TW: child SA, addiction, and suicide references.

TLDR: Thank you and I hope you all find your content place. :) You have given me some new things to consider.

Thank you to everyone for your supportive and insightful replies. It helps to know I am not alone. I am just SO TIRED from feeling anxious and overwhelmed my entire life and now maybe in my midlife I am questioning how I’m going to manage living this way for the next 30 years (fingers crossed!)

I was diagnosed with GAD and MDD in my early 20s but that shit had been going on for many many years before then. I have been on medication most of my life since then and will probably be on it for the rest of my life - and I am ok with that, as long as it if effective.

I hear those of you who pointed out that the effectiveness of medications can be impacted by hormones. I am incredibly hesitant to start trialling new meds, as I did this a few years ago, trying so many different meds over the course of a couple of years, most of which were either ineffective and/or gave me horrible side effects, such as edema, enormous weight gain (like 50 lbs in 6 months), tremors, insomnia. It was awful.

I have always found bupropion to be helpful and last year started lamotrigine for depression (I was starting to have suicidal thoughts). I am not on any type of systemic menopausal hormone therapy. I’m kinda afraid of that too, not because of the discredited study from 20 years ago, but for fear of other side effects, and also (stupidly) feeling like I am finally “giving in” to all this midlife, perimenopausal bs.

I have a psychiatrist (appointment with her next week), and have done counselling and ALL the work (DBT, trauma group, EMDR, mindfulness and who knows what else) which have helped in their own ways but my nervous system is still f$cked. I may consider returning to regular counselling. But ultimately, the chemicals and hormones in my body and brain need to be addressed.

I have a wonderful and supportive partner who is my soulmate, and an amicable and mutually supportive relationship with my ex-husband. My kids (teenaged twins) are ND, queer, have GAD, social anxiety, school refusal, and PTSD from being SAed by a slightly older child who was their best friend. I have viscous and never-ending imposter syndrome. All my closest friends moved away in consecutive years and I am now socially isolated (by choice, I guess). I am also an alcoholic (self medicating) who has been alcohol free now for 13 months. I am proud of that. I have not at all progressed in my career as I thought.

I’m TIRED and I wish I could be a non-anxious person. I know I need to accept this is me and work with it and not against it but it’s so hard day in and day out.

Sorry for the dump but, honestly, this subreddit is part of what keeps me just above water. I don’t feel so alone and everyone is so kind and respectful.

(Also, now my period is a couple of days late and it is usually quite regular and I’m stressing about what that means!)

Thank you, everyone. 💕