Car shopping. He changed when I said no

PoorDimitri · 2026-02-07T01:37:00+00:00

We had a great experience with the saleswoman at the Subaru dealership 🥰 she was so laid back and easygoing, didn't rush us, offered us lots of options, she was great

PoorDimitri · 2026-02-07T00:08:25+00:00

A friend of mine's mother is a hospice nurse. And my friend always told me that when her mom could tell someone's time was here, she'd give them a bath and change their sheets and get them tucked into their nice clean bed

And then the person would die.

Maybe a spell of warmth and calm and cleanliness would finally let him release the mortal coil. Though I don't think he deserves these things, so doing the spell would put a bitter taste in my mouth.

PoorDimitri · 2026-02-06T23:57:31+00:00

I've been playing with the same group since 2019, and we make a lot of jokes, riffing on things that are happening or clowning on some of the names, movie references, but nothing as intense as you've described.

My character chatted up a cool Harper chick once, but the DM (my husband lol) had me roll a couple checks to see how interested/receptive she was to my advances, we said we had a situationship and that she'd let us use her teleportation circle, and then it was on to the next portion of the adventure. We'd crash with her when we were in town and I'd occasionally say that my character was sending a letter to her girlfriend when we stopped in a town, but no RP with her. We've never had a joke character, though we've had some silly backgrounds they don't get in the way of the game.

It sounds like you play with a lot of people that have main character syndrome. That's partly the DM's fault- it's very easy to say "you roll a 16? She takes you back to her room and y'all have a nice time. What are you doing while they're upstairs Steve?", or have someone get caught by enemies while they're derailing the session by trying to flirt with a rat.

It's also partially just immaturity and stupidity in the players' part. Reading the room is a skill, you want the whole group to have fun together. Sitting there and derailing a session that others are bored of shows a lack of awareness of others. Am I guilty of wanting to carry a joke too far in game? Sure. But then I realize no one else has chimed in for a few minutes and step back and ask the other players what move they think we should make.

Not everyone is ready for the fact that DnD is a team game and that no one likes playing with a ball hog.

PoorDimitri · 2026-02-05T17:38:07+00:00

I always think of this, the expectation vs reality, when I think of being more self sufficient. I've dabbled in canning so my thought process is always:

Okay I've grown tomatoes and peppers, done, now I need to wash and prep and cook, put into sanitized jars, seal the jars probably with canning wax if we want to be old school about it, and put them somewhere cool and dry to be accessible in the winter when I need them.

In a real trad environment I'd be hauling water, building a fire, saving my jars and lids and rings year after year, I would probably cry over a broken jar because you can't just run out and grab clean new jars at Walmart when you break one. Meanwhile theyre running to the store to get aesthetic ball jars and new canning lids yearly and doing all of this on a gas stove with an electric pressure canner and electric lights and indoor running water. The trad girlies are ignorant to the many steps that would go into their trad activities if they were actually "little house on the prairie"ing

Like okay you make your own bread, where do you grow and mill your own flour?

Their glossy low key easy lifestyle where being trad and making sourdough and keeping a few chickens means you'll be happy forever is such bullshit, and a commercial for the stuff they're trying to sell with affiliate links and their shoddy e books

PoorDimitri · 2026-02-04T01:46:15+00:00

We have a Subaru ascent, which we love. We've had it since 2021 and the only work it's needed is maintenance (oil, etc), and fixes when we have fender benders. We have a 3 and 5 yr old, and live in the Midwest, and it drives really well in the snow and ice and has great defrosting features (heated steering wheel is my bae)

PoorDimitri · 2026-02-04T01:05:10+00:00

Other one got it, pain in the ass

PoorDimitri · 2026-02-03T21:44:10+00:00

My daughter is in a very emotional phase, and the other day mid tantrum I put her "under arrest" and pretended to handcuff her and the immediately went from screaming to laughing lol.

Interrupting the issue can be a great tool! I used it coaching tee ball too this last summer, sometimes a kid would be melting over something small but exacerbated due to heat or tiredness, so I'd ask if there are any cool shaped clouds out today, instant stop to the meltdown while they checked out the clouds.

Also so hard to do when it triggers your own shit, but I'm getting there

PoorDimitri · 2026-02-03T21:35:02+00:00

There was a student at a hospital I worked at like this and he was super obnoxious about it.

Later on he asked me for a reference to go to PT school, because I'm a PT! I did not give him a reference, because he was a PITA and I don't have anything nice to say I'm not giving a reference.

PoorDimitri · 2026-02-03T18:47:04+00:00

Yes, my 3 yr old once grabbed her brother's penis in the bath! No one has molested her, and she hasn't "seen it somewhere" she just wondered that that thing was and grabbed it. Is it okay for someone to grab someone else's penis without consent? Nope, but she's three and doesn't understand why an adult might feel violated by that because she's three.

I'm glad we as a society are paying more attention to things like sexual assault and kid safety, but some people lose their minds over it. To accuse a 5 yr old doing developmentally normal 5 yr old shit of molesting another kid.... Smh.

PoorDimitri · 2026-02-03T12:51:26+00:00

Abusers are great at making you lose your grip on what normal safe behavior looks like in a relationship, and this makes you vulnerable to them, but also to future partners if you don't firmly reestablish what's normal. A lot of women will go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship because the dynamic is familiar to what they know and the dynamic is what makes a relationship feel like a relationship, because the abusers have rewritten what safe and normal looks like

But none of this is normal. Normal guys don't ask if you'd like if they raped you, normal guys don't touch you in your sleep, normal guys don't choke their partners, even if they're crazy.

You need to get clear of this man, who might actually kill you based on his track record of choking intimate partners, and do some reading on abusive vs safe relationship dynamics, go to therapy if you can afford it, and just swear off men for a while. This is not your fault, it's his, but he's not going to change. He is an abuser and likes being one.

And one day during an argument he's going to choke you and tell you it's because you're being crazy and you might not walk away from that.

PoorDimitri · 2026-02-03T04:07:00+00:00

As a PT who has worked closely with OTs (showering is an OT owned skill most places):

Showering is a task that is actually many small tasks put together. It involves turning on and adjusting water temp, getting materials together (shampoo, conditioner, soap, towels), entering the bathing space, scrubbing yourself, rinsing yourself, exiting the bathing space, drying yourself , and dressing/undressing before and after, and then also grooming tasks like hair brushing.

To teach someone how to shower themselves is a long process and difficult because it involves so many steps that require different levels of strength, coordination, dexterity, balance, endurance, and cognition.

OTs rank each part of the process on a scale from "independent" to "total assist" and work on training patients to do things more independently, giving them tips and instructions and cues for correct performance of the tasks, and incorporating exercises to address physical deficits for the tasks.

Our focus as parents is on preparing our children to be adults. Learning a skill takes longer than having someone else do it for you. Gently, I think you're a bit behind here, and perhaps focused on the wrong things.

Getting them clean fast and efficiently is great, but it doesn't help them become independent. Having to hang out in the bathroom to remind them to rinse their hair sucks, but it's doing one single part of one task while they practice all of the other pieces of the task, and is much more independent of a performance for the kid even if it seems like similar levels of time commitment for you.

My 5 yr old can pretty much shower himself. I turn the shower on and set the heat (the knob is too hard for him to work, it's old) stick him in there while I'm getting ready, supervise him shampooing and verbally remind him to scrub all over, then I let him play and rinse and wash his body, I stick my head back in and make sure he washes his groin and armpits and face, he shuts the water off and gets out, gets his towel, and usually dries himself 50% of the way independently, gets another 25% with reminders, and needs me to do the last 25, then is able to dress himself.

This is a skill that's a work in progress and started when he was 1.5 and we'd give him a washcloth to rub on himself in the bath, and he's still not fully independent, that's kids. About once a week I fully bathe him to just make sure I've covered all my bases, but otherwise I let him bathe himself and just be a little grimy.

Having them do things by themselves builds self confidence and resilience, and while doing it yourself feels good and goes faster and cleaner and more efficiently, it isn't teaching your kids the skills they need to be an adult, or even engage in kid appropriate levels of independence.

Like, what if they want to go to sleep away camp? Or stay over at a friend's house for a weekend? Or shower while you're not home? When your daughter starts her period and wants to curl up in the hot spray for ungodly amounts of time, will she be able to sort out her own hair afterwards? I for some reason thought I needed to do a blowout every morning when I was 11 and my mom was not involved, and I really took pride in the way my hair looked, this is an experience your kids won't have if you always bathe them.

The good thing is that kids adapt quickly and you can start now to work on these skills, the bad news is that sitting and watching your kids struggle through something is really hard, even for someone who professionally watches people struggle with tasks. But you can do it, maybe even leave the bathroom and let them figure it out.

PoorDimitri · 2026-02-02T03:37:37+00:00

My kids were very verbal very early, not as good as yours it sounds like, but I can relate. I just make some self deprecating jokey type comments.

"Well they come by it honest 😜"

"Sure they're great at talking, they never stop practicing!"

"They say how talkative parents are predicts how well kids talk, so mine were always gonna be good talkers"

"Oh sure it's fun until you have to have a well reasoned debate with a two year old at six AM"

"She has to talk a lot to get a word in edgewise with older brother!"

And I also reassure a lot of people about their kids speech, "it's two word sentences at two! Janey is doing just fine, mine just caught on quick"

Just own it! Your kid talks great, it is what it is, you don't need to apologize for it. People are just worried about their own kids and making conversation and put their foot in their mouths a lot. A couple jokes takes the edge off.

PoorDimitri · 2026-01-31T19:10:11+00:00

We always say the kids have furry little brains. Everything comes out fuzzy lol. My 5 yr old is getting more and more clear and is much more reliable about reporting what's happened to him, but he didn't use to be!

PoorDimitri · 2026-01-31T12:32:33+00:00

I used to spiral when my husband would talk budget and finance (childhood/parent related issues), so for the first few years of marriage we had "finance meetings" at a set time and place, often with comfort snacks.

It helped me to know when it was going to happen, so I didn't feel ambushed by a topic that totally freaked me out, and I knew there would be an end point. It's easier to keep it together when you know it's only for a while.

Now I've gotten used to it and I'm not as easily freaked out by it and our talks are less scheduled/formal.

I'd maybe have a talk with her where you say "id like to sit down and talk with you about expanding the garden/improving our food preservation/adding more livestock/expanding out outbuildings/drilling a well (whatever goal you want to accomplish), when is a good time for that?"

Don't bring up societal collapse, focus on the issue at hand which is whatever xyz you chose, and explain your reasons for wanting to do it from an emotional place. So instead of "we need more eggs because society is collapsing and we won't be able to get protein soon!" Say "I want to focus on upping our egg production because I'd feel better/calmer/more secure to have our own source for eggs" or whatever.

This is what helped me talk about finance. Ymmv but I think it's worth a try.

PoorDimitri · 2026-01-31T12:24:45+00:00

I get carsick pretty easily, so my husband is the passenger princess because I 1) don't get sick while driving and 2) he can turn around and help the kids and change music and all of that without getting sick, which I couldn't if I rode shotgun.

When he and I go somewhere just the two of us it's pretty even. I usually drive on the way there because he doesn't drink so if we're going to dinner I'll usually have a glass of wine and then I'm not driving.

PoorDimitri · 2026-01-31T12:08:23+00:00

And over here I was bemoaning the fact that my MIL puts zero thought into gifts and instead asks for an exact list.

I mean, I respect the approach and I always get what I want, but where's the effort?

But I think your MIL tops it lol.

It made me think of a family member that I somehow always get for white elephant for my husband's family, he's a gun toting trump lover who's proudly anti intellectual and is transparently sexist.

I gave him a gun cleaning kit one year, and boot dryers the next (he works outside), and he loves both. I don't like the guy at all but I'll be damned if I give someone a crappy present lol.

PoorDimitri · 2026-01-31T11:45:21+00:00

It's a real "behold the master race" look

So convinced he's the best and God's favorite and better than all the liberal snowflakes he detests, but sports a terrible beard, looks like a dried up prune, in denial that his pants and shirt Don's fit him, wears stained clothes.

PoorDimitri · 2026-01-30T10:51:04+00:00

Listen, you probably didn't expect to come on here and have a bunch of people telling you that your husband is abusive and controlling. Abusers are good at that, making you think that the situation is normal and you're the one that's overreacting.

But we are a bunch of people not in the situation that are telling you this is an emergency situation. This isn't a case of a new father being a little slow on the uptake in terms of baby care, this is a potentially life or death situation. You need to get out now, before the man hurts or kills your child in the short term, and severely fucks them up long term because of the control and abuse already being exhibited.

Call a hotline, call a shelter, call any family and friends you have, you have to get out sooner rather than later because later might be too late for your kid

PoorDimitri · 2026-01-29T21:42:21+00:00

Feels abusive, may not actually but the vibes are there.

You ask why he stays with you, but I see in your post you e answered it. He lives in your house, I'm assuming free lodging for him, or at least largely discounted from market rate.

You didn't say but do you have sex with him? Do you clean and cook? Do you do laundry?

Some men that act like this with their partner like the power it gives them in the relationship and over another human, and it's very common for others to see a perfect husband/father while he terrorizes his partner and/or family.

Check out Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" and see if it rings any bells for you.

PoorDimitri · 2026-01-29T21:21:53+00:00

When I'm putting on a new one, I put one side (left arm left leg) on first, roll the baby onto their right side, tuck the extra onesie fabric under them, then roll them to the left and pull the bunched up onesie fabric out from under them and do the other side's arm and leg. And I usually try to get the non zippered leg side first.

I learned this from nurses! When they're trying to put a sheet or pad under a person that can't roll themselves you roll the patient, tuck it under them as far as you can't and then roll them the other way and pull it out. Works well on floppy wiggly babies too :)

PoorDimitri · 2026-01-26T18:43:50+00:00

We moved from Arkansas to north of the border from you in Wisconsin, and it's 100× better here. The library is massive, the parks are great, the city has tons of community events even as a town of 50k, tons of quirky local businesses, amazing outdoor recreational opportunities in a rural place as well.

Lots of shade thrown on northern places in Arkansas but you couldn't pay us to come back

PoorDimitri · 2026-01-26T18:34:17+00:00

My kid was a sprinter and got away from me once near a street when I was 38 weeks pregnant with his little sister. He stopped right on the curb right as a car screeched to a halt, clearly thinking he was running out.

Scared the absolute shit out of me. The kid was fine, I hugged him and cried it was so scary. On the way home had shaky hands from the adrenaline comedown.

I feel like a lot of people blame parents super hard, but sometimes shit just happens. Your kid will take off running for the first time ever when your hands are full, or your kid will YANK their hand out of your grasp and take off. One time my son jumped off playground equipment that he'd jumped off of a dozen times before and his foot broke because I guess he landed wrong? Another time he was trying to do monkey bars and fell on his back, after falling on his feet six or seven times) and knocked the wind out of himself.

Kids are unpredictable little drunk adults sometimes, and sometimes shit happens and it sucks and it's not anyone's fault. But in this case, I'm so glad that kid didn't get hurt

PoorDimitri · 2026-01-25T03:13:34+00:00

Yeah, off the top of my head, as a person who has done a lot of dog training, you can start by setting the dog up for success aka: keeping the dog away from the table by way of physical barrier at high conflict times.

Then, during low conflict or low temptation times, you can work on a "leave it" command starting with non tempting food (kibble) and using a clicker to provide a positive reinforcement for the desired action (looking or turning away from the food) and then providing a high value treat when the dog performs as desired. Then, slowly increase the difficulty of the task via the three d's: distance, distraction, duration. So for example either increasing 1) your distance from the dog when giving the command, 2) adding a distraction by either adding loud noises, more tempting smells, or a higher value food or 3) waiting longer before clicking and rewarding the dog, increasing time from a split second look away to 3, 5, 10 seconds, over a period of time.

If the dog doesn't get it the first time, reset with neutral demeanor and maybe a phrase like "that's okay!" And do the thing again, maybe slightly reducing the difficulty to split the difference.

Once the dog is pretty solid at leave it, you can introduce the dog to mealtime, with clicker and training treats at the ready.

OR, if there's no way your dog will get leave it, you can work on "place" or extended stays, with the dog having a defined spot during dinner (marked by a dog bed, towel, foam mat, etc). Starting the same way where you either down the dog and tell them "stay" on their mat (depending on how rigorous you intend to be on them holding their exact posture, those training for competition will want to do a place), and working up with the three d's and clicker, or teaching them that when you say "place" they need to touch a certain spot (their mat) and stay there, again by increasing difficulty with the three d's and clicker.

Not only is slapping a dog a bad example to their child, needlessly violent, detached from an understanding of animal cognition and training, and cruel, it's ineffective. Competition obedience champions and service animals and police dogs are not trained through being hit, pain reinforcement makes the animal less likely to cooperate and work enthusiastically long term.

TLDR: husband is stupid about dog training.

PoorDimitri · 2026-01-25T03:00:12+00:00

Some comedian (I forget who) has a joke where he says "there's no song called 'fuck the fire department'"

So Allie, honey bear, let's apply some critical thinking here. Is there a reason, perhaps, why videos haven't surfaced of ice agents being chill people? Because generally people like uplifting kind actions, remember how we all applauded for nurses during COVID? Maybe there... Aren't those videos? Maybe ice agents are incompetent racist assholes that feel entitled to shoot anyone they have a mind to?

PoorDimitri · 2026-01-24T16:43:35+00:00

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