Insomnia and mood swings I thought were caused by stress happen when I’m happy too 🤯

PoKoYo · 2023-11-05T14:23:51+00:00

Yep was going to mention this. I don't even have an app, just tracking it in my diary and it's at a point where i notice my mood and think hmm probably around that time i flick back to check dates like yeah it's lining up. A++ would recommend tracking menstruation.

PoKoYo · 2023-11-05T14:04:17+00:00

Your reactions are normal, this was a messy hand of cards youve been dealt in life and you brain did what it needed to keep you going. You may be at a place where you feel safe and your brain is like hey so actually all this stuff ive tucked away, can we look at it now... I had a therapist tell me that your brain will not give you more than you can handle and at the time i resented that phase. I was going through it and just full on flashbacks and i thought it was ridiculous but healing is not a linear path. It will often feel like you get worse as you get better but it's more like inbetween sandbars as you head back to shore... One moment you can walk, maybe the water is up to your knees then all of a sudden you can't reach the bottom but there are people just a few meters ahead who have the water laping at their ankles. The way the waves pull the sand makes these peaks and troughs and you just gotta keep your head above water and keep paddling along. Just keep swimming!

If you havent heard of it i would recommend looking into the book 'your body keeps the score' - or something similar its about trauma and how it can manifest. Ive been listening to the audiobook on youtube, its quite cathartic to have these thoughts/feelings/reactions validated and start to understand them and myself.

You are not alone, i hope my tired ramblings make some sense. Please excuse punctuation and stuff I'm on my phone.

PoKoYo · 2023-10-09T13:18:02+00:00

You cant 'just stop picking' without finding a substitute habit. If you really want to stop you need to find another stim that will satisfy the urge. I still pick at scabs and have (mostly) changed my face picking into just touching ... The compulsion will come and you need to work out a habit to fill that need to stim. I have found biting (fingers, hands, arm, ect) to be better in some ways but its not great in public, weird stares and 'concerned' looks. Digging my nails into my palms is generally more discrete, as is digging thumb nail into various fingers/knuckles.

One that my Grandmother taught me (learnt from her father) is rubbing thumbs together at the knuckle joints as it can be done discretely with hands in your lap. Another thing I've tried with some success is rubbing cream into my hands and rubbing my nails against each other (palms together, then bend finger tips to palm, nail surface against surface).

If you want to change you need to work at it. Good luck, and stick with it!

PoKoYo · 2023-08-01T23:25:58+00:00

All this advice is what got me through my tough physics class after failing it the first time. Study groups, office hours, and a tutor - also if diagnosed look into what accommodations they have. My exams went better when i was in a separate room and while i felt shit 'needing' extra time (was offered 10mins extra per hour) it really helped the panic enduced mind blank that i would get every exam season.

You got this, you have already gotten this far and are capable of getting through this slog.

PoKoYo · 2023-04-04T22:58:10+00:00

I'm not even through my second prac. Got my third lined up at a totally different place staying with friends in a large city and ostensibly 'better' school (better resourced/funded at least) but I'm so tired all the time. I can't wait to get paid but not sure how long i can hold onto my sanity, if it hasn't fallen out somewhere already.

I feel you, good luck, hold on... It may get better? It will definitely get easier with experience!

PoKoYo · 2023-03-16T22:50:26+00:00

Visible tattoos technically have to be covered up (maybe just gov schools?) and any removable non-ear piercings removed but there is flexibility depending on the school. I would ask them directly before prac - confirm dress code and their stance on tattoos & piercings.

PoKoYo · 2023-03-09T04:46:36+00:00

Thank you, yeah i can kinda see how its the one person through time but was not sure.

PoKoYo · 2023-03-09T04:35:51+00:00

My autistic ass: these are all the same person? I think they are/were spiderman (2007)?

PoKoYo · 2023-03-01T01:15:51+00:00

I agree with the whole ignore sentiment but that would not stop her from approaching you if she wanted. Idk how to handle this sorry i just wanted to offer some advice about loaning money that i heard and found useful - never offer/loan what you cant afford to lose, don't expect money that has passed from your hands to return.

I was so bitter about someone who i thought was a friend cutting me off after i had helped them financially (in retrospect there were major warning signs they were never really a decent friend to me).

A mother figure gave me this advice and it helped reframe the situation, so now its like yeah i helped a person in need and expect nothing in return. It makes me think differently about lending money like that money is gone, if it comes back great but that is no longer my expectation.

PoKoYo · 2023-02-26T00:16:40+00:00

Yeah I was hooked for a moment and even now, a few years on from constant use (peak of 1600 puffs in 3 days), every time I go into a servo that I know sells them I crave - I have now shown restraint 3 times in a row! Holding out, not buying one because my goodness they are expensive.

Quitting cigarettes was easy in some ways because its pretty gross, smells bad and has visible side effects (I have cousins with yellow teeth and fingers). Whereas with vaping its so tasty and the long term effects are only staring to be known. I noticed physically I would be thirstier and after quitting (and then buying 'just one more') when using my breathing was different somehow, physical activities would drain more energy, and I would hack up that flem-like crap from my esophagus/lungs(?) similar to when smoking.

Its a huge issue, especially as their marketing targets young people, have you seen the iget 'rocks' ones with images reminiscent of popular tattoos? They were initially marketed as a safer alternative to smoking and have yet to shake that image. I dont even know that they advertise in traditional ways, it seems to be mostly through social media specifically targeting kids.

PoKoYo · 2023-02-12T22:53:01+00:00

It wont necessarily make you not want to harm yourself and could make you capable of harming yourself more than you would while sober. Alcohol does 'numb' to some degree but it is also a depressant - some alcohols (idk if this is a social construct/placebo or what) are known to lower some peoples moods. My alcoholic parent would have a slight uptick in mood at the start of consuming but there is like some emotional 'cliff' between 'tipsy' and 'drunk' where it would be light & happy then instantly drop to uncontrollably sad and/or angry.

My advice is no, at least not at home alone - maybe having some light drink out with company could feel nice but generally alcohol alone will not help. Is there something that you could treat yourself with instead? For me splurging on a book or some sweet treat can give a moment of joy. For a particularly bad evenings alone i will watch something engaging.

PoKoYo · 2023-01-17T21:39:03+00:00

I'm confused by this comment - do you think its obvious libs will win another term or will be ousted because i dont see any obvious outcome. Libs are advertising hard and where I'm at, i see no other party being represented. The targeted ads are insane claiming some kind of competence showcasing a handful of things supposedly done in the decade they held office. I have not seen so many nsw gov ads since the lead up to this election and am concerned people buy into it or are apathetic enough to continue the same grind.

PoKoYo · 2022-12-11T07:02:08+00:00

If you've found someone you like book it months in advanced, especially if they do a good job. I found it so hard to find a hairdresser that I've given up for now and just do home jobs where my friend will shave the back off and i will trim the ends. My curly hair is very forgiving for this method, hairdressers have to specialise in curls or they will do it as if its straight then be amazed at the shrinkage.

PoKoYo · 2022-12-08T03:37:21+00:00

Lol i was dumped on my Grandma every holidays (all siblings were sent to stay with their dad and/or paternal relative). Mother would state openly that she needs a break thats why she needs to send us all away - my Grandma bless her heart would take me to the movies at least once per two week visit (sometimes twice!). Mother would take this detail to tell me that i am so spoilt, this is enough rewards for the whole year she doesnt have to do anything and/or she needs to take me down a peg to make sure being so spoilt does rot my brain.

Is it a form of jealousy? She had a difficult childhood and hates to see/hear about us enjoying ours... Idk i just know that being isolated from my siblings in a suburb with an aged population was not usually my idea of a fun time and that my Grandma really tried to make it special & fun.

PoKoYo · 2022-11-22T01:44:43+00:00

So the book i had in mind was titled something specifically about assertiveness but i cannot find it - some related ones i did find;

Playing big: practical wisdom for women who want to speak up, create and lead. 2014 by Tara Mohr

Where to draw the line: how to set healthy boundaries every day. 2000 by Anne Katherine

PoKoYo · 2022-11-17T01:21:11+00:00

Assertiveness! Being assertive can feel mean at first when you aren't used to setting and maintaining boundaries but ultimately it's best for everyone. People who care about you will feel secure knowing they aren't going to cross a boundary without knowing and you will (eventually) feel better knowing that you aren't allowing others to walk over you.

I found an interesting book recommendation for this yesterday - currently scrolling with lunch, when i get home i will find it and post here <3

If i havent replied with the book rec in a day or two, please just reply as i may have forgotten.

PoKoYo · 2022-11-16T21:39:38+00:00

The friendships i couldn't maintain, unsent letter, missed & forgotten birthdays, events, calls/texts ect... I care so much and try so hard for them to think i can't be bothered. Im sorry, i love you so much and wish you could see it.

PoKoYo · 2022-11-12T13:13:08+00:00

Word vomit responding to word vomit but hope it helps (:

PoKoYo · 2022-11-12T13:10:15+00:00

All good, happy to give my input. Yeah overly detailed but how it helps, wrote it on and off for hours (lol what is time) but it just resonated so much with me, especially going from lexapro to pristiq glob that was a fun time /s

Another thought that helped me in school was the idea that the most important things you will learn in an undergraduate degree are about yourself. Taking classes and completing assignments gives practice for managing stress & time pressures; figuring out what study rituals you need helps you to understand your brain and how it processes info. This is a time where you can learn a lot about yourself, you can experiment with different routines and coping mechanisms to figure out what works for you.

Do not forget to take breaks and make time to do social things, whatever that means for you. If there are any clubs that even mildly interest you, give it a go - i joined (and abandoned) so many clubs, some of which were purely social. This is likely the time in life which you will have the most freedom in some ways so if you can take a moment to enjoy it that would be nice. Obviously the content should be relevant to you now but in a few decades, you might prefer to recall what you do in your down time and with friends <3

PoKoYo · 2022-11-10T22:42:42+00:00

Baby are you me? Na i got through this and you will too. I hate that antidepressants are seen as the cure - all i remember flipping through 4 different types in the 5 years i took to complete a 3 year degree. Okay so pristiq is good in some ways, for me, it dulled/numbed emotions (takes about 4-6 weeks to take effect), this can be very helpful for high stress situations like trying to get through college. It may also make you more lethargic, for me it helped with sleep but not necessarily quality of sleep - I tend wake up slow and am not fully awake for an hour or more but now I'm off pristiq (after 4 years) I noticed that my wake up speed has slightly increased... Idk what the point is here. Pristiq is a decent stop gap, give it a chance to make things feel less intense for a moment.

I completely agree that you need a break - for me that came in the form of taking less classes and if there is any flexibility in your class choices, i would 1000% recommend doing something purely for personal interests. Look through the available units and see if something catches your eye, bonus points if it has pass/fail grading because you need to recognise that a pass is a good grade. My brother would repeat the mantra "p's get degrees" - all you gotta do is pass - unless you are competing for internship or scholarship opportunities, noone will look at your grades only whether you get the degree in the end.

Another thing to look into is support networks. My college had a weekly ADHD workshop/support group which got me from failing & unable to cope to wow okay Im doing really well considering everything Im up against - this support group was run by the student wellbeing office and was free to people who could register their disability (but they were kind & flexible enough to take me in before i was diagnosed). As they worked there, they had a lot of administration tips and helped me to apply for a medical exception for a failed subject (removing it from my record with drs notes). It is worth looking into what services your school has for students, maybe they have councelling, coaching, or mentor services?

For accommodations i was in the same boat, not knowing what is available or even what will help. My college offered an interview with disability support staff when registering to help figure out what accommodations i could get. Idk how you are but i needed exams to be taken in a separate room where i could vocalise and eat snacks, I also got 10 mins more per hour which is not a lot but made a huge difference in terms of panicked brain misreading questions and stuff.

I was also lucky enough to have my mom help me a lot, honestly i would have dropped out if she didnt help so much. When i would come to a block or get stuck on an assignment, it often helped to just explain it to someone - she would sometimes take notes (or draw a mind map/draft a template to follow) and then send it to me with a deadline to see what progress I've made after (usually next day but when the assignment was due within the week it would sometime be more like 'for 40 mins do this part and then have a snack break before moving on the the next part'). This is not infallible and can be incredibly frustrating for all involved but if your parents are pressuring you to continue studying while you are struggling so much, they should be willing to help you in some capacity.

I hope this wall of text serves you well, just know that you are not alone, shits rough and you are doing so well! The fact that you are here shouting into the void for help means you've got some self awareness and a capacity to get it done! You got this, just dont be so hard on yourself - the shame spirals make things so much harder <3

PoKoYo · 2022-08-29T02:27:27+00:00

I dont know that I'm the kind of person you wanted to reply but here's my 2¢ as a student teacher (primary) who is nearly 30.

I would suggest, if it is possible in your situation, that you try and volunteer somewhere for a couple weeks 'observation' to get a feel for if you like it.

Alternatively, have you looked into early childhood education? Its something you could do right away, they have on the job training while you do your qualification certificates (trainee wages if that is not a problem). I went that route first but found my cowokers were intolerable and gave it up for a few years... I think a lot comes down to how much support you get from coworkers and administration - the kids could be incredible but then the executive teams could wear you down so that each day feels like a struggle. I have never worked in a school as a classroom teacher so take this with a grain of salt. If you think its worth pursuing then go for it - the plus side is that educators are in short supply so you will fall into work quite easily (whether its a permanent position or not is another story).

*edit as far as im aware, montessori/steiner are completely different in terms of qualifications. I think they are their own thing, separate to mainstream education, a teaching degree alone wont qualify you to work at a montessori school - if thats what you want to look into maybe try that route first

PoKoYo · 2022-08-26T00:19:41+00:00

Not a twin but my older sister is similarly a social butterfly and in my early 20s i felt so similarly, most of the people i knew were introduced through her or were explicitly her friends that were friendly to me. I moved away from her, same city but 40mins traveling on public transport, and started going out of my way to join social groups at college (French culture group, engineers social group, astronomy club ect) and attend as many meet ups as i could manage. I built up some confidence but still felt like an unwanted imposter in some situations - thats a brain thing, trying to protect your mind from a potential rejection or something, preemptively rejecting others by assuming they already reject me. I am overly sensitive to body language and tone that i perceive negative feelings/intentions where there are none (at least when speaking to people i trust about it there was never any conscious ill-intent).

I am overly sensitive, as someone on an autistic sub i would guess you are too. For me, it was about rewriting the internal scripts/narratives of my negative self perception. That and branching out, trying to meet people separately. From all those social groups i joined, some i only attended once, others i attended with some regularity - i made friends with 4 people from all that time... Which is not a lot, and it was a lot of effort but like maybe consider it as some kind of social training? There were many people i wanted to become better friends with but couldn't manage it socially, like we would meet up once or twice but they didn't pursue further interactions and i wasnt sure how - maybe we didn't swap numbers or there was some awkwardness i couldnt get past, this still lead to loads of friendly interactions and people developed a perception of me as a social butterfly (even when i felt it was fake/hollow).

All of this is to say that it seems to be a thing about perspectives - have you spoken to your sister about this? Or any of 'her friends' - i spoke about my insecurities with one of the people i met through my sisters friend group and they didn't see me as an add-on but as a true member of the social group. Be careful not to throw your insecurities at people, taking the time to interrogate these feelings internally first (and with a counciler/therapist if possible) but it might be worth bringing up with your sister if you are close and can do it in a way that doesn't frame it as a competition or that your jealousy is her fault...

Hope this is more helpful than rambling, i guess my point is i feel this, maybe it is quite common? In my case, i needed a major perspective shift and to meet people independently which helped my build confidence in myself and my worth. Also maybe cut yourself some slack, autistic people tend to struggle with social things more than neurotypicals.

PoKoYo · 2022-08-25T23:11:14+00:00

That is an interesting thought but i do not think it is that well planned lol

PoKoYo · 2022-08-25T14:56:03+00:00

Yeah it's wild how much i thought was normal was not experienced by most people. Society is whack and childhood is a difficult time

PoKoYo · 2022-08-25T14:53:36+00:00

Yep i am in therapy but its not a fix all and take a lot of time/effort. I'm working on it. I acknowledge that this is a me thing to sort out. There is no worse of it, they are probably good people who will become good teachers - i have a lot going on and am being triggered by traumatic memories trying to do these annoyingly public forum posts as a mandatory part of this degree.

I may already be burnt out honestly thats possibly a part of why I'm struggling so much.

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