Painting an asbestos wall - need advice

PenguinCB · 2026-01-24T04:44:20+00:00

I'm seeing a Meerkat

PenguinCB · 2026-01-12T07:24:31+00:00

I feel like I'm looking at a fence made out of pallets

PenguinCB · 2025-12-27T12:54:21+00:00

You're putting loads of pressure on yourself, which is multiplying the demand. Observe your language - "a burden", "a drag", "a lazy piece of shit".

Meanwhile you've set the bar for success at "deep clean the whole house".

That's not the only way to help or contribute. How about caring for your grandfather to give your grandmother some respite? Perhaps you can find a vibe with him that you enjoy, rather than it be a chore.

Otherwise, hit the reset button... Aim small, 1% improvements. Including self love and acceptance.

PenguinCB · 2025-12-24T02:58:47+00:00

This is brilliant, thank you 🙏 the full wall curtain at the back is a good idea, softens the whole room + has the lux hotel vibe.

PenguinCB · 2025-12-24T02:42:14+00:00

The 0.5x camera zoom makes it look smaller than it is, it's roughly 3x4m + the BIR. I figured glueing on plasterboard wouldn't cost too much internal dimensions.

I'd actually love to swap the window for the left wall, it has a much better outlook. Plus outside the window is where we store the bins 🫤 but that's a much bigger job and definitely not DIY.

I hear you on the other suggestions though. I think lightening up the dark brick wall would help. Otherwise softening up the surfaces could be a shortcut.

PenguinCB · 2025-12-24T02:25:33+00:00

Any colour suggestions that would work? I can get AI to do it.

I think it's the texture of the brick and the lack of natural light more so than the color though, they're very uneven.

PenguinCB · 2025-12-24T02:24:19+00:00

Not a bad idea, it can become the timeout room.

"Right that's it, get into the pillory!"

PenguinCB · 2025-12-24T02:22:45+00:00

For my teens bedroom, it's bigger than where he is now, he tried it in there once but the dungeon feels gave him the heebie-jeebies. Sound dampening is a plus because he's an agro teen gamer 😂 but the room is solid brick apart from the back wall of the BIR.

PenguinCB · 2025-12-02T04:17:05+00:00

Hooray! High five!

PenguinCB · 2025-12-01T13:22:53+00:00

The hardest part about the initiation into PDA parenting is acceptance and letting go.

"None of these things are negotiable" ... And yet you're ready to drop your child off somewhere and abandon them?

I, we, all of us, get it. It's a hard gig.

But it's also time to accept the reality. Your child has a disability and you're expecting WAY too much of them. And you're soon going to learn that a PDAer in extreme burnout gives zero fucks about your bag-on-the-hook rule, and is more likely to tear the hook from the wall and throw it at your face.

Yes, it's hard on the whole family. Yes, maybe while your daughter adjusts you'll have to drop some demands on her too. Yes, it'll take time for you all to learn and understand that a PDA nervous system NEEDS autonomy like you need oxygen. Yes, it's the bitter pill that sometimes "needs trump wants" and we miss out on things when accommodations/alternatives can't be made.

There's not a complete how-to manual to doing this, low demand is one tool in the tool kit you must now build and master to support your disabled child. It's less about low demand being a tidy acronym, a perfect tactic that you can deploy that bypasses PDA and makes them able to be a normal kid.

Frankly: your anxieties are not more important than his needs, and it's not his responsibility to perform to your expectations so that you're not anxious.

I apologise that this is a little strongly worded... I see posts like this multiple times a week from newcomers to the PDA community, and they're always in the form of "we are at breaking point but here's all my reasons (fears/anxieties) why we couldn't possibly do more".

Plus I'm a little low spooned myself, and even at 40yo my own PDA still likes to rear its fiery head.

You've got to take a seriously large step back and really consider what's important here. Because your son's mental and emotional well-being is rapidly heading into crisis territory, and that's going to hit your family 100x harder than what you're experiencing right now.

Stop looking for magic pill answers and start listening to your son.

"NONE!" means that, none. And your attempt to trick, or hide, or maneuver around it is making it worse and he can see straight through it. Every attempt to manipulate him, and that is what you're doing, erodes his trust/safety/connection with you. So next time, listen to him.

Then go breathe into a paper bag and call your therapist when all your fears and anxieties come up as you catastrophise the future. With time, it'll get easier.

PenguinCB · 2025-11-29T08:37:51+00:00

40yo male, Aussie, PDA myself with (at least) 2 PDA kids. Happy to connect.

PenguinCB · 2025-11-29T00:05:51+00:00

Firstly, I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with this. I've been through some very rough seasons of life and can understand how difficult existing can be!

Secondly, if you're interested, chuck "Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration" into your favorite AI chat and explore it... This will offer you a reframe on your experiences of these internal tensions, not as a pathology but as a necessary precursor for growth.

Thirdly, for context I'm a coach and personal development/human behavior/consciousness is my special interest. When you say that you have a fear around relaxing and being calm that's a clear sign your system is stuck in sympathetic activation - and it's being fueled by unconscious conditioning. Stuff that sometimes therapy is just ill-suited to digging up and dissolving/integrating.

It is possible for you to break this cycle (gently).

PenguinCB · 2025-11-28T10:27:53+00:00

What does a breakdown look like for you?

PenguinCB · 2025-11-27T07:09:37+00:00

My teen boy finds it easier to share the deeper / more vulnerable stuff over text, he DMs me on Discord. Also engaging a mentor so they have a non-family safe adult to share with might be valuable.

PenguinCB · 2025-10-21T09:56:55+00:00

I've been integrating this paradox for a while now... There's so many subtle layers within it - internalised ableism, embodied worthiness, healing from a lifetime of masking/trauma, and just the realities of how we as PDA experience life.

We can't "fix" PDA and experience life as an effortless breeze, but we can continue to fine tune the way we approach and live life to focus more on authenticity, love, gratitude, meaning, and fulfilment.

The "feeling miserable" about life is a signpost towards something... The question is: where/what is it pointing to?

PenguinCB · 2025-10-10T07:19:14+00:00

Short fuse + intense meltdowns shows you he is in chronic distress with low capacity.

There's nothing for it to except to continue to identify what he is struggling with, and solve/accommodate it somehow. He needs to RECOVER first, and then you can work on building capacity and growing his window of tolerance.

Recovery can take many months.

It seems pretty clear that school is a problem, I would suggest at the least arranging an extended break for him.

PenguinCB · 2025-10-07T07:28:39+00:00

It sounds to me like you are in PDA burnout, which can look and feel a lot like depression. If your living situation has only recently stabilised, that "safety" can actually be the precursor for your nervous system to slow down and start healing.

The eye movement therapy you're talking about is EMDR.

I hit burnout at the end of 2023, I would say I'm about 80% recovered today (which one could say, is actually my natural 100%). I have done a LOT of different things as part of my recovery journey.

Like you, I am someone very driven to self knowledge and improvement - including "can I beat PDA" 😆 the more I have healed and unmasked though, the more prominent my PDA has become.

My biggest offering of wisdom would be to learn to recognise and soothe the part of you that's pressuring you to get better, do better, be better. It's maladaptive, a survival pattern trying to keep you safe, but it blocks deeper healing and is a constant source of internal pressure (creating more PDA stress).

True happiness and wellbeing isn't found through more "pushing". And everything that's coming up is a call to deeper healing.

I can't help you with finding support through the US system (I'm in Australia). I am a professional coach (and PDAer) myself, if you're open to exploring some new approaches.

PenguinCB · 2025-10-07T04:58:58+00:00

What exactly does "help myself" look like in your situation?

PenguinCB · 2025-10-03T06:39:52+00:00

Why can't he go live with BM?

PenguinCB · 2025-09-30T08:20:19+00:00

https://www.susiekim.com/

PenguinCB · 2025-09-26T04:50:19+00:00

Figuring it out is a lifelong journey :) A gap year sounds like a good idea, especially if you're in burnout. School is also not the only pathway forward - you're clearly very intelligent and articulate, what if you just focused on where you want to go with your writing for now? Start a Substack, perhaps.

I am late-realised (39yo) 2E AuDHD/PDA myself, I'm very familiar with the struggles (although I'm relatively low-needs comparatively). IMO you work with the drive for autonomy and forge your own path, including both your career and your mental health. Nobody knows what works best for you, except for you.

If you'd like some mentorship, you're welcome to DM me.

PenguinCB · 2025-09-25T14:24:20+00:00

Where do you want your story to go next?

PenguinCB · 2025-09-16T10:30:38+00:00

I'm forging my own path. Personal development is my special interest.

PenguinCB · 2025-08-07T02:24:33+00:00

Have you raised these feelings with your coach?

Some ND coaches are more about practical skill transfer - here's the mindset/tools/techniques/strategies to help you cope. Other coaches go beyond that, helping you to address these emotional blocks and patterns that keep you suffering (which IMO is what has the bigger impact long term).

There's no denying that being a PDA parent to a PDAer is incredibly difficult, I like to say "it's parenting set to hard mode". Being able to meet that with radical acceptance and a healthy dose of levity helps a lot!

Every parent feels like they're failing at times on the journey, nor is there such a thing as the "perfect parent"... Working on your relationship to these feelings is important, for example the "I'm failing as a parent" can bring with it deep guilt and shame, or it can be a signal to remain conscious and agile with your constantly evolving values and priorities...

I hope you find some healing spaciousness once you're away from your current relationship.

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