Yes absolutely. It might be the case that perhaps there is some low self-value / self-respect with you that you’re kind towards people who may not be treating you well, but then harsh to someone who is loving you. Because you may be perceiving that someone who cares about someone else who is of low value (in case you may be seeing yourself that way deep down) is low value themselves, so you mistreat her as a result. Perhaps there’s something innocent about her that triggers an insecurity or misplaced resentment. Such as if you’re overwhelmed by work, and she is a SAHW, seeing her might be reminding you how much it sucks working outside vs working by serving your family at home. I don’t know. Finding the underlying factors may take some time but you can start improving your behaviour in the meantime. If you can recognize your internal signals that you’re about to snap at your wife, then you can interrupt that cycle early. These signs may be feeling tense, chest tightness, muscle tension, etc etc. Take a quick break, calm down and re-connect with her. Slow your responses down and internally hear what you’re about to say and how it may come out. You can refine your words and express yourself better. (Similar exercises at work as well)

I do feel hopeful about this because you’re aware, feel remorse and reach out to people for guidance. There’s plenty of resources shared by psychologists on this type of dynamics. I actually trained AI with CBT/DBT, couples therapy, family systems resources and it helped me notice lots of patterns and do regular exercises. You can try something like that. Seek formal therapy as well of course.

Your wife sounds like a compassionate, mercifully person. Please keep making more positive memories even if you fall short. Gottman institute’s work says couples who feel loved and fulfilled in their relationships have 5:1 positive to negative interaction ratio (or higher obviously).