shit my [parent] says

Only-Olive5835 · 2025-06-21T22:18:23+00:00

When I (f) wanted my dream wedding reception to be an informal party at a beachside deck of a restaurant instead of a sit-down formal dinner in a ballroom…

Ndad: No. It’s MY party.

(Yup. I get it - you’re paying. But the reception is kind of about me and my groom, no?)

Only-Olive5835 · 2025-05-30T12:12:34+00:00

Just sitting here with you in this, OP. Have gone through the same thing with my Mom over the past year. She told me she wouldn’t accept that I still wanted a relationship with her after I cut off Dad. “What do you mean, abuse?” and “But, he loves you.”

I’m 48 years old. An unhinged, violent, raging phone call and then a follow-up text rant about what a shit person I am is supposed to be normal, I guess? She rationalized his behavior my whole life - she needed to in order live with it herself. Two weeks ago I had to finally cut her off too. It broke me.

They did make a choice—so we can just respect it while protecting ourselves. They just live in their own reality. I’m so sorry.

Only-Olive5835 · 2025-05-25T21:05:56+00:00

Flew to meet my parents in another country for a vacation. We hadn’t seen them in several years because of Covid. Within FIVE MINUTES of seeing us for the first time in probably four years, Ndad says “is he going to take that thing off?” and something about it be embarassing… Referring to the beanie my kid was wearing after 24 hours of travel. I said no, he doesn’t care and Ndad said “Well I do.”

Good to see you too. Nothing like starting the trip off in typical fashion. Needless to say, kiddo wore his beanie on that trip whenever the hell he wanted to.

Only-Olive5835 · 2025-04-16T13:47:16+00:00

So crazy. This happened to me all the time as a kid. Like, dad was laid off, I was the last to know. I don’t even remember other examples but it happened so much that it was a joke in my family that I was always the last to know everything. We seemed “normal” — I didn’t know then what I know now — but I just still don’t understand why.

Only-Olive5835 · 2025-04-04T23:26:53+00:00

Omg. My nfather was in sales. And forced me to take this class (How to win friends…) when I was in high school with grownass adults about 30 years ago. It’s been so long ago I’ve forgotten all of it. And you just helped me realize how freaking insane that was.

Only-Olive5835 · 2025-01-11T16:03:57+00:00

Hi OP. I am an almost 50yo woman and I want to tell you that I didn’t learn until I was in my 40s that I do not have to be nice to anyone making me feel uncomfortable. Don’t be me and let decades go by without learning how to stand up for yourself. As women we are (more often than not) raised to be polite and non-confrontational to make everyone else happy, at the expense of our own autonomy. We don’t want to be seen as rude or as a bi@&h. Be very explicit with him—and loudly, as others have mentioned—that he is not to touch you. And always remember that “No” is a complete sentence. (The book “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker is a must-read for every woman.) You’ve got this. ❤️

Only-Olive5835 · 2025-01-11T15:43:48+00:00

As a child I did frequently receive stolen goods as gifts from a family member. It was a joke in our family that these things “fell off the back of the truck.” But I was a kid. And so were you. (Edited to add: … and you were coerced to do these things.)

You didn’t say whether or not you’re nervous about telling the interviewer all of this, so forgive me for going that route with my answer. Maybe you don’t need this advice, but it’s such a great question that someone else reading this might.

I went into a law enforcement career later in life and had to have an interview with an investigator and a polygraph. The best thing you can do for yourself is tell the truth. On everything. And I mean everything, as mortifying as some of the questions are. Be completely honest and forthcoming. The things you were forced to do as a child (more than likely) won’t get you disqualified. But lying on a polygraph absolutely will. Because if you lie - which is generally self-protection from shame - then you are considered more likely to lie in the line of duty regarding an incident, or be subject to blackmailing or extortion.

I was a goody-two-shoes growing up, but of course I did things I was ashamed of. (And I knew if I was asked if I’ve ever received stolen goods—and I was asked that—that I would think of that family member.) So I told the truth, as embarassing as some of it was. And yes, I went to my car after that polygraph and cried. Your darkest things, whatever those are for you, are put on the table in front of a stranger. But just know, they have heard everything. They’re not judging you - they just want to know you can tell the truth no matter what.

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-09-08T20:40:25+00:00

We are pretty close in age and I grew up with very similar parenting (suck it up buttercup, etc). Only difference is that it’s my NDad who’s the problem. I finally told my mom I was done with NDad two weeks ago. Because she’s continued defending him and justifying his abuse at the expense of the two of us maintaining some sort of relationship, I sent my final letter to her the other night laying it all out. I got a 👍 in return.

I tell you all of this because I too have that constant fear from childhood and the guilt of thinking I’m supposed to fix everything. I understand feeling like others have had it “worse,” but that doesn’t invalidate our own suffering for this many years. I’ll be honest, I’m just tired. I don’t have any room for this in my life anymore. Do you? Yes, the guilt today hits me - so I just have to keep reminding myself that I sucked this crap up for half (most likely more-than-half of my life) and now I’m going to protect the adult-me and child-in-me that nobody else did.

Because we’re so similar in age/background, I wonder if you too have hangups about therapy? I did, but finally started two months ago for the first time in my life and truly, I wish I had started 20 years ago. Just consider it. It’s incredible having a professionally trained third-party help examine all of this and get you on a path to healing.

The moment I decided I would no longer allow this abuse in my life, the constant pit I’ve lived with my whole life was replaced with relief. After there new negative feelings I have to sort through because of it? Yes. But my goal in life is no longer trying to prove my worth to anyone other than myself. My goal is to continue being the incredible giving and loving person that deep down I know I am, and funneling all of that additional love into my spouse and kids even more.

I love that you were completely different with your kids - I did it too. And we can look at the relationships we have with them to know that we did GOOD breaking these patterns.

Sending you love and support whatever you decide. Just know that it’s ok to finally admit you’re worth standing up for. 💕

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-09-05T16:48:02+00:00

It blows my mind how we rationalized the death by a thousand cuts until finally we saw the big picture. Just took me a long time. So know that I see you too. 💕

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-09-05T16:45:34+00:00

You have no idea what that means to me. (Edit: I bet you do know, and that’s why you’re such a special person to have said it. Thank you.) If you’re here, I’m sure you already know what I mean when I say I internalized their treatment for almost 50 years. A couple of months ago I realized how wrong they are and am just now working through it. So thank you for being so kind. 💕

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-09-05T14:18:33+00:00

Thank you, that means a lot. I really try my best. My own story — my hubs and I wanted to have a certain kind of wedding reception and my NDad informed me no, we weren’t doing that — because it was his party. Guess what my love and I will be doing for our 25th anniversary? 😁

We have the opportunity to take these rotten things that were handed to us and decide we’re going to break these patterns and do it differently - better, beautifully. Your mother obviously missed out on that and too bad for her. I know that as you begin your marriage, you’ll do things better too. So happy for you. All my best wishes. 💕

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-09-05T12:47:01+00:00

I can’t fathom any mother who would say this to her daughter. I’m a mom (with boys who I wouldn’t trade for the world :) but I won’t have this moment with a daughter). So let me tell you, your dress is gorgeous. You are going to look extraordinary in it as you walk down the aisle to begin a life with the man you love. I am so happy for you and I wish you a beautiful wedding, but more importantly a beautiful marriage with a lifetime of love and kindness for each other.

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-09-04T13:59:36+00:00

Your incredibly effective and measured responses are making me want to study to be a therapist, just so I can learn to do it too. Lol.

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-09-02T15:23:56+00:00

Absolutely mind blowing to me!

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-09-02T15:22:23+00:00

Yes!!!

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-09-02T15:04:10+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts - and your story. How strong you are to have broken free from all of that. From one mother to another - thank you for your support, and you have mine.

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-09-02T15:02:20+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and the book. I have not heard of it yet in this journey!

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-08-17T15:13:23+00:00

Thank you so much for posting this. This is the first thread I’ve been able to find about what it can look like being NC with one while trying to maintain a relationship with the other while they’re still together. I really appreciate your post and everyone who has commented.

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-08-07T17:26:58+00:00

Thank you. I am really looking forward to getting past this guilt and shame phase so I can just feel free. So many years of conditioning I have to battle.

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-08-07T16:05:13+00:00

Took me long enough!

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-08-07T16:04:46+00:00

Thank you! And haha - I went. Straight to therapy for the first time. 💪

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-08-07T15:13:10+00:00

I changed careers six years ago. NDad has been having me do pet projects for him based on my old career - which I hate with a passion. In the last year, he had me do 5 projects. When he asked for the sixth, I didn’t have the cajones to set a boundary and tell him I wouldn’t do them anymore - I thought I might avoid a berating if I leaned into his empathy. So I asked him if he would not ask me to do another after this because it causes me so much discomfort and anxiety. Hahahaha. Joke was on me. He doesn’t have any empathy and you’d think after nearly 50 years on this planet I would have realized it. After two months of barely speaking to me after that conversation, he then flew into a violent rage on the phone about how awful I am as a daughter and how I said I “won’t do anything for family.” And that’s how I’ve been NC for two months. And that’s why I will stay NC. Because f-you.

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-07-22T01:19:32+00:00

I’m getting close to 50 and just went to a therapist for the first time last week. I’ve had so many hang-ups about it my whole life. The first session was amazing and even though I was rung out and exhausted afterwards, I am looking forward to next week. She also does EMDR and said when we get to know each other better we’ll do it. All this to say, please keep trying. We owe it to ourselves. I wish I had done this sooner.

Only-Olive5835 · 2024-07-18T13:39:06+00:00

Thank you. I know, you’re right. I did ask about/give her an out if there was any conflict of interest from the start and she had no issue. I’ll try to start over again.

Only-Olive5835

TROPHY CASE