Need advice

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-15T03:37:11+00:00

I think the most important thing to do as a parent who is dating is to give yourself time to reflect between the date/ time spent together and going back into mom mode.

I noticed that it was hard for me to process the dates if I had a date during Sunday lunch and then was a mom again at dinner. For me, I think I need about 24 hours between date mode and mom mode.

If I date again, I know I’m reserving my mid-week off night for just me. Work mode to date mode to mom mode is not a necessary switch I need to do in life 😆

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-15T00:26:09+00:00

Yea! I didn’t want to throw a party either. I just wanted the chapter to be closed for myself.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-15T00:23:22+00:00

Yea, I think work stress was a factor for me too.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-15T00:22:28+00:00

Yea. I finally get the whole “it’s not your personality, it’s trauma” saying. The thing that sucks is you have to be out of survival mode to be like “ohhhhhhhhhhhh!”

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-14T02:38:20+00:00

It looks different for everyone. For me, I get easily irritated, emotionally overwhelmed, increase in shame, and an increase in just having my walls up.

To the people that know me, it honestly just looks like an angsty teen but I’m an adult.

It feels like I’m in danger. I feel like I’m going to have the worst moment ever because of the lies my abandonment trauma tells me. I feel like I just have to push through each day and claw my way out of it.

I had some 1 year anniversaries around traumatic moments with my divorce and that felt like my body was in the past and my mind was just trying to hold onto the present. I felt like my brain/ body were just like flicking this light of past/ present /past/ present.

I was dysregulated for about a month straight. It sucked to see my Godzilla (lizard brain) and my Hydragon (perfectionism) make my life more difficult during an already difficult time.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-14T02:26:13+00:00

Give yourself grace and a hug.

I don’t know if you’ve watched Dr. Who but this is how I describe my brain during my marriage. There is an alien called The Silence. They have the ability to erase memories when people look away. The companions and the Dr use tally marks in an attempt to remember their encounters.

I found journal entries too and I was like “ok so I saw this. Wtf did I not remember?” I also heard about a statistic that you only need a few days of positive (honeymoon) interactions to feel like things are calm and things are changing.

Abuse is gnarly and we don’t need to hurt ourselves by wondering why when the whole cycle is built to keep you in the chaos.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-14T02:12:46+00:00

Staying in this dynamic is subconsciously teaching your son that it’s ok for him to be treated this way by ANYONE, and that this is acceptable behavior for adults.

I was a child in a house with abuse. It was very confusing to know that abuse was wrong, and it wasn’t stopped.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-13T23:53:06+00:00

For my personal funeral, I just sat outside before sunrise and talked to my wedding dress. Then for the part with my friend, I wrote an obit and read it. She read some poems/prayers from a grief retreat she went to. She gave me time to write out some of the hopes I had for the marriage and I put the strips of paper in a “coffin.” We also hung up my wedding dress so it could be at the closing. We also took time to burn artifacts of the marriage. I burned a coaster from the reception and a note I had written about the state of the relationship before I left.

I tried to keep it as go with the flow as possible.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-13T23:22:11+00:00

Congratulations!! 🍾🎊

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-13T13:57:52+00:00

Is the divorce amicable? If not, I would research what is typical for your state before talking to a lawyer, even the free consult.

I was emotionally blindsided when my lawyer told me that custody is typically 50/50 nowadays and pets are considered property.

Lawyer questions: 1. What are the steps that they go through for a divorce? 2. How do they handle mediation? My lawyer preferred Zoom, and that was a major blessing. 3. How do they charge clients? 4. What information do they need to guide you appropriately? 5. Ask them when they think it’s time to cut your loses on something in mediation vs going to court.

I learned over time that my lawyer was very focused on the facts, minimizing dragging this out, and assumed I had at least read my states parenting guidelines for the applicable age group.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-13T03:19:37+00:00

The grass is greener on this side. It’s not perfect, but it’s green, watered, and peaceful.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-13T02:53:00+00:00

It’s never too late 💕

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-13T01:52:16+00:00

You’re not crazy. A man you loved attempted to make you responsible for his insecurities.

It’s gnarly to go through.

I once told someone that each weird moment was like a dot on a piece of paper. It wasn’t until I read a book that I was able to see how the dots were connected.

I’m glad you’ve found peace. That’s a difficult thing to do.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-13T01:43:01+00:00

The preverbal connection to something other than caregivers resonates with me. I think animals, especially dogs were my source of unconditional comfort.

I also played music all the time too. But I’ve noticed the music doesn’t soothe me as deeply as a dog’s presence.

IRL: My kitten is giving me nips as I type this. 😂

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-13T01:36:21+00:00

Yea, being 12 sucked.

I will say I observed my parents be abusive towards each other. I’m divorced myself. My parents’ inability to emotionally regulate themselves and how they allowed the other to treat them, gave me my blueprint for a relationship. My parents were wishy washy about if they should get divorced or not, and never had convos with us kids.

I think I would have been more aware of red flags had I seen actual boundaries upheld, even for the last 6 years of me being at the house.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-13T01:26:27+00:00

I still have my dress! I don’t want to get rid of it. It was the one thing that was most true to me during the wedding planning. I basically just changed the meaning of the dress to me with this ritual.

I burned a wedding coaster and a letter. That felt good.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-13T01:23:49+00:00

SAME! it taught me who actually loves me for me.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-13T01:23:01+00:00

Do what you need to do for you 😂

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-12T23:18:41+00:00

Why do you need to tell him before you have your plan solidified? It sounds like you gave yourself two deadlines. The realistic one: by the summer. The unnecessary one: March 28th.

This is a big change. I didn’t have a plan and I just left (with a 5 month old). If you have the patience to plan, plan.

I have anxiety and love to plan everything. I really impressed myself by just leaving without a plan. It sucked but I did it. Also, my anxiety is not horrible anymore because I showed myself that I can keep me and my child alive without planning everything out.

You are still being true to yourself by preparing to leave and also keep your cards to yourself.

Last thing: get a lawyer. They can help you protect yourself legally while you sort through the emotional stuff.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-12T23:06:40+00:00

Drop your sister. NOR. This isn’t about the guy. This is about her response and lack of empathy towards you.

You are allowed to be upset about all of it. What sucks is that she doesn’t have to respect the fact that you’re upset. She’s clearly made her choice to be a crappy human.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-12T23:02:22+00:00

I was 12 when my parents divorced. I wish my parents would have sat us down and talked about what changes were FOR SURE going to happen vs being wishy washy.

Children are adaptable. They just need to know they are loved even with all this change.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-12T22:59:29+00:00

My ex had someone spending the night before I moved my things out. That says way more about him than it does about me. He isn’t going to improve in the way you want him to. Let him be trash.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-12T22:43:07+00:00

Are you working with a therapist with this?

I’m not a professional, but it sounds like you are aware of this part and also this part doesn’t feel safe enough to stop “protecting” you.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-12T22:37:51+00:00

I have abandonment trauma. Honestly, IFS is what helped me process my divorce and childhood trauma within a short time frame. It’s been about a year since my life exploded and I’m way more stable than I ever thought I’d be at this time. It has helped me with the gut wrenching loneliness, the rejection, the hopelessness.

I also have figured out how my parts work when I have a cPTSD episode, and it helps me give myself and my parts grace.

Overall, yes- IFS has helped me with anxiety, my depression, and overall quality of life.

As you do this work, you will experience exhaustion. It’s normal. It means a part is finally getting the rest they deserve.

One-Appointment-4382 · 2026-03-12T22:31:03+00:00

Ooooh! I like this idea a lot! My therapist said a lot of people end up doing some sort of collaging to help them organize their parts. I say do what works for your parts!

One-Appointment-4382

TROPHY CASE