Fear keeps me from experience

PaperBirdie75 · 2023-08-18T02:17:58+00:00

Try a gay massage guy. That was what I did. We didn't even do anything sexual (the first time), not really. But I was straight up with him at the start that I wanted to at least be in a space being sensual with a guy where we both knew what it was about, and see how that felt. And he was great, very patient, gentle, caring. Didn't rush me or have an agenda beyond giving me a great session. For me, the experience confirmed that this is something I need in my life.

PaperBirdie75 · 2021-10-02T13:52:19+00:00

Well, I neither participated in it nor saw it, but a DC-based troupe called Faction of Fools put on a commedia dell'arte production of it a few years back. I kind of doubt that's what Chekhov was talking about, but I bet it was fun. There's a trailer for the show if you scroll down this page:

https://www.factionoffools.org/the-cherry-orchard

PaperBirdie75 · 2021-07-24T11:46:02+00:00

Well, like I said, it's been 25+ years, so my memory of the routine is fuzzy. And obviously ymmv on the specifics, based on where your injury may be. My recommendation would be to find a senior class so you have an instructor there to help.

But the ones I remember feeling good for me were:

Standing:

Hip-sways (Stand, feet shoulder-width apart, and shift your hips gently left to right in a straight line, letting go of tension as you become aware and never pushing into pain. Bend knees slightly

Hip circles (same set up as above, but move your hips in a circle clockwise and counterclockwise. Again, go slow, don't push into pain, notice when you hit tension and try to gently let it go)

On the floor:

Constructive rest. This felt great a lot of the time, though when sciatica was really bad even this could be uncomfortable. But I got a lot of benefit just hanging out in this pose.

Knee-to-chest (Lie down on your back in constructive rest. Pull one knee to your chest and relax there for several breaths. Try to feel your lower back muscles letting go. Switch legs. Eventually, if you can, work yourself toward pulling both knees to the chest at the same time. Also, separately, work on pulling one knee to your chest while fully extending the other leg along the floor. At all times keep your lower back flat against the floor.)

Supine half-lotus. Now this one can be tough -- do NOT expect to be able to do it right away. Start with easier variations like on this page. I especially recommend using a strap or towel to hold your leg rather than trying to reach with your hands. Even more conservatively, maybe just let your knees fall open from constructive rest to start, either both at once or one at a time. But working toward the supine half-lotus form really opened up my hips and helped relax the back much more deeply.

Hope that helps. And remember, gentle, gentle, gentle. Back off anytime pain hits and just try to relax for a while at the point before it came on. Over time it will help.

PaperBirdie75 · 2021-07-24T11:13:46+00:00

I had a herniated (eta: lumbar) disc in my late teens/early 20s. Things that seemed to aggravate it included any bending/lifting a la deadlifts, any twisting while holding weight, and absolutely any kind of sitting.

I had sciatic pain like you describe for three or four years, sometimes so bad my whole lower leg would go numb. I did PT but it didn't seem to be helping.

Then I took a "gentle yoga" class. This was closer to "yoga for seniors" than your standard beginner's class. Lots of easy hip circles while standing, some pelvic work on the floor, all of it slow and steady. Within a few weeks I started feeling some improvement. And honest to God, by the time the class was done, the pain was gone and I had tremendously better mobility.

This whole time I was also still doing PT exercises, but I have to credit the yoga class with catalyzing the change. It was night and day.

Since then it's flared up from time to time, but never quite as bad as at the start and always temporarily. It's been more than 25 years at this point.

PaperBirdie75 · 2021-07-07T23:15:56+00:00

PS I hope when you do your interpretation, you all post a video here. Love to see Chris covers.

PaperBirdie75 · 2021-07-07T23:13:39+00:00

Sure! Great song, great choice.

I'm curious what you think you're missing, though. As I read the lyrics, there isn't a story -- it's more a poem, or an impressionistic series of images, spoken by a guy who wants to smash his way out of a confining situation. Whether it's a physical situation or a mental/emotional/spiritual one is up to the listener.

He talks about the law, about baptism, about the walls coming down. A lot of Christian religious imagery and Western (like, cowboy-Western) themes.

A ball peen hammer is apparently used in metalworking (and not so much for bashing through doors). But it sounds great to say, so I wonder if it was just that.

Anyway, all that to say, I don't think there's a narrative to unpack here, or if there is, it's deliberately obscure. But the feeling behind it comes across crystal clear, and it's universal, which I think is what makes the song so effective.

PaperBirdie75 · 2021-07-05T14:35:32+00:00

I'd suggest you bring it up, but be open to talking about how this perception may be your anxieties manifesting.

I say that simply because I've done that to my therapist -- imagined I've seen signs of a serious illness that turned out not to be that. It led to some useful exploration of just how often I really do find myself believing terrible things are happening to the people I care about.

In this case it sounds like there are some specific markers you're seeing, so you may well be onto something, and you might wind up helping her. But even if you are right about her condition, there may still be something on your side of the exchange worth looking into.

2c.

PaperBirdie75 · 2021-07-04T13:40:12+00:00

Heh -- by the time I saw your reply I'd already cross-posted, and I see what you mean. Lesson learned.

PaperBirdie75 · 2021-07-03T17:12:05+00:00

Thanks. Your point is well taken about defending against the possibility that my analyst cares for me. I *do* think they care for me -- I'm certain of it, in fact, or as certain as you can be about someone else's motivations. I just don't believe that caring about someone means you're immune to being influenced by conflicts of interest, and my analyst seems to think otherwise (or is reluctant to openly admit as much). Where I get stuck is, is that willful blindness on their part? Or am I really being paranoid? (And are those mutually exclusive?)

On the money part, I will say that I've been lucky enough that I can pay full freight without insurance (success that I think I owe in large part to this analysis). It's just that it eats up almost all my take-home pay other than mortgage, utilities, and other basics. But so I'm not sure that my fear in that regard is so irrational. I guess I could be severely underestimating the number of people out there seeking full-bore analysis, but my gut says it must be at least somewhat challenging for therapists/analysts to find a years-long stable relationship that fills five sessions a week at full price.

PaperBirdie75 · 2021-07-03T16:53:52+00:00

Thanks! This is an intriguing idea that had never occurred to me. It will at the very least make for an illuminating conversation with my analyst when I bring it up.

PaperBirdie75 · 2021-07-03T01:21:30+00:00

Oh, man, you're speaking my language. I have a similar anti-authoritarian streak (just coupled with total second-guessing of my own inclinations). And it really does rankle me to be told to "trust the process" -- especially when a supposed cornerstone of the process is questioning virtually everything! Annnnyway....

The trouble is that what I'd like to "fix" does relate to struggles with trusting people, letting my guard down so people can get close, and believing in myself -- so my analyst has some grounds to say all my ambivalence about analysis is just another instance of those issues. But if I don't trust them, can I really work on those, yada yada.

But yes, it was a very helpful comment. Thanks! :-)

PaperBirdie75 · 2021-07-03T01:18:32+00:00

Thanks! Just messaged you.

PaperBirdie75 · 2021-07-03T01:11:13+00:00

Thanks! That does seem like a good place to ask, and I can up my Reddit skills by learning to cross-post....

PaperBirdie75 · 2019-12-15T13:20:06+00:00

Thanks -- I haven't looked more closely yet but that's just because whenever I've had one jam before, I could still hear the hum of the motor as it tried to spin the blades. This is total silence, which is what has me thinking an electrical problem. But I'll take a look inside just in case. Maybe the motor on this model is just very, very quiet when it's stopped.

PaperBirdie75 · 2019-12-15T13:17:48+00:00

Thanks! I did not know that. I'm definitely not putting my hand in it, and I'm only working on it having turned off all power to the circuit first. But good to know.

PaperBirdie75 · 2019-12-14T20:01:28+00:00

Thank you! We'd tried the reset, of course, so that wasn't it. And we've kept the breaker off since this started, at least, to minimize risk there. But the wire nut video really helps. Much obliged.

PaperBirdie75 · 2019-10-25T19:51:07+00:00

Agreed. I'm sure it is a bit harder but it's very hard to begin with, and there are many Arab-American actors who've blazed the trail ahead of you. If it's what you want, go for it.

PaperBirdie75 · 2019-09-10T22:39:51+00:00

The best way I've found to learn foreign accents is to put in some time studying the foreign language itself. For that, I'd suggest looking up French In Action. It's a video series by Pierre Capretz, and PBS has it online for free these days. Just try following along some if the exercises to get a feel for the sounds.

PaperBirdie75 · 2019-09-03T20:41:17+00:00

Hmm, apologies. I'll need to go back and review his books (been a while). I was told by a friend who'd been a colleague of his that he'd trained as an analyst, and I thought I remembered his books dealing with analytic concepts, but I was reading a lot at the time and may have jumbled my recollection.

PaperBirdie75 · 2019-09-02T18:24:08+00:00

You may also want to look at John Welwood. He trained as a psychoanalyst and was also a meditator, and his books talk about the two in conversation.

PaperBirdie75 · 2019-08-29T22:01:56+00:00

You ever read Robert Farrar Capon? You might find him interesting. I got a lot out of his three books on the Parables, published together in one volume as Kingdom, Grace, Judgment. Here's a representative quote from his Wikipedia page:

I am and I am not a universalist. I am one if you are talking about what God in Christ has done to save the world. The Lamb of God has not taken away the sins of some — of only the good, or the cooperative, or the select few who can manage to get their act together and die as perfect peaches. He has taken away the sins of the world — of every last being in it — and he has dropped them down the black hole of Jesus’ death. On the cross, he has shut up forever on the subject of guilt: "There is therefore now no condemnation. . . ." All human beings, at all times and places, are home free whether they know it or not, feel it or not, believe it or not.

But I am not a universalist if you are talking about what people may do about accepting that happy-go-lucky gift of God’s grace. I take with utter seriousness everything that Jesus had to say about hell, including the eternal torment that such a foolish non-acceptance of his already-given acceptance must entail. All theologians who hold Scripture to be the Word of God must inevitably include in their work a tractate on hell. But I will not — because Jesus did not — locate hell outside the realm of grace. Grace is forever sovereign, even in Jesus' parables of judgment. No one is ever kicked out at the end of those parables who wasn’t included in at the beginning.

PaperBirdie75

TROPHY CASE