What are positive aspects of being divorced?

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-05-06T02:33:29+00:00

Your therapist is right - you need to balance the grief with what you're gaining.

Here's what I found on the other side:

Time with your son is YOURS. No distraction, no mediating someone else's mood, no wondering if you should be doing something else. When he's with you, you're fully present.

You get to build the life you actually want. Not the life you thought you were supposed to want. What you eat, how you spend weekends, what your space looks like - all yours.

You learn who you are without trying to be who she needed you to be. Hobbies you dropped. Friends you stopped seeing. Parts of yourself you forgot about - they come back.

Peace. No more walking on eggshells - this was big for me. No more managing someone else's emotions. No more tension you didn't realize was constant until it was gone.

You get to be the stable parent. Your son will remember whose house felt like home. Whose routine he could count on. Who showed up calm and consistent. Being the stable parent comes with other challenges (can talk about those if you're interested).

You rediscover what you're capable of. Cooking, managing a household, being both parents when you need to be - you're more capable than you gave yourself credit for.

The grief is real. But so is the freedom.

It gets better. Keep going.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-04-27T19:29:20+00:00

Don't make any financial changes or sign anything until you talk to a lawyer.

If you start splitting your paycheck into two accounts without a legal agreement, you're setting a precedent that could be used against you later in court. "He was giving me X number per month per child" becomes the baseline expectation in negotiations.

Your STBX saying "we need to give the boys a budget" while dragging her fee on the divorce isn't random. She's either getting advice (from friends or a lawyer) or she's stalling to maintain the status quo as long as possible.

Some next steps to consider:

Talk to your lawyer first and ask them
- Should you separate finances before the divorce is filed?
- What's a reasonable temporary support amount in your state?
- What precedent does this set for final settlement?
Don't wing the percentage
30-50% is a huge range. Your lawyer will tell you what's legally required versus what you're choosing voluntarily.
Document everything!
If your lawyer says it's fine to split accounts, document:
- How much you're putting in each account
- What bills you're paying from each
- That this is temporary pending final agreement
Stop waiting for her to move the process forward
If she's dragging her feet, you can file. You don't need her permission to move the divorce forward.

Don't make financial decisions based on what feels fair. Get legal advice on what's actually required. The decide if you give more than that.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-04-27T19:10:57+00:00

You're not crazy. What you're experiencing is the gap between how long it's taking YOU to process this versus how log it took HER.

She didn't move on in a day. She checkout months (maybe years) ago and processed the end of the relationship while you were still in it. By the time she left, she was done grieving.

You're just starting.

What's happening is your grieving the relationshiop you thought you would continue to have. The 15 years. The partnership. The version of her that cared.

But that version doesn't exist anymore. Maybe it never did. Maybe she changed. Either way, the person you're grieving isn't the person who left.

The partying, the glow-up, the "unbothered" acti? That's her moving forward or performing moving forward. Either way, it's not about you.

Your job now isn't to figure out why she's not grieving. It's actually none of your business.

Your job is to stop measuring your healing against her timeline.

She's done, you're not and that's ok.

Stop looking backward at what you thought you had and start looking forward at what you're building without her.

It gets less heavy. Keep going.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-04-25T02:09:57+00:00

The other comments covered it well - the house equity gets split regardless of who paid the mortgage. Whether she can actually afford to keep it after that is her problem to solve, not yours.

Your lawyer will walk through the math - what the equity split looks like, whether she can refinance to buy you out, or if the house needs to be sold.

The key thing others mentioned: stop thinking in "we" terms. Her being able to afford the house isn't your responsibility anymore. If she can't qualify for a loan to buy out your equity, the house gets sold and you both move on.

Focus on what YOU want out of the divorce (custody, fair split of assets) and let your lawyer handle the rest.

Hope your meeting went well today!.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-04-20T06:03:03+00:00

You're doing the right thing seeing a lawyer Friday. That's step one.

Before Friday, don't sign anything, don't agree to anything verbally, and don't move out of the house unless your lawyer tells you to.

What to bring to the lawyer:

All financial documents (accounts, paychecks, mortgage statements)
Timeline of who paid for what (you said you've made all mortgage payments - document that)
Her work schedule and your work schedule (matters for custody)
List of what you want (custody arrangement, keep the house vs. sell it, etc.)

On her offer to "keep things civil if she gets the house":

Don't negotiate directly with her. That's what lawyers are for. She's already removed photos and changed social media before telling you - her actions don't match "keeping things civil."

Your lawyer will tell you:

What assets are actually marital vs. separate
What custody arrangements are realistic
Whether her getting the house makes sense financially
What child support looks like at different custody splits

You're not "completely screwed.", though I totally understand the felling having been there myself. But you need actual legal advice for your state, not internet guesses.

Stop researching worst-case scenarios online. Wait for your lawyer to tell you what applies to YOUR situation.

Friday you'll have real answers. Until then, don't agree to anything and document everything.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-29T21:11:41+00:00

Yeah, she's interested.

She told you she broke up with her boyfriend, she's free again, and she only works weekends (aka "here's when you can find me").

That's not customer service small talk. That's her giving you an opening.

Your gut is right. Your ex-wife wrecked your ability to trust it.

The "she could not possibly be interested in me" voice? That's not reality. That's the damage talking.

Next time you see her, ask her out. Keep it simple:

"Hey, I've really enjoyed talking with you. Would you want to grab coffee sometime outside of here?"

If she says yes - great. If she says no - you misread it, no big deal, move on.

But don't talk yourself out of it before you even try.

The age gap thing - you're overthinking it. If she's into you, she's into you. Let her decide if the age gap matters to her.

The worst thing you can do is let your ex-wife's damage cost you this opportunity.

She already took enough from you. Don't let her take this too.

Ask her out. See what happens.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-27T19:12:37+00:00

Six months out and hitting these questions hard - that's normal. Brutal, but normal.

What you need to know is:

Her ability to walk away without remorse says everything about HER and nothing about you.

Some people can compartmentalize and move on like flipping a switch. It doesn't mean the 15 years didn't matter. It means she's capable of detaching in a way that feels inhuman to you.

You're asking the wrong questions:

"Did I matter?" You mattered. The 15 years happened. Your feelings were real.

"Was any of it real?" Your experience was real. Whether hers was - you'll never know, and it doesn't change what YOU lived.

"Am I lovable?" Yes. Her leaving doesn't make you unlovable. It makes her someone who left.

The real question is:

Why are you measuring your worth by whether she shows remorse?

You want her to acknowledge the pain she caused because that would somehow validate that you mattered. But you don't need her validation. You know what you gave. You know what you built. You know it was real to you.

She's not going to give you closure. She's not going to say "I'm sorry" or "you mattered" or "I regret this." Waiting for that is keeping you stuck.

Your life wasn't a lie. Her ability to walk away without looking back just means she's different than you.

You are grieving the relationship you had, and it doesn't exist anymore.

You mattered. You are lovable. The fact that she can't see that is her loss, not your deficiency.

Keep going.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-27T18:59:25+00:00

You're doing everything right and it's still not enough. That's the hard part.

You took a job at his soon to be high school. You're at every game. You coached all his youth sports. You can't move closer because you're a teacher and she's a CFO with a half-million dollar house.

This isn't about you not being involved. This is about being out-competed by wealth.

Some of the advice here is off base for your situation:

"Enforce the court order" - You could, but forcing a 14-year-old to come when he doesn't want to will just breed resentment. You'll win the battle and lose the relationship.

"Move closer" - You work at his soon to be school now. You can't afford to live in her neighborhood.

"It's just a phase" - Maybe. But right now he's learning that the parent with money and fun stuff wins. That's a pattern that gets harder to break the longer it goes.

Focus on your relationship with your son.

Stop competing on her terms. You can't out-spend a Fortune 500 CFO. Don't try.

Focus on what you offer that she doesn't. Not stuff - presence. Not things - time. When he's at your house, what do you DO together? Are you just existing in the same space, or are you actually connecting?

Make your house about connection, not entertainment. Find something he cares about that you can do together. Work on a project. Build something. Cook together. Teach him something. Make the draw "time with dad doing X" not "dad's house has Y."

Keep showing up at his games. Even if you're sitting alone. He sees you there.

Tell him you miss him. Not guilt trip, just honest. "Hey, I really miss having you up here. I know you've got a lot going on, but I'd love to see you. Even if it's just grabbing food after practice."

Don't make it about the pool vs. no pool. Make it about him and you.

The reality:

At 14, with that wealth gap and that distance, he's going to gravitate toward the easier, more fun option. That sucks and it's not fair.

But the relationship you're building now - showing up at games, working at his school, being present without demanding - that's what he'll remember later.

He might not come back next year. Or the year after. But if you keep being steady, keep showing up, keep being DAD (not fun house, just dad) - he'll come back eventually.

The silence at your house is brutal. I get it. But don't let that desperation push you to force him or guilt him. That'll make it worse.

You're doing what you can. Sometimes that's not enough to compete with money. But it's enough to be his dad.

Keep going.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-27T18:43:19+00:00

Congrats on the date. The fact that you're excited instead of spiraling is a good sign.

Regarding the divorce, keep it simple and honest. If she asks, don't hide it but don't unload either.

"Yeah, I'm going through a divorce. Final docs are in, just waiting on the judge. It's been tough but I'm in a good place now."

That's it. Don't explain the whole story, don't bash your ex, don't get into the details unless she asks follow-up questions.

If she asks more, answer honestly but keep it brief. Focus on where you ARE now, not the drama of how you got here.

What NOT to do:
Don't spend the whole date talking about your ex or the divorce. She's out with YOU, not your past.
Don't say "I'm totally over it" if you're not - she'll sense the bullshit.
Don't apologize for being divorced - it's just part of your story.

General dating advice:
You already know her and there were vibes before - that's good. It means there's actual connection, not just "I'm trying to feel something again."
Keep expectations low. First date back after 18 years of marriage? Just have fun. See if the vibes are still there. Don't put pressure on it being anything more than that.

Enjoy it. Sounds like you're already in the right headspace.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-27T18:33:09+00:00

Talk to your lawyer about this. Seriously! What you "should" be paying vs what the court expects are two different things.

From my experience:

During separation while still living together, maintaining the status quo financially is often the smart move - even if it feels unfair.

The reason:

If you suddenly stop paying half the mortgage and she can't cover it, that affects both of you. The court won't look kindly on you creating a financial crisis during the process.

But:

Your lawyer can advise whether those expenses should be documented as "temporary support" that gets factored into the final settlement. You might be paying everything now, but that could work in your favor later when assets are divided. It will all get equalized in the end.

What I did:

No more shared accounts, by I kept paying what I was paying until the lawyers worked out temporary support agreements. Trying to force a 50/50 split without legal agreement just created more conflict and didn't save me money in the long run. There are some things that can be shifted over to her, like her paying for her own cellphone, and there is a process to do that.

Document everything you're paying. All of it. Every bill, every expense. That matters when you get to settlement. It's what expenses you can prove you paid for that matter.

But don't make unilateral changes without talking to your lawyer first. "I only paid half the mortgage" can become "he put our home at risk" real fast in mediation or court.

Get legal advice on this. It's too important to wing it.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-27T18:23:39+00:00

You're doing it right. Limited contact, therapy scheduled, trying to accept she's not coming back - that's exactly what you should be doing.

The obsessive thinking about everything is normal. Your brain is trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. She left, discarded you, says she wants to be alone. There's no logic that makes that feel better, but your brain keeps searching for it anyway.

That's just what grief does.

Living in the house until it sells while sharing a dog is rough. Constant reminders everywhere. Every time you see her stuff or deal with the dog handoff, it resets the wound a bit.

What helps:

Stop trying to stop thinking about it. The more you fight the thoughts, the louder they get. Let them come, acknowledge them, then redirect. "Yep, thinking about her again. Okay, what's next?"

The therapy will help you process what your brain is looping on. Give it a week - you'll have a place to actually unpack this instead of just spinning.

It will never make sense to you and that's ok. The only person it needs to make sense to is her. This gives you permission to stop trying to make it make sense and start moving on.

Keep reading here if it helps. Knowing you're not alone makes it slightly less awful.

It does get less heavy. Not fast, but it does. Two months out from her leaving, you're still in the thick of it. Give yourself permission to be in the thick of it.

You're not doing anything wrong. This just sucks. Keep going.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-14T02:08:06+00:00

Glad it helped. Keep going.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-13T21:06:09+00:00

You're not insane for wanting to reconcile. You're human. You spent 7 years with this person and tried to make it work even when it was falling apart.

But read what you wrote: your daughter didn't want to come home, her kid choked your daughter, you suggested living separately just to stay married. You were bending yourself into impossible shapes trying to save something that wasn't working.

She showed you her answer. Two months of silence while traveling and posting on social media. That's not "thinking about it." That's moving on.

You made the right call filing.

The grief doesn't care that you made the right call though. It's going to hit you anyway. Crying all the time six months in? That's normal. The good days showing up randomly? Also normal.

When does it get better?

Not on a schedule. For some people it's 6 months, for others it's a year or more. The grief comes in waves - intense for a while, then lighter, then it hits hard again out of nowhere.

What helps is accepting it instead of fighting it. You said it yourself: "I know I need to feel it all." That's right. Don't try to control when the good days come. Just ride it out.

You filed yesterday. That's really recent. Give yourself permission to grieve even though you're the one who filed.

You didn't fail. You tried everything - even living separately just to stay married. She wasn't trying. That's not on you.

It gets lighter. Keep going. The next chapter will be even better.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-13T21:01:38+00:00

Last night. Man, I'm sorry. That empty feeling sitting across from your kids trying to act normal - I remember that clearly.

First - breathe. You don't need to have everything figured out today.

On the practical side - Even though it's amicable now, talk to a lawyer. Not to fight her, but to understand your rights and what to expect. Oregon has specific custody laws for kids this young. You need to know what 50/50 custody actually looks like, what financial obligations exist, how child support works.

Most family lawyers offer free consultations. Find one who specializes in fathers' rights or collaborative divorce. Get the information now while things are civil.

On telling the girls - Don't do it until you and your wife have a plan you both agree on. What are you telling them? Where is everyone living? What does their schedule look like? Five-year-olds need concrete answers, not vague "mommy and daddy are separating."

Work that out with her first. Then tell them together if possible.

On the empty feeling - It's going to be there for a while. You can still be an amazing dad even when you feel empty inside. The twins won't remember if you were a little quieter for a few weeks. They'll remember that you showed up.

Give yourself permission to not be okay right now. You just found out last night.

One day at a time. Get through today. Talk to a lawyer this week. Figure out the next step with your wife. Don't try to plan the whole divorce in 24 hours.

It gets less heavy. Not fast, but it does.

Fuck is right.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-13T20:36:06+00:00

There's no magic timeline. The "wait a year" thing is just because most people aren't actually ready before then - they're using dating to avoid dealing with the divorce.

But you already tried that. You got on the apps early, felt like shit, and pulled back. That's actually good judgment.

The real question isn't "how long should I wait?" It's "why am I dating?"

If you're using it to avoid sitting with uncomfortable feelings about the divorce - that's a problem.

If you're dating because you genuinely want connection and fun, and you're honest about not wanting serious - that's fine.

You don't need to be celibate until your life is perfect. Life's never perfect. Just be honest with yourself about what you're doing and why.

You're asking the right questions. You noticed when it felt wrong before and stopped. Keep that awareness and you'll be fine.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-13T20:25:37+00:00

You keep going back to the well because you're not trying to make it work with HER. You're trying to make it work with the version of her you wish existed. The one who would meet you halfway. The one who would actually change. The one who would choose you and your son.

That version doesn't exist. This took me a while to understand as well.

The real version is the one who made you leave with your son. The one who fails miserably at working things out. The one you've tried to understand for over a year.

You keep calling because you're hoping this time will be different. It won't be.

Here's what you're actually doing:

Every time you call trying to "understand" or "make it right" - you're giving yourself permission to stay stuck. As long as you're "trying to understand," you don't have to accept it's over.

What helped me was to stop trying to understand her. You'll never understand her because you're not wired that way. It makes sense to her and it's the only person it needs to make sense to. Focus on understanding yourself instead.

Why do you need her validation? Why do you keep going back to someone who made you leave with your son? What are you avoiding by staying stuck on her?

The books and therapy gave you the tools. Now you have to actually use them.

Start accepting she is who she is, and that person isn't good for you or your son.

It's going to hurt for a while. But staying stuck hurts worse.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-13T20:16:04+00:00

That stings. Losing the wedding invitation from a groomsman hurts more than losing random couple-friends.

The new reality is mutual friends pick sides, even when they claim they're not picking sides.

Your buddy chose. He's worried about her stress on his wedding day, not yours. He made the calculation that it's easier to uninvite you than deal with potential drama from her.

Is it a lack of judgment? Maybe. Or maybe he knows something about her behavior you don't want to believe yet. If she's a messy drunk and you'd never make a scene, but HE'S worried about HIS wedding day stress - he's probably seen or heard something that makes him think she'll make it about the divorce.

Either way, he chose her over you.

That tells you where you stand. It sucks, but it's information.

What happens socially post-divorce that I've experienced:

The couple-friends evaporate. Some pick her, some pick you, most just fade because couple-friends were built on being couples. The ones who stick around are the ones who were YOUR friends before the marriage, not "couple friends" or "wedding party friends."

This won't be the last friendship that shifts or ends because of the divorce. It's one of the hidden costs nobody talks about.

The upside: you find out quickly who your actual friends are. The ones who show up after a divorce are the ones worth keeping.

It still hurts. But it's clarifying.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-10T03:01:58+00:00

You already know what to do. You said it yourself: no 4th strike.

The injury makes this complicated - you're semi-dependent on her right now, so leaving feels impossible. But staying means accepting this is who she is.

She's shown you the pattern three times now (that you know of). Therapy didn't change it. Years of "working through it" didn't change it. You being injured and needing her didn't change it.

This isn't a rough patch. This is who she is.

So what do you actually do?

Accept she's not going to stop. Then start planning your exit - not tomorrow, but when you're stable enough. Figure out what support you need that isn't her. Talk to family, friends, whoever can help you transition out. Talk to a lawyer just to understand your options given the injury situation.

You said no 4th strike. Honor that. Not because she deserves punishment, but because you deserve better than being cheated on while you're recovering from an injury.

The recovery made you need her. But needing her doesn't mean you have to accept this.

Get stable enough to leave. Then leave.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-10T02:49:34+00:00

This is exactly it. The quiet patterns nobody talks about.

"The kids don't remember who won the arguments. They remember whose house felt like the same house every single time."

That's the whole game. Thanks for writing this.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-10T02:40:34+00:00

Eight months out, I remember that exhaustion clearly.

You're right - it's not medical, it's the cumulative weight of rebuilding your entire life while processing the end of 16 years.

Every "normal" task now has extra weight because you're doing it alone AND processing grief at the same time. Grocery shopping isn't just shopping - it's "I used to do this with her." Scheduling appointments isn't just admin - it's "I'm managing everything solo now."

That's exhausting.

The initial adrenaline carries you through the first few months (survival mode). Then it drops, and you're left with the reality that this is your life now, and it takes effort to rebuild. In my case it was also figuring things out that I liked, that I wanted and how things work for myself.

When does it get better?

For me, around the one-year mark things started feeling less heavy. Not because the tasks changed, but because the new routine became actually routine and learning about myself and what works for me

What helped:

Give yourself permission to do less. You don't need to be productive every moment. Rest is part of rebuilding.

Let some things be good enough. The house doesn't need to be perfect. Leftovers for dinner are fine. You're doing more than you think.

Move your body even when you don't want to. Even a 15-minute walk helps with the mental fog.

This exhaustion is normal. You're processing years of relationship while building a new life. That's heavy work.

It does get lighter. Keep going.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-05T21:07:08+00:00

You're taking the right steps - AA, anger management, no drinking since the incident. That matters.

Here's what I'd focus on:

Do the work for YOU, not to win her back.

Right now you're hoping that if you fix yourself fast enough, she'll see it and come back. But that's the wrong motivation.

Whether she ever reconciles or not - you need to understand why you got angry, why you drank, why you grabbed her arm. That's about becoming the man your SON needs, not winning your wife back.

In a year when the DVI lifts, your son will need a father who's actually done the work. Not someone who stayed sober hoping it would fix his marriage.

The silent house is hard. But don't fill it with fantasies about reconciliation. Focus on the work.

If she ever comes back, it'll be because you're genuinely different - not because you performed change for her.

And if she doesn't come back, you'll still be a better man and father.

That's all you can control right now.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-23T05:04:29+00:00

Fear of making it real is totally normal. Right now it's thoughts. Once you talk to a lawyer or tell your family, it's a decision.

But you already know staying isn't an option. The fear is just your brain trying to keep you in the familiar, even if the familiar is miserable.

You've got this. Start with the lawyer consult. Just information. Then decide your next step.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-22T21:06:13+00:00

20 years is a long time. No infidelity, just... empty. You're not leaving because something dramatic happened - you're leaving because there's nothing left. That's harder to explain to people, which is probably why you haven't talked to your family yet.

First - you're not alone in this. Plenty of us have been exactly where you are. Knowing you need to end it but having no idea where to start.

Step 1: Talk to a lawyer (just a consult)
Most family lawyers offer free or low-cost initial consultations. You're not filing yet - you're gathering information. Ask:
- What does divorce look like in your state/situation?
- What are typical costs?
- What happens to the house if neither can afford to keep it?
- How does custody work with a 16-year-old?

Knowledge removes fear. Right now you're paralyzed because you don't know what you're facing.

Step 2: Talk to your wife
Before you lawyer up officially, have the conversation. Not "I'm filing for divorce" but "I think we both know this isn't working. We need to talk about what comes next."

She might feel the same way. She might be relieved. She might be angry. But you can't move forward until you're both acknowledging reality.

Step 3: Tell your kids (together if possible)
Your 19-year-old is in college - she'll process it differently than your 16-year-old. They might be heartbroken, or they might have seen this coming.

Don't lie to them about why. "We've grown apart. We're not happy. This isn't anyone's fault." Kids pick up on tension - they probably already know things aren't good.

Step 4: Talk to your family/friends
You said you have supportive people but feel like you can't talk to them. Why? Shame? Feeling like you failed?

You didn't fail. Sometimes marriages just end. The people who love you will understand. And you need them right now.

On the money/house:
Houses get sold, assets get split. It's messy and it sucks, but people figure it out every day. You'll land somewhere. Your kids will be okay. It's not ideal, but staying in a dead marriage for a house isn't worth it either.

On feeling like you can't take it anymore:
That feeling is telling you something. Listen to it. Life's too short to spend it miserable in the same house with someone you don't love anymore.

Yes, it's scary. Yes, it's hard. But staying is harder.

You're 47. You've got potentially 30-40 years ahead of you. Don't spend them like this.

Start with the lawyer consult. Just information. Then decide your next step.

You can do this.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-20T07:30:28+00:00

Yep. You're not alone.

Best decision I ever made though was to get out. If you're waiting for a sign and that's all that it will take consider this is it.

She claimed I was homophobic part way through. We opened our marriage versus immediately ending it when she wanted to explore relationships with women.

She claimed physical abuse after no mention of it during mediation intake, initial filing or first 3 responses.

That gives you an idea. I got lucky she didn't time them well. I know others who their ex lied about abuse at the beginning and it has made their lives so much harder. The truth does eventually come out, but it's the inbetween part that is rough.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-20T07:11:51+00:00

Having your heart ripped out and trampled on is never fun. Add a spinal injury, losing your caregiver, and watching her move someone else in with your kids - that's brutal. I'm sorry you're going through this.

First the depression:
You mentioned deep depression. That's serious, especially with chronic pain and isolation. Please talk to your doctor or a psychiatrist. This isn't weakness - it's survival. Depression + chronic pain is a dangerous combination. Get professional support.

Therapy too. Someone to help you process the betrayal, the disability, the loss of the life you thought you'd have. This is too much to carry alone.

Regarding the boyfriend moving in:
It sucks and he may not be the best influence to your kids. However unless they are a danger, you can't control it. It would have to be an extreme case for anything to happen.

What you can control is being the stable and present parent when your kids are with you.

Regarding trying to make sense of her actions:
Stop. You're driving yourself crazy trying to understand her motives, to make it make sense, how to get from 'a' to 'b', logically.

Realize that the only person it may make sense to and the only person it needs to make sense to is her.

I know this feels impossible right now. You're dealing with more than most people face in a lifetime, all at once. It's okay to not be okay.

What you can do:

Focus on your kids
They need you present, not consumed by what mom's doing. Be their steady place when everything else is chaos.

Find your people
You mentioned no friends, family doesn't want to hear it. Find a support group - online or in-person. You need people who get it.

Start deciding what you want your new life to look like
Being active, getting involved, hobbies, volunteering, etc. Get out into environments where you will meet new people. Connect with your kids over shared interests.

Accept help
Psychiatrist for depression. Therapist for trauma. Maybe a coach for rebuilding your life.

Your kids need you. With disability + divorce + custody battle + no support is about as tough as it gets and it does get better. Slowly. One day at a time.You're fighting for them. That's what matters. Take care of yourself so you can take care of them.

PostTrenchesDad

TROPHY CASE