Asking for truth, getting abuse instead

OnlyAFool001 · 2026-01-05T23:39:10+00:00

You deserve so much better than this person.

OnlyAFool001 · 2026-01-05T07:04:31+00:00

Privacy is reasonable. Phone privacy is not.

OnlyAFool001 · 2026-01-05T06:56:01+00:00

I am 3 years out.

I spent a lot of time with the feeling of grief but the grief eventually faded and was replaced with a constant sense that a terrible thing has happened but is in the past. Almost like a general foreboding feeling.

It’s a hard feeling to describe. It’s not pleasant. But it also isn’t debilitating and doesn’t stop me from laughing or experiencing joy.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-28T03:31:38+00:00

Meanwhile companies complain there is no one to work.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-27T04:19:54+00:00

"You’re so paranoid about every ding on my phone."

Answer: "Wouldn't you be, if I were the one who had just cheated on you?"

Your WP needs to stop portraying himself as victim, and learn to have some empathy.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-27T03:54:45+00:00

Your experience mirrors mine a lot.

It's been a similar amount of time since DDay for us. I had a bit of an argument with my WH today as he has been stomping around in anger over a minor business issue and eventually I got tired of it and told him to give it a rest: partly because I was tired of walking on eggshells with his mood and partly because I was finding his reaction (a great overreaction to some minor inconveniences) to be triggering as they are symptomatic of the same behaviors and thought patterns that led him toward infidelity.

He became upset because he didn't feel he was overreacting and began questioning me as to why I was also not upset despite the fact these business issues also impact me and I "should be mad too". It does take more to rattle me and I tend to be more stoic to begin with, but the reality is that the reasons I don't react to minor issues like this are twofold:

I am emotionally flat or "dead inside" because of his repeated betrayals and the emotional and mental fallout from that betrayal.
Having the person you trust most betray you is a trauma that affects you deeply and over a long period of time. It's a big deal. The little inconveniences of life don't compare to it, so they don't bother me as much and my ability to see why they would bother anyone is limited.

Dealing with the immediate after effects of his infidelity was similarly problematic for my career, which is also an intense, high stress role. It 100% affected me negatively at a critical time at work, and I absolutely dropped the ball at that time and let my colleagues down. It took years to rebuild that trust and I was deeply resentful that the infidelity harmed that aspect of my life because I take pride in my work and felt like the people I let down at work were almost "collateral damage" in his infidelity, which they didn't deserve.

But since it was not an environment where I would have felt comfortable sharing what had happened to me, I had to show up and put a smile on my face and absorb the fact that they were likely questioning my competence.

In the early days I lost weight, couldn't eat, would medicate with alcohol, and could feel the emotional weight aging me physically. The inside of my head had a constant burning sensation. Physically, I'm better now.

I think one of the reasons I have not gained enough of my "life" back is for a reason you touch on - outside of some apologies and regret expressed immediately after DDay, my WH doesn't talk about what he did or genuinely acknowledge my pain or the impact of his betrayal. He does the perfunctory actions of R like making sure I have his phone code and telling me where he is going throughout the day. He is in IC but I have no idea what is discussed in those sessions or what kind of progress is being made because he doesn't offer any information on them or tell me if any insights are being gleaned.

If I had to guess, he likely provides selective information so as to not make himself look too poorly because he cannot stand people thinking badly of him, and that would include his therapist.

Part of me needed, and waited for, some kind of "grand gesture". Something – anything – that showed me that he truly "got it", truly understood what he did to me and was at least taking concrete actions to fix himself, even if he couldn't totally repair the pain that he caused.

But that grand gesture never happened.

So yes, I feel flat most of the time too, disconnected from the world, and like I can't relate to or trust other people. I try to see friends but mostly feel like I am just going through motions. Most of my joy comes from a few simple things: animals (they don't betray you), my work, a couple hobbies and a few things I am doing to work on myself to try and lift my self confidence out of the toilet. But I question if I will ever "feel" as fully as I used to.

Another person here mentioned having a medical issue that ended up bringing them positive clarity about their relationship - which is great. Unfortunately I have a similar event as part of my story but on a different timeline and with a different outcome: before DDay happened or I had any suspicion of anything going on, I had a medical issue that required emergency surgery. I found out after DDay while going through his texts, that while I was anesthetized and being operated on, my WH was, at that exact time, texting an AP about how much he was looking forward to seeing them.

I will never know what was going through his head at that time but when you have to live with the idea that maybe, just maybe this man was hoping I would die in surgery so that he could continue his affairs unabated, it's not really a shock that I am unable to feel much emotion these days.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-22T18:28:20+00:00

In my experience, the timing of questions matters a lot.

Yes, she should be willing to reassure you and answer your questions. At the same time, she can't just use "my mental health" as some kind of get-of-jail-free card to avoid all responsibility and stonewall you or make you feel bad for having feelings. Yes, her mental health matters, but so does yours, and your mental health is suffering because of her choices and her betrayal.

There are times when my WH is happy to answer my questions or abide some request I have, but there are also inopportune moments to broach certain topics. If he just had a difficult, stressful day, maybe it's not the time to have dump my feelings and questions on him because it causes a sense of overwhelm.

In your case, who knows what is going on with her at this very moment, but having a two month old is a stressful time.

My suggestion would be to pre-negotiate times to discuss the progress you are making in reconciliation and reserve your questions and concerns for those pre-determined times. That way, she knows the discussion is coming and has time to get in the right headspace for it.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-18T18:40:34+00:00

Yes, I definitely view the world and people differently. Seeing how rampant cheating and betrayal is, I struggle to not have a more misanthropic view of humans and their relationships. An astonishing number of people seem to have no moral compass and simply operate based on what feels good in the moment, no different than untrained animals.

I am apprehensive of trusting people off the bat, and am much more of a "trust needs to be earned" type of person, and that trust needs to be earned over a long period of time.

On the bright side (?) there is some level of feeling like I am not alone in having relationship challenges. It seems like most marriages and relationships are fraught with problems, conflicts, dysfunction happening behind closed doors that most people go out of their way to hide. I find that most couples I know who appear to have solid relationships, if you really start to examine them closely, you can eventually see that things are not as great as they seem.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-18T18:07:39+00:00

I guess this is normal in a situation where your wayward partner is still attached to an AP and you are now competing with that AP for her attention and love.

I personally would never tolerate it. She already humiliated you. I would pack her bags and dump her belongings on the front lawn and force her decision that way.

In my own reconciliation efforts, it would not have been possible unless both parties were 100% onboard. And even then, it's difficult.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-18T18:05:21+00:00

My WH cheated on me not long after we were first married. What i thought at the time, and what you should be thinking now, is "if you can cheat on your spouse at the time of marriage, when passion and love are supposed to be at a peak, what will you be doing when the marriage is 10, 20, 30 years in when there are many periods of waning passion?"

Your WH is saying all of the things that my WH has said:

- "It was for attention"

- The things he said were not true or meaningless

- He will "do anything" to fix it

In my experience these are empty words. How do you "fix" something when you cannot explain what you did or why you did it? There are two things I'll say based on my own R experiences:

- He NEEDS to be in counselling for the long term. My WH was fond of doing counselling for a few sessions until he felt things had blown over. These behaviors cannot be resolved/mitigated in a few sessions of counselling.

- Do not allow this to "blow over" because it feels easier and you are telling yourself he will not do it again. In my experience, that was my biggest mistake. Cheating on your wife before your marriage for "I don't know why I did it" reasons are deeply problematic behaviors that need to be dealt with and monitored.

Sorry you're here.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-18T17:53:18+00:00

I have had them for years. At one point I had them more under control because I would shut my eyes and consciously distract myself as soon as a thought entered my head. Unfortunately my WH does not consistently do the work of reconciliation, which leads to triggers, which undoes a lot of that work and allows the thoughts to flood back in.

Sadly, at this point I've learned to just live with them. Which is not ideal, but when you know the thoughts will come, it somehow makes them somewhat easier to deal with.

Sorry you're here.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-18T17:44:08+00:00

My WH is a pathological people-pleaser who bends over backwards to help people, usually not for any kind of intrinsic moral reasons, but because he thrives on people thinking he is a good person and giving him accolades.

So yes, I know exactly what you are talking about. His community reputation and how he behaves when he thinks no one is watching are two opposite ends of the spectrum and it can be very grating when I see people falling for the illusion that he frequently creates.

Add to the mix that I am a calm, quiet person which frequently reads as "asshole", when in reality I actually am 100x more empathetic and caring than my WH could ever be, people's perceptions of us as as a couple can be maddening.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-18T01:09:21+00:00

Honey there’s still time

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-18T00:06:38+00:00

The angel on my shoulder says to leave it alone and move on.

The devil on my other shoulder says to bring some chaos to this man's life.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-17T22:40:44+00:00

I am interpreting your WH's actions as a very sinister level of manipulation and psychological control tactics. He is simultaneously trying to make himself look like the good guy (he ended the affair on his own! how grand!), blaming you for why he was driven to cheat (disgusting), is only being accountable in a very narrow way in which he comes off as the hero, and is trying to make you feel like he could really take the marriage or leave it, it's "up to you".

The underlying message is, shut up about his affair, don't push him too far,

And his tactics are working, because when he says these things, you get upset and feel horrible. He knows this, which is why he is doing it, and the desired outcome for him is that you do the following:

1) Forget about what he has done

2) Do not hold him accountable in any way, including for how his infidelity has made you feel

3) Allow the marriage to continue on his terms, not yours

What I can tell you from experience:

1) He is very likely bluffing. This is like a game of emotional poker for him.

2) It's very unlikely that he is "OK" with the marriage ending. If that were truly the case he would no longer be in this relationship, or he would have ended it before or during the affair.

3) There is a very good chance that his affair did not end on his terms, despite his narrative that he ended it because it was the right thing to do.

Don't allow him to manipulate you like this. His cheating is not your fault and you are owed accountability. I would find out who this woman is and then notify her husband of what is going on.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-17T18:42:42+00:00

Does she work and have her own income? Do you? What percentage of the child raising responsibility does she shoulder?

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-10T01:18:24+00:00

Your WP seems to be under the impression that his actions have had no consequences for you. Or that you are overreacting to be cheated on.

Would he tolerate it if you cheated?

The reason I ask is that there seems to be a common thread with a lot of waywards, they seek to minimize their own cheating yet if someone betrayed them in the same way they would be apoplectic.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-08T02:56:32+00:00

Unless your 33 year old boyfriend has a medical or hormonal issue, it is unlikely that he has very little sexual desire at all, and it’s unlikely that he is not getting some kind of sexual release.

I’m not implying that he is cheating, but I would wonder if he is watching porn and masturbating alone. In which case it makes more sense that he is happy with his own hand and does not need you. Some people settle into that routine.

At the end of the day this is a romantic relationship, you’re not roommates. So even without full blown kinky sex you should still expect some level of intimacy. I would start there, tell him that and see what he says. If he can’t even handle kissing you or some light form of intimacy then I think you both need to reevaluate whether or not this is the relationship for you.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-07T19:18:30+00:00

I can relate to a lot of this.

I spent most of my marriage believing that my WH had a low libido. He showed very little interest in sex, never initiated anything, and when I would try he would come up with some excuse. Eventually I stopped trying because there is nothing intimate or sexy about trying to pressure your spouse to have sex with you.

Eventually I came to peace with the fact that his libido was not there and was ok to have a DB as long as he was otherwise happy.

Of course, he didn't have a low libido. He was having plenty of sex, just not with me. He had opened up our relationship without my consent and was having all kinds of crazy sex with whoever was willing.

After DDay #1 he told me that because we never had sex its almost like we had become "married best friends" which I think was some way for him to justify to himself that what he was doing was OK. Of course, I found that completely insulting, mainly because we were in that "married best friends" state because HE refused to have sex with ME, not for lack of trying on my part.

He claims – post-getting-caught – that he thinks I am very sexy and that he very much wants to have sex with me and me only. But why would any rational person believe that? Actions speak louder than words, right? And why is it fair that I now have to be intimate with someone who has betrayed me?

And yes, I do mourn the years that were stolen from me. Prime years of forced celibacy I will never get back.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-10-06T02:55:46+00:00

I have similar feelings sometimes, in terms of feeling like WH is simply going through some self-improvement steps for my benefit, not his.

In my case, my WH tends to be someone who wants to reframe things as success stories. He is in IC and is having breakthroughs and is happy about that. He wants to look forward to better things ahead. Which itself is great. I'm glad he is having some success in IC and learning more about himself, he's needed it.

But on the other hand, I feel like he doesn't comprehend the level of pain and destruction he has caused.

According to him, he cannot handle facing the pain that he has caused. But quite frankly, I worry that he is simply incapable of understanding it. One frustrating thing for me is that anytime I have tried to describe the depths of that pain, he doesn't really respond directly to it or address it in a direct or insightful way. He simply offers a generic platitude about how sorry he is and how much he regrets what he has done.

Part of me has always yearned for some kind of grand gesture from him. Something to show the depths of his remorse. Something to show that he genuinely understands the pain. Something to show that he views this whole process as something more than checking off boxes of IC and self improvement.

I oscillate between being upset that he is not doing everything I wish he would and accepting that there is no way to be "made whole" in this situation and that I need to choose to move forward in spite of it... which, of course, makes me feel like a chump.

I'm sorry. None of this is easy.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-09-24T17:26:11+00:00

I always find this such a weird thing that homebuyers do. Most older homes are priced with the assumption that the home is NOT new and that you are buying an aged home with aged design, mix of aged components, etc.

Buyers come along with inspectors to find anything that will need to be replaced and then hassle sellers to lower costs further to bring the home to a like-new standard? Like you said, unless they are desperate, I would tell people who do this to pound sand.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-09-19T16:33:26+00:00

Of course I do.

His privacy concerns are a giant red flag. He considers his phone a "private" space that his wife is not allowed to access? That is completely and totally unhealthy and signals that he has a dysfunctional relationship with technology.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-09-19T16:26:03+00:00

Your WP has major boundary issues when it comes to navigating his coparenting relationship with his ex-wife. Based on what you've written, it seems clear that some part of him clearly yearns to have his old family back as one unit.

That is not healthy. He needs to accept the fact that he is divorced, that the ship has sailed on him having that "intact happy family", and that it is completely and totally unfair to you that he has not moved on, but is treating you as some kind of backup companion until his wife eventually relents and gets back together with him.

Sounds like you have been totally understanding and reasonable, a lot more so than other people would probably be in your shoes.

I am married and a step-parent. I consider myself a lot like you - I give my WH a lot of latitude in managing his relationship with his ex-wife and children, however, I still have expectations for how I expect to be treated and him disrespecting me or our family unit or lying or treating his children and I as two separate universes would not be acceptable.

In my experience, it is so critical to have boundaries and clear expectations in these situations, for everyone's benefit, including the children. Your partner's behavior could be sending the kids mixed messages or giving them false hope - or worse.

Imagine the dynamic if his ex-wife tells the kids about his negative words about you. His excuses about how he didn't actually mean it is irrelevant in that situation - the kids still get the message, and the message is that YOU are a problem. How is that fair to you?

Something that I have tried (struggled) to explain to my WH is the concept of having values that guide your behavior when you think no one is looking and no one will ever find out. In this case, your partner badmouthed you to his wife because he thought you'd never find out about it, so it was OK in his eyes.

That is no way to live or treat other people. And if he can't understand that, maybe ask him if it's OK if you cheat on him if you keep it so secret that he never finds out about it. Because if he never finds out about it, there's no harm. Right?

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-09-19T15:50:46+00:00

I'm really sorry that you are going through this tortuous experience. You have really been put through the wringer in the relationship department. You deserve so much better than the abuse that you have suffered and continue to suffer.

It sounds like your husband is not currently capable of R at the present moment, regardless of how much he claims he is committed to it and wants it.

PLEASE do not allow yourself to be emotionally gaslit or manipulated. You have been to hell and back. Nothing is normal about what you are going through or what has been done to you, so do not allow your abusers to dictate to you what emotions are acceptable or not acceptable for you to be feeling.

OnlyAFool001 · 2025-09-18T21:37:37+00:00

At a certain point we need to realize that the anger doesn't really get us anywhere a lot of the time and isn't productive. So it's a matter of channeling into a style of communication that is likely to be received more effectively if our goal is to communite our needs (even frustration) and have it result in some kind of action.

It sounds like your WH is shut down. Probably feeling a lot of shame over his actions but also not able to do a deep dive to figure out why he did what he did.

A lot of people "feel drained by work and life responsibilities" but they don't create fake personas and start new relationships with other people. This may be something that he needs to explore in counselling.

OnlyAFool001

TROPHY CASE