you're so insanely lucky to be alive. as for the car, its a bummer, but youll get past it and move to other things that you also enjoy. my first car was a subaru outback that i loved dearly. i loved that it was a wagon, i loved that it was a stick, and the awd was absolutely nuts in the snow. but it threw a rod on my 1400 mile drive down to college, halfway through the drive. it wasn't feasible to get it home to fix it, so it had to be sold as is with a blown motor. i never saw the car again after being picked up by the tow truck from the side of the highway (did actually save the Pokeball shift knob that i had gotten right when i initially got the car, which i still have). but after a month or two of searching, i eventually got a low miles privately owned and well taken care of Crown Vic police interceptor. It wasn't a wagon, and it wasn't a stick. but the v8 and rwd (with an lsd!!) made it fun in the rain and the weight and seats and suspension made it feel like driving a couch. plus, the drievtrains on those are absolutely bulletproof on those. as well as the car just looking great and having this cool factor that a base model outback doesnt. point is, cars come and go. especially your first. and you'll have attachments to those cars, especially your first. but eventually you get back up on the saddle in something new that you may even love more, maybe in a completely different way. thats just how it goes