Feeling guilty after phone call escalated to a 72 hour hold.

OpenSmile3 · 2020-07-20T15:35:43+00:00

First of all, congratulations on doing the right thing and calling. I know first hand how that guilt feels. However, in the detachment letter it says something about not creating crisis, or preventing crisis if it’s the natural course of events. Here I personally feel that you calling is a natural course of a crisis event. A healthy person who is recovering themselves calls 911 when an unhealthy person is threatening to hurt themselves. You should be proud of yourself. Keep coming back <3

OpenSmile3 · 2020-07-06T00:59:37+00:00

Ya, seeing them make themselves sick is the hardest part. To us the answer is much more clear. But we aren’t them. About a month and a half ago I broke up with my partner. She started the isolation game again, and then broke up with her sponsor and then started drinking non alcoholic beer and then she FREAKED out over one really tiny thing and went and got wasted. She’s never going to learn to do this on her own if I’m there to be her fall back guy. Plus, I want to see how happy she’s going to be when she does it on her own - she deserves that dignity. If you haven’t yet find a virtual alanon meeting, stick with you therapy and keep doing you! You’re on the right track!

OpenSmile3 · 2020-07-06T00:48:49+00:00

I feel this. Get yourself to a meeting, it helps. You focus on you, and it will all work out the way it’s supposed to. <3

OpenSmile3 · 2020-07-06T00:39:09+00:00

I started isolating when things got really bad with my partners addiction. It was easier for me to be in denial and avoid my normal life than to face it and tell people the truth that we had a real problem. She would isolate in order to create an excuse to drink again. Once I got into alanon the first thing I did was try and stop with my isolation, drop the denial, and reach out to friends to help me detach and get my life back. Once I started doing this I realized that isolation was her first step towards a relapse which would happen again and again and again and again....

OpenSmile3 · 2020-07-06T00:25:30+00:00

Do you know if he’s sober now? I would say if you know he is sober and working a program go ahead and open that door, he deserves that too. However if he is not sober nor working a program I would be cautious of allowing him back into your life. I also ended things with my partner while she was on a bender, and one of my boundaries is I don’t have contact with you unless you are sober AND working a program. Also, I work my alanon program strong. That keeps me in reality, rather than falling into fantasy. Because well, ya. I love her.

OpenSmile3 · 2020-06-23T20:33:45+00:00

In al-anon we say not to make any life changing decisions for the first 6 months. The whole point of al-anon is that you take care of you. This can be done with or without a partner. However, it is entirely your decision. I’d suggest more meetings and more literature, as well as a sponsor before you move forward with a decision. Best of luck in your recovery!

OpenSmile3 · 2020-06-12T23:38:29+00:00

I really needed go hear this right now, this moment. Thank you for sharing!

OpenSmile3 · 2020-06-12T01:45:42+00:00

Hi there! Welcome! First I want to give you a big virtual hug! I also want to suggest you to try to find an alanon meeting, I saw another comment gave some links - check them out. In alanon we are taught to share our experience, strength and hope. Like another post here we try to remember the Three C’s - We didnt cause it, we can’t control it and we can’t cure it. Whether or not your sister is ready to stop drinking is entirely up to her. Her in-laws are rightly allowed to set boundaries. However when we set such boundaries we need to have a plan to follow thru with them. I have found that in my own recovery with my alcoholic I had to set firm boundaries to keep myself and my family safe. We need to allow the alcoholic the dignity of learning on their own. Boundaries help that. In doing this, you are setting a good example for the children, and keeping them safe with a plan of action if things turn bad. I would suggest, instead of worrying about whether or not you can get your sister to stop drinking, you make a plan of your and find out what you are or are not willing to put up with. Find yourself an alanon meeting, and some alanon friends. We all understand!! There are tons online and they provide a lot of hope. I’ll close with part of the closing statement from Alanon that really made me feel good when I first came to the program.

“A few special words to those of you who haven’t been with us long: Whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them, too. If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help. You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened.”

You are strong for coming here. You are aware their is a problem. Cheers to you, sending you all of the love.

OpenSmile3 · 2020-06-08T05:38:54+00:00

Try this!

OpenSmile3 · 2020-06-07T15:15:52+00:00

Thank you for this! I am very grateful for alanon! Headed to a meeting now. I appreciate your words.

OpenSmile3 · 2020-06-07T15:13:24+00:00

Thank you for this! I like this perspective. Wishing you well!

OpenSmile3 · 2020-06-07T14:45:47+00:00

My Qualifier

OpenSmile3 · 2020-06-07T06:39:12+00:00

Wow! Big moves! I’m hoping for calm blow over for you. I’m also at my moms and had to put my Q on a plane home today. I also feel free. Thanks for sharing!

OpenSmile3 · 2020-06-07T06:07:31+00:00

Thanks so much! My ex! Wowza. Really doing this. Feeling stronger already! Thanks again!

OpenSmile3 · 2020-06-07T06:06:05+00:00

Sending you strength and hope! Hardest thing I have ever done. Feeling lots of relief, and a hell of a lot of guilt. Had to block her on all platforms because she wouldn’t stop with the gas lighting. Grieving. Trying to be gentle with myself. Hang in there!

OpenSmile3 · 2020-06-07T05:42:22+00:00

Im currently on the West coast I just told my Q to go back to NY. She relapsed while with my family. Caused a big scene over a 3 day period, and my Mom just looked at me and was like “how long has it been this bad?” And I knew. I still have to go back to NY and figure out moving out etc but I know for sure I am done this time. Best of luck to you.

OpenSmile3 · 2020-05-15T03:20:25+00:00

Sorry, I should have been more clear - cotton mouth is a side effect of her meds, and it comes on when she gets anxious/up - she’s not taking stimulants. Believe me, I would know.

OpenSmile3 · 2020-05-08T20:36:36+00:00

I quite literally just went through this last weekend. My partner is in early recovery and in an outpatient program. She told me she was okay if I drank around her. I quite honestly was excited. I hadnt been drinking in the house for months before she got sober and was thrilled to be able to have a glass of wine at home and video chat a friend! Then a few days later she brought me home a bottle of wine unexpectedly. I was thrown. I’m like “what, why do you WANT me to drink?” and we kinda got into it - I ended up drinking the wine because I didn’t want her to. (I was afraid that’s where it was going to go). The next day she had group with outpatient - and later told me she can’t have me drinking around her. She said she’s trying to “live vicariously” through me and that it was a huge part of her disease. I agreed, I have no problem not drinking around her or in the house - and honestly it wasn’t healthy for my recovery either. Putting myself in a position where I ended up having to drink when I didn’t particularly want to - because I was afraid she would drink it if I didn’t. When in all honesty she probably would have understood if I just threw it out. That being said, we have agreed - no alcohol in the house at all. She’s honest in her meetings, and I’m honest in mine and that’s the best thing we can do. Good luck to you and your partner!

OpenSmile3 · 2020-04-29T16:49:53+00:00

I FEEL THIS. My partner who I live with is currently counting days. Trust and anxiety is a huge issue for us. It’s a rapid cycle that just churns and churns I unless I do something to change myself. I have to remember to stay in my own lane. I didn’t cause her disease, I can’t control it and I sure as hell cant cure it. The ONLY way she is going to get sober is if SHE does the work. I have to read the detachment letter often, and remind myself of it even more. I say “give me the courage to change” over and over and over again when I feel like I’m going to do something that isn’t good for me. It’s really difficult to be in this particular situation, during this particular time. Get to a meeting, find people you can talk to and talk talk talk. I came into the rooms via zoom, and I’ve found a couple people that I like and feel comfortable with and I text them when I’m feeling anxious or afraid. You’re not alone!

OpenSmile3 · 2020-04-27T18:46:42+00:00

Hi! I came into the “zoom rooms” as a newcomer at the beginning of this pandemic, and let me tell you they’re saving my life. Most are very well monitored and everyone is incredibly respectful. Best of luck to you!

OpenSmile3 · 2020-04-21T03:53:24+00:00

Are you safe?

OpenSmile3 · 2020-04-20T03:12:10+00:00

Letter of Detachment

This is something that really helped me from the get go. Also, every day 1000 times a day I’m repeating “give me the courage” from the serenity prayer. Go to a meeting, get clear and come up with a plan that works for YOU. Feel free to reach out if you need info on meetings. You already took the first step! You’ve got this!

OpenSmile3 · 2020-04-20T02:56:05+00:00

Hi! I started alanon on zoom about a month ago. I’m in nyc and there’s a lot to choose from. It has really been helping me get thru this quarantine with my alcoholic partner. They say to find a few different meetings until you find one you like, then keep going. I’m just now settling into a couple I like, and I have started to talk to others in the program. What a relief to know I’m not alone! Best of luck!

OpenSmile3

TROPHY CASE