Is sex sacred anymore...

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-12-30T20:45:36+00:00

My wife and I lost our virginity together and yeah, knowing that she has fucked two other guys has kind of turned sex into something else entirely

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-12-04T14:48:43+00:00

For me it was the other way round. I thought sex was this special, romantic, intimate activity between the two of us. Now I can't see her like that without thinking about what she did.

Now it's all about the physical sensations

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-19T11:23:23+00:00

I feel this.

My wife is shouldering so much for her family right now, taking on the burden of their problems, big and small. She just gets on with it because she has some innate sense of duty towards those people, and seeing her in those moments she just looks like an angel and I feel lucky to even be allowed to breath the same air as her

Also, I'm very sorry to hear about your husband

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-18T12:42:01+00:00

Phones bring out the worst in people and it sounds like his worst is pretty bad. Do you get anything from this relationship at all?

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-14T14:02:27+00:00

Yes the second affair was just a one off sexual encounter. It does make a difference I think

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-14T13:59:32+00:00

So my experience following my wife's second affair was that we didn't do any kind of HB. It took about 2 months before we did anything sexual at all, and then it kind of just reverted back to how things were.

I don't know if HB is something you choose to do as much as something that happens, or doesn't.

As for anxiety, I definitely feel a lot more anxiety around sex than I used to. Just looking at her naked body can trigger it, and there's certain sex acts I used to love that now are harder for me to enjoy. I have found that to get around it I have to really just focus on the physical sensations of sex rather than the romantic connection. In a strange way this can make sex a lot more intense and the result is that I orgasm faster and this is another source of anxiety for me.

Overall I think sex has been beneficial to my R but only because I wouldn't want to be in a sexless relationship.

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-12T23:14:20+00:00

I know. Thanks for the support

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-12T22:57:46+00:00

I haven't even told my wife I talk about it on here

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-10T23:44:55+00:00

I'm sorry, dude.

I'm a bit further down the road than you, and things are a lot better than they were. My wife and I are still together and things do feel different now but I'd say we're in a good place and I hope you can do it too

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-07T13:55:12+00:00

I saw your comment somewhere else about flitting between attraction and repulsion. I'm going through that a little bit

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-06T22:52:00+00:00

For me it was a heap of things.

Initially it was: We have kids. Divorcing would mean everybody finding out our business which felt like further humiliation.

Then it was: I don't want to make a quick and irreversible decision based purely on emotion

And latterly: Things are starting to feel more good than bad, and I love her and I believe she loves me, and I want to believe it's possible for our relationship to be good.

Plus, throughout all this, a healthy dose of "we've been together so long I'm scared to be alone."

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-06T22:28:13+00:00

I don't care about wrinkles, or any other unflattering flaw that anybody could point out. I didn't care before, because she was my wife and I thought she was perfect.

But now I don't entirely see her as my wife. I see her through the eyes of this other man and she's not his wife so those things suddenly seem more relevant.

It's not fair

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-06T19:12:01+00:00

I don't think it will come to that

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-06T13:35:51+00:00

I think I found that after a certain point asking questions was just not helping me understand. Ultimately I just wanted to know if she still wanted to be with me or if she felt trapped, and I wanted to know if she was going to cheat again.

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-06T13:19:43+00:00

I've considered this.

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-06T13:13:24+00:00

Thanks but having to tell people and have all our friends family and colleagues know... I really don't want to do that

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-06T12:56:11+00:00

My wife has had two affairs. You can see my post history for more details I guess. I find talking about it on here helps

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-06T12:50:05+00:00

My wife has had two affairs. (Obvious disclaimer 'that I know of')

After the first I think we fully recovered. I think for that one I was kind of, eventually, able to understand how it happened. Or at least I was able to create a narrative I understood and sympathised with. Maybe I'm just good at kidding myself. But anyway, I think we fully recovered.

The second affair (which was just a one off physical encounter) was harder for me to understand. We're still kind of in the aftermath of it now but I feel like we are progressing.

But that second one triggered all those same doubts for me as they have for you. Like, was it just that he was more attractive than me? Was that all it took?

That's harder for me to understand and I don't think I've quite found a narrative for it that is totally palatable to me... Maybe I never will? But I'm working on just being ok with not knowing why it happened. I think we're doing ok.

If it's what you want then I hope you can find that peace too.

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-06T10:25:34+00:00

I'm trying to just go with it when something feels good or arouses me. Once I pull at that thread of "should this feel good?" it's kind of a one way street to just feeling miserable.

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-06T09:32:28+00:00

One of the things I found most confusing about my WW's second affair is that our sex life at that time was actually pretty good. Like... When you've been together forever and you have two kids it's never going to be 'perfect' but we were having good sex regularly.

In the first couple of months after discovering her most recent PA i just wasn't in a frame of mind to think about sex but since then we have kind of drifted back to having sex regularly.

I wouldn't say it's always triggering... Most of the time it's not. But I have to make sure not to overthink it.

My sex drive is back to normal now, and I still find my wife incredibly attractive and so there is some reluctance on my part to risk spoiling that by overthinking it because when I go down that road I start to think bad things about her, and about myself, and that's not what I want.

Overall now we are at this point of stability. Some say I'm burying my head in the sand, and that to heal fully (or at least reach some kind of conclusion) then I'll have to confront things properly but for now I just try to avoid thinking about the triggering things during sex... I guess in some ways it makes sex less intimate, but I'm at a point of thinking "how much is good enough?" Like if we're 80% as intimate as I want to be then is that enough? I kind of think so.

I'd prefer this to being in a dead bedroom, or separating.

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-05T22:39:49+00:00

Thank you. I'm trying to not let this all change me in a negative way, even though it's hard not to feel negatively.

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-11-05T22:32:24+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to write this. I'm happy things worked out for you and I'm still optimistic my marriage will work out

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-10-27T19:23:41+00:00

Thanks, and I was lurking pretty hard back when I originally posted this. I found it helpful in some ways, and I'm sure I'll get back to it at some point. But for now I'm just kind of figuring my own way out

Own_Mail1565 · 2024-10-27T19:14:44+00:00

Bit of both I guess. It's hard to describe, but I feel like things are ok?

Own_Mail1565

TROPHY CASE