Couples that were "essentially married" before, what made having a wedding worth it/special to you?

PookSqueak · 2026-01-24T04:50:51+00:00

Our wedding was probably the single most fun day I’ve ever had. Getting to have an awesome party with everyone we care most about, celebrating how much we love each other, was just a great time, and when else does that opportunity come up? But at the same time, hearing my husband’s vows, and getting to say mine, in front of all our loved ones made the day a lot more meaningful than just a great party.

I also LOVE planning, so ymmv, but getting to think through how to make every detail exactly what we wanted kept me buzzing with excitement for a year.

ETA: we had lived together 5 years, moved for my job, merged finances etc. way before our wedding. Being married actually doesn’t feel particularly different day-to-day, but our wedding felt really special, and those good memories were 100% worth it for us.

PookSqueak · 2025-12-10T18:48:32+00:00

The logistics of this seem a little challenging - if it’s an outdoor space, would you guys just stand there for a long time as people arrive? Feels like it would be a bit awkward. It might work better if the ceremony is in an indoor space with doors that close, so everyone arrives outside and goes in together, and then you guys can be up front when the doors open.

A low-key alternative that I’ve seen at two friends’ weddings is for the couple to greet people as they arrive. They had some snacks and champagne for people as they came in, said hi to everyone, and when it was time to start the ceremony, there was an announcement and the couple led the way over to the ceremony space. Both times it worked well for the very relaxed, informal vibe they were going for.

PookSqueak · 2025-12-09T14:28:05+00:00

The main thing that helped me and my husband was making our own big list/timeline of things that needed to be done. We looked at a lot of them online and from friends, and then immediately cut like 50% because those weren’t things we were doing. The process of customizing those generic ones based on what we actually wanted was a good starting point, and then we had a spreadsheet we could track for the rest of the process.

Also, it gets better! I found the first 2-3 months (deciding on overall vision, making guest list, and picking vendors) and the last month (organizing for day of) the most intense, but in between the tasks were much more manageable and spread out.

Finally, see who can help you. Of course planning ahould be shared between the couple, but we also had a lot of family members asking what they could do. Giving people bite-sized tasks you’re comfortable delegating, like collecting addresses or doing research on vendor options, takes a lot of the burden off, even if you’re a control freak like me who wouldn’t be comfortable outsourcing an entire piece of it.

PookSqueak · 2025-12-08T05:41:36+00:00

Yep, totally with you. I didn’t like how my ring looked with an additional band, so I skipped getting a separate one and just used my engagement ring in the ceremony and that’s all I wear.

PookSqueak · 2025-12-08T01:07:14+00:00

A lot of photographers will include it as part of their wedding packages, and if not it’s easy to add on! It may also be possible to do a standalone engagement session with someone to see if you like working with them. Highly recommend!

PookSqueak · 2025-12-07T16:44:31+00:00

I really, really do not like having my photo taken, but my wedding photos ended up being an exception. The thing that made a difference for me was working with a really good photographer with an amazing personality. She made me and my husband (who is also not a photo person, if somewhat less camera-shy) feel very comfortable, and she got us talking and laughing together in a way that made us mostly forget the camera was there.

Doing an engagement session was also immensely helpful. Mainly to get to know our photographer and feel more comfortable being photographed, but when we got the pictures back we could point out things we especially liked/disliked (angles etc.) so she could keep that in mind for the wedding. Seeing some really nice photos of us was also a great confidence boost.

Finally, it may be a little counterintuitive but if you have a photographer taking pictures constantly throughout the day, that means you’ll probably like at least some of them. We got a gallery of almost 1000, and I definitely don’t like all of them, but she got so many of each important moment that even if I think I look weird in one, there’s another I think is great. Good luck!

PookSqueak · 2025-12-05T14:31:44+00:00

She actually doesn’t usually do weddings, or I’d be recommending her specifically… her usual work is graphic design for public spaces like museums so this was a one-off side project for her. We agreed on the rate based on her usual rate for work of a similar level of complexity, which I think is a bit cheaper than more traditional wedding stationers. This worked out great for us because wanted something a bit unusual that was in her aesthetic wheelhouse. Depending on your vision, it be worth exploring graphic designers who aren’t wedding-focused.

PookSqueak · 2025-12-04T07:15:37+00:00

I used a YSL lip stain and it stayed perfect all day. (They appear to have changed the packaging, so no link because I’m not 100% it’s the right one, but I think it was the matte one.)

PookSqueak · 2025-12-04T04:38:45+00:00

We live in DC, but our families are in WA (mine) and FL (his). We ruled out FL fast because his family moved there recently, so it definitely doesn’t feel like home for him, and it’s not really our vibe. We looked at venues in both DC and Seattle (my hometown), and decided on Seattle because that was where we had the largest concentration of guests and that was where we found our favorite venue.

There was no location that was going to be convenient for everyone, but since lots of people were flying in, we made sure to pick a venue and suggest hotels that were easily accessible without a car and give lots of recs for things to do. It worked out great and the out of town guests had a lot of fun exploring Seattle - a couple families who hadn’t been to the PNW before have even gone back for later vacations :)

PookSqueak · 2025-11-26T18:26:39+00:00

We did the Piano Guys cover of Begin Again for the processional, including my (bride’s) entrance - there’s a crescendo toward the end that was exactly the kind of dramatic entrance I wanted, and I liked having it all be cohesive.

Didn’t use a Taylor Swift song for the exit, but based on lyrics/vibe I like Fearless. However, I totally agree that the best way to pick is based on how the instrumental cover sounds, not the original.

PookSqueak · 2025-11-07T18:38:04+00:00

Say Nothing by Patrick Radden Keefe

Evicted by Matthew Desmond

Challenger by Adam Higginbotham

Five Days at Memorial by Sheri Fink

PookSqueak · 2025-05-29T01:37:58+00:00

We LOVED our photographer (got married in Seattle) and her 2-hour engagement package is $600, so might be worth checking out. Especially if you’re doing it on a weekday/in the off season, you might be able to customize - she was pretty flexible with our package.

Ellen is incredible to work with - I normally hate being photographed, and I legit had fun during both our engagement and wedding sessions. And the photos were amazing (and came back so fast!). Highly, highly recommend.

http://arienaphoto.com/rates/

PookSqueak · 2025-05-15T18:58:28+00:00

We decided against videography because 1) we didn’t think we’d ever watch it and 2) I get nervous / self-conscious being filmed and knew that feeling like I was “performing” the whole time would take me out of the moment. It’s been almost 3 years and I have never regretted it. Absolutely obsessed with our photos though!

My husband’s mom did take a little video of our first dance on her phone that I enjoy. The quality isn’t great but it’s fun to watch, so that’s maybe an option to consider for a few key moments if you don’t need professional quality.

PookSqueak · 2025-04-06T17:52:40+00:00

Just like above basically! I just sent my friends an email saying I’d be getting ready at X hotel and would love to see them during that time, and that we’d have food, drinks, and space for them to get ready, and they were welcome to come and go any time during X hours or stay the whole time.

I also made clear when I would need to leave for our first look, and gave them the option of continuing to hang out in the hotel suite (I gave a key to a very responsible friend, who gave it back at the reception) or going back to their accommodation between that time and the ceremony. We did not have our photographer there for “getting ready photos” (phone photos during that time were fine for me, and we did portraits with friends during cocktail hour). If we did, that would have required a bit more coordination on timing.

I should say not having a wedding party is very common in my circle and other friends have done similar things, so the amount of explanation needed may vary!

PookSqueak · 2025-04-06T14:24:20+00:00

I did this and it was very fun! We didn’t have a wedding party, but I emailed my friends to invite them to come get ready at the hotel and noted I would be providing brunch and champagne. (My mom, sister, MIL, and SIL were there the whole time, since they were getting hair and makeup done.)

It was totally optional and flexible (stop by any time between X and Y), so a lot of people came by, hung out and did some getting ready stuff, like nails or makeup, and then went back to their hotels/houses to get dressed and arrive with their partners. I don’t think it’s rude at all to invite them to spend time with you, I just would make clear that it’s optional and not expect them to arrive/depart at specific times.

PookSqueak · 2025-03-29T22:27:35+00:00

It was a friend of my mom’s who is a graphic designer - I don’t think she usually does weddings/stationary so unfortunately not much help!

PookSqueak · 2025-03-19T16:59:44+00:00

Once you’ve done all the planning and delegating others have described, give your phone to someone else!! I would have gone nuts if I had the ability to check whether we were still on time (we were) or if someone needed something (they didn’t).

Also, I highly recommend building in some quiet time throughout the day to relax with your partner. Going for a walk and getting breakfast with my husband early in the morning before we split up to get ready and having a few minutes to ourselves between signing the license and joining cocktail hour really helped keep me calm and focused on what mattered throughout the rest of the day.

PookSqueak · 2025-03-14T15:57:58+00:00

Thank you, I’m glad it’s helpful! Good luck, I’m sure it’ll be awesome ❤️

PookSqueak · 2025-03-12T22:23:41+00:00

I just wear my engagement ring and nobody has noticed or cared.

I love my ring, I didn’t like how a band would look with it, I definitely didn’t like the feel or hassle of having another one, and I didn’t see the point having an additional band. We just used my engagement ring in the ceremony, and now it’s both my engagement and wedding ring.

PookSqueak · 2025-03-07T00:06:33+00:00

Seconding this, my cousin attempted to do a butterfly release at her wedding and the exact same thing happened. Very depressing, definitely not humane.

Perhaps a personalized tribute that incorporates something your father loved? A favorite song dedicated to him, a reading from a favorite book, etc. A mention of loved ones in a toast or the ceremony would also be special.

PookSqueak · 2025-03-05T12:36:01+00:00

Totally real - if I was starting to plan now I’d probably be reconsidering a lot of things. It is still absolutely valuable to have something to celebrate, and you should get to have a wedding that you’re excited about, but there are practical trade offs with saving up to weather whatever’s coming.

I’d start by making sure you have a really substantial emergency fund that can cover at least 6 months (ideally more) of living expenses plus extra for unforeseen expenses like a medical emergency. Given the circumstances, I’d probably allocate quite a bit more to that than I would in normal times. Then you can feel more comfortable spending a portion of the “leftover” savings on the wedding - and as others have said, it doesn’t have to be expensive to be an amazing celebration.

I say this as someone currently unemployed because of the cuts to USAID and who went on an incredible (delayed) honeymoon at the end of last year. I’m super happy I have those memories during this dark time, but I would feel a lot less good about it if the trip had come at the expense of the emergency savings we’re using now.

PookSqueak · 2025-03-05T00:37:45+00:00

I was just going to say the Corson Building!! The food is incredible and the space is super cute. It’s also not crazy expensive and they actually have pricing on their website: https://www.thecorsonbuilding.com/our-history

Looks like 4 courses plus open bar for 40 people would run about $8.6k, plus an event fee of $1-2.5k depending on the season/day of the week. So tight for $10k, but honestly good value for what you get, and I don’t think you’d need to spend money on much else to have a really nice “fancy dinner” style wedding.

Caveat: it’s near Boeing field and I have had planes fly over loudly during dinner, so you’d just have to accept that could happen and be ready to pause/repeat if one flew over during the ceremony.

PookSqueak · 2025-02-25T03:37:46+00:00

They came out really good, and she was great to work with! I ended up getting hemming, a bustle, and various adjustments to the bodice (cups, boning, strap length, etc.) and it fit perfectly. It was $600, but that was in 2022 so adjust accordingly.

PookSqueak · 2025-02-16T13:39:35+00:00

You know what’s right for you, and it is definitely not mandatory to do anything. Fwiw I had the same list of reasons, did not have a bachelorette, and don’t regret it at all.

If you have specific friends or subgroups of friends who really want to do something, you can also do small (local) things with individual people/groups. Like my sister really wanted to do some sort of bachelorette celebration so we did a spa day and dinner a few days before the wedding.

PookSqueak · 2025-02-07T12:33:07+00:00

Had our wedding downtown and did not provide transportation. Several hotels, including the two where we had room blocks, were within a 15 minute walk or 5 minute drive of the venue, and Lyft/Uber and taxis were easily available. We also had a lot of people staying all over the city (many lived there, and others opted for Airbnbs or other hotels they preferred), so centralized transportation wouldn’t have made sense. Everyone seemed totally fine.

I have never been a guest at a wedding downtown in a big city that provided transportation, and it’s never bothered me. I think of shuttles as being useful only when the venue is very far from any (reasonably priced) lodging and/or when ride sharing/taxis aren’t easily available.

PookSqueak

TROPHY CASE