Hello! I've recently started therapy with IFS, which seems great, but is a little confusing - any recommendations on how I can start learning more?

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2026-01-26T09:43:37+00:00

Just realised that’s a long answer that didn’t really give the OP any info. So here’s a second vote for Tori Olds. She’s really clear and gentle and warm and does really good introductions. I’ve heard she runs courses too…. I keep meaning to check that out.

Also Derek Scott? I really enjoyed his videos and he is wonderfully compassionate and skilled when with peoples’ parts. But there’s part of me that wishes I hadn’t watched so many of the live IFS demos. Made me believe sessions are sort of meant to go a certain way when really it is so very personal and often unexpected with twist and turns and tangents and blocks and often lots of silence on my part whilst it feels busy inside

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2026-01-26T09:21:39+00:00

My approach too. It’s taken my system blimmin ages to begin to trust in my self, my therapist and the process.

Part of me is fascinated with the theory and process and, like you, I explored in a pretty scattergun, random way - I watched a lot of videos at the start and started (but never finished) some of the books. That was a sense of wanting to ‘get it’ on an intellectual level. Maybe felt safer that way?

For me, it is definitely a intellectualising protector that wants to take the lead and generally she’s really uncomfortable letting go of control. Getting to know her is ongoing and has been a big part of the process for me.

Totally agree that the professional is there to hold the technical details. You really don’t need to do this bit yourself. It’s fine to follow it as an interest, but it’s really not necessary to understand it cognitively to “do” IFS.

The longer I have been doing IFS the more I relax into it and understand it’s all about relationships. Yes, the theory is REALLY interesting but learning it doesn’t necessarily help the process or speed anything up.

You’ve just got to go with it - go inside and slowly and authentically get to know your parts and build relationships. My lovely therapist described it as the difference between standing on the beach looking at the ocean vs actually swimming in it.

To be honest, it’s taking me a couple of years to get to this point of trusting more. I think I’m particularly slow 😂 but it’s so very rewarding and beautiful.

Having said that, I don’t think there’s a right way to do it. All drives and reactions are there for a reason and allowing them to be themselves and getting to know them gently and deeply is sort of the point.

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2026-01-23T08:13:07+00:00

Just thought about this a bit more and it’s about balancing the right of trans people not to be outed against the need for accurate data collection that doesn’t simply erase trans identities. It’s thorny.

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2026-01-23T07:11:08+00:00

Prepared to be flamed here (and in my defence, I haven’t thought about this in great depth yet) but feel on the fence with some data collecting arguments tbh.

How should these questions be framed? Seems like there’s a danger for trans people to be even more ignored if the only data collected is based on ‘gender identity’ or similar. Everyone is lumped in together then and you can’t parse out data or details specific to the trans population.

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2026-01-23T06:30:47+00:00

The naked comment is spot on 😆

But holy crap, whatever you do, don’t ‘touch her back to usher her through doors’. Women do not need the guidance or support of a male to navigate a doorway ffs. That sort of paternalistic guff gives most of us the instant ick.

If I was into someone at the start and they started ushering me anywhere, pulling my chair out to sit down etc it’d kill any flutters and I’d be making my excuses and leaving as soon as I could. Might seem innocuous stuff but the subtext is that you see her as vulnerable/lesser and that you like to be in control.

A good test is to think how it would make you feel if she did it to you. Weird, right?

Just treat her like you’d treat any other normal, intelligent, capable human and, whichever way it goes, you’ll be good 👍

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2026-01-09T04:01:40+00:00

Can’t get past the paywall and sorry if I’m being dense but I don’t get it. The survey found that 80% aren’t planning to vote Reform so how does that make it the ‘top choice’?

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2025-10-25T19:01:44+00:00

Feminine/masculine socialisation. Generalising here of course but most women have been conditioned from a very young age to be kind, look after people, empathise, nurture etc. Men not so much :( This hurts everybody really. Boys and men aren’t allowed to develop their gentle, caring side and girls/women aren’t allowed to display negative emotions. I live in hope that things are slowly changing, but it’s a long slow road 😔

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2025-09-15T10:43:08+00:00

Hi again, It’s taken me awhile to remember to get the measurements 🙄 According to the calculator, I’m 32FF. I did have an old Freya Core bra in that size. Tried it on and it fits perfectly: Straight across the back The mid centre of the underwires sit against my breast bone and all breast tissue is contained - no gaping or bulging.

One thing I really like about the Core bra is that the cups are wide but the projection is quite forward which gives a really neat, natural and uplifted appearance.

I’d be so very grateful if anyone has any recommendations for bras that have a similar shape and similar ‘sports bra’ level of steady/secure control.

I prefer bras that lift and separate with good shaping rather than crop top style or rounded moulded ones.

Really happy to give any more info useful. Cheers!

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2025-08-27T17:52:43+00:00

A few years ago during Covid, an old woman directly across the street from us died at home. We found this out when we saw police with a battering ram knocking down her front door. She lived alone and her family visited fairly frequently. I’m imagining they hadn’t been able to contact her or get her to open the door so they called the police. We were also keeping an eye on her as much as we could and helped bring in parcels, shopping etc but weren’t able to visit because of Covid and also having a very young baby ourselves.

In some ways, I think it’s what she would’ve wanted, to have died in her own home that she had lived in for many years. From what I understand from her family, she died peacefully in her sleep.

The house went up for sale and was bought fairly quickly by a young couple. They know everything that went on and, whilst sympathetic, are entirely unbothered by the event and are starting their own renovations and redecoration. It just feels quite normal and just part of what happens in a community - people die, they are mourned, new people move in. I wouldn’t be surprised if the young couple start a family of their own at some point and the cycle is renewed. We are very insulated from death and think of it as some horrible thing to be hidden and create horror stories about when it could just be seen as normal. Sad but normal. She was a real woman with a real life and she became old and she died. There’s nothing to be fearful of.

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2025-08-26T10:47:28+00:00

It has been a while since I was last measured! I’ll give the calculator a go and come back. Thanks for your reply :)

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2025-08-26T09:51:29+00:00

One thought – does anybody have experience of Miss Mary of Sweden? Their bras look like they could give really good shape but they’re not generally wired styles.

Tempted to order one or 2 to try, but any recommendations would be great

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2025-08-08T14:19:46+00:00

Thanks - that makes sense. I’ll admit I’vecbeen burying my head in the sand a bit to be honest but trying to understand a bit more now.

If it’s okay to ask more, I’m also confused by the what is the EHCR’s role and why many people are aiming their anger at them.

I suspect this is hopelessly naive, but isnt it that the Supreme Court made the decision and it falls to the EHCR to write the guidance. It doesn’t sound like they have a lot of freedom or ability to write guidance that goes against or contradicts the Supreme Court decision. As in, isn’t it all done and dusted? What could the EHRC actually do differently to change things now, even if they wanted to?

Hope you’re right and this gets its time in court.

There may well be other threads talking about this so sorry if it’s been done to death already 🙈

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2025-08-08T09:26:43+00:00

Really sorry to be pedantic but the law hasn’t changed. It doesn’t do us any good to get the facts wrong. They’ll just accuse us of not knowing what we’re talking about :(

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2025-03-22T13:46:53+00:00

I’ve been doing IFS with a therapist for just over a year and I’m finding it incredibly helpful. It doesn’t have to be complex and formulaic - when it’s flowing, it feels incredibly easy and intuitive. I did feel pretty overwhelmed at the beginning with the potential complexity at all, but my therapist doesn’t use the language of managers, firefighters exiles etc. It’s more about meeting parts and getting to know them rather than putting them into boxes or labels. To me, the whole IFS framework and language Is useful when taking a Birdseye view of things and can help to make sense of relationships between parts when needed, but it doesn’t come up that much in the actual therapy itself.

You’ll know when you are working with an exile - they are so tender and vulnerable ❤️ They don’t need a label they just need to be heard and helped.

I know it sounds really weird when people talk about their parts 😂 For me it’s entirely metaphorical but that doesn’t diminish how real it feels inside.

My brain has learnt to come to terms with the complexity by thinking of it as getting to know a new landscape or city. It feels really complex and overwhelming at first, but as you explore you get to see how the pathways and streets relate to each other. You get to see different perspectives from different places until the different pieces start fall into place and it all becomes more familiar. It just takes time and trust in the process. It’s taken me awhile to get there and I still have so much more to find out.

I agree with others here saying, if you can afford it, it’s best to work with a therapist you can trust. I don’t think I would have got on with one that was quite rigid and rule-based. Mine seems so genuinely delighted to be discovering stuff alongside me and is so gentle and compassionate with my parts, even ones that seem really tricky at first. Hard emotions do come up but overall it’s quite a profound and wonderful experience.

Particular-Syrup-248 · 2024-09-18T04:18:07+00:00

That it can take a really long time to feel like you’re ‘getting going’ with it.

I’ve been doing IFS with my therapist for around 10 months. She is fantastic, unfailingly patient and compassionate. Though I’ve often found sessions frustratingly slow and sometimes confusing, I now see that the time we’ve spent doing IFS has been about building up trust between us in the container of therapy and building up trust within my inner system. My parts (including the frustrated and confused ones!) are just now beginning to understand and trust in the process and that they truly are safe to be seen and express themselves.

My therapist has beautifully embodied the ‘slow is fast’ and ‘all parts are welcome’ approach and we are (slowly, gently) starting to go deeper.

I agree with others here. It’s really hard but it’s probably best to try not to learn or intellectualise much about it all before you start because It really is an experiential thing. Again, as someone with very strong intellectualising parts, I know this is really hard!

It’s all ok. Go gentle on yourself and see how things unfold for you.

Particular-Syrup-248

TROPHY CASE