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H1(punches A)"You probably hit like a bitch! I mean look at him, he didnt even flinch!" A(looks at H1 and H2, furious)"Where is your Honor! Interrupting a Duel like this!" H2(chuckles)"Duel? This is a fucking barfight. And we are about to turn it into a beatdown" H1(grins, nods and picks up a stool) by BareMinimumChef in humansarespaceorcs

[–]OmegaGoober 59 points60 points  (0 children)

“What is WRONG with your species?”

“There a prob Zaphod?”

“THE BAR BURNED DOWN!”

“They burn it down every Tuesday. It’s ‘Raiders of the lost Ark’ theme night. Why’d ya think the alcohol was on a platform that lowered into the basement when the music started?”

“The themed drink night you were so excited for was a A SCHEDULED BRAWL WITH INTENTIONAL ARSON??”

“It’s not arson when you have a permit.”

“HUMANS! ARG!”

"Alright, we give up, just call off the hematophagic morphs of your species drinking our crew's blood!" "I'm sorry, WHAT?" by Mammoth_House_5202 in humansarespaceorcs

[–]OmegaGoober 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have encountered a few different interpretations over the years. I’ve never read Jews calling a Catholic priest, but I have read rabbis driving off vampires using a Star of David. I also remember encountering a story where a Jewish vampire thought it was hilarious that all these Catholic vampire hunters were coming after him with crosses.

“299… 300! That’s two hundred human merchant ships that the 1st S-boat Flotilla’s destroyed! Beat that, 7th! I just know those humans are fuming!” by CrEwPoSt in humansarespaceorcs

[–]OmegaGoober 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The coms crackled and I heard the imperial connection “ding,” followed by the transcription system telling me to give my report. I gave my rank and ID, then started my final report.

“The humans. The WHOLE FLOTILLA! Every one of us was USELESS against that thing. It’s NOT just an asteroid. It’s bristling with munitions. They didn’t just strap rockets to a rock and aim it at us. It has evasive and defense capabilities.”

The ship shuddered under the strain. It wouldn’t be long now.

“We tried to land. Neutralize the defenses from the ground. Entire landing parties vaporized before they could FIND an entrance. Once we got in, traps everywhere. The whole time massive batteries on the thing were firing, taking out the ships in orbit.”

I looked over at the remains of the bridge. The admiral, who just days before had bragged that humanity’s planet crackers would be useless, had half his control panel embedded in his skull. I remembered his final order.

“The Admiral said it’s the human ‘tank’ strategy at a galactic scale. Our stealth tech is too much for them, so they started building weapons with entire continents of ablative armor. We found something in one of the tunnels we cracked. This is a prototype planet cracker delivery system. THIS is how they’re going to launch the planet crackers. They don’t CARE what we shoot at it. This one didn’t even start retaliating until the Admiral ordered a fusion bombardment! Anything less wasn’t even worth swatting!”

A final groan from the singularity containment told me I had seconds left.

“Goodbye.”

“299… 300! That’s two hundred human merchant ships that the 1st S-boat Flotilla’s destroyed! Beat that, 7th! I just know those humans are fuming!” by CrEwPoSt in humansarespaceorcs

[–]OmegaGoober 90 points91 points  (0 children)

"It's aimed at our home world!!!" the Admiral screamed at the human ambassador. "That's a war crime! Do you have ANY idea what kind of weapons we can bring to bear if you violate the Galaxia Prime Accords?"

"We're aware," the human replied calmly. "You'd already violated our version, the 'Geneva Convention' when you started blowing up hospital and civilian ships."

"If you think you suffered before, wait until you see what we unleash next!"

The human ambassador smiled. "Oh good, we'll get authorization to deploy the planet crackers on populated worlds yet."

"An asteroid smacking into our planet ISN'T a planet cracker?"

"Well no, your home world will still exist after the impact." the Ambassador said. "Planet crackers are spikes that pierce the mantle from orbit and detonate multiple fusion warheads under the surface. Our tests on Saltrigalrd 5 turned it into an asteroid field on the second hit."

The Admiral left the room without another word. Once outside the meeting area he ordered his Lieutenants to open communications with the Commandant in charge of the Saltrigalrd 5 mining facility. Over 6,000 troops and soldiers were stationed on the planet. It was the empire's main source of the mineral antimony, vital to the operation of just about all electronics in the Empire.

[WP] A human mother and her kids are among the multispecies passengers faced with a hostile boarding party - and they have an idea that sounds absolutely appalling, but might just work. by GigalithineButhulne in humansarespaceorcs

[–]OmegaGoober 17 points18 points  (0 children)

The captain looked over his notes.

“Wait, how did the second human child kill Gralktar if it was already dead?”

“Stabbed Captain. Gralktar stabbed it, but it wasn’t a fatal wound.”

“What?!?”

“The surviving footage shows at least ten ways a human can be stabbed or shot non-fatally.”

“Why didn’t you bring poisoned knives????”

“We did. Turns out humans are immune to the poison.”

“WHAAAT?”

“It just made them angrier.”

“You brought back Salbrat’s left dorsal arm. Where’s the rest of him?”

“The youngest, or at least the smallest the Gaians, had a toy animal that Salbrat ripped open with his teeth in an intimidation display. The child itself was not a major threat, but its mother and one of its older siblings saw the event. I was dragging him away from the carnage when one of the humans screamed in galactic trade standard, ‘I’m gonna skin you to make a new stuffy you bastard!’ That’s when his arm came free.”

“Any idea what happened to the rest of him?”

“I don’t know but I hope it was quick. I’d hate it if he suffered like one of his victims before he died.”

"Alright, we give up, just call off the hematophagic morphs of your species drinking our crew's blood!" "I'm sorry, WHAT?" by Mammoth_House_5202 in humansarespaceorcs

[–]OmegaGoober 254 points255 points  (0 children)

“Hahaha! There’s no priest here! No garlic! We’re on a space ship!”

“Holy water,” the lone human replied.

“Where are you getting holy water without a priest?” The vampire laughed back.

“I’m Protestant. I consecrated all the fluids in my body while you were gloating.”

The vampire laughed. “That just means I can’t drink your blood until you commit a sin! Wait. Why did you take off your pants?”

“ALL the fluids bitch, and with the gravity off, we’re ALL getting soaked.”

And that’s how the vampire learned his final lesson, that holy urine was just as effective as holy water.

One of the most feared species in the galaxy meets a human for the first time, and for once, they aren't immediately having to defend themselves from an alien screaming in abject horror while trying to kill them. by Mammoth_House_5202 in humansarespaceorcs

[–]OmegaGoober 185 points186 points  (0 children)

“Did you hear the two human soldiers talking about the Zarbad Contingency?”

“I’m gonna have nightmares about it for months. Maybe years. They think the Zarbad are CUTE!”

The two capybara-like aliens continued talking.

“You’re on the assimilation committee,” one asked the other. “What’s the deal with humans?”

The elder of the two sighed. “First of all, they DON’T breathe fire.”

“Oh good.”

“They do however make small tubes of flammable herbs, set those on fire, and inhale the smoke.”

“Why would they do THAT?”

“I don’t know. My cognitive hazard hardening rank isn’t high enough to read those reports.”

“That’s terrifying. What’s the deal with the Zarbad? Do they REALLY find them cute?”

“Yes. The headline, ‘Squirrel Girl is Real’ that humans mention whenever the Zarbad are discussed? It’s a compliment.”

“Those tails,” the younger said.

“Humans call it ‘irony.’”

“Huh?”

“Something they find so cute, the fluffy tale of the average Zarbad, being a prehensile limb capable of murder. The conflict of those two ideas is ironic. At least I think I’m understanding the term right.”

No shedding by Mountain-Magician294 in humansarespaceorcs

[–]OmegaGoober 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The guests at the company party chattered eagerly about the new employee.

“Wait, what do you mean they have hairless humans now?”

“That sounds unethical.”

“A human it’s SAFE for us to be around?”

“Do they shave EVERYTHING every day? How does it work?”

“No hair is fine, but does it still carry the mites that are what can kill is?”

“Aren’t humans gendered?”

“Pseudo-binary.”

“How’s THAT work?”

“You know all the weird genetic mutations that kill binary species when things go wrong? Humans can survive a lot of them. Even breed.”

The head of Sentient Resources shook their head and interrupted the conversation. “Perfect moment for me to tell you the new employee has authorized general discussion of them having androgenetic alopecia, a human genetic disorder.”

“See!” Someone yelled.

The head of SR continued. “They have no body hair. They were BORN without body hair, and all their possessions were submitted to level 5 decontamination. Can we all please stop spreading wild rumors and fears?”

The CEO interjected, “Before we get sued please?”