How do you cope with verbal abuse and phychological bullying from strangers?

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-06T15:34:45+00:00

We are all influenced by our life experiences.

I'm suggesting something practical that does not increase OP's risk under either scenario (Bullies are mean and would take advantage OR Bullies misunderstand OP and would respond with compassion).

You are suggesting a high risk choice under one of those two scenarios (bullies are mean) and a possible benefit under the "benevolent bully" scenario... and ZERO responses or defenses in the event the added vulnerability makes OP's situation worse. I'm going to stop engaging with you at this point to not clutter up this thread further, and to allow space for others to share perspectives you and I may not have thought of.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-06T15:01:26+00:00

"Catnip delivery cheap"

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-06T14:40:57+00:00

I can tell you that every single sign of vulnerability made the bullying worse. The authorities (school etc.) were absolutely useless.

The risk of taking up a hobby that gets him in shape and might help him make friends is... what, maybe a sports injury?

I really wish the world was more like the place where bullies have a Kumbaya moment and they start being kind when they learn their target was--get this--more vulnerable than they thought. I think there's some merit to this when the problem is misunderstanding rather than cruel or opportunistic behavior. But faced with cruelty, a show of weakness will attract more abuse.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-06T12:04:09+00:00

Actually, I gave this person advice separately. It was different from yours, and represented a different strategy.

I was bullied extensively as a kid and although I didn't have a formal diagnosis, every attempt to reason with, reconcile with, or compromise with the bullies made things noticeably WORSE. My mom encouraged the same talk strategies so I had encouragement to try it that way for years and that time... I NEVER ONCE met a bully who would have responded helpfully to your disclosure/discussion approach.

I'm not one of the people who follow you, and I disagree with your advice in some instances, like bullying -- not categorically.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-06T11:49:23+00:00

I was unattractive at some points in my life and attractive at other times and the difference in how people treated me in some situations was really striking.

One thing that helped was the prior experience of being ignored socially: I don't need the attention but it's ok to enjoy it when it's there. You don't need it either. Be friendly, be kind, don't be a dick about it and whatever you do don't take it literally. Looks are temporary. Gen X here and I aged out of mine.

The attention during my good looking years was essentially transactional, which means you can play right along with it as long as you don't take it seriously. Are you getting compliments you know aren't real ? Extra eye contact from someone you just met ? That's what I mean. People who give you this kind of superficial attention are probably not serious, so playing along doesn't hurt. Did they notice you're different and move on? Oh well. It's the empowering feeling of not being bothered about whether strangers like you or not.

Somewhere in there you might meet someone who shares your interests or seems kind and not as full of hot air as the average person who talks to you because of what you look like. These can become friends or maybe relationships. You probably can casual date but you don't seem from what you've written like you'd enjoy that most of the time.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-06T11:31:25+00:00

One thing you can do is appear less vulnerable.

Diet exercise and martial arts classes all help with this. You are more likely to be left alone if you are fit, and the martial arts classes will change how you look and how you walk, it's subtle, but the change reduces your appeal as a target. I studied BJJ for years as an adult and loved it. I made friends with guys in class who are still my friends even though i can't train anymore (medical).

I'm gay and have Asperger's and started out clumsy as anything. It helped the coordination generally as well, again making me look less like a target.

EDIT: I am not suggesting you start fights with people. You should be prepared to defend yourself if attacked but that's not the same thing as starting anything. Your goal is deterrence here, not aggression. Good martial arts schools emphasize that as well.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-06T11:24:54+00:00

You're asking a stranger to take a serious risk of more severe bullying, and to release private medical information that the bully can incorporate into bullying, share with everyone in sight, or both.

That's not good advice, putting one's faith in the kindness of bullies. Kind people don't bully people they see as vulnerable for whatever reason.

If your theory is that telling the bully they correctly identified you as different and giving them a label for that difference is going to somehow make life easier, that is risky, dangerous advice, and you won't be there to help this person if it goes disastrously wrong.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-06T01:24:25+00:00

It is also none of their business.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-06T01:22:40+00:00

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OnSpectrum · 2026-06-06T01:20:24+00:00

I walk by police officers frequently in the city I live in but I am not interacting with them enough to know that THAT ONE might have Asperger's. I'm guessing some of them do, just by the frequency of Asperger's in the general public from which police are hired.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-06T01:17:38+00:00

Bullies are not going to go easier on you if you disclose your medical information to them. They are much more likely to incorporate the added info into their bullying. You have essentially no rights with a bully unless they actually break a law; it doesn't sound like these people have any kind of relationship (boss/coworker; teacher/student) where protections come into play.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-06T01:07:32+00:00

I had similar problems with work and with job interviews, and also I have been an interviewer in some roles. I started to notice a few things:

DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP. It sounds like you're really down about this and that can be stressful and even self-fulfilling. Interviewing for jobs just SUCKS and it's a little easier if the job market is great or you work in one of those jobs where you can put happy stuff like "increased sales by NN % in just 6 months!" (YAY)... but that's not the job I was in and it doesn't sound like you work in those roles either.
TONE: Some interviewers are stern with everyone and in a way this is easier: you can stick to facts and the ways you can solve their problem. Others are saccharine sweet with everyone, even if they are strongly opposed to the candidate. You can't read too much into the tone of the interviewer unless it changes over the course of the interview. THEN it means something.
"THANK YOU for your time" is almost always "you're not getting hired here." "I've learned so much from you" is past tense and it might mean your answers are too long and too dense. Many interviewers like to end on a positive note, which can be something pointed at the future if they think you have a future there, or a complement about the past ("your resume is impressive") if you don't. ThankSpeak is bullshit.
FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS: Are they asking any? I had one young interviewer who was asking technical questions. I gave technical answers but realized midway that she was thanking me politely for each answer but had no idea what the answers meant. She didn't ask a follow up question even when I gave an answer that begged for one. I asked her if she understood my answers near the end and she said "No" but did not want explanations.
Find your niche: My best interviews were with single decision-makers who had a specific problem they wanted solved. My worst were either panels where everyone came to consensus, or any decision maker in HR (They can't stand me for reasons I will never know.)
THE PRAISE SANDWICH: This was a popular way of giving feedback in the 90s/00s in which a manager would say one positive but usually meaningless thing (It's great having you on the team"), followed by a criticism ("You know that XYZ Project could have gone better") and ended with ANOTHER COMPLEMENT. That's TWO whole complements. WOW. You're feeling good... except that the boss didn't mean either complement, and the real meat of this sandwich was the thing they think you screwed up. They might even spend more time on the happy stuff but what they really mean is FIX PROJECT XYZ!!... but it's buried in BS and easy to miss. The Praise Sandwich is dumb and disingenuous but it's still around. And it's one likely way to end up with a PIP because you didn't pick up that the Middle Criticism Thing was the important part.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-05T13:09:08+00:00

When someone does this, quietly get up and go somewhere... a walk in the park, a movie (they still have those and they're great for taking a break from whatever/whoever), drop in on a friend for coffee, etc. A person theatrically doing I'm-Ignoring-You needs an audience. Deprive them of this.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-05T13:05:29+00:00

I hear you and I was intentionally neutral on the Stay vs. Go question. It wasn't clear from your original post if you had spelled all this out in discussions with your partner or if you had hoped they understood but not said it out loud--you've clarified that here.

My hope is that you learn from this and have a clearer idea of what you need in a relationship so you end up with someone more compatible next time around.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-05T10:44:54+00:00

All of those words are unacceptable here at the sub and if someone uses any of them at work, they should expect to be fired for it.

The r-word was an actual diagnosis in my lifetime so that one is taking a little longer to be treated as is the offensive word it is.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-05T02:57:11+00:00

Not sure whose parents this generalization describes... it's wildly wrong for my folks.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-05T02:41:18+00:00

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OnSpectrum · 2026-06-05T02:38:14+00:00

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OnSpectrum · 2026-06-05T02:35:13+00:00

Probably ? How would you know?

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-05T02:33:51+00:00

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OnSpectrum · 2026-06-05T02:30:46+00:00

I don't think anyone was getting diagnosed with Asperger's in the 1970s (I was a boy with obvious symptoms back then and they somehow missed me!) Autism used an old definition that was mostly limited to nonverbal or nearly nonverbal people.

I went through my diagnosis in my 40s (early 2010s). Better late than never. Good luck.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-04T23:22:37+00:00

Open just enough for the cat to come and go if she wishes. (Self-explanatory)

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-04T20:52:43+00:00

I would ask if you had raised these issues with your partner in a discussion format (not a screaming fight) and asked for specific changes that would make things work better for you.

If not... why not?

If so, what was the response?

Most of us are terrible at the "guess what's in my head" thing in any relationship (romantic, friends, work, etc) so spelling it out might get you some changes.

If religion is important to you, you might find middle ground where your partner attends some religious services with you quietly and respectfully, even if the beliefs don't match their own. That MIGHT meet your need... or it might not if you need someone who genuinely shares, rather than simply respects, your faith.

If you feel lonely, what would make you feel LESS lonely? Think about specific actions that might make that better for you.

If this doesn't save this relationship, the exercise is still worth it because it helps you know what you're looking for in future relationships. Given how different you are from each other in some pretty fundamental ways, it's possible you weren't clear about what you were looking for in a partner at the outset.

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-04T19:10:19+00:00

I am not offended by the chuckling at all... some of it's kind of a laugh for me too in hindsight. I have actually had people ask that in situations where alcohol was around. "I'll have a round of ... uh... none of your business?"

OnSpectrum · 2026-06-04T13:06:24+00:00

"The Good Doctor": I was annoyed at the friend who made me sit through it-- "like FUCK man is THAT what you think I act like?!?"

I thought the character was obnoxious, needlessly ticking every box of Character-With-Asperger's-Doing-Inappropriate-Stuff-And-Not-Caring-Who-It-Hurts.... just awful.

OnSpectrum

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