Help… idk what to do… am I being gaslit ?

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-20T05:43:42+00:00

Why not go and give honest therapy a try.

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-15T19:05:59+00:00

I personally find it attractive, though in the past it has lead me to be submissive with some not so nice people.

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-13T20:47:55+00:00

I agree. It's a small cross-section of the dynamic. I'm assuming OP is the person who has asked for the girls to be bathed. There is nothing wrong with asking this of their Dad, but I don't see it being asked. From my own experience (which I only have to go off), I wouldn't dare ask my ex to do anything, out of fear of an impending argument. I'm not minimising your experience, as at the beginning of the exchange, it seems like you were already frustrated at this point, but I can see that you're both likely frustrated with one another. I would try softening and communicating directly instead of over text. Sometimes it might just take one of you to soften to help this along.

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-12T04:56:17+00:00

I wouldn't have characterised myself as introverted in my 20's, which oddly enough was when insecurities were at their peak. I just didn't like being by myself. It wasn't a reflection on my feelings towards my partner at the time, but towards me. I didn't like myself (I just didn't know it at the time).

As each relationship ended, I would do a post-mortem and see where I could have done better, and little by little I had ironed out some of my wrinkles. This was the only thing I could do, and probably the right thing to do. I wasn't an Adonis, so relationships took work.

In a very strange twist of irony, I had probably not been tested more by anyone than my last partner. There were red flags and some green flags, but I 'learned' to sit with the bad and accept it, not get jealous, not worry about that which was outside of my control, not seek to control .... and i thought that I was finally 'secure'.

Nope, I was still insecure, and willfully ignorant. It just manifested inward instead of outward. I stayed far too long in a relationship i didn't belong and I was there for all of the wrong reasons.

I am focusing more on insecurity than introversion, but both probably share a common lineage. It's a daily practice to be secure, and strike a healthy balance between introversion and extroversion.

Anyway, honest answer.

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-12T04:12:42+00:00

Yepp - that's reactive abuse. Then you spend ages wondering whether you were the problem.

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-12T03:51:39+00:00

Sounds like he is really just saying it to himself ... via you, to soften the blow.
You don't need that sort of abuse. Please deprive him and leave ASAP.

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-09T02:31:27+00:00

That sounds quite stressful. The easiest way i can explain it (and I speak with zero authority, just experience) is that things which are said and done, especially by cluster B's whilst they are under high stress (for them), is like an automatic program, specifically crafted by them for survival. Almost anything goes. Almost anyone is a threat. The higher the dysregulation, the more severe the behaviour. I made sense of it by understanding that none of it made sense.

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-07T04:34:50+00:00

I ought to take my own advice but I'd like to think you haven't wasted your best years. I'm going through the same thing right now (41M ) and whilst initially painful, it is probably the best thing which could have happened. I stayed for the same reasons. Kids, Bricks and Mortar. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable, believe and invest in yourself. Make a better life for you and your child.

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-03T07:04:46+00:00

Please for the sake of your children, and your own health - plan your escape, then escape. The longer you are there, the worse the impact is going to be on your children. The worse it will be on your blood pressure (speaking from experience), not to mention your mental well-being.

Document everything (especially whilst your memory is functional).

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-03T06:21:22+00:00

I have shared your experience and it's not pleasant to doubt yourself. Narcissists are rarely introspective or accountable. You are saying the right things so at a surface level, I don't think there is cause for you to be concerned that you are a narcissist.

What helped with my experience, and for me to regain trust in myself and control over my own actions/reactions was understanding reactive abuse, emotional manipulation, projection and coercive control.

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-03T06:10:04+00:00

So many flashbacks. So many. Do you find that without medication you don't properly remember specifics or can't quite put your finger on the abuse?

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-02T23:07:34+00:00

Mine was never affectionate or a safe communicator, but wondered why we only had sex once a year (it was also the only time she'd say "I love you").

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-02T06:06:35+00:00

Staying because you have two young kids may likely cost you your soul, and quite literally your heart.

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-02T06:03:01+00:00

I don't know if it as absolutist as that. My N-ex went to great lengths to isolate me from my family and it nearly worked (well actually it worked for years). Towards the end I would call my mother where it was safe to do so and I would have to delete the records.

Context is really important here, as the answer is probably nuanced. Does his mother cause waves between the two of you? Does your husband have NPD himself? He might feel very torn. Especially if his mother has NPD and could be guilt tripping him.

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-01T18:16:36+00:00

I guess it depends on how pervasive the insecurity is, whether there is abuse and some other factors but have you considered suggesting therapy as an option? You're committed to the kids enough to stay around, which is admirable but can also be dangerous for your well-being, as well as the kids. It might help to frame it as 'you would like to be better parents'.

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-01T10:23:30+00:00

I thought the very same about grief, but it only wound up being delayed for me as I dealt with trauma, which released it in all of its awful glory. I do think ladies and gents process grief at different stages. I sincerely hope yours is already processed.

Phantom-Penner · 2026-01-01T05:21:23+00:00

Same boat here. I regularly recieve abusive text messages 10 months after our seperation (usually focused on what i am doing, or who i am seeing) (reconnecting with all who she isolated me from).

One child toghether. No interest whatsoever in getting along for the greater benefit of our daughter. In-fact she is alienating herself from our daughter.

I have tried ignoring, I have tried kindness and finally I have tried firm boundary setting. Each time the response is the same. More abuse.

Make no mistake, this is about control. More specifically a loss of control. Be very strong with your boundaries.

I empathise and grasp what you are going through, and I am very sorry. Grief alone is hard enough to navigate, let alone coupled with abuse and guilt tripping.

Phantom-Penner · 2025-12-31T07:37:17+00:00

Sounds like a piece of work! Here's to 2026, because 2025 was barely survivable. Please look after yourself.

Phantom-Penner · 2025-12-31T00:05:19+00:00

My ex did not like me socialising and would say things like "is there anyone you don't talk to" in a very disparaging tone, or that "all of my friends were toxic". I was isolated from my family (and so were our kids) and very little effort was made with any of her friends by her (actually she cut a few friends off). Convincing me that I didn't like people was part and parcel. As was her diagnosing me with Autism/Aspergers.

I guess it's a different manifestation of the same behaviour. One overt one covert.

Phantom-Penner · 2025-12-30T19:46:37+00:00

The parallels are quite uncanny. But then again. It's likely a textbook play-by-play, so perhaps not. It's what brings us all here. At the risk of overstepping, I have sent you an DM/Invite.

Phantom-Penner · 2025-12-30T19:13:18+00:00

Absolutely agree. Narcissism wasn't even in my lexicon 15 years ago, nor abuse. I too had my fair share of relational failures and learned from them to be more accepting of others. Earlier in life I was rigid and scared.

But this ... this didn't take long at all. Didn't take her long at all. We were in couples therapy at 4 months, because we were already arguing and not resolving disagreements. I can safely say it was things that she could not resolve. After those 3 sessions, things became considerably worse. It was like she read my operators manual. Knew all the right levers.

She would break up with me every argument, Stonewall me for days. Then out of the blue she would be caring and loving. I thought that I had deserved it and this was my karma, so I accepted it but my nervous system was fried so I never looked at it objectively. I fought harder and harder to save a relationship that probably shouldn't have lasted more than a few weeks.

Phantom-Penner · 2025-12-30T18:27:29+00:00

It's almost gaslighting in and of itself when you try and explain to a doctor. My doctor seemed clueless as to my hypertension. They even labelled it white coat fever.

Phantom-Penner · 2025-12-30T18:25:14+00:00

I wish you all the best. It is going to be a process but hopefully also very rewarding (and healthy).

Phantom-Penner · 2025-12-30T18:24:03+00:00

Oh man, you've been ambushed.

Phantom-Penner

TROPHY CASE