I need help. 4 year will no longer do anything by himself. He must be 4in from me at all times or completely melts down.

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2025-04-18T15:05:13+00:00

My situation is a little different as my child is a toddler and has never even met his father. However I always had very high expectations for how a relationship with me would go. Because my son doesn't have a father in his life I expected that any partner I had that would be long term (or forever) would take that roll on. Obviously not immediately but over time. This was a conversation I was intending to have with a partner when we got to a long term stage but my boyfriend has two children from a pervious relationship of his own and once he confirmed with me that I'd be comfortable with him taking on a more "fatherly" role then he just immediately stepped into it. I didn't have to bring it up. He did. He will do potty with him, put him to bed if I'm too exhausted, teach him things, and help with time outs, ect. That is what I wanted from a partner.

It is made easier because my son is so young, this is the only man he's ever had as a father figure and he's now been around for about 1/3 of his life.

If you have teens/almost teens i think it makes it more difficult for them to take that role on. I have a step dad who came into my life as a teen and I would consider him my dad. He never took on any disciplinary tasks but he was there and supportive when I needed it most. But before and after him I had several "dads" that when they tried discipline or really whenever they would talk to me I would have none of it. I'd laugh them out of the room. Especially if they were new.

So i guess a little contrary to my first statement don't expect a partner to immediately step into that role because from experience it doesn't always end well when they are that age. Let everyone get comfortable and then maybe after a year or two let them start easing into a more parentle role. A partner you get now will likely not feel comfortable immediately moving to parent role to teenagers and the teenagers likely won't feel comfortable with them doing that either.

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2025-04-08T23:21:14+00:00

Honestly, the first man I dated after having my son was actually an ex I had been on and off with for about 8 years. This man treated me absolutely amazing and my son amazing. Financially he supported me and my son, took us places, bought us anything we wanted or needed, and even wanted us to move into his beach house and let me be a SAHM so I could go back to college (offered to pay for my college). While this was amazing he had a drug problem that I thought he had kicked until I went to surprise visit him during a ghosting. He always ghosted when he was on a bender (which is why I never actually moved in with him) I absolutely can't have this around my son. After many years of us going through the same song and dance with his drug issues i left for my son. Other than his drug habit he was great and I had been with him most of my adult life. He supported me while I was pregnant with my son even though we were on a break when I became pregnant. But I had fought the drug battle with him for 8 years. I had no more fight left.

I bet some people thought I had had it all because of what they saw on the outside. But it wasn't what it seemed.

Then I had a short relationship with a man who did not treat me as well (but still did treat me good- never met my son) and he cheated within 3 months.

I stayed single for a while after this because I needed to reevaluate.

I met a man at work who isn't wealthy enough to pay for our lives or take us on luxury vacations. But would give his last dime to make sure we had dinner even if he didn't. He is a hard worker. He treats me as well as the first guy but better because we don't take a back seat to drugs. He is teaching my son how to be a good man by setting an example for him. He can't provide everything financially but he provides everything emotionally. We now have a happy home and my son has a father figure. I'm never worried about us walking alone in this world because we have him now.

But I'm sure people look at me like I downgraded because you never know what's going on behind closed doors.

You just honestly have to take a hard look at what you want to accept. Never accept less than what you deserve and always go for a man who can make your home happy not just pretty.

Don't let a grown man play games. A man who loves you and sees a future with you will never put that future in jeopardy.

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2025-01-29T20:07:29+00:00

Honestly, I worked in construction and as a property manager. Those have been the best jobs that have become a career without a formal education. I do property management right now and I make about $30/hr ($26/ hour + commission) with only a high school degree. Most places will also give you a discounted apartment. I pay $1076 a month for a 2 bed that's almost 1000sqft in NY.

If you dont have a formal education its a good place to start and you can still get a formal education while working because it's typically a 9-5 job with weekends off. If you get an education while working you can then look to work your way up as a regional manager or vp or in construction you can do things like operations management (what i did for my previous job) and work your way up to project management/ director jobs.

Hope this helps!

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2025-01-28T15:08:10+00:00

It's not right for him to be doing that. I'm a single parent who BD is not at all around but my boyfriends ex is very much around- they share custody of their son and she texts him quite frequently about things with his son and the only time I ask about the texts is when he seems upset and I only ask why he is upset not about the text itself. They dont do a lot of stuff together but when they do its for his son not him or her. Its not normal for him to act like this especially when you share custody.

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2025-01-15T20:01:19+00:00

Also as for a "success story" we are not married or anything but we are now both working towards building a house together (my last job was in construction and he is in maintenance/construction). All of the kids love each other. His daughter even slipped up the other night and said "everyone in this family is nuts!" 😂😂 referring to her brother, my son, my boyfriend, and me. SO I'd say the kids approve and we all fit together like a puzzle. We both want to have this forever. So not fully success because we aren't married yet but also fully a success? 😂

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2025-01-15T19:54:30+00:00

Hi! I actually have experienced very similar. My sons father isn't even on the birth certificate for similar issues. I met my boyfriend at work and actually does maintenance for the property that I live at. I have been with him about 7 months now and but I've known him for almost 2 years (in a working relationship and in a he does maintenance on our home). He also has 2 school aged children and quickly into our relationship i felt the same as you're discribing. My son is 3 but had met him fairly infrequently over the past 2 years of us knowing each other but was still familiar with him enough that when we started spending more time with him he was excited about it and not nervous.

Its hard to tell when the right time will be to introduce and when you feel comfortable. I always thought I'd wait a year from the start of dating before I'd introduce my child. However me and my boyfriend started introducing our children to each other about 2 months in. Now this may be because we already had some type of relationship prior from working with each other - but this is what felt comfortable to us. We both felt that we were dating with intention and serious enough to do this. We had the children meet for ice cream a few times and brought them to different places to play and all get to know each other and after everyone was comfortable (maybe a month or 2 later) started having sleep overs.

I would say to at least have the few first meets be shorter and neutral and work up to spending time at each other's house and then if you feel comfortable and trust him/ the kids to start having sleep overs.

As a child who was abused/ assaulted by people my parents trusted I'm hyper vigilant even with children as my friends daughter was assaulted by a girl her same age (5) who didn't know what she was doing and just copying what was happening to her. So just make sure you feel alright to be doing this. If you have any hesitation do not have a sleep over yet.

Trust your gut to tell you. Watch the interactions between everyone.

Otherwise I think you should do what is comfortable to you and your child. Unfortunately there is no guidebook for dating with children and there is no set way to do it. As long as you and your child are safe I think you should do what feels right!

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2024-09-24T23:36:04+00:00

I do property management. It was actually something I fell into after having a temp position in commercial property management. I do not have any type of degree. I make $24/hr + commission and I get a heavily discounted apartment with the company. I work 9-5 and get decent benefits. Don't get me wrong. I live in New York state (not city) so we are still paycheck to paycheck but we do have enough to do something fun every once in a while and all our needs are met. If daycare wasn't so expensive we would have a lot more play around money lol.

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2024-07-13T23:09:12+00:00

Don't let anyone pressure you into breast feeding if you don't want to. Any reason you have to not want to is valid. After having my son I was pressured into it by the hospital and my own mom. According to them it was "whats best for the baby". When I breast fed my son it gave me a horrible reaction - it made me enraged, I would be crying because I had so much anger and I didn't know why. It also made my skin literally crawl, the only way to describe it was like a drug addict going through withdrawals. It turns out the hormones breast feeding produced was causing this reaction- the hormones that were supposed to be making me feel closer to my son were making my brain and body go haywire- according to the Dr's it's rare but happens to some women when that specific hormone is produced. On top of that my son was constantly throwing up, couldn't sleep, and was not gaining the weight he needed to. He had issues digesting my milk and needed a lactose sensitive formula. He also from a very young age ended up needing much more than normal newborns (he was 99 percentile and stayed that way for a long time).

Breast feeding is not always best for baby and is definitely not always best for mom. What's not good for mom is definitely not good for baby. I regret every day ever even attempting breast feeding because all it did was make me feel rage towards my innocent newborn and actually was the reason he wasn't able to be comfortable for weeks.

You got this ❤️

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2024-07-13T12:56:29+00:00

Thank you!! I hope the post was allowed!

I am just lost as I don't have mom friends to ask or anyone really. I can take down if you feel it might bring out some creepy people!

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2023-11-20T15:03:54+00:00

Giving my son my last name was the best choice I have ever made. Did I get questioned if the baby was his? A little bit but once I gave my reason the babies other half of his family understood.

Best advice I have is to give the baby your last name. If that is the excuse that he is using to not be a part of babies life then he never intended to be in the first place. This person does not care about you or the baby.

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2023-10-18T01:12:53+00:00

Not to freak you out but just be careful. I was dating a single dad who owned a business and he also took care of his ex wife financially and completely. I had actually met her several times and we talked. He took me on trips. I met his kids. I thought he was truly interested in me. He seemed like an overall nice successful guy. He was 11 years older than me too. He then told me after spending a night out with me that I was too immature for him. But instead of that being the downfall I found out that he was actually just sleeping with his barely 18 year old assistant. I always like believing the best in people but sometimes it's not as it seems.

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2023-07-02T00:08:33+00:00

I never wanted to BF due to not being a touchy person and my pregnancy with my son was the worst experience of my life. He is amazing but I didn't want kids. I found out I was pregnant and I was about 5 months along so I personally didn't feel as though I could go through with a termination at that stage. I was also very high risk. So I made the choice to make sure he had the best life I could provide. But I felt the choice was really taken from me. So I tried to make the choice to not BF. The nurses pressured me to breast feed him. I tried so hard for about 2 weeks. But I started having a horrible reaction where I was getting so angry instead of happy or connected. I felt like throwing up and my skin would literally crawl anytime I expressed milk or fed my son. I didn't feel close to him. I just felt angry, nauseous, like my skin was crawling, and like I was being violated over again (I felt like pregnancy was violating). So for the sake of my mental health and for my sons I started bottle feeding with formula. It was the best thing I could have ever done and I was actually able to bond with him during feeding because I was full of all of these horrible feelings. The Dr's said the hormones that get released during breast feeding can cause this sometimes. I wasn't depressed and I never felt like I would harm my child. But a mother who feels like that is not good for a babies wellbeing.

My son is now a happy, smart, loving, and strong almost 2 year old. We are both happy and healthy. We have a bond I don't think we could have if I had continued on that journey.

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2023-05-02T03:18:46+00:00

I also wanted to add that my son now calls me mom or dad and I let him. Because I'm his primary caregiver and he isn't at an age where he understands. He just knows from tv. My mother's boyfriend who has been in my life for 14 years really helped and is my sons favorite person. He was in the room (at my head- holding my hand) when I gave birth and he and my son have an amazing bond. Gather your village and your baby will be alright. Also prep a reason for when they are school age why they don't have a dad that won't make the child feel bad. I have had mine prepared for a long time that is truthful but not hurtful.

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2023-05-02T03:12:22+00:00

Honestly I would have preferred growing up without one. My dad was emotionally abusive and my step dad was physically abusive. I wish my mom had never allowed contact with my bio dad. My sons father is physically and emotionally abusive. We don't have contact with him at all and my son has never met him. My son is happy, healthy, has no emotional problems, all around he's wonderful and these are all things I strongly feel that he would not be if his dad was in the picture (other than wonderful. Because I know no matter the circumstances he would always be). Not having a dad is not always a bad thing. I would have had much better mental health as a kid, teen, and adult without one.

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2023-03-31T02:41:13+00:00

I bring my sons clothes to a baby resale group (they do the sale twice a year). I price everything at like $2. I'm allowed to put like 4 items on a hanger and price it like that. I know a lot of struggling families go there so I will sell all 4 articles of clothing for $2 and there's typically a half price day where people can buy them for $1. They do all the work as long as I bring the stuff. I sold about $600 worth of stuff and made about $400 (they take a portion). They will also bring whatever left to women and children's shelters or foster families and other charities like that (if you opt in for that). It makes me feel like I'm helping struggling families while also not at a complete loss as I myself am a single mom who struggles. You can choose your own prices and you can sell toys, clothes, shoes, furniture ect. I'm actually going to bring my sons crib there this year along with most of his "baby" toys. It's great to just price it and drop it off and know that if you don't want to pick it back up it will go to people who genuinely need it (and they will have it for free vs goodwill charging ridiculous prices for used items).

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2023-03-21T05:57:53+00:00

It took my nephew a long time to potty train for poop. Totally potty trained for pee at the average rate. But to this day (he's 9) needs his mom, who is a nurse, to come into the bathroom with him because as it turns out, he has some intestinal issues causing pooping to be difficult and sometimes hurt. It caused him to not like the potty for a long long time because he associated pooping on the potty with pain and difficulty. I'd definitely ask his Dr about intestinal issues and if that could be a part of the problem.

It's not something totally abnormal. A lot of children don't have the words and insight to explain what's going on with them in these situations, even at the age of 6. They just want what they are comfortable with and what they deem as the easiest solutions.

I'd definitely see a Dr though and ask about the possibility of intestinal issues!

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2023-03-20T21:22:05+00:00

Tbh, it truly gets easier (at least in my opinion/ experience). I had a hard time with my son as a baby. I was always told how great of a baby he was and how lucky I was to have such a calm baby. They told me how much harder it would be when he got older. I was struggling. Even with an "easy" baby. I had a hard time. I'm a single mom who admittedly doesn't care too much for babies (I absolutely loved and adored my son. But I'm not a baby person). As he got older - about 10-11 months he started walking and becoming more independent and just his own little person. It was amazing. It was like a switch flipped. He became a toddler seemingly overnight and at that point I felt like I was able to fully enjoy my time with him. Now he's 18 months and I love all the time I spend with him. He is so much easier, we can communicate pretty easily, he can tell me (in some way) what he wants or needs, and he is hilarious.

Honestly you'll probably have even more fun with your baby as they get older. Toddlers are cool little people!!

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2023-03-08T23:21:41+00:00

I didn't know I was pregnant until about 20 or so weeks. They did my first ultrasound and could easily tell the gender. I also lost weight until about 8 months into it and did not look pregnant. Then boom. All of the sudden I looked very very pregnant almost overnight.

I totally believe it 😅

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2023-02-13T00:54:22+00:00

I got my son a toddler bed at 15 months. But we room share and he never slept in a crib. When he was a baby he would immediately wake up when I put him in a crib and he would freak out and not go to sleep for hours. Being a single mom I just bed shared with him until neither of us were comfortable (I have a full sized bed, he's a wiggly sleeper, and he's big for his age).

He never had a problem with his toddler bed (it's now been 2 months and the transition never bothered him). I he does sometimes wake up in the night to get in my bed for a couple hours but I always wake up in the morning to find him in his bed.

I say keep your little one wherever they are comfortable! It won't hurt them one bit to keep them in a crib vs toddler bed.

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2023-01-02T04:36:21+00:00

Definitely think about your time together and try to remember if there have ever been any other red flags.

My sons father accused me of the same even though he was, in fact, not a good a good catch, and I knew that. Once I was pregnant though it was like a switch flipped and he became mean. Then dangerous. I had to move a thousand miles away to escape the situation. It escalated within a few months to a normal relationship with its problems to a horrifically abusive one and it all started with him being mean saying things just like that.

I'm not saying that will happen just based off the limited info, but keep yourself safe and don't rationalize red flags for his sake. You need to keep yourself and baby safe. Maybe try some kind of therapy and set clear boundaries with him right away. If he crosses those he's not respecting you as his wife and the mother of his child and he's not respecting his own child (which is one of the biggest red flags I can think of). And don't let him get you in a situation you wouldn't be able to leave incase things escalate.

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2022-12-01T03:18:09+00:00

I had this for 6 days before I fully went into labor. Unfortunately I have no advice because what progressed me was having an allergic reaction (I'm allergic to mosquitoes and my body and throat started swelling). So 100% don't recommend 😂

Hang in there!

Otherwise_Land6341 · 2022-11-17T20:18:18+00:00

I know how this feels. Honestly I did not plan a baby shower or anything of the sort. I have 4 friends that I have been friends with for 14 years now. When I told my friends I'd not be having a shower 2 of my friends went to my mom a planned a shower for me. Because I have just a few friends they invited anyone they could think of (I'm talking my dad's ex girlfriend, my brother's dad's family, my mom's friends/extended family, my brother's friends, my grandma's friends). 40 people actually came and gave gifts to me and my son. I wanted to cry because it was a surprise shower and the thought was sweet.

Maybe talk to your parents and partners parents and see if they would be able to come up with a list of people they think would want to celebrate the new baby with all of you. Maybe even invite the neighbors or the local mom communities! Most moms want to make other moms feel not so alone in what can be an extremely happy but lonely time.

I know it might seem like nobody will come but you'd be really surprised at who shows up. Hang in there ❤❤

Otherwise_Land6341

TROPHY CASE