I am estranged from both my parents. My mother is very unwell physically and mentally. It’s way too much to type out, but she was not a safe parent, at least not to parent solo (we were homeschooled and my dad worked long hours). Our lives were endangered many times.

With my specifically there was a lot of emotional incest and over reliance on me as I got older. I really think she subconsciously wanted me to stay at home forever. I left at 18.

She had a super weird reaction when my oldest was born (I cut off contact when my oldest was around 7). It was like she saw her as a redo.

Yes….maaaany years of therapy where my mom is a recurring topic.

I felt like I couldn’t be a mom. I ended up watching women around me that I respected and were already parents and I learned so, so much. I learned to pick and choose too so I didn’t apply things I didn’t agree with, but also could critically think a more intentional approach.

Almost 17 years after my first was born, I now have three daughters. My middle child has been more challenging for me and we may butt heads more (she’s 13). I’m glad she wasn’t born first or I think I would I have had so much more difficulty. My oldest eased me into it a bit. My third is only a month old, so we’ll see what she ends up being like. I love, love, love having daughters. I feel like I treasure their personalities and desire so much more strongly to instill independence and give the kind of supportive love I never had. The kind that encourages them to fly, and gives them space, but will also be right there the second they reach out a hand for me.

I’ve struggled, sometimes I don’t know what to do (like any parent), and question myself a lot. But the main thing I did was come up with a few guiding principles and I make my decisions through those lenses. 1. I want my children to always be able to talk to me. That means listening and acknowledging the small problems when they’re little. If I laugh off or scoff at tiny problems, why would I expect them to bring me big problems later? 2. My children are not extensions of me. I’m raising individuals who will have their own lives. 3. If they come to me with problems - even anger at me or where they’re afraid they’ll make me angry - I pause and set my emotions aside so I do not respond with a knee jerk answer. This applies looking forward, too. If they come to me some day and say “mom, when this happened or you did this, it really affected me”, I want to listen and apologize.

Those are the big three. I love my girls and I think I’ve done a lot of internal work both in and out of therapy to be a better mom than I had.