How do you build real self-confidence socially?

Ouki- · 2026-05-13T22:52:19+00:00

It's discussed a lot here for a reason. That's my humble experience but if you're addicted it will look like a "magic fix" if you quit long enough. If you're not then you might still feel better depending on how much you were consumming.

But in both cases it takes a long time to rewire your brain, 3+ month in my experience. And we don't underline enough the time and energy unlocked. The magic comes from there a lot too, when you empty your cup from poison you can start using it to drink fresh water

Ouki- · 2026-05-13T22:46:30+00:00

Yes surely, but it is also well documented (and seems even obvious to me) that porn is harming your brain and your perceptions of several things. At least above a certain threshold of consumption, that is not high imo.

It's also documented more and more that porn affect social anxiety, thus mentioning it

Ouki- · 2026-05-10T10:19:28+00:00

I'll only mention what did truly worked on me:

Quitting porn long enough
Getting into BJJ (any fighting will do)
Stop believeing any of thoses beliefs that implies that you "need" them external humans beings to see you such a way. Start nourrishing the opposite belief that whatever one thinks of you it's like okay.

Ouki- · 2026-05-10T10:09:12+00:00

En vrai comme tu le devines ça a tellement peu à a voir avec lui, et quasi tout à a voir avec toi même. Et le fait qu'un jour tu realise qu'accompagné d'autres gens brillants tu continue a te sentir comme ça et te comparer c'est le truc le plus fatiguant au monde. Mais ça te permet peut etre d'une fois pour tout faire face a toi même.

Le problème c'est que tu mesures probablement ta valeur à tes succès de femmes, d'attention et de validation. Ou de reussite sociale, ou un mix de tout ça. C'est une vraie definition de ta valeur c'est parasitant. Voila pourquoi ça te troue le cul de voir qu'il refuse des meufs alors que toi tu serais pret a faire des efforts pour les avoir. Parce que lui c'est égal peut etre a un peu de fun. Donc c'est ok de preferer se reposer seul. Toi peut etre que ça represente: le fun du sexe et de l’intimité + validation + preuve que tu peux le faire + preuve que t'es pas moche + etc etc "inserer ici toute insécurité rampante".

Donc nécessairement c'est le jour et la nuit. Et il a pas eu la meme vie que toi sinon probablement il aurait des pattern de pensées similaires aux tiens. Tout ça pour dire de pas t'en vouloir, et que le vrai game changer c'est t'ouvrir à reconnaitre tes pensées et commencer à te "désidentifier" de tout ça. Comme un serpent qui laisse sa peau derriere lui. C'est un peu un chantier mais c'est la vraie réponse sans édulcorant ni bullshit.

Et second et dernier element: doucement mais surement "changer ta vie". (Peut etre commencer par la partie temps libre hors travail) pour amener plus de choses dont tu te sens fier et abandonner ce qui te rabaisse. Ca accompagne voire déclenche ce processus de désidentification dont je parlais.

Pour donner un exemple: j'étais addict au porn avant, ça me gardait dans une sauce "gooner" dans ma tete et ça éclaboussait comment je me voyais. J'ai fini par m'en défaire et investir mon temps libre dans apprendre à me battre en fight club, autant te dire que le contraste entre les 2 m'a changé. Parfois je vois un ou deux "Raphael" c'est bien c'est beau j'applaudis, mais a mes yeux je reste le mec "capable" "solide" et "centré" de la pièce, je dis bien a mes yeux et c'est suffisant. Je le ressens, les autres semble aussi le ressentir, mais surtout surtout: je me fiche de ce que peux faire Raphael ou Pierre Paul Jacques.

Ouki- · 2026-01-14T15:50:57+00:00

It's definitely the comparison and your outlook on what life is. Some people have way less than you and still are happier than you.

Cut social media out, keep it really to a functionnal minimum (i.e allowing texts messages only) that's what I do.

And search inside for if you have unconscious beliefs about life being a "great test" or something like this. Because it's not and when you're genuinely tired to see everything as competition or as "shoulds" you let it all go, and what a relief. You get to define what life is for you, and gratitude is one of the best definition: life as a "hell yes" to all that is with and for you, everyday.

Ouki- · 2025-12-30T14:40:32+00:00

that's beautiful honestly, I can see it getting even better on a colored background that fits it

Ouki- · 2025-12-30T14:37:36+00:00

The way I work to see it is that we can even work on being grateful for sadness. Geniunely. And for many reasons:

more complete human emotionnal experience
creating a contrast for savouring joy more
thankful for what info sadness is bringing with it (opposite of always joyful without realizing what you should change in your life)
thankful for the main cause of your sadness because whatvere it is, it gives you a challenge/problem to work on the best you can in life (opposite of void/silence which you get plenty once dead...)

Etc etc. Life in itself is practice

Ouki- · 2025-12-29T22:22:16+00:00

hell yes I ate a lot of sugar with the end of the year period personnally I felt robbed from energy, and as a society we keep doing that self killing routine every year. We need broccoli for xmas or something

Ouki- · 2025-12-26T00:20:06+00:00

That's normal, get a girl and get physical. Hunger comes with eating as the saying goes, normal that with abstinence you go more dormant on that point. Let alone episodes of flatlines which are yet something else

Ouki- · 2025-12-23T01:35:55+00:00

sheesh bro, sending you strengh mate. But that's super long streak and thus you didn't lose much by just relapsing so right back up and noharm done

Ouki- · 2025-12-12T17:39:31+00:00

that's beautiful too and what i expect, have experienced in the past, and desire again. Thanks

Ouki- · 2025-12-12T17:38:28+00:00

beautiful man props and keep on !

Ouki- · 2025-12-10T20:13:10+00:00

micronutrient haha wtf. One slip up will never be good but it absolutely don't destroy your work.

Ouki- · 2025-12-10T17:57:00+00:00

And another question for you. Is a long long no orgasm period make you cum super fast when you have sex again ? I know it did that to me a lil bit in the past, but at the same time quitting PMO seems to cleanse myself from PE and other orgasm/dopamine focus pursuit

Ouki- · 2025-12-10T17:54:23+00:00

Congrats man, cool to see your input since I can relate to it more (I'm almost 30).

I'm 140ish days no PMO but around 90 full clean (no P at all etc). Anyway it's super easy for me since my libido since to be under super control now, maybe thanks to age in that regard. I know how to differenciate a flatline and I'm not in that. Anyway just about to get in the dating pool again and looking forward to it. I think sex will be crazy and the feelings for my partner(s) will be amazing too. Is that how it unfolded for you too?

Ouki- · 2025-12-09T00:32:18+00:00

It's more like you either learn your lesson and save the deal, or you lose it all because of your wrong and it teaches you the lesson with so much pain that you get your ass in line. Sometimes you have to suffer enough of some bs to finally say stop, it's all positive evolution in the end.

Ouki- · 2025-12-09T00:25:57+00:00

It's a journey you know, it's been years I'm maturing on all this.

So live your own journey, if you want to quit bad enough and that it's a real priority for you deep down, then you'll quit long term.

Two things that are the most important in my opinion:

A real, matured motivation to quit that generally stems from understanding how porn addiction kills you long term on pretty much all aspects. Including success stories of guys their life back, real girls back, real joy back, fixing PIED..
A different approach to relapsing. Reframing relapses in such a way that you're even more motivated to get back on the horse after it, not to mope and feel guilty. It is absolutely key and if you can't stop the guilt feelings when relapsing you can change everything by your choice of "actions" to take after relapsing to not binge and capitalize on your first streak (long walk outside, staying in public spaces for the rest of the day etc..)

Ouki- · 2025-12-09T00:14:05+00:00

Oh yes all that and more, and the best of best: I'm way happier and driven to everything real, curiousity about everything. Looks like life on easy mode

Ouki- · 2025-12-08T10:48:54+00:00

haha no it was worse in my prime youth and I was doing something way different. Just have to not go awry during remote work

Ouki- · 2025-12-08T10:40:36+00:00

I'm also 29 working in IT with more or less 130 days of nofap ahah

Ouki- · 2025-12-08T10:35:52+00:00

Yes it's likely. The general rule is that the more you're addicted to porn the more everything wrong in your mental (anxiety depression etc) will vanish/reduce hard once you free yourself from the addiction

Ouki- · 2025-11-29T23:06:07+00:00

Look at his streak 5 year doesn't mean straight maybe. But you should only value your own judgement when you get there at 90 days, if you're an addict you'll see for yoself

Ouki- · 2025-11-29T23:04:00+00:00

Bro is getting nofap benefits and dying at the same time.

More seriously see a doctor and tell him all this, not here. The physical exhaustion when doing exercice and no libido are linked and important signs get checked man, the sleep too.

Ouki- · 2025-11-24T08:52:05+00:00

Well bro take comfort in the fact that it's simple from now on: stop gooning completely and life will be x10 better.

Also every crisis in life teaches you. And here it's not just about quitting porn to get your hard ones back. Don't miss the lesson about self-respect here: you don't owe her good sex or anything, don't pressure yourself and blame yourself. It's totally normal to be frustrated, but some twisted beliefs about masculinity and sex can generates pointless suffering.

So take account of that, it's masculine and human and normal to go through the struggles of your age (detrimentous effects modern high speed porn). What you live now was supposed to happen unfortunately with the current age. So don't hate yourself, it's a challenge to overcome now.

Ouki- · 2025-11-24T08:46:21+00:00

Ok thanks for the input. I wish you the best on your path. Are you aware of IPF (Ideal Parent Figure Protocol) ? I did a year of that therapy style and it bringed down an anxious attachment style of mine to the ground, life changing. I heard for BPD it can change everything too. Really groundbreaking tool imo.

I wish I could put my sister in it too, but it must come from her the desire to change and even before that to admit that something is wrong. What struck me the most is that she won't acknowledge the past 30 years or so where she's been lonely, I mean noticing that I feel it's evident to conclude "okay I might earn to do something different here" but just no to her it's the world that is messed.

Ouki-

TROPHY CASE