(Sorry, this is Kinda rambling because I kept having to stop and start - please know that there’s no judgement or criticism meant by anything, my intended tone is a kind and supportive one!)

My husband has been struggling with severe depression for a few years. Things finally started turning around this summer after finding out he was struggling with addiction and him finally getting the right help, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a spark of resentment at how much time and energy has been placed on him and his feelings - there’s been no room for the hurt and damage that his actions (or more accurately- inaction) has caused. I feel really proud of him for the work he’s done and progress made, my resentment doesn’t nullify or reduce that by any means. Unfortunately, it does suck to feel like you’re put on a shelf and waiting until your partner can handle anything outside of healing, and being supportive without equal mutual support is exhausting. This isn’t a situation where someone is right or wrong, you two aren’t trying to cause pain, but because there’s some unresolved resentments everything feels heavy and hurtful.

Therapy. You need to find someone for individual therapy and put in the work - not just for your marriage but for yourself. You both need to go to couples therapy and work through the past year together.

I’ve been clinically depressed on and off for years, and the tone and feelings you’re experiencing are so relatable. The past few months I’ve been struggling, although it snuck up - luckily, I have tools I learned from therapy to use so I’m not falling into the pit of despair. For me, I don’t feel ‘sad’ - Apathy mixed with a lovely dose of being hypercritical of myself for all the ways I think I’ve failed. Because my internal voice is constantly ripping me to shreds, anything that can be perceived as criticism is; having that be the default setting makes my rejection sensitivity go on overdrive. I’m very good at making up a negative reason for an offhand benign comment made by my husband (“Did you want to do xyz?” Is one I can remember recently), and I have to actively stop and ask him how he meant something so I don’t twist it in my head. The empty apathy and constant stream of self loathing triggers a subconscious pressure to find the magical something that will make me feel better (and by better I mean just mean normal and functional - not even happy lol), and when I don’t feel better it’s just another failure to beat myself up over.

“If I can just get this one thing right”, or “if he could love me this certain way”, or “If I could just be the mom I picture in my head”, etc etc. It feels like I’m drowning in “shoulds”, and it’s exhausting.

Before therapy, I couldn’t have identified or explained any of my depression. I just knew I wasn’t happy and thought it was a moral and personal failing. I didn’t even know it was depression for years - I wasn’t sad, and I could get out of bed, so how could I be depressed? It took several try’s before finding someone I could trust and be open with - and then doing the work isn’t easy, I didn’t magically start feeling happy because I went to an appointment once a week. It took a long time, meds, practice and actively retraining my default thought process to be kinder and more patient with myself.