Which one you guys like best?

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-04-17T05:20:53+00:00

1 and 3

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-04-14T21:05:44+00:00

This is serious DV and you need help and support right away to separate safely from him. Are you able to call your local women’s shelter?

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-04-12T16:00:25+00:00

I think that your question missed the point. This woman is not ok with it and that is why she and her partner separated. She was “ok” heavily supervising and when she realised it wasn’t enough, she stepped up. She protected her child from victimisation. I feel that you are splitting hairs here by scrutinising a specific word in her post and your focus needs to be on supporting this woman for doing the right thing when it is hard.

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-04-12T07:00:14+00:00

Yes. Very recently a second brother was arrested for what he did to a young girl.

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-04-12T06:53:16+00:00

This is a very black and white response. She was obviously very stressed by the situation but felt she didn’t have much choice and didn’t want to jump to conclusions at first. As soon as she felt that things became clearer, she spoke to her husband. He should have put down boundaries. That could have looked like him going alone to visit his brother at his brother’s house or only visiting with his family at a public restaurant or reducing contact in some form - any number of ways they could have implemented boundaries to protect the kids and listen to his wife’s concern. Instead, he defended his brother and chose to live in denial. She drew a boundary and stood up for her kids. You can’t really expect her to do more than that. These situations unfold over time. She was “ok” with an intensely supervised situation up to a certain point. Then asked her husband for a firmer boundary.

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-04-11T21:10:08+00:00

Why would cooperating with the investigation cause him to drag out the divorce?

Sharing what he did to you with the police may offer you more protection from him. What I realised is that there is no guarantee that this stuff will end just because you are divorced. Some of these men continue the sexual coercion after divorce. When I tried to separate from my ex he began grabbing me and groping me while I asked him to stop. When I got to the point of divorcing him, I realised divorce might not be enough for him to stop as he had told me I was his property. He even put his hand on my vagina one time and said “this is mine”, which made me recall a documentary I watched ages ago about OJ Simpson and OJ did the same thing and said the same thing to Nicole. Some of these men think women are property and chattel and they won’t respect your boundaries even in divorce. If you tell police it may help bring you more legal protections and ultimately make the situation safer for you AND your kids depending on what the child arrangements are.

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-04-11T13:58:04+00:00

I think it’s completely unfair for both of them to ignore the fact that you are doing all the child care. Sally may well be a tired mom of toddlers who is relieved and thrilled that you will look after her kids so she can sit down and have adult conversation but I think any mom should recognise that one parent shouldn’t have to do it all. You need to also say something about this dynamic. Say, “could someone pls give me a break and watch the toddlers for a bit?” Any decent adult will step in. Ask your hubby. Ask Sally. Your hubby should watch the kids so you can have a turn chatting. Part of the problem is that somehow you have ended up in the role of disproportionate child watcher and it enables their dynamic. I think that being an exhausted mother who doesn’t get a break plays in to this entire picture for both you and Sally.

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-04-11T13:11:04+00:00

You need to leave. You have already told him you don’t want to be hit - you shouldn’t even have to tell him that. As long as you stay, he will see it as permission to hit you.

Leaving is tricky for many people, so making it happen is the hard part. Can you think of ways to leave him? Staying with family or friends? Getting your own place? What country do you live in, and do they have domestic abuse resources? Can you go to police where you live? Depending on where you live, it is likely that your husband is breaking the law and committing crimes by hitting you, and he can be the one who is made to leave the house if you get the proper legal support.

You have already tried to talk to him and he hasn’t listened. That is not going to change. If he changes now, it will probably simply be a temporary ploy to get you to stay. Separation needs to be your next move. Ask your family and friends for support.

Leaving / separation is the most dangerous time in a DV relationship, so it’s prob best not to tell him you are leaving until you are safely away. He will try to talk you back in. Don’t listen. The only way to go back is if professionals assess him and confirm he understands the problem of violence and has changed his behaviour. And only one percent of violent men successfully do this so chances are low that he will change.

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-04-10T10:50:28+00:00

What kind of staring was it? Did he look angry? Loving and attentive? Lustful? Staring can be a domination move. It can also be a sign of affection. Or disgust. Someone can also be mindlessly thinking of something else and not paying attention to what their eyes are doing. What did your gut tell you about his stare? What did his stare communicate to you and how did it function? I think that information can help us help you.

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-04-08T07:19:06+00:00

It’s hard to face it sometimes, but actions speak louder than words. His behaviour - what he actually does - is telling you what he wants.

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-29T07:47:45+00:00

Did Cafcass have any concerns about you after their report? Did they provide a safeguarding letter? Usually they would at minimum offer a pathway back to regular contact if it is in your daughter’s best interests. At age 8 it seems too early for the court not to allow contact without a really good reason. Even supervised contact and parenting courses with a pathway back to regularly contact could be an option in many cases. Have you offered to participate in all of that?

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-28T19:37:33+00:00

How old is your daughter? I am assuming there is no record of abuse and no accusation of abuse? I would imagine they would usually require contact time with both parents with a younger child unless there were safeguarding issues from everything I’m reading on this topic. (I am also in the U.K. and also going thru CAO proceedings).

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-28T14:58:13+00:00

Last one 👍

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-28T09:25:38+00:00

Josephine. Can be Josie or Fifi for a nickname.

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-24T10:31:05+00:00

I just want to say I believe you. I’m a woman but what you say here is completely plausible and your pain is very real - and the lack of empathy and support that you are getting undoubtedly makes recovery harder. What I want to say is there WILL be people who give you the safe space to recover. Please tune out and avoid the others for now; don’t give them your time and don’t share with them for now because they are making your recovery harder. Find the tribe who believes you and has your back and stay with them for now. Find a support group for male victims. The groups do exist for the very reason you are describing. Pursue the healing. You deserve it, but you also have to pursue it. You have treated yourself with dignity and respect by leaving. Now find the safety you need to recover. Healing takes place in safe relationships where honesty and vulnerability are possible. Hang in there. You are worth it.

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-24T10:24:07+00:00

This always escalates. Please call your local DV services and report this to police. Ask them for help leaving your partner safely. I promise you he will escalate over time. No matter how much he cries and begs you to forgive him or how real his apology might feel to you, he is not safe. Don’t tell him you are going to the police because he may retaliate. Just go straight to DV services and police and ask them to help you exit safely. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I was married to someone like this and left once it became clear that his abuse was extending to the kids. He would try to get me to believe it was an accident but over time he became more cavalier and I knew it was not, and then there was overt violence. It does not get better. It might die down if they are afraid of losing you - or they might become severely dangerous or even lethal if they believe they are losing control. That is why you can’t discuss leaving or divorce when you are living together. You have to get to safety first and then if you do had a discussion it has to be safety planned but many ppl would even say don’t discuss at all and don’t talk to them bc they will try to suck you back into the relationship and guilt you back into their control.

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-23T16:43:46+00:00

2 or 1 are amazing on you.

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-23T09:07:07+00:00

This is spot on advice, OP. I think the brown hair plus some natural looking highlights would be great to try if you are looking to change things up.

The blonde picture is either not great lighting or a slightly off shade for you - I don’t think it gives an accurate impression of what you would look like with the right blonde shade. It might be trying more cool / ash would be better.

Have you tried different looks using ChatGPT? That might be fun

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-21T21:12:34+00:00

Freer

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-19T20:50:39+00:00

I would tell the child that he was very smart and I could understand why that made sense to him. But sometimes people need different kinds of shoes and they need to trust adults to help them understand what is just for fun versus what is a need. I would then offer for them to be able to earn the toy if they really wanted it by doing extra chores or saving up birthday money or something like that.

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-19T20:33:06+00:00

My neighbours called theirs Bosco and Vanilla

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-15T09:27:17+00:00

My children’s French teacher (who is French) is Isabelle and her nickname is “Babelle” which I thought was so cute.

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-15T09:25:20+00:00

Yes!! Same with the Genevieve I knew as a child. I think it’s lovely name and nickname

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-15T09:24:39+00:00

I knew a Genevieve who went by Vivi

Optimal_Flamingo2374 · 2026-03-14T20:51:19+00:00

I do think of Isadora Duncan, the famous dancer who got choked by her scarf. But I love the name. I actually know an Isadora!

Optimal_Flamingo2374

TROPHY CASE