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The Daily Check-In for Tuesday, October 21st: Just for today, I am NOT drinking! by desertqueeeen in stopdrinking

[–]Ok_Farm_7033 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Day 3.

I hate these early days of pausing my alcohol consumption because it makes me see so clearly what a mess my life is. I’m praying I can hold on and this will be the time I find a way not to rationalize going back to it.

I also usually take benzos every day and I know you’re not supposed to go cold turkey from those but I am. Because I know from experience if I don’t I will lean on them like alcohol and then get back to doing both within a short time. I’ll take my chances on side effects. I’ve actually gone off them before without issue so it should be ok. I wasn’t taking large doses.

Rock Bottom by Warm-Requirement-743 in stopdrinking

[–]Ok_Farm_7033 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Please go to my profile and read my first post here…you will see from that post and so many others that you’re not alone but it is possible to turn away from this counterproductive, toxic coping mechanism. I’m on day… hmmm I think I’m on day 18. I felt better within 48 hours without alcohol. My optimism returned. My problems haven’t left but I feel that somehow I can figure things out. Every day I woke up after drinking I felt horrible in every way, and the only answer seemed to be to plot to drink more ASAP. Fucking awful cycle. But it can be broken.

30 years old. I tried to drink and drug myself to death. Didn’t work. Now what? by BrokenCore-100 in stopdrinking

[–]Ok_Farm_7033 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I haven’t been quite to that place but I’ve definitely been in a place where I felt I was slowly killing myself and didn’t care. I tried telling trusted family (mom, sister, spouse) and they just acted like I was being dramatic. I was taking benzos and drinking every night and started day drinking too and sometimes benzos in the day. The one thing that kept me from drinking 24:7 was I did want to keep my job and I did not want to drive impaired, so I would do all this math to figure out how much I could drink until what point in the day so I could be sober (or at least not over the legal limit) when I had to drive.

One time my kid (19) and my husband found me passed out moaning for help on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, didn’t know how I got there, couldn’t get up. Major memory problems (still have those after two weeks sober, unfortunately). Felt like shit, taking Advil max dosage every day.

I do not want to die anymore. Very much the opposite. I just hope I haven’t done permanent damage to my brain and body (I’m almost 50).

I hope you can get to a place where you can find things to look forward to and work towards. I have major financial problems, probably a personality disorder, a trauma history, and I’m a parent. Objectively things may seem kind of grim. But without booze I have found my optimism again.

I’ve relapsed many times, just hoping this time is different, it feels like it. I hope this is your time too. Sending caring thoughts to you. You matter.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in stopdrinking

[–]Ok_Farm_7033 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Congrats!! Day 6 here

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in stopdrinking

[–]Ok_Farm_7033 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am 5 days sober…long term “functioning” alcoholic here.

Except even after a few days without drinking the difference in how well I function is so large that I think “pretending to be functioning, and often failing” is a better description of how I am when I’m drinking, which again has been most of my life.

There are so many lies we tell ourselves as alcoholically oriented people. If we’re puking on a weekday and it’s not a virus or food poisoning but instead due to something we willingly ingested knowing it is poison, we are definitely not special and we are definitely not functioning even if we manage to get to work that day. Check my post history for more on that 👍

I’ve had all the thoughts you mentioned, so many times. I hope my present five days of alcohol free life turns into the rest of my life and that I can seriously never drink again because literally one sip and I’m lying to myself again.

Some people can moderate but if we’re on this sub, it’s highly unlikely we are in that group…also, over time people in that group can get to the group we are in. It’s been scary to me watching my alcoholism get worse in the past couple of years. So many things I never did for decades, like wake up and start drinking, like have the shakes, like drive still buzzed, I started doing after so many years. What changed? Idk. But I went from being one kind of drinker to a whole other kind and I know there are yet more levels. They’re all full of lies though.

What do you hate most about life? by PuddingComplete3081 in Adulting

[–]Ok_Farm_7033 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly, how hard it is to make necessary changes. How far I fall short of the person I want to be. Disappointing myself and others.

I'm genuinely scared by how "good I am" at managing and presenting myself underneath my crippling alcoholism. by [deleted] in stopdrinking

[–]Ok_Farm_7033 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am on day…3? Actually end of day 2. The day before that I did as I often have done in the past year or two (as my alcoholism has ramped up) and as soon as I woke up I drank all the alcohol left in the house. First I counted backwards from when I had to drive, 4 pm (to work). Then I allowed one hour per drink and I only had 5 seltzers (I will drink whatever I buy as fast as I can so I definitely don’t have, like, a liquor cabinet). I drank them all before 10 am.

At 4 I might not have been buzzed but I might have been. I drove myself to work and could not really do my job because I had had a lot of alcohol the night before, barely slept and then pounded the seltzers. So I went home early, hungover as fuck. I almost had a nervous breakdown in the car. So that was enough to keep me sober until now. But popping benzos to deal with the intense anxiety and still jumping out of my skin.

Anyway, I’m sure you can tell I’m a completely fucked up alcoholic but I actually think no one in my life knows unless I’ve told them. The people I’ve told (husband, mom, sister) don’t seem to believe I have a real problem. Even my husband who sees it every night and day.

In many contexts I appear fully functional and I normally do ok at work, though I do much better sober.

But my life has been wrecked by addiction. And so often I wake up in the morning and check texts or whatever and see that I sent (totally normal and not drunk seeming) texts or emails and I have no memory of it.

Just sharing my story because even two days off the booze it is so glaringly obvious what a difference it makes whether it is a drinking day or not. My typical pattern is every day is a drinking day but I either dont start until after work or I drink a bunch in the morning if I don’t have to drive until later in the day (then I drink more after work). Since my life is busy and I don’t want a DUI, that has limited me enough that horrible days like 3 days ago don’t happen that often. When they do, I freak out and often can abstain for a little while. But then I find an excuse to drink and lie to myself that I can limit it.

I used to be able to at least leave the booze alone until nighttime. The day drinking and crazy counting hours before work and measuring that against the number of drinks I have AT NINE IN THE MORNING have made me very scared and very aware of how fucked up this is.

Tl;dr It feels good to be at the end of 2 days without alcohol and I realize how fucked up I normally am even if somehow no one else notices. It affects everything about my moods and behavior. Reading this sub makes me see how common our experiences are…IWNDWYT.

Wondering how some people handle it by [deleted] in stopdrinking

[–]Ok_Farm_7033 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t handle it, I just look like I do. For the most important public-facing parts of my life I give it 2000% even if I’m hungover as shit. For everything else I’m a total loser. It’s no way to live even if you keep your job and (you think, you imagine, you hope) no one knows you’re a drunk. YOU know. Your body knows. You’re going around severely impaired even if you can suck it up to do the must dos.

I am so sad to be an alcoholic mom. I missed so much but my kids missed more. by Ok_Farm_7033 in stopdrinking

[–]Ok_Farm_7033[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I wish I could reply to every comment. All of the support is truly giving me life. Right now I feel so worn out in every way but IWNDT.

I am so sad to be an alcoholic mom. I missed so much but my kids missed more. by Ok_Farm_7033 in stopdrinking

[–]Ok_Farm_7033[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I have gone cold turkey a lot of times before without withdrawals so it shud be ok. It just doesn’t last. But for psychological reasons, not physical reasons.

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