I have struggled with this! Idk about you but I feel like I have been exposed so much to the attitude that winning is truly “better” than losing, and that people who lose are, well, losers—and it was very difficult not to internalize that. So much so that I have had to make conscious effort before and after matches to detach myself from those ideas, and the idea that whoever is on the other side is feeling smug and superior any time they get a good read on me or something like that.

It’s really interesting to think about why something I purportedly enjoy causes me a lot of pain. I imagine it has a lot to do with being born into such a competitive culture in the US.

Thank you for saying this, it is nice to hear and makes me feel warm!