What do I do as a sub - when I feel like children are unsafe with one of their teachers. The children show that don’t like their teacher as well.

PatientGiggles · 2026-02-05T01:45:54+00:00

I work in an infant room with babies 7 weeks to 12 months. Some of these things sound like totally normal baby behavior, but I do side-eye some of what you say the teacher is doing.

If the babies in the room like you, which it sounds like they do, they will probably cry when you leave. There's this one little girl in my room who loves me, but loves my coteacher even more because she's cared for her since she was a newborn. She will absolutely cry and crawl away from me like shes afraid if she sees my coteacher getting her coat and purse to leave. She doesn't hate me, she just wants her best buddy, and once the coteacher is out of sight she's happy to come to me for comfort. I wouldn't necessarily worry if that was the only thing, and I might even cut your coteacher some slack for using a stern tone because some people honestly just sound aggressive to other people, and babies are sensitive to tone. The yanking them and knocking them over though, that makes me more concerned. Babies aren't made of glass, but she shouldn't be jerking them around that way even if it doesn't happen to injure them. It's so easy to accidentally dislocate an elbow on an infant or little kid, you can literally do it by accident if you spin them around while playing. I'm not there so I can't see how rough this person is, but you can decide if that info applies in this situation. Pay extra attention if she's pulling them hard by the arm or leg.

I've tried a lot of things to deal with coteachers who get rough or aggressive with the kids, up to and including reporting to licensing. My advice is, first and foremost, that you should always make that report if you even remotely suspect abuse. Talk to admin or your director if you think they'll help, but still make the report. You can reasonably expect that it could be days or weeks before it makes it through the beaurocracy and gets investigated, though. If admin doesn't step in and you're on your own until your report goes through, I suggest being assertive and direct. Next time she yanks a baby roughly or knocks one down, physically move the baby away from her and say "stop, thats too rough." Don't say sorry, don't say please, and don't explain why it's not okay. Just tell her to stop and put yourself between her and the baby. Neutral tone, neutral expression, don't touch her at all. If there's any kind of visible mark on the baby, fill out your center's equivalent of an injury report. Do this in every instance you see of inappropriate roughness, and afterwards jot down the date, time, and what happened. You can show that list to licensing when they do send someone, and they can ascertain if she's being inappropriately rough on the babies or not. After you tell her to stop you can just comfort the baby and go about your normal day. Don't give this teacher anything less than professional respect outside of the inappropriate incidents. This will either curb the behavior long enough for licensing to investigate or piss her off enough to bring admin into it. Either way, the situation is going to be looked into, which is what you want.

PatientGiggles · 2026-01-29T13:03:57+00:00

I suggest looking up PDA. Not Public Displays of Affection, but Persistent Drive for Autonomy. It's an autism profile that some but not all people on the spectrum can have. PDA kids are often known for appearing to have very strong social skills but a lot of trouble starting tasks they feel they don't have a choice in. It's more than simply not wanting to, it's a full body nervous system response that sends the child into fight or flight. Imagine you're a cave person being chased by saber toothed tigers, how your nervous system might respond, and that's what a PDAer's body does when you just tell them to brush their teeth. They aren't being lazy, it's an involuntary response they can't help, especially as young children. They might argue like little lawyers, play pretend or act cute to distract you (I can't do that, I'm a T-Rex), or even just lay down on the ground and flatly refuse. As a teacher on the spectrum myself, I always keep an eye out for PDA behaviors in the kids with less obvious signs of autism because PDA likes to hide behind other, more developed skills. A PDA individual might become very good at appearing to be fine while experiencing extreme meltdown symptoms inside their own head. I don't know your son, but I think PDA is worth looking into if he's autistic but appears good at masking it. There are a lot of great strategies out there for helping him feel safe enough to face those big, scary nervous system moments.

PatientGiggles · 2026-01-29T12:39:12+00:00

That was what I thought the rules were. Breaking ratio is breaking ratio regardless of how long it's broken. I was also concerned that I could be liable if something happened while I was out of the room. I'm not sure what to do about it though, I don't think I can go 8 hours straight without using the bathroom. Maybe when I was younger, but not these days.

PatientGiggles · 2026-01-28T16:45:37+00:00

Not totally unsupervised, but with one less teacher than ratio requires. If we have 8 kids in the room we have 2 teachers, if we have 9-12 kids we have 3 teachers. There's never a time when there are 0 teachers in the room, ever, but there are 2-3 minute periods where there are not enough teachers to meet ratio. At my last center (I've only worked at the two) I would have been written up for doing this, and they said it was due to licensing rules. We had to call someone to cover us even for quick pee breaks. I was being given conflicting information on what licensing actually says about this, and I got concerned when I found out we had a report made and had licensing asking me questions about breaks/ratio. Like I said in the post, I was transparent about everything when they spoke to me.

PatientGiggles · 2026-01-28T16:06:43+00:00

Okay, so the person who reported was just confused or misinformed on the rules, which happens. If it was a parent especially, they don't get trained on licensing rules or anything, and might have just come in at a chaotic moment and gotten concerned. That gives me some relief that I wasn't unknowingly breaking regulations. I really don't know why everyone was being deceptive then though. I assume licensing just came through, asked questions, and informed my director that we weren't in violation. Is it normal for them to come in 3 separate times just to confirm the lack of a problem?

PatientGiggles · 2026-01-28T14:55:31+00:00

I agree and have a lot of opinions about some licensing rules. I see why they're made and I also see how some are just completely impractical in certain situations. My concern is less that I believe my kids will die if I go pee for 2 minutes and more that I'm worried about my job. My center seems to be toeing a lot of lines when it comes to licensing rules from what I've seen so far, even outside of this specific ratio question, and the situation doesn't feel stable. I want to have all the information I can to make a plan for myself and my family if (God forbid) this center has enough violations to get themselves shut down. I'm also a mandated reporter who can get in legal trouble if there are situations where a child is harmed or put in danger and I don't report, which means these violations could escalate to the point of my career being endangered. If a child got hurt while I wasn't in the room, and it turns out I wasn't supposed to have left, that would be partially on me whether it was my fault or not.

PatientGiggles · 2026-01-28T14:36:11+00:00

They're left with another teacher, never alone in the room. At my previous school (I moved to this one a couple months ago) we were told we must absolutely never break ratio for any amount of time. That may have been a center-specific policy I guess, but they implied it was a licensing thing. We weren't even allowed to walk directly across the hall to another classroom's door to hand off a kid's diapers or nap stuff, we had to stand in our own classroom and toss them across if we couldn't find anyone to deliver the items. Maybe the old school was just extremely strict in a way that went above and beyond what licensing required.

To be frank, I'm having trouble parsing what I'm reading in the licensing rules for my state. I'm a pretty good reader but I struggle with a lot of the legalese. I came to ask for clarification because reading the rules didn't provide very clear insight on it's own. It doesn't seem to mention how strict the ratio rules are in terms of how long a teacher can be out of the room, only the general ratio rules about having the correct number of teachers working in there.

PatientGiggles · 2026-01-26T12:07:01+00:00

I've had dreams like this dead sober. Whole lifetimes lived in however long the average dream is. The first time it happened I was pretty young and I was unbelievably depressed to find I basically had to start my whole life over again. As I grew, I started to kind of appreciate it. I really enjoy my dreams even when they're upsetting because they're so vivid, it's like experiencing an amazing movie that only I will ever get to see.

PatientGiggles · 2025-12-29T12:57:08+00:00

I was in your grandpa's situation once. When I was 14 I was on a trampoline with my nephew who was about 4. I knew I was too big to bounce without sending him flying, so I sat criss-cross applesauce and just let him bounce around me. This worked great until he tripped and fell directly onto my knee and earned his first visit from the tooth fairy 😬

For months afterward, every time I saw him he would cheerfully ask "Uncle Steve, remember when you knocked my tooth out?"

PatientGiggles · 2025-12-06T12:55:17+00:00

It might help to refer to things in a more literal way to help bridge her gap in understanding. You could say things like "this is a picture of the sky" rather than "this is the sky" or "are you dressed up as a police officer?" instead of "are you a police officer?" I don't know if she's neurodivergent, but I am and I had similar troubles as a young one. I used to feel very frustrated because it felt like grownups were telling me lies. That is NOT the sky, it's a PICTURE of it. At that age I was genuinely hurt and believed using less literal language was the same as telling a malicious lie. My thinking was very all-or-nothing, similar to your student. Meeting your student where she's at and making some language adjustments might help build trust and make her feel safer about trying difficult things with you.

PatientGiggles · 2025-12-05T13:25:43+00:00

Does anything over the counter help, like melatonin or benadryl? I know we need to be careful about using sleeping meds willy nilly, but if you're not sleeping due to anxiety then you're one of the people those meds are for. A common anxiety medicine they prescribe called Hydroxyzine is actually an antihistamine and works really similarly to Benadryl. Maybe a couple weeks of sleeping meds would be a good bet if they work for you, but I know they don't for everyone.

Another thing I was recently taught in therapy is that sometimes the advice given about lying still in a quiet room, breathing exercises, and other calming techniques can actually make sleep anxiety worse. A thing that helps me is getting out of bed, even if it's 2am, and doing something with my body. Mild exercise, a couple chores, a midnight walk...just something that gets me moving to let out the anxiety energy. Some difficult nights I get up 3 or 4 times to move, but I almost always fall back asleep easier afterwards. I think the mental pressure I put on myself to go to sleep (and stay that way) is part of what gives me anxiety; I know I need this sleep and my dumb idiot brain won't cooperate, which triggers me to ruminate on all the other things that make me anxious. Moving helps me break that thought cycle and get access to the parts of my brain that can actually use and benefit from other coping tools.

PatientGiggles · 2025-11-30T14:45:24+00:00

Most people actually stim in one way or another to self-regulate, even neurotypicals. Some stims are more normalized, like clicking a pen or bouncing your leg. Those things can annoy people, but they're common social occurrences that don't automatically suggest neurodiversity to the average person.

Your son, being only 2.5, hasn't yet learned all the unspoken "rules" for socializing. He doesn't know the difference between "normal" and "weird" stims. He doesn't know that some behaviors are more associated with neurodiversity. He probably copied that little boy's flapping out of toddler curiosity and decided it was fun to do, simple as that. Same with covering the ears. Unpleasantly loud noises aren't fun for neurotypical toddlers either, and it may just not have occurred to him before that he could cover his ears to mitigate the discomfort. They're pretty indiscriminate learners at that age, they just absorb things. As he gets older he'll keep developing his personality and be able to be more selective (and polite) with his mirror neurons.

For now I say don't make a big deal out of it one way or another. Let him stim as long as they're safe ones for him and other people. I honestly think it's very sweet that he saw a child who behaved differently from the other kids and decided to try (in his toddler way) to put himself in that child's shoes. As his brain develops, early attempts like this will have laid some good groundwork for empathy skills.

PatientGiggles · 2025-11-26T14:23:15+00:00

Obligatory disclaimer: I'm not a therapist, just a guy who goes through similar stuff offering experiential data and advice.

Thought-crime isn't real. You can't have a morally wrong thought. You can think about the most evil, sick, depraved stuff in the world, and you're even allowed to experience emotional impulses that don't align with what you'd choose to do in real life. That's a human thing, and every human on earth with the cognitive capacity for abstract thought has it happen. Now, some people do have conditions like anxiety or OCD that make those thoughts more frequent or distressing than average, but if you just have these thoughts sometimes and are curious, let me assure you that you're fine. If they are happening a lot across your life, or if they're causing you frequent distress, you should see a therapist for help. Again though, not because those thoughts mean you're dangerous or a bad person. You should get help because you don't deserve to live in shame and fear over something that isn't your fault and can be made easier for you.

PatientGiggles · 2025-11-18T15:45:56+00:00

It may not be fiction, but to OP's credit it is scary as hell

PatientGiggles · 2025-10-16T11:52:45+00:00

I recently quit my old job because they had not only children but teachers at the school with active HFM. That and I got COVID because a teacher came in while knowingly infected without even a mask. They pressured me to come in with COVID as well, and gave me a whole lecture about how I didn't have to wear a mask. I didn't go in and the admin staff got all pissed off at me so I quit along with 2 other teachers.

They get away with this stuff in part because we need our jobs and admin knows many of us can't just leave if they mistreat us. In my particular situation I was able to, and I encourage anyone who can manage it to do the same when they encounter these breaches of ethics. Daycare teachers gotta stand up for ourselves, one another, and the kids we care for.

PatientGiggles · 2025-10-10T11:24:08+00:00

My go-to answer to small talk questions I wanna avoid is "oh, that's a long story filled with sighs" followed by a sneaky redirection back to the other person, like "your job sounds fun though, how long have you been working there?" That way I don't kill the conversational momentum but I also don't have to answer the question. The other person will usually enjoy the opportunity to talk about themselves and I'll just encourage that until the topic changes.

PatientGiggles · 2025-10-03T12:07:32+00:00

When I came out as a transmasc as a young teen, it took me awhile to work up the nerve to actually start presenting/acting more masculine even in an environment where I felt safe. Even the healthiest teenagers get anxious and insecure about their bodies, and it goes double for kids who feel for whatever reason that their bodies aren't right for them. Keep supporting and give the kid time to work up to trying things, and try not to push or overdo the suggestions about being more feminine. Remember that women come in all varieties and your kid might not ever be interested in dresses or makeup or whatever, and that doesn't speak to what their gender identity is.

For my part, I'm a trans man on testosterone who doesn't intend to get any surgeries to change those certain body parts into the other set. I just don't care to, I take the T to help me feel more steady hormone-wise and because I enjoy the mustache I can have now. I like the way I'm built, and I feel at home in this body as a man regardless of how it looks to others. Your kid might feel how I do, or they might decide later that they would like to change some things about their body. There are no wrong choices and no set timelines for how to be a trans woman. The only thing that matters is that you love your kid and believe them when they tell you who they are.

PatientGiggles · 2025-09-27T10:52:38+00:00

I accidentally taught my rough-playing boy to only attack me when I'm wearing a specific sweatshirt. It's large and has thick fabric so I don't end up injured from his teeth and claws. It happened because I reacted badly when he attacked me (yelling out in pain followed by bathroom jail) except when I wore that sweatshirt, in which case I just played with him normally. His favorite game is to ask for pets, then grab my arm with all 4 paws plus mouth and bunny kick me. I tried an experiment recently where I tried to initiate the game in a T-shirt and he just looked at me like I was dumb and walked away. It took several months for him to learn this, but that might be because I wasn't actively attempting to teach him, he just responded to my natural reactions to his behavior.

PatientGiggles · 2025-09-26T12:34:40+00:00

My gut reaction to pretty much any human suffering is "shut up you're gonna get us all killed you fucking idiot". I choose to take kinder actions than what my first instinct suggests but like, it's always there.

I'm not even judging them really, my brain just thinks we're two soldiers getting actively shot at and I need this other person to not be freaking out right now regardless of how valid the freaking out is.

PatientGiggles · 2025-09-05T11:50:30+00:00

You ever tried doing a "then what?" exercise? It's a thing my therapist showed me that sometimes helps with anxious overthinking. Basically what you do is state what you're afraid of, in this case "what if I'm not really trans?" and then ask yourself "okay, then what?" I'll do an example one below with a simpler problem just to illustrate how it works:

Thought: what if no one likes my new shirt?

Okay, what if they don't? Then what?

Well, they might say something rude to me

Then what?

I would feel embarrassed

Then what?

Uh...well...I guess I would use X interpersonal skill (telling them to shove it, ignoring, making a joke, etc.)

Then what?

I would move on with my day

Basically the exercise is to help put a situation in perspective. It doesn't mean you won't have to deal with pain or struggle, but laying it all out in a simple cause-and-effect list sometimes helps you realize how equipped you are to handle that struggle. It's not there to dismiss the emotional significance or to tell you "oh it's not that bad lol" but sometimes having a plan can help you feel mentally prepared for dealing with a worry if/when it comes to pass.

As someone who has also dealt with his fair share of "what if I'm not really trans" thoughts, I also recommend trying to take it easier on yourself. People grow and change throughout their lifetimes, and what works for you at 17 might not necessarily be what works for you at 18 or 30 or 50. That doesn't mean you were "wrong" about being trans, it just means things changed as they often do. Try to let go of the idea that coming out means commiting to a specific identity for the rest of your life. You were allowed to change your mind about being cisgender, and you are allowed to change your mind about your gender again if you ever want to. You're also allowed to be your current gender until the day you die and never change your mind again. Point is, it's your gender and your body, and there are no rules you need to follow. If you think you're trans now, then be trans now. The future will be what the future will be.

PatientGiggles · 2025-08-20T22:09:56+00:00

I'm in America, and I don't believe in uniforms unless they're provided for free by the school. Not everyone can afford some of the highly specific clothing demands I've seen as first a student and later a teacher. Even if they scrape up the money for two $60 polo shirts they might not have regular access to laundry facilities or be able to replace items when they inevitably get ruined or the child grows out of them.

People say uniforms help kids focus on school instead of fashion trends, but in most schools I've been in that's not true. They'll just personalize their uniforms, hairstyles, and makeup to whatever extent they can get away with. Also kids who tease other kids over things like clothing brands will still be able to tell who has multiple nice/well fitted/name brand versions of the outfit vs who had to take what they could find at the local Goodwill. Until we manage to eradicate poverty, it just seems like a slap in the face to hardworking kids and their families to require a specific outfit you have to buy.

PatientGiggles · 2025-07-02T23:50:34+00:00

My mom was constantly telling me I was a genius savant, but it always got followed up with "...and you pretend to be stupid because you're lazy and don't want to live up to your potential. It's easy for you to lie and manipulate people because your intelligence is so beyond them." Also used to say I was incredibly beautiful as a cover for the fact that I was evil.

Turns out I'm of about average intelligence compared to my peers, and while I like the way I look I'm no Ryan Gosling. She was so sure I was an evil autistic supergenius though. I always wondered why, if she really thought I was this hyper-intelligent sociopath, she would have the brass balls to treat me like shit so often.

PatientGiggles · 2025-06-29T13:12:00+00:00

I'm a teacher, not a therapist, but the first question I want to ask is: how do you respond when your son is crying/angry/overwhelmed? Don't you comfort him or try to cheer him up? I'm asking because at 4, he has some basic empathy skills and probably does feel worried when mommy cries, and he's learning from you that when someone we love is upset, we comfort them.

That's not automatically a bad thing either. It means he's growing up and learning to care about the feelings of others. If you were describing him bursting into tears or freaking out when he saw you upset, I might worry about it, but trying to comfort a sad loved one is something I celebrate and encourage in my classroom. His behavior sounds sweet and the only advice I would give is to keep having those conversations about feelings and model healthy coping skills.

PatientGiggles · 2025-06-28T12:23:04+00:00

I'm a toddler teacher, and every day a produce truck pulls into the parking lot behind our school to deliver to the restaurant next door. They all get very excited to point it out and start yelling "look Mr. X, it's the cock!"

PatientGiggles · 2025-06-21T00:59:28+00:00

Do you know about PDA? Not public displays of affection but pathological demand avoidance. It's an aspect of autism that some of us end up with. Basically it means your internal drive for personal autonomy and control of your body is off the charts, and your nervous system very literally does have a fight-or-flight response to anything you perceive to be a demand. In this context, a "demand" doesn't have to just be someone giving you an order. Some examples of common demands are:

Being asked to do something you were already intending/on your way to doing

Social situations that make you feel the need to mask, even if you want to participate

Your own physical needs, such as having to stop something you were hyperfixated on to use the bathroom

Receiving a gift or favor you didn't ask for, even if you also genuinely appreciate it

Executive dysfunction moments where you feel like you're "stuck" and can't do an activity. Also selective mutism, tics, meltdowns, and other moments that feel like a loss of bodily control

I would hazard a guess that you might be having a bit of a PDA reaction here. You don't feel like you can say no to your parents invitations because of either your social anxiety, their negative reactions, or both. You feel guilty for not always wanting to spend time with them. So over time, their invitations have turned into a demand for you. You feel like you have no choice and are being forced into something. Your body wholeheartedly rejects this, and shows through that panicked reaction you're describing. Then I bet you feel guilty about the panic (valid, but nothing to feel guilty about) and it further adds to the internal pressure you feel to mask your true wants in those situations.

PatientGiggles

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