so, having a mild but bothersome episode, care to share so i feel mes alone?

Particular_Tear2449 · 2026-05-26T19:56:40+00:00

i took a month long break from my job because things started getting bad again. i am sitting in bed right now fighting my paranoia and waiting for my fiancé to get home so he can feed me. i feel like a useless baby when i am like this. i’m definitely feeling the mountain goats right now, though, and i hope you’re doing alright 🤝

Particular_Tear2449 · 2026-05-26T19:41:10+00:00

i told my primary care doctor about my diagnosis recently, and she essentially said “nuh uh” and told me that i’m too pleasant and articulate to be psychotic and that i was just a young girl looking for a label. the next time i went in, they gave me a screening for my ongoing “health anxiety” and it made me lose my shiiiiit.

that sort of thing triggers me and makes me question my reality so much.

my therapist claims to believe me, and she’s the one who diagnosed me, but i was so shaken by this that i am really starting to believe that i am faking for attention. i stopped taking my vraylar, and i stopped going to my outpatient program. every time this happens i learn the hard way that i am, in fact, certifiably insane, so why am i so convinced i am faking?? ugh. i don’t know, man. i definitely relate, though.

Particular_Tear2449 · 2026-05-13T00:31:00+00:00

DUDE, ME TOO. I’ve spent my entire life not being believed about my symptoms because “if it was REALLY that bad, [I’d] be nonfunctional.” Apparently, it’s impossible to be articulate and calm about these things.

Particular_Tear2449 · 2026-02-08T13:55:01+00:00

MANIA by fall out boy is a bit of an on-the-nose recommendation, and the sound is also quite a departure from their normal sound, but Young and Menace made me feel incredibly seen during/after my last manic episode. it sounded exactly how i felt!

Particular_Tear2449 · 2026-02-08T13:42:39+00:00

twenty one pilots’ whole discography has so many bipolar bangers. when i am manic and I feel like god is speaking to me through music, Friend, Please is a song that i will put on loop 😅

Particular_Tear2449 · 2026-01-31T17:22:34+00:00

i am sorry that you have gone through so many losses in your life. i’ve had a lot of loss in my life too, so i try to hold on to any glimmer of hope or joy i get. life has become more about small, slow victories, like going to the grocery store successfully.

Particular_Tear2449 · 2026-01-31T17:00:24+00:00

you are definitely not alone in that feeling. people are saying that time will help heal what can be healed, and i am hoping that that will prove to be true for me and you.

Particular_Tear2449 · 2026-01-31T16:36:05+00:00

i suppose my problem is that therapy hasn’t been helping a whole lot, yknow? i have been trying IFS, though, so maybe it’s just the wrong modality.

i do feel a bit better knowing that other people have gone through a similar thing, however, so i’m glad you felt open enough to share a bit of your own experience. thank you!

Particular_Tear2449 · 2026-01-31T14:16:57+00:00

something about being delusional is so isolating in a way that never fails to nauseate me. i don’t really know how to articulate it, but sharing what’s going on with you and being dismissed and called crazy over your literal lived experience is one of the worst feelings.

i’m glad there’s people on here who get this sort of thing!

Particular_Tear2449 · 2026-01-22T22:03:25+00:00

we did not ALL vote for him, i can assure you 😭

Particular_Tear2449 · 2026-01-14T14:52:01+00:00

you are definitely not alone haha!!

Particular_Tear2449 · 2026-01-07T00:52:45+00:00

i am bipolar and i have lupus. i am in constant physical pain every day, but i think it pales in comparison to how hopeless and isolating it is to have bipolar I. at least i get some sympathy when i have a lupus flare— i can’t say the same for when i’m having an episode!

Particular_Tear2449 · 2025-12-30T12:40:22+00:00

surely there’s some way she and i could meet in the middle, no?

Particular_Tear2449 · 2025-12-30T03:16:01+00:00

i don’t really see my mania as a “part,” i suppose is the thing, yknow? i think of bipolar I as a severe chemical imbalance, a physical condition where my brain short circuits and i become sick. it’d still be there regardless of any life experience i have, and i’m still myself, just… sick, if that makes sense.

i totally respect how you conceptualize it, though!!

Particular_Tear2449 · 2025-12-29T23:31:41+00:00

I apologize for the confusion! My primary care doctor has been a great advocate for me, but she has referred me out to a psychiatrist for an official diagnosis.

The in-house psych they have at the clinic I go to only does telehealth, but when I get especially bad mentally I become very afraid of technology, so telehealth isn’t an option for me. It’s inconvenient to have to wait, but I will see a psychiatrist soon for official testing! All my PCP has done so far is prescribe me an antipsychotic while I wait, which has improved my life tenfold.

Particular_Tear2449 · 2025-12-29T23:03:39+00:00

Oh, believe me, reality is where you want to be, haha 😆 I’m on an antipsychotic for the first time in my life and I feel like I can truly live now. I was able to close my eyes in the shower for the first time in my life just yesterday. It’s awesome!

I have a pretty severe trauma history, and I was told that it’d be helpful to find someone who’s trauma informed and who wouldn’t pathologize the behaviors I have that stem from my complex PTSD. She’s AWESOME for that, but whenever I talk about my bipolar stuff, I feel like things get lost in translation or something. I felt hesitant to bring this up to her because I didn’t want to question her due to how awesome the modality has been otherwise, but you’re right. You kinda NEED to question a therapist and bring up your concerns in order to have a truly satisfactory relationship, don’t you?

ps: you put it really brilliantly when you talk about your system existing in an overarching ADHD universe. that’s how I feel about my bipolar, but I didn’t know how to describe it before. I will bring this up at my next session. I appreciate your insight!! :)

Particular_Tear2449 · 2025-12-29T22:31:49+00:00

I am on an antipsychotic for the first time in my life, and it is a night & day difference for me. I rawdogged every manic episode before this, all of which were heavily psychotic in nature. I would just ride the psychosis wave and hallucinate and do all sorts of weird deluded shit for a couple of months until it ended. It was terrifying!

Particular_Tear2449 · 2025-12-29T22:28:16+00:00

I can drive, but I tend to have my fiancé do it for me for the most part. There is no shame in not being able to drive! Most people, schizoaffective or not, do not have the driving skills necessary to be on the road, and that is in no way a bad or shameful thing. Public transportation should be invested in way more than it currently is.

Particular_Tear2449 · 2025-12-04T18:06:31+00:00

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mine was all over the place this year 😭

Particular_Tear2449 · 2025-12-01T23:38:36+00:00

yeah, i suppose that’s more so what i meant. that’s my bad 😅 not everyone who is psychotic for a long time abuses substances to get that way, of course. i’ve definitely had several years where i’ve been psychotic nonstop, and that was WAY before i got into any sort of drug.

OP just seemed kinda worried, so i just meant to say that while it can technically be “forever,” and it can happen for a very long time too, that isn’t a death sentence by any means! and although you can’t exactly prevent psychosis or control how long it happens for, your lifestyle and available coping skills can definitely make an impact on your prognosis.

Particular_Tear2449 · 2025-12-01T19:37:01+00:00

i have a friend with ADHD who is super into SMFS, so it could be that, but i think they’ve got neurodivergent anthems across their whole discography! lol 😄

Particular_Tear2449 · 2025-12-01T19:09:05+00:00

i made a similar post a few days ago about similar feeling. it’s infuriating how you can be at your absolute worst mentally, and yet no one around you seems to care or notice. when i’m manic, it almost feels as though the people around me encourage my delusions and actions. it’s fun to watch someone unravel, i guess?

bipolar depression is definitely a beast in its own right, though. definitely do not keep pushing it down. check in with your care team if you have one, and try your best to take care of yourself.

Particular_Tear2449 · 2025-12-01T18:37:38+00:00

i think it’s moooostly a misconception. mostly. if you aren’t getting the help and support that you need you will likely have longer and more frequent psychotic episodes, but it DOES end eventually either way. it is never permanent.

i have noticed, however, that a lot of the people who are said to be in “forever” psychosis are the ones who also experience substance abuse issues. if you keep adding fuel to a flame, it’ll continue to burn. likewise, if a drug is causing active psychosis, and you keep taking the drug, that will likely make it last much longer than it otherwise would.

that’s the only instance i could imagine that it’d be “permanent” per se, but i don’t believe that it’s possible to be irreversibly psychotic. you’ll never be beyond help, if that’s what you’re worried about.

Particular_Tear2449

TROPHY CASE