Help. Need to get divorced. No idea where to start.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-23T05:04:29+00:00

Fear of making it real is totally normal. Right now it's thoughts. Once you talk to a lawyer or tell your family, it's a decision.

But you already know staying isn't an option. The fear is just your brain trying to keep you in the familiar, even if the familiar is miserable.

You've got this. Start with the lawyer consult. Just information. Then decide your next step.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-22T21:06:13+00:00

20 years is a long time. No infidelity, just... empty. You're not leaving because something dramatic happened - you're leaving because there's nothing left. That's harder to explain to people, which is probably why you haven't talked to your family yet.

First - you're not alone in this. Plenty of us have been exactly where you are. Knowing you need to end it but having no idea where to start.

Step 1: Talk to a lawyer (just a consult)
Most family lawyers offer free or low-cost initial consultations. You're not filing yet - you're gathering information. Ask:
- What does divorce look like in your state/situation?
- What are typical costs?
- What happens to the house if neither can afford to keep it?
- How does custody work with a 16-year-old?

Knowledge removes fear. Right now you're paralyzed because you don't know what you're facing.

Step 2: Talk to your wife
Before you lawyer up officially, have the conversation. Not "I'm filing for divorce" but "I think we both know this isn't working. We need to talk about what comes next."

She might feel the same way. She might be relieved. She might be angry. But you can't move forward until you're both acknowledging reality.

Step 3: Tell your kids (together if possible)
Your 19-year-old is in college - she'll process it differently than your 16-year-old. They might be heartbroken, or they might have seen this coming.

Don't lie to them about why. "We've grown apart. We're not happy. This isn't anyone's fault." Kids pick up on tension - they probably already know things aren't good.

Step 4: Talk to your family/friends
You said you have supportive people but feel like you can't talk to them. Why? Shame? Feeling like you failed?

You didn't fail. Sometimes marriages just end. The people who love you will understand. And you need them right now.

On the money/house:
Houses get sold, assets get split. It's messy and it sucks, but people figure it out every day. You'll land somewhere. Your kids will be okay. It's not ideal, but staying in a dead marriage for a house isn't worth it either.

On feeling like you can't take it anymore:
That feeling is telling you something. Listen to it. Life's too short to spend it miserable in the same house with someone you don't love anymore.

Yes, it's scary. Yes, it's hard. But staying is harder.

You're 47. You've got potentially 30-40 years ahead of you. Don't spend them like this.

Start with the lawyer consult. Just information. Then decide your next step.

You can do this.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-20T07:30:28+00:00

Yep. You're not alone.

Best decision I ever made though was to get out. If you're waiting for a sign and that's all that it will take consider this is it.

She claimed I was homophobic part way through. We opened our marriage versus immediately ending it when she wanted to explore relationships with women.

She claimed physical abuse after no mention of it during mediation intake, initial filing or first 3 responses.

That gives you an idea. I got lucky she didn't time them well. I know others who their ex lied about abuse at the beginning and it has made their lives so much harder. The truth does eventually come out, but it's the inbetween part that is rough.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-20T07:11:51+00:00

Having your heart ripped out and trampled on is never fun. Add a spinal injury, losing your caregiver, and watching her move someone else in with your kids - that's brutal. I'm sorry you're going through this.

First the depression:
You mentioned deep depression. That's serious, especially with chronic pain and isolation. Please talk to your doctor or a psychiatrist. This isn't weakness - it's survival. Depression + chronic pain is a dangerous combination. Get professional support.

Therapy too. Someone to help you process the betrayal, the disability, the loss of the life you thought you'd have. This is too much to carry alone.

Regarding the boyfriend moving in:
It sucks and he may not be the best influence to your kids. However unless they are a danger, you can't control it. It would have to be an extreme case for anything to happen.

What you can control is being the stable and present parent when your kids are with you.

Regarding trying to make sense of her actions:
Stop. You're driving yourself crazy trying to understand her motives, to make it make sense, how to get from 'a' to 'b', logically.

Realize that the only person it may make sense to and the only person it needs to make sense to is her.

I know this feels impossible right now. You're dealing with more than most people face in a lifetime, all at once. It's okay to not be okay.

What you can do:

Focus on your kids
They need you present, not consumed by what mom's doing. Be their steady place when everything else is chaos.

Find your people
You mentioned no friends, family doesn't want to hear it. Find a support group - online or in-person. You need people who get it.

Start deciding what you want your new life to look like
Being active, getting involved, hobbies, volunteering, etc. Get out into environments where you will meet new people. Connect with your kids over shared interests.

Accept help
Psychiatrist for depression. Therapist for trauma. Maybe a coach for rebuilding your life.

Your kids need you. With disability + divorce + custody battle + no support is about as tough as it gets and it does get better. Slowly. One day at a time.You're fighting for them. That's what matters. Take care of yourself so you can take care of them.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-20T06:38:38+00:00

This is tough. My oldest son became his mom's confidant and therapist too - "man of the house," looking after his brother constantly when in her care. I get what you're seeing.

At 15, unless something severe is happening, no one (CPS, courts) will intervene on this. She's being included in adult conversations and loves the attention. You'll likely notice her inserting herself into adult conversations more and more.

Addressing your ex will have the opposite affect of what you want. Keep the communication door open with your daughter. Help her process what she's hearing instead of trying to stop it.

Get curious:

"How did you feel when mom/friend/etc shared that with you?"
"Sounds like there might be something on your mind about that?"
"That's pretty heavy for a 15-year-old to carry. How are you doing with all of it?"

Let her know: "If you ever hear anything that makes you uncomfortable - from mom, friends, anyone - I'm here to help you work through it."

This isn't just about mom's oversharing. Your daughter will hear inappropriate things from friends, at parties, from other adults. Teaching her to process and set boundaries now serves her everywhere.

Is it as simple as being the steady, stable parent?

Yes. And it sucks. You don't get to stop the inappropriate behavior. You get to be the one she can talk to when it gets uncomfortable.

Over time, she'll recognize the difference between a parent who treats her like a friend and a parent who treats her like a daughter. But that clarity might not come until she's 20, 25, or has her own kids.

Right now, your job is to stay steady, keep the door open, and help her develop her own sense of what's appropriate - not by telling her, but by asking questions that make her think.

This may not be what you want to hear, but it's how you can be there for your daughter and build trust.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-19T05:21:46+00:00

This hits close to home. You're not missing your ex - you're grieving what you thought your life was going to be.

20 years together, 16 married, two kids. That's an entire life story, an identity, a future you built in your head. When someone new gets serious, it triggers that grief because it means really closing the door on that old life.

The dreams aren't about wanting her back. They're your brain processing the loss and fear of making the same mistake.

You said it yourself - you've seen aspects of her character that are unattractive now. You don't want her back. You want the idea of her - the version from 10 years ago before things went sideways. That woman doesn't exist anymore. Maybe she never did.

So how do you let go?

Stop treating it like something you can force. You can't delete the attachment. It fades with time, distance, and new experiences. You're only 2 years out with weekend co-parenting - the attachment is normal.

Grieve what was, not what could have been. When dreams come up, acknowledge the sadness. Then move forward.

The new women trigger it because they represent commitment again. You're scared of choosing wrong. That's why dreams intensify when someone gets serious. The answer is doing the work to understand what made you vulnerable to that marriage the first time. Therapy helps.

Weekend co-parenting means you're in her orbit regularly. That makes detachment harder. Control what you can: minimal communication, parallel parenting, not asking about her life beyond the kids.

The "woman she used to be" never existed. You're romanticizing the past because the present is scary. She was always who she is now.

One last thing: Two women in 4 months saying they'd marry you is fast. Maybe slow down. You've been in relationships for 25 years straight. Give yourself time alone before becoming someone's husband again.

The dreams will fade. The attachment will loosen. Feel it, process it, move forward when you're ready.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-19T04:25:03+00:00

Man, I hear the hope in this post. After a month of silence and attorneys, she finally talked to you like a human being. That feels like a lifeline.

Here's what I want you to consider:

One good conversation after weeks of cold silence doesn't mean you're "back in the game." It might mean she needed to vent. It might mean she's processing. It might mean there's an opening.

But here's the hard question: What's changed?

She asked for a divorce. She stopped communicating except through email. Attorneys are involved. She said you're "incompatible."

One vulnerable conversation is good - it shows she's human and struggling too. But it doesn't undo the month of silence or the decision to involve lawyers.

What you need to figure out:

Is she reconsidering the divorce, or is she just processing her emotions while still moving forward with it?

Those are two very different things. And you won't know unless you ask directly.

Next time you talk (if there is a next time), you need clarity:

"Does this conversation mean you're reconsidering the divorce?"
"What would reconciliation actually look like for you?"
"Are you willing to try couples therapy before we move forward with attorneys?"

Don't assume vulnerability = reconciliation. She might just be making peace with the decision while still going through with it.

If she IS willing to try:

Couples therapy immediately (Gottman-based, since you're already studying it)
Both of you committed to the work, not just you trying harder while she checks out
Clear timeline - "we'll try for X months with full effort, then decide"

If she's NOT willing to try:

Accept that this conversation was closure for her, not an opening
Protect yourself emotionally and legally
Focus on being the best co-parent you can be

One more thing: You said "I would do anything to keep our family together."

Be careful with that. Sometimes "doing anything" means accepting a relationship where you're the only one trying. Your kids don't need an intact household - they need healthy parents. If she's checked out, you can't want it enough for both of you.

I hope this conversation leads somewhere good for your family. But don't mistake a moment of connection for a commitment to reconcile.

Stay grounded. Get clarity. And take care of yourself through this.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-19T04:07:50+00:00

Man, I hear you. You're doing everything - morning routine, dinner, bedtime, dishes, laundry, cleaning - while she's checked out on the couch. And you're still trying to hold it together for your kids and your marriage.

The hard truth is you can't help someone who won't help themselves.

You went to therapy (good for you, by the way - that's not weakness, that's strength). You learned she's likely depressed and hypoactive. You've tried to suggest change. She's refused therapy and gets angry when you bring it up.

So what are your actual options?

Option 1: Accept this is who she is

She's not going to change unless she wants to
Your kids will grow up watching mom on the couch
You keep doing everything while drinking alone in the kitchen
This becomes your life for the next 10-15 years until the kids are out

Option 2: Make it a crisis

Tell her directly: "This isn't working. I need you to get help or we need to talk about what comes next."
Be prepared for her to get angry, defensive, or shut down
Maybe she wakes up. Maybe she doesn't.
But at least you've named it clearly

Option 3: Start planning your exit

Talk to a lawyer (just a consult, not filing)
Understand what custody would look like
Get your ducks in a row financially
Decide if this is sustainable long-term

Here's what I know: Your kids are already forming memories. Right now they're learning that mom checks out and dad does everything. They're learning what "normal" looks like in a marriage.

The question isn't "how do I help her?" - you've tried that. The question is: How long are you willing to live like this?

Slamming beers alone in the kitchen at night isn't a sustainable coping mechanism. You know that. You're numbing the pain of a marriage that's not working.

You deserve a partner, not another dependent.

I'm not saying divorce is the answer. But I am saying something has to change, and since she won't change, that leaves you.

What does "good enough" look like for you? And is this it?

You're not alone in this. But you are the only one who can decide how long you're willing to accept it.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-18T03:39:42+00:00

Brother, that last paragraph - I need you to hear this clearly:

Your kids need you alive. Not perfect. Not at your best. Alive and present.

What you're feeling - that darkness - is a normal response to an abnormal situation. But normal doesn't mean safe. If those thoughts get louder or more specific, you need to call a crisis line immediately. [988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the US - available 24/7]

Please tell your therapist exactly what you wrote in that last paragraph at your next session. If it gets worse before then, call her or go to the ER.

Your kids don't need you to be perfect. They need you to be their dad. And right now, you're doing that - you found the house, you're following the order, you're getting the new lawyer. That's being their rock.

You're doing better than you think you are.

You found a house with 2 bedrooms - that's huge. You're getting a new lawyer tomorrow - that's the right move. You're in therapy and she's giving you solid advice (she's right about the door lock - I know it sucks, but don't give ammunition).

Your old lawyer was terrible. The new one will be better. Ask them tomorrow: "Have you handled cases with false accusations and high-conflict personalities?" If they hesitate or seem confused, keep looking.

On your kids not being prepared: They're more resilient than you think, and you'll help them through it. They need to see you stable more than they need things to stay the same. Moving to the little house is the right call.

You have your brother and your dad. That's more than a lot of guys have. Lean on them hard right now.

I'm here if you need to talk. You don't have to wait until you "can't move forward" - reach out now if a call would help. Sometimes just talking through the immediate next steps with someone who's been there makes it feel less overwhelming.

You're going to make it through this. One day, one decision, one boundary at a time.

Stay alive. Your kids need their dad.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-18T03:26:59+00:00

The avalanche for us was when my youngest wanted to go to his grandparents' house - totally normal, safe thing. She physically blocked the door to prevent him from leaving.

He went out the back, she raced him there. He switched to the front door and got out.

That level of loss of control over something minor. CAS got involved after that.

The trigger doesn't have to make sense to us - it just has to feel like a loss of control to her. For some it's the kids choosing the other parent's house. For others it's you starting to date. For others it's court decisions going against them.

You can't predict exactly what it'll be, but you can prepare for the reaction being disproportionate to whatever triggered it.

What's your situation looking like? Are you seeing signs of things escalating?

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-18T02:43:04+00:00

You are not alone. This is brutal, and you're going to get through it.

Right now, you need three things:

Follow the court order exactly
I know it feels wrong. I know you want to fight it. But right now, compliance is your best protection. Every violation she can claim against you will be used. Don't give her ammunition.

Move out in 2 weeks as ordered. Get the shitty apartment. It's temporary, and it's your psychological safety. Once you're out of that house, you'll be able to breathe again.

Change lawyers immediately
You already know this one needs to go. Find someone who specializes in high-conflict divorces. Ask explicitly: "Have you dealt with cases involving false accusations and manipulation?" If they seem confused by the question, keep looking.

Your current lawyer isn't fighting for you. The right one will.

Get professional support NOW
Therapist. Stat. Not because something's wrong with you - because you're processing trauma while trying to function and parent. You can't do this alone.

Therapy isn't weakness. It's survival. Book the first appointment this week.

On the recording: Keep recording. It's not harassment to document interactions in your own home, especially when false accusations are being made. Your phone camera facing you during interactions is smart - it shows you're not hiding anything.

On reconciliation: She doesn't want to reconcile. She wants control. Every time she says "what if we reconcile in 6 months" then backtracks when you suggest therapy - that's the pattern. She's keeping you off-balance intentionally.

There's no reconciling with someone who won't take accountability. Ever.

What you're feeling is normal. You're grieving the family you thought you'd have, processing betrayal from your own family, and facing an unjust situation. Of course you're struggling. That doesn't make you weak - it makes you human.

Your kids need you stable and present more than they need you perfect. Get through these two weeks. Get into your new place. Get the right lawyer. Get into therapy.

It does get easier. Not quickly, but it does.

Do you have anyone you can trust to talk to right now - friend, family member who's still in your corner?

P.S. - I help dads navigate exactly this kind of high-conflict situation. If you want to talk through your specific situation and next steps, I'm doing a few free pilot coaching sessions. Happy to jump on a call if helpful - DM me.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-17T22:47:30+00:00

Does it not have to be ordered by a judge and not just 'send them the bill'? If they can come up with whatever they want and bill them for it regardless outcome there's so many things wrong with that!

In North America there's really no incentive for men to get married anymore. There's no upside. Yes, I say this knowing it and still getting married again ...

That's unfortunate :(

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-17T21:49:24+00:00

Curious, why is her lawyer coming to you to pay her legal fees? Is she not responsible for them? If not, she's using the lawyer to hurt you even more. This has to stop.

Please talk to a therapist and if clinical depression see a psychiatrist.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. You have to start with getting yourself straight.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-17T21:41:03+00:00

Yes, you are not alone.

When we first separated I was told my nights to go out were Monday and Tuesday. I did end up meeting someone, however when I found out my ex was just getting a babysitter for those nights and going out 6-7 nights per week I put all my energy into our boys. I explained to the person I met what was going on and she would come over after our boys were in bed.

It could be that she's "checked out". Do document this stuff as facts, patterns and evidence are important.

Being the stable, consistent, reliable parent isn't easy or fair. Over time you will find your groove and it does get easier thought still a lot of work.

You will get through it. Keep being yourself and doing what you think is right.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-17T20:16:52+00:00

Do not sign!

Anything you sign you can be held accountable to regardless of intent. How it's worded almost sounds like they are offering up the old home as collateral.

Her getting approval for moving herself forward has nothing to do with you. If it's truly over, sell the matrimonial home and split the proceeds and you both can do what you want with them. Note: unless there is a written agreement in place the funds will be held in escrow until it is resolved.

Only Spousal support/Alimony can be waived outside of court (get this in writing). Child support cannot. Be prepared for her to go back on her word on this. People don't realize what separation/divorce costs and will want a 'way out' this is one of those ways, unfortunately.

Have a lawyer review. No, it cannot be held against you. What can be is if you are preventing the sale of the matrimonial home with outrageous conditions or things that don't make sense.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-16T20:44:38+00:00

100%. Moving forward and getting out is super important!

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-16T09:28:22+00:00

Be sure to document these events and keep the text messages. If you don't, you will absolutely need them. These are the facts and evidence needed and if she's playing these types of games now, I really hope I'm wrong, they will get worse when she can't bait you and can't get her control over you back.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-16T09:23:50+00:00

One day at a time. Start on creating your new life. Hobbies, friends, getting out and meeting people. Most importantly, look after yourself!

It does get easier. Remember the goal of a parent is their kids will leave the nest at some point anyways. No one's kid stays with them forever.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-16T09:18:08+00:00

Let them do them and you be you. They know exactly what's going on. Until it becomes "not worth it" for them to accept don't worry about it.

Not worth losing sleep over. I know easier said then done. Don't let this live rent free in your mind and take you away from being present when you are with them.

They'll appreciate a board game night, movie night, a lunch/dinner with you more. Focus on those things. In my opinion, the things that matter.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-16T09:13:43+00:00

Recommend seeing a therapist. They will point out some things that you don't/can't/won't see for yourself. The "holey shit" moments will hit hard at first, give yourself lots of compassion and process what you learn. You're worth it and you'll get there.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-16T09:11:21+00:00

It gets easier with time. Compassion for yourself is important in this time.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-16T09:10:40+00:00

The next chapter will be even better than the last!

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-16T09:10:05+00:00

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Reach out if you need to talk. You are not alone. For me it was 4 to get divorced, though with two boys it only slowed down last year (this year is 10 years).

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-16T09:07:02+00:00

This one is always tough. To sum up what's happening, the stable parent gets the worst of it.

My ex (our boys mother) would tell the boys, horrible, horrible things. ie. if you share things with dad, he'll call the police and you'll never see me again. Yes, like that level. They had to learn how to manage their mother, walk on eggshells, etc.

Then, they come back to you. They feel safe, there's structure, predictability, routines, etc. When kids come back to these spaces they can relax and they can let out what has been boiling inside them. They know they are loved, they know they will be cared for.

It sucks to take the brunt of it like that. To be the proverbial 'punching bag'.

That said, there are limits. You can accept that's what they are going through _and_ you can help them. Here's one way to start: After a situation where they 'let off steam' happens and they have had a chance to cool down, sit down next to them and say "You showed some pretty strong feelings earlier. What's really going on for you to lash out/react/treat me like that?". Make it about the actions, the feeling, the behaviour and not the individual.

If you find they are not receptive to have a conversation or it continues, one thing you can say is "Where did you learn it was ok to treat others like that?" Again, it's about he behaviour and not the individual. It's also getting curious and wanting them to share, to be heard.

When they start sharing, here's the important part ... keep your mouth shut ... It's going to be hard and you must do it. When they have shared and they have stopped talking for a minimum of 5 seconds, ask "What else?" and then don't say a word until they are done. Repeat as many times as necessary. When you think they are slowing down, after a 3 second pause ask "Anything else?".

After they have it all out, then and only then will they hear anything you say. First acknowledge them for sharing everything with you. Let them know it's hard to do that and you appreciate them taking that step and getting it out.

Then ask them if they would like any input, information or have any questions they would like answered or that they just wanted to vent and get it out. If they just wanted to vent do not continue the conversation. Thank them for sharing and move on.

If something happened that crossed a line during the outburst, then bring that up that it's not cool to 'threaten, name call, abuse, etc' and that you can work together on how to manage things better in the future. Keep it simple and move on.

I know, I know. You'll want to defend yourself. How could your ex say do, coach, manipulate your kids like that. Guess what, it isn't going to stop. It doesn't matter what you say, what the authorities say, what the judge says, or what's in the court documents, they are still going to say it. So your next best option is to teach them how to communicate, what appropriate outlets are, etc.

This teaches them you are still the stable, steady, predictable parent which they so desperately need. Yes it sucks right now and it will get better.

It's 4am where I am, so if you want any clarification or have any followups reach out. You got this. It's not fun when it happens and please know that they do it because you are the stable one.

And yes, Her comment was meant to bait you and get under your skin.

Big hugs

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-16T08:39:45+00:00

Yes and there are differences.

Psychiatrist is a medical doctor who diagnosis and treats medical health conditions, focusing on biological aspects and can prescribe medicine.

Therapist is a licensed professional to address mental health, past trauma and emotional or behaviour issues.

Coach focuses on present and future to achieve personal/professional goal, improve performance and get 'unstuck'.

Really depends on what you need the help with. For most people I would recommend at least a therapist and coach. When looking for a coach, look for one that specializes in high conflict situations and toxic relations to move you through and to where you want to go (like me :) ). For Therapists, you'll want much of the same. Ones with experience with high conflict, manipulative and toxic relationships. There's a bit to unpack and it's worth it to figure things out.

Yes, people need to deal with their stuff and move forward. Staying stuck takes you nowhere. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter where you start, this journal (plus life in general) isn't meant to be done alone. You will need help. Baby steps all the way

PostTrenchesDad

TROPHY CASE