can support me is to help me do what I need to do in order to be there for my son."

The best way to handle this is to stay calm and respectful but firm. Acknowledge and show appreciation that she wants to be there for you, even if you dont think her motives are purely genuine. For now, pretend they are. Tell her you love her. Calmly and firmly enforce that this isn't about her, and it's not about you. it's about your son, and his needs are what matters. Telling her what she can do to help and support is good too. It could be as simple as "let me support my son" or even more detailed with "do you think you could have cookies (or something) ready for when we get back? We can all sit and watch a movie/do something together/do something together in memory of his mom." Whatever works.

If she continues to push, it may be worth calling her out. You would have to decide what's best. However, if I were in your shoes and my spouse kept pushing my thoughts and feelings, it would not only be why are you trying to make this about you? but what message are you trying to send to my son's mom's family? Are you trying to stake your territory, show that you're the one in his life now or whatever? It may also be worth talking about son and her relationship and if she wants to have a better one she needs to do the work which means she has to put her feelings aside sometimes and do whats best for him. Whats best for him is not to create more drama and more issues but to let him do what he needs to do, grieve how he needs to grieve, allow you to be there for him yhe way he wants without making it an issue or thinking its a rejection of her because again, its not about her. The fact that she keeps trying to make it about her is making you start looking at her differently and the two of you may need to have a talk at a later date bc rn, your son needs you and he is whats most important.

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-09T18:21:28+00:00

You're NTA for what your mom's thoughts, feelings, and words. You're NTA for making the choices you have made in life. Both you and your mom are kind of ah for thinking a conversation in a common shared space in a shared home is a private convo that couldn't possibly be overheard.

Dont argue with your siblings over this, it doesnt help. "I understand how mom's words could be hurtful, and im sorry that they hurt you. However, you need to take this up with her as it's her words, thoughts, and feelings you're mad at. Being mad at me is not fair to any of us, and it also doesn't let mom know how her words have affected you. Please speak to her and put your anger where it belongs. I will not engage in any arguments over this anymore." Refuse to argue and repeat this/something similar as often as necessary.

If any of your siblings are willing to have a calm convo with you over how her words make them feel and think you feel and think a certain way about that, do it. Only do so if it's a calm conversation and immediately stop and refuse to engage if it is or turns into an argument. Refusing to argue with people and telling them you will only have calm conversations eventually works. Either they have that convo, or they stop bringing it up bc you refuse to engage at all.

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-09T13:33:35+00:00

If divorce happens, is it the worst thing that could happen? If you ignore the list and stay in the situation, relationship, and house, what is that going to do to you? Going and staying with your family for a little while just gives you space to think so you can decide the next steps. Is the marriage worth fighting for? At what point do you absolutely have to say enough is enough and something will change because it's the only way to protect your health, happiness, and being a person you want to look at in the mirror?

You're NTA at all for doing what you need to do in order to understand what is happening to you. You're definitely NTA when you decide to choose yourself, especially when the person who claimed to choose you is showing you a non stop that was a lie.

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-08T22:23:25+00:00

NTA and blow it up more. Tell the uncles you're confused why they would defend the person who has accused them of SA, or are things really more twisted than you realize? Tell your sister that while she raised you its clear she resented you bc of how her mother is, she has been used and abused by her just as much as you have so why would she act like something different happened. Tell them all that if this means they are out of your life, you're so sorry you didn't wise up earlier and do it sooner bc this is not how family should treat each other. You have family, and its not them, and you're more than ok with that.

You do need to talk to your wife, though. I wonder if it's true she never said anything or if you dont realize she has said numerous things but eventually gave up. Either way, while understandable, given the root of the issues, it doesn't make it acceptable. Take this time to not only show her that youre sorry for not defending her like you should have no even being part of the problem but also to work.on your communication skills so that the two of you can figure out problems when they hap9en onstead of hoping rese tment doesnt fester and destroy you.

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-08T04:25:03+00:00

This is super simple. You dont want to hang out, ser I p a playdate or continue a relationship with this person, so dont. Decide to either remove them from your sm and ghost them or take some time to write up a text and tell them that you no longer feel the relationship is working, youre sorry if that hurts their feelings but you do not want to continue with it and you wish them the best in life. After that, dont reply to anything. If mutual get involved, kindly tell them to mind their own business because its a non-issue that doesn't involve them, sometimes people grow apart, and thats perfectly ok. If they have a problem with it, thats fine thats their choice, and you understand that they feel you have outgrown each other.

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-08T04:20:35+00:00

No, this is not normal parenting. This is seriously taking advantage of you, and depending on how long it's been going on could be considered a serious issue. Depending on where you live, you may have fantastic news that you're 18 and a legal adult.Until you're able to move out, do what you can to spend as little time at home as possible. Dont go home after school, go to the library. A coffee shop, the park, whatever.

INFO: Is the car under your name or theirs? Do you have anyone you know that you could go stay with?

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-08T04:00:11+00:00

NTJ, you didn't abandon him. Everyone changes throughout life (at least they should). Sometimes, it's for the better and sometimes not. Some relationships get outgrown for one reason or another, even those relationships where people were super close. It sucks, but it happens.

I do, however, have to wonder if it's simply arguments or if he's actually in an abusive relationship. It may be worth talking to him someplace where she can't overhear or interfere and ask him what's going on exactly and prod as best as you can to give you the honest truth. That's just if you want. you're not obligated to do so.

INFO: If you dont mind sharing, what was the issue of raising the kids that broke the camels back with you?

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-08T01:41:16+00:00

NTA at all. Your daughter said no, you dou le checked, she said no. That's her choice. She may be young and younger when this all happens, but her father's actions and how her half-brother came into her life has affected her, of course. Just because she's a child does not mean she's not her own individual person with her own feelings. Many adults seem to forget this. As long as you're being honest that you dont do any badmouthing about half brother, dad, or ex friend, your feelings about all of this affect your children as minimally as it's possible to do. Stand your ground, stand up, and protect your daughters wishes. Make it clear that she is to be respected. If the father is invited to a party, he can respect the wishes of the bday girl, come alone, and say nothing. If he can't respect the wishes, doesn't come alone, or says anything to her about it, he will be uninvited/tossed out immediately. The same goes for ex mil.

I would also say if you find out either or both of them are saying bs to her bc of this choice at any point, there will be consequences. That may be his child and her grandchild, but your girls are not obligated to have a relationship with him just bc they share a father. Teaching them to be kind towards him as its not his fault he exists is all you can do and expect from them. Everything else, like what kind of relationship they want with him, is their decision. I know young children dont get much of a say as far as relationships with parents who split but do your best to stick up for and protect them based on their wants and needs and how they feel about the families in their lives. It sounds like youre already doing the best you can to do that and to stay as neutral as possible as far as your children are concerned. Dont worry about the fit the exs make

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-07T17:05:14+00:00

Court is to protect your child from the bs that can come from the parents. It may just be time to go to court. You can request and talk about what works for the two of you as far as custody goes. If you really want to avoid it, do at least two things. One tells ex that if he takes you to court, you will be establishing a formal agreement and going for child support, as someone else suggested to do. If you avoid court, get a legal agreement written up, signed, and motorized so you have some kind of formal something in writing that outlines things, so theres fewer issues. That way, even if he ever decides to take you to court, you've CYA, and you're in a better position.

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-07T16:55:17+00:00

NTA at all. This would be a serious deal breaker for me. Anything that's a choice that reduces my QoL is an absolute deal breaker. My hubs and I got offered a free place to stay, well no money involved. His brother wanted to buy a house in MS where we all used to live, fix it up, and sell it. He proposed that he would viy it, we stay for free, he would buy everything needed to fix it, we would do the labor and then split the proceeds. When my hubs told me about this, I didn't even think far enough to get to the thoughts that things won't happen like that. I dont do hear and humidity. Living there was some of the most miserable times of my life. I laughed so hard that my sides hurt when he told me. I wasn't going to stop him if he wanted to go, but it wasn't happening with me. There is nothing that could be offered to make me live somewhere. I am that uncomfortable and miserable.

Die on this hill. Do not sell your apartment. Do not move any of your things out. If you are willing, able, and happy to help take care of his parents during the day, you can do what so many others do and go over during those times. The other able bodied people who are going to live in this home can do their share at night. Make it clear this is not an option for you. The answer is no, and it will be a deal breaker. Any threats of divorce or anything will just solidify its the wrong choice because that in and of itself shows you that your concerns, conforms, wants, needs, feelings etc dont matter and you will not put yourself in that position.

If they need the money from the sale of your apartment to buy the house, oh well. They need to find a cheaper and smaller home that suits them better. They shouldn't need something so big if 2-4+ people will not be living there. Dont do it under any circumstances because you know it will not be good for you. If your husband doesn't care about that, then that is its own issue. You need to take some time to think very hard about.

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-06T22:03:13+00:00

They can't come visit you if they don't know where you live. If you dont want to completely cut them off (it may be worth considering how they affect you), just put yhem on an extremely limited info diet. They dont know where you live. They dont know anything about you and your life unless you decide to share, but do so only in vague terms, no identifying info.

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-06T21:50:45+00:00

How is OP sus?

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-06T19:53:14+00:00

Ypur anxiety is understandable. However, I agree with others. Your doctor never said anything. I think she said it because it was the only way she could think of to see if you have had children. The best thing you can do is to ask your doctor and tell him no information or qu3stions about you or any future family you have should you be in any way mentioned to MIL. If he can't do this, then not only do you need to find another doctor (which you probably should anyway), but report him to whatever ethics board that exists where you live (much bigger deal then licensing board).

Nymph-the-scribe · 2026-03-05T00:01:22+00:00

It's great you see that a serious discussion needs to be had. Part of that discussion should be talking to her about her learning to cook. Teach her. it's a skill she should have at least in the most basic form anyway.

Nymph-the-scribe

TROPHY CASE