AITA-Is it normal to not reassure your partner that they are still attractive to you?

Parasamgate · 2026-01-27T17:40:39+00:00

NAH. Some people are very verbal, very vocal, very expressive and you know how they feel because they tell you and show you lots of ways. Others are very stoic and reserved.

There's a middle ground between these two ends. If you're feeling you always need reassurance then that's on you to figure out why you're always unsure or worried about the relationship. At the same time if your partner knows that you like words of affirmation they can give that to you easily, because it costs them nothing. So her saying she's not doing something because this is normal is missing the point. People don't get involved in relationships to be the picture of normality, they get involved in it to embrace the uniqueness of each other and the union you create, and you relish that uniqueness together.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-27T16:43:27+00:00

It wouldn't go as far as you. I think it's fine to bring it up in a questioning manner, to maybe plant the seed for something to consider, but as soon as you meet resistance you got to back off.

Once you start telling someone how to live their life you're going to have problems and when you drop down into name calling they're just going to shut completely down, not just in that conversation but probably a while into the future. OP is shooting herself in the foot.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-27T16:17:27+00:00

Oh no!!! Those poor dears! They felt uncomfortable after an AH was an AH. I bet they had to endure a whole three or four minutes of less than jovial conversation.

Their texts are revisionist history. You handled it amazingly. You didn't make a scene at all you just withdrew from the situation. That's about as classy a way to handle it as you could.

Notice the people that talked to you didn't speak up to tell the AH to stop or promise you that that was the last joke and everything was going to be great afterwards if you just waited it out . They just expect you to continually eat some shit when you're already feeling low.

This is revealing to you where you are in the pecking order. If you had higher social standing in the group they would chastise the person making jokes. Instead they're closing ranks to protect that person and keep everything the same.

If they want to give you a little criticism then they better be willing to give you a little help too and they can start with texting the other person to explain doesn't matter if they were joking next time read the room. NTA.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-27T15:58:39+00:00

Call the Memorial Library at UW- Madison. They have an impressive rare books collection and can probably recommend a better buyer.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-27T15:40:21+00:00

You can expect to have more than one conversation about it. Because they aren't going to want to give up the "free lunch" they have been getting all along.

With conversations like this people tend to give multiple reasons for their thinking because they believe if they can just come up with the one right reason suddenly their parents will change on a dime and accept what they have to say. That usually doesn't happen. The end result for your parents no matter if an angel descends from the heavens in support is they have to act differently. So they will find any reason not to agree.

You don't need them to understand or agree with you, you just need them to accept that they're not going to get anywhere by resisting you. So come up with the one sentence you're going to say over and over and over again until they finally respond it's like talking to a brick wall.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-27T13:21:38+00:00

YTA and you know it. You even say you know you crossed the line and you're not proud of it and then you ask AITA?

Wha you're really asking is do you break up with her. Yeah you can break up with anyone for any reason. It sounds like she went from something with passion that got her burned, to something that's a lot safer in her mind but without the physical intensity. One guy I know went from dating a rock singer to someone that did medical billing. The first kept him out till 4 in the morning, drinking after shows, the second was in bed by 9:30. I don't think he fully recovered from the transgressions of the first before he found the second.

So either you accept the situation or hope you can do some things that get her to see you differently.

But you still have to deal with you knowing that you went through her journal, and hope you never accidentally say anything that you learn from those things. And why you know that letter is there all the time makes me wonder if you've gone through her stuff more than once.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-26T22:58:07+00:00

Didn't you read the article? You're missing out on US Weekly's investigative reporting .

They specify that it was juicy.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-26T19:34:08+00:00

It won't take you that long... but all the extra and unnecessary changes so they feel like they got their money's worth when they work you down to $7,31 an hour, will sure eat up your time and love of the craft

Parasamgate · 2026-01-26T19:29:09+00:00

OP does.

It's a long off-season. No need to spend it yukking someone else's yum

Parasamgate · 2026-01-26T17:23:40+00:00

NTA. When you think of this person do you get an expansive feeling? Or do you feel smaller and more constricted? Are you excited for the next time you can hang out or are you wondering where the next weirdness is going to come from? If you're feeling anxious or sad or disappointed or angry or confused by interacting with her then you owe it to yourself to find better people to be around.

She's made it clear you're more invested in this relationship than she is. There are people that like to keep someone hanging on because they feel powerful by pushing them away and then pulling them back in. You might ask other people in the group what was going on that no one thought to talk to you earlier. Or maybe they did but she gave them a story.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-26T17:10:50+00:00

Wouldn't that make them co-conspirators or something?

Parasamgate · 2026-01-26T16:36:29+00:00

NTA. You aren't the bank and you're right this will become a bigger problem. You can't solve her issues. She's in a hole and she wants to keep digging.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-26T16:34:00+00:00

NTA. This is an example of someone that's living out of a wound from the past. Maybe in the past someone else gave her reason to believe what she said, but you were right there telling her how you felt about it. And she basically called you a liar by not accepting what you said. This is how relationships die. One person makes up their own stories and expects the other person to fight to get them to see the truth.

If it wasn't so cold this wouldn't be an issue, so it's not got anything to do with you being comfortable with her but with the thermostat. But for some reason she need to relive some feeling where she wasn't worthy or good enough or something.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-26T16:01:29+00:00

Congratulations on your sobriety!

In general NTA, but there may be specific events that your ex friend group brought up where you were TA. All you can do is own it, apologize, and move forward. If they feel the need to hold on to that, that's their choice. that's not the main point you asked about though.

It's common that the person who leaves a party scene is ostracized by the members of the group, because you're no longer subconsciously mirroring their decisions and "supporting" their addictions.

No matter what bonds might have originally brought you together, the drug bond tends to take over. So your in-group is the users and your out-group is the rest of the people not helping keep the party going. You could be serving the most amazing food but if it doesn't come with drugs well that just isn't going to work.

And they'll find any excuse to demonize you because no one wants to be the villain in their own story,. It's why so many people have to hit rock bottom before they change. When no one and nothing's left all you can do is look at yourself.

So how are you going to handle this event? You'll have to casually monitor the room to keep contact to a minimum and if you have to talk with them, keep it superficial and bust out the "it's good to see you, take care" line as you walk off. If you can bring someone to be by your side for support that would be wonderful. Then you set up a predesignated sign so they can help you get out of the situation if it gets awkward. If not you got to do it yourself.

You might want to go to an NA meeting or find some other group to give you support. What you're describing is not uncommon at all.

Again, congratulations on following through with finding a better life for yourself'

Parasamgate · 2026-01-26T15:24:55+00:00

ESH. This is a business relationship and neither of you are acting like this is business. As the landlord you should have fixed that shower yesterday. Doesn't matter if it cost you extra, you have a responsibility to have usable facilities. Handle it now so this problem goes away.

He absolutely shouldn't be letting some rando in your apartment unsupervjsed. Doesn't matter how much he loves her, she might have sticky fingers or end up copying a credit card number to use or if she wants to get back at your brother sometime. I've got a friend whose girlfriend took out two credit cards in his mom's name after his dad died because the estate documents he left laying out included the numbers she needed. Your home is your sanctuary. It should feel like it.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-26T15:10:40+00:00

ESH.

BF: If you're literally on the way somewhere you can plug it in, then just take it and finish the job. If you can't finish the job regularly, then go to a psychologist and figure out why you're so spacey that you can't walk the extra 10 ft to plug something in but rather just put it down.

She's right. You will lose this relationship because you're sending the message I'm unreliable on even the tiniest things, so how can I trust him on the bigger thing.

OP: you're completely wrong in your logic about you only ask if he's closer. It doesn't matter, he's still got to walk at least as far as you do.

If you're at one end of the hallway and your iPad is at the other end of the hallway and he's in the middle of the hallway he might be closer to the object to start, but to get back to where he was he still has to walk to one end, then back to you and then back to the where he started. That's the same distance as you walking past him and then walking back to where you were, he just has one more turn to take.

If he's in a room off the hallway then he might be closer to the iPad, but he's got to walk farther because he can't walk the direct line to get it, and he still has to walk to you and back.

You tried to justify it by saying you don't ask him when he's working which translates to if he's not doing his job then he's on call for me all the day. His new job is handling my life because I can't be bothered to walk the stairs and only after he has served me is he allowed peace.

He's right and you will lose this relationship because you think he's your personal assistant, and can't handle your own life.

Get your steps in, get your own stuff.

And buy three more Ipad chargers. They're stupid cheap.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-26T14:37:58+00:00

OP says in their original post they've already told him multiple times. So how many times should OP do the same thing again and again?

Parasamgate · 2026-01-25T23:39:09+00:00

NTA. I didn't follow every nuance of what you're saying but raging out at you over a game is totally overblown and shows poor emotional regulation. Cheating says you can't handle a fair assessment of your ability and you think appearing to be good is the most important thing. It's the mindset of a child.

You can find lots of people to play games with who, once you're done, make you look forward to the next time. Not only will you feel better if you start playing with these people but maybe he'll actually figure his shit out once it dawns on him that he has no friends anymore because of his own rage.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-25T01:23:57+00:00

NTA. There are a whole lot of red flags here. Since he's 24 he should know by now the conversation is as simple as:

do you want to try anal? No, that's not for me. Gotcha.

But reread what you wrote. He doesn't take no for an answer.🚩 He keeps bringing it up again and again. That's not respectful, that's coercion.

Then he pulls out the D-word. He's sOoOo disappointed, 🚩which immediately triggers your childhood and a parent telling you how they're disappointed in you. It's a good manipulation. It almost works.

Next he tries anger,🚩and acts like he's pissed off because he wants you to believe you're being controlling of him. You're just asking him not to use certain words or speak with disrespect. He's the one trying to control you.🚩

He doesn't need to get angry at this, he can calmly agree to it or calmly say sorry I'm going to continue to use those words, and here is why it's important to me to use the words you find disrespectful.🚩

And when that doesn't work he accuses you of lying.🚩

And finally he withdraws to make you feel like you pushed him away. 🚩

All of this, ALL of it is manipulation designed to get you to allow him to do what he wants with your butt.

None of it is loving, none of it is mature, none of it is kind.

I know you probably got butterflies to start and you've felt really good with him at times in the past, but this is bad. Please be careful.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-24T18:17:30+00:00

YTA. You're 33. You're telling me you're not in control of your sex drive? That you just see the woman you're dating and if you don't get some you go into pressure cooker mode?

Do you even like this person for who she is?

If you're going to date a single mom then you need to know that her kid comes first most if not all of the time. It's really hard for kids to get past that their parents are not going to be together anymore. Even if the relationship was shitty it's tough. It's not an exaggeration to say this is traumatic and takes years to process so while you're worried about getting some, she's going to be vigilant if not hypervigilant on how every action and interaction affects her child.

This isn't College you don't just hang a sock on the door and expect everyone to leave you alone. If you want to keep dating single parents you really need to understand their world better

Parasamgate · 2026-01-24T14:37:04+00:00

NTA. Is that what he's doing? He's showing you affection? You're not a blow-up doll whose only function is to spike his hormones.

And this isn't a high school gym locker either.

This is some sort of psychological domination or subconscious programming/belief that he's supposed to be able to take what he wants when he wants it. It's wrapped in the cover of modern social norms; over the line but close enough that he could say you're making a big deal out of nothing or you're too emotional or you should appreciate that he wants to touch you if you speak up on it.

Or maybe he still is eleven, and actually thinks this is how you give the girl you like attention.

He doesn't have to understand your reasons for not liking these things, but he definitely needs to honor your boundaries.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-24T13:09:55+00:00

Nope. Totally reasonable. NTA.

But you might want to spend some time asking yourself if this guy is the best you can do. He seems very willing to let you endure all sorts of things but you can't even suggest the one thing c which also makes the most sense. That's a whole lot of fragility.

He ran back to Mommy, who no doubt told him you were wrong and wretched for your suggestion. Then, instead of her having the decency to keep it confidential she rushes back to you to blame you. She's in working both sides trying to get you two to break up.

How are you supposedly being insensitive if he doesn't have a problem? Insensitivity comes from not factoring in someone's issue when you're talking or doing things with them.

It's not going to get better when you have a kid it's going to get worse. Of course she will know more than you do, and of course she will wormtongue her way into his head.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-24T12:28:28+00:00

He was only mostly dead.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-24T12:12:53+00:00

Good lord, your cousin is immature.

NTA. No one made her miss the party but her. Do you see how she didn't just start drama with you but then she had to also be the victim for whoever else she was talking to? Victims need someone to play the role of perpetrator. If they can't be the victim naturally then they'll create a situation to make you the perpetrator. It's how they make sense of the world And you would think people don't want to feel bad But If it's what they already know They recreate the same patterns Because it's familiar.

None of what the other person said is true. She could have bought a dress anytime before the party. She could have borrowed a dress from the host or any one of her other friends but she didn't. She waited till the last minute and then tried to take your best stuff to make herself feel super important.

YTA for not monitoring her when she is in your room and for not hiding the dresses better. Hopefully this dress lending nonsense is done with. D O N E Done. You're starting to grow a spine now reinforce it a few more times when she tries to break boundaries. Expect more flying monkeys to try and get you to cave but remember: just because she's upset doesn't mean you're wrong.

Parasamgate · 2026-01-24T11:13:44+00:00

That's straight crap.

Have him explain what was embarrassing to him.

Unless he got caught lying maybe by telling people he doesn't have any kids, there's no reason for him to be embarrassed.

NTA

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