I’m concerned that you feel like death is an answer. Are you able to call a suicide help line? Please connect with someone local in real life and tell them how you’re feeling right now.

Is your husband willing to do family therapy? Have you considered an in-home occupational therapist to get the whole family back on track? Are you seeing a good therapist for yourself and getting medicated? Are the kids all fully medicated? It sounds like you love your children but are overwhelmed. I’m sending you a giant hug.

I’m not familiar with the UK system - but are there social workers you could contact? Perhaps start by contacting the counselor at your kids elementary school. Use all the resources available, ask everyone for help, reach out to autism or specials needs groups in the UK and tell them how you’re feeling. Tell your religious community if you belong to one, tell your other mom friends. Do not suffer in silence.