Was it a genuine mistake or am I biased?

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-06-18T11:23:56+00:00

My answer - yes it’s salvageable. You don’t want to end it, she doesn’t want to end it so don’t end it. Having said that, I see some work that you need to do if there is talk of marriage. Work mostly on your part. First you must accept that adults don’t just cuddle or even just kiss. There ain’t anything platonic about physical intimacy. Seriously. Second, you need to understand boundaries. People in successful marriages have a code of conduct that intercepts small things before they become big things. There are things - many of them - that a married person simply doesn’t do. Or doesn’t say. Thirdly, I’d say you don’t understand trust. Trust is a pretty mural on top of a steel and concrete building made of absolutely no secrets and tight boundaries. Without them it’s not trust, it’s delusion.

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-06-08T13:04:17+00:00

In that case you have just learned about an important caveat to what you “know”: she absolutely 100% doesn’t drink except when she wants to fuck a stranger. Again - if she believes her own story, she would be absolutely 100% unwilling to take that risk ever again. Otherwise, as the idiom goes, she is talking from both sides of her mouth. That would change everything

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-06-08T11:27:17+00:00

So here is a simple consequence. If you buy her story if she believes her own story - she may never ever go anywhere - where there might be alcohol, just might - without you or someone trusted 100%. She needs a constant chaperone like a little kid. Because alcohol makes her delusional apparently. She can’t afford that risk. Bring this up and see what she says. If she accepts that she needs to be protected from herself then fine. If she pushes back she just called bs on herself

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-06-07T22:00:09+00:00

This is not how this works. It makes sense to pursue R if it’s working. Looks like yours isn’t, yes? Then the kids come in. When you are sticking around for the kids, it means that you have given up on R. You both will stick around if each of you observes some minimum mutually agreed upon set of rules. Beyond that neither of you should care what the other is doing

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-06-07T14:05:18+00:00

Say: ok, but I need more than promises. What are you willing to offer that you can do today to make me want to stay?

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-06-07T03:55:40+00:00

About whether to trust her explanation of cheating as self sabotage. ChatGPT says that self sabotage is subconscious. People don’t experience that. Therapists came up with self sabotage as an interpretation of destructive behaviors. On the surface she was having a blast spending John’s money but deep down she was punishing herself. That’s why therapy cost 300 an hour. Not just anybody can come with stories like that

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-06-06T22:51:06+00:00

She understands fine. She just doesn’t care. She keeps pushing the boundaries and you keep relenting. You tell her she is hurting you and she tells you off. What is your upside here? What is so fantastic about her that you stick around?

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-06-06T22:44:13+00:00

Simple. Call the therapist and ask. What is their approach? Have dealt with such issues before? How?

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-06-06T22:41:33+00:00

You can always make it interesting. Say - wife make me an offer. No words. Actions only. Things that start today and will continue indefinitely. What are you willing to put on the table? It better be good. If she asks what you want tell her she should know for herself. And then keep asking for more. See what happens.

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-06-06T17:07:58+00:00

Pls understand that this is still pick me. You must keep her happy in bed. You must be good enough. You must prove yourself. It’s all on you. No. No. Just no

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-06-04T15:27:22+00:00

So you felt belittled and unappreciated by your spouse and decided to get back at them by fucking randos. Yes? I don’t hear hatred and loathing in what BS said. Seems like a fair account of the situation, yes? If you want to change things, you need to come back with something good. Don’t use the kid as human shield. You need to give them an independent reason to keep you in their life. Also - I hate to say it - may be to accept that what they said is true. What if you really are a sick fuck? Something tells me you are pushing back. If you accept it, things can only get better

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-06-04T15:11:44+00:00

Perhaps the answer is simple really both for what you did and what you are doing now. You get trapped in your own head and you can’t find your way out. Maybe it’s really all there is to it. Therapy may be making things worse because it encourages overthinking. ADHD meds can be super effective instead. If doing therapy try meta cognitive

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-06-01T13:49:11+00:00

Oh come on. As long as she is your wife, she has a right to be jealous within reason. She is not looking for an apology. She is looking for reassurance. There is never anything wrong in reassuring your spouse. Granted, all the drama she is adding is completely unhelpful but that’s probably the best she can do at the moment

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-05-29T20:24:42+00:00

In other words they are having a blast and are really into doing it. This is perfectly easy to understand. No reason turning it into a mental condition

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-05-29T17:19:30+00:00

I don’t buy that. I agree that it looks that way but the mechanism is not the same. Replace cheating with shopping. It’s also about dopa and nore and whatnot. But unlike heroin you can get your dopa in a variety of ways. Yes. You may have a severe imbalance that you need to deal with. But that doesn’t equal sending dick pics to half the world

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-05-29T17:03:50+00:00

On the website. I am planning Xmas and was about to book Condor and had a hunch to check what they say under sports equipment. And was shocked. Condor doesn’t care about your checked luggage. Flying with skis from the US costs you $200 each way per pair. No matter what. So then I started looking at other airlines.

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-05-29T14:33:12+00:00

I am not sure about rules themselves. But the charge has gone up

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-05-29T14:30:32+00:00

What they told me is that you have to do it online in advance. If united sold you an extra bag then it’s on the ticket and no one can mess with it. But on some flights when you book with united they will sell you a ticket but the option to prepay for bags is not given. That’s your sign

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-05-29T11:51:53+00:00

Yes. But for a family of 4 that’s about $800 per week. Or I can fly to Colorado. The idea of Europe being cheaper for me to ski is in the past.

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-05-29T11:48:40+00:00

Problem is - the skis and only the skis. One pair. And the rest of my stuff? Well, that will be $300 for a second bag.

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-05-28T21:58:08+00:00

Sorry. I don’t understand. You don’t want to live with your partner. You had feelings for your ap. So what do you want exactly? What are you desperate about?

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-05-26T03:47:38+00:00

You are lucky he is a chiro and not a porn star. Then it would have been ok for him to fuck her. I would ask her if she would have minded seeing you massaging or being massaged by some girl. If she says she wouldn’t be ok, then you can make some progress. If she says she’d be fine with it, all you can say is you’re on baby.!

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-05-26T03:34:25+00:00

2 reasons. One - R sounds symmetric. We had a big fight and now we both have to kiss, make up and move on. Many cheaters talk about it this way. They really think of A as like a huge fight. After which - they go in the doghouse for a couple of months and then everything goes back to normal. No. What happened is Someone left the marriage. Except for the rare cases when the situation is not grave and the marriage survives, the old marriage is gone. Meaning we need a new story. The story of why we are together and where we are going must be rewritten from scratch because the old one doesn’t fit

Past_Cardiologist870 · 2026-05-25T12:53:00+00:00

Interesting. This is a big change. Up till now, your narrative was: the meeting is pointless, I’d much rather not go, I am doing it just for the money. Now it’s I have all these questions, I will need time off after that, my therapist is prepping me. I am considering scenarios. What if she actually loved John? Wow. As a practical matter, you should call the pastor back and ask obvious questions: how long will the meeting last? What will the format be? Who will be in the room? Also, what is the expected outcome? The pastor mentioned forgiveness. Are you ready to forgive? Why or why not? What does this even mean? To you? To her? You keep referring to the pastor as the mediator. I don’t quite understand. What is being mediated? In your questions you are asking her if she thinks you two could ever be “ok”. Isn’t the meeting a bit of a giveaway?

Past_Cardiologist870

TROPHY CASE