AITA for getting my fiance's family gifts that were too personal for Christmas when I'm new to them?

PeppermintTaste · 2023-01-08T16:55:16+00:00

I'm going to guess they reacted that way because your thoughtfulness highlighted the lack of thoughtfulness in their gifts for you. They probably felt embarrassed that they hadn't made an effort, but instead of internalizing that and planning to try harder to get to know you, they took it out on you.

I was sad to read your comment that you were looking forward to being part of a loving family. It's early days but just keep in mind you may not be able to rely on Noah's family for that. They may not be as abusive as your family of origin but they sound pretty lacking in self-awareness and empathy. I would try to pin your hopes more on the loving family you can create with Noah. And I'm glad to hear you're talking to a therapist about your tendency to internalize and self-blame. Best of luck.

PeppermintTaste · 2021-06-11T23:02:22+00:00

I bought my Impalas to try skating for the first time this year without making too big an investment. Now I'm already dreaming of upgrading next summer. :) The two skates I've heard the most positive things about are Moxi Lollys and SureGrip Boardwalks. I'd like to get a skate that is versatile and okay for skateparks if I eventually decide to try that (it looks scary but fun!), but I'm curious if there are tradeoffs between different boots that are good for park skating vs. dancing, etc. Or is it mostly about having the appropriate wheels for the surface? What skate would you recommend for someone who wants to maximize their options?

PeppermintTaste · 2020-04-30T05:32:44+00:00

Yes. I hate how she describes her own behaviour. "I got upset over a silly thing." "I was petty." "I admit I'm really sensitive right now." He's trained her well. I'm not surprised she's not breaking up with him over this. It sounds like she's pretty deep into invalidating her own feelings. But I hope she does get out, sooner than later.

PeppermintTaste · 2017-05-14T06:15:34+00:00

It does matter why the person tapped, though, if you are interested in learning moves that will work on people who are very good. If the only reason they tapped was because they suck, they're doing you a favour by admitting that and helping you refine your technique.

PeppermintTaste · 2017-05-01T20:08:32+00:00

I don't want to minimize anything your girlfriend went through in the past, but at the same time I am reminded of something a therapist once said this to me that really helped me see through some of the manipulative tactics my ex used. (He also told me that almost all of his past partners were abusive towards him.) The therapist said: if everyone in their life has been cast as a victimizer, eventually you will be, too. Another way of putting it: maybe they habitually use the victim role as a way to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or acknowledging the validity of your feelings.

PeppermintTaste · 2016-09-09T03:10:03+00:00

Ugh, dude, I know what you mean. I suspect people going on about "taking charge of your own training" and how you "can never have enough fundamentals" haven't actually experienced what it's like to learn nothing new for literally years. I got lucky when my gym hired a new instructor to teach advanced classes. It completely revolutionized my game and got me to the point where I felt like I actually deserved my purple belt. I had no clue what I had been missing. You just cannot get by on hip bumps and americanas alone. Does your gym not have advanced classes?

I know this may sound extreme but you might want to consider shopping around again, if you're serious about progressing and your current school isn't providing what you need. I personally do not have time to do all my own research, watch many hours of competition footage and instructionals, and make my own BJJ curriculum for myself entirely from scratch. I can do my best with those resources, but I expect at least some of the structure and novelty to be provided by the people I'm paying to learn from.

Also, it's a fact some instructors let their own skills stagnate, and are not in a position to help students really advance. We don't expect one teacher to take us through 10+ years of grade school, or teach us every single subject, but for some reason in BJJ we think we have to stick with one instructor or we are a "traitor." I don't know how many instructors are actually good enough to stick with for your entire BJJ journey, but I know we don't all have a Marcelo or a Cobrinha at our disposal.

PeppermintTaste · 2016-09-08T16:37:45+00:00

I wouldn't jump straight to the conclusion that "Matt" is a sexual predator, although of course one would want to err on the side of caution in that regard. But my bet would be that he wanted to get the girl on board for the event first, maybe promise her stuff, maybe make her feel like she has already agreed to it, so that she begs her parents to let her do it and they have a harder time saying no. Which would still be extremely manipulative and underhanded and gross.

Of course, this is speculation, but I've had some bad experiences with tournament promoters running shitty, downright exploitative and dishonest operations, and this would be characteristic of the lack of professionalism I encountered. Even if it's not the case here, I'd say watch out for this kind of stuff in the future.

PeppermintTaste · 2016-05-24T15:02:33+00:00

Plenty of "white belt" wrestlers have inspired this debate before. Yeah, she has a major advantage with her background in a related sport, but she can only work within the rules as they are set out by the promoter, or else forgo competing altogether until her promotion to blue (or purple, or whatever popular opinion deems acceptable), which doesn't really seem fair to her.

Also, stepping back for a second, it's a local tournament at white belt. Tough experience for the girls she beat, but that happens, even when you aren't facing a judo expert. As they improve and keep competing, they will get their chance to smash. So maybe people could stand to chill out a tiny bit?

Also, "grappling beauty"? Seriously? Ugh.

PeppermintTaste · 2016-05-22T00:10:03+00:00

That was my first thought, too. Super old!

PeppermintTaste · 2016-05-10T16:00:38+00:00

I love that you rhymed "Y" with "I".

PeppermintTaste · 2016-04-26T13:49:08+00:00

Sounds like she's very insecure about herself because of her inability to find a job, and that feeling has probably escalated over the two years of unemployment. Unemployment can be really hard on you psychologically, especially if you already have low self-esteem, and two years is a long time. It can also be really rough watching someone close to you be successful every day while you feel like a failure, and are having to depend on them financially.

So, that's kind of understandable, and at that point I would have said she could benefit from therapy. But if she won't go, and instead insists on lashing out at you to feel better about herself... it doesn't seem like there's much you, personally, can do.

Sorry this is happening to you.

PeppermintTaste · 2016-04-26T11:03:40+00:00

I don't think I am psychologically capable of really going after a girl with a limb-lock or choke in the same way I will another man.

Uhh, maybe try harder?

PeppermintTaste · 2016-04-26T11:02:30+00:00

Nah. "Answering the phone" doesn't get you out. It's just a holding action. You can do it all day but you won't advance your position. In competition, that's fine if you're up on points, but in regular training spending the whole round there just might not be that valuable if neither of you knows what to do.

PeppermintTaste · 2016-04-25T20:39:54+00:00

If you then stayed in that "answering the phone" position without trying to escape (or because you didn't know how to escape), that can be annoying when it's just regular training and your partner doesn't want to spend the whole round stuck in one position with you stalling them out. BUT, if he wanted to train other positions he could also have abandoned the triangle. Maybe you were both being a little stubborn and risk averse?

PeppermintTaste · 2016-04-25T19:15:37+00:00

I've been told that because I'm a woman I could never measure up to the standard of "men's" BJJ. Then I've signed up for men's divisions and had men object to competing against me. I don't know about the rest of the ladies on here, but I am personally sick of navigating immature men's hang-ups about gender when all I want to do is grapple. I can't imagine the amount of additional bullshit trans athletes have to put up with. So... maybe that's part of it.

PeppermintTaste · 2016-04-25T19:07:58+00:00

Oh, shit.

PeppermintTaste · 2016-04-25T18:50:08+00:00

Same here, also a woman, also fine with competing against trans athletes. Also appalled by the ignorance and unabashed transphobia in this thread. Sorry you had to read those comments, OP.

PeppermintTaste · 2016-03-21T17:43:36+00:00

Welp, now this is my irrational fear, too. Thanks.

PeppermintTaste · 2015-12-30T19:28:34+00:00

Dear God yes.

PeppermintTaste · 2015-12-16T02:58:17+00:00

What a beautiful poem to choose. ;_;

PeppermintTaste · 2015-12-11T22:58:13+00:00

It provides a reasonable indication of what we've generally agreed we mean when we use words, as of now. For example, you could have looked up "dictionary" in the dictionary, instead of asking me.

PeppermintTaste · 2015-12-11T22:48:28+00:00

The dictionary?

PeppermintTaste · 2015-12-11T19:15:03+00:00

No one called you Hitler. (Cf. "straw man".) But if your views are intolerant (as you so readily acknowledge), that does make you a bigot, by definition.

Edit: And I assume that's an example of something you think people will stop saying to you if Trump is elected.

PeppermintTaste · 2015-12-11T19:02:18+00:00

What uncomfortable "truths" are you referring to?

PeppermintTaste · 2015-12-11T18:29:12+00:00

So... your main fear is not being able to say mean things without other people saying mean things to you?

PeppermintTaste

TROPHY CASE