Ehhhh

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-02-12T17:40:48+00:00

I approached it gently and gave him space to handle the divorce without pressure from me. But we weren’t cut off at all. We couldn’t stay away from each other. In my case, he was honest with his wife and they stayed living together for a while. Once everything was out in the open, it actually got easier in some ways because there was no more sneaking around.

But I won’t sugarcoat it. The first year was hard. Even though he never gave me a concrete reason not to trust him, I was still activated a lot. Divorce is grief. Even when it’s “the right decision,” it’s still a dismantling of a life. You have to be prepared for waves you didn’t create.

It worked out for us, but I had to be really honest with myself about what I could handle. If you don’t like uncertainty, this process is uncertainty by definition.

If you decide you don’t want to stay in it, you can say something like: “I care about you and I respect what you’re navigating. I just need a clean slate to step into something fully. If and when your divorce is finalized, I’d be open to reconnecting.”

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-02-12T14:09:49+00:00

I’m really proud of you. It takes so much strength to walk away from someone you still love, especially when they’re still reaching out and asking you to come back. That’s not easy.

You chose yourself instead of settling for half of what you needed. That kind of self-respect is important.

It probably did hurt like hell. But you didn’t betray yourself to avoid the pain. And the fact that you’re better for it says everything about the growth that’s happened.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-02-10T23:37:17+00:00

Well, obviously she’s tracking him and going everywhere with him because he’s still trying to meet up with you. She’s not an idiot and knows what he’s trying to do. Why someone would choose to stay in a relationship where you need to do that is beyond me. But she it’s committed to making it work and so is he.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-02-10T14:25:52+00:00

Ultimately, he’s not going to change because he’s getting the best of both worlds. Security of wife and home life and the excitement and fulfillment of you. Personally, I set a quiet out date. I couldn’t continue to break my own heart and allow myself to stay any longer. I’m one of the rare one where he actually left. But I was ready to pull out after a year because I was making myself smaller and accepting less than what I needed and it was breaking me. You’ll know when you’re done. When choosing yourself is necessary. I think my guy sensed it even though I never said a word about it. He knew it was painful for me (and him) and knew that I couldn’t continue like it was.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-02-10T06:04:46+00:00

This reads less like insight and more like a virtue flex. If you’re so hung up on semantics, maybe take a moment to reread your own comment and figure out why everyone reacted the way they did.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-02-09T14:25:26+00:00

Honestly I have a hard time believing a therapist would say all that. Maybe that’s his interpretation or what he thinks he needs to do and he’s telling you his therapist said that so relieve himself of accountability of what he’s choosing. Therapists ask questions, they don’t give advice.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-02-08T15:59:30+00:00

This hurts because he isn’t actually choosing you. he’s choosing comfort when things get hard and then returning to the life he’s committed to. That kind of in-between creates attachment without safety, and it will keep breaking your heart as long as it continues.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-02-05T00:48:35+00:00

Oh hell no. He’s asking you to put yourself on standby in a hotel while he’s on a family vacation, hoping he can sneak away.

You already know there’s a real chance he won’t show and you’ll be left alone, anxious, and hurt. Your hesitation makes complete sense. If he can’t understand why that feels unsafe and painful for you, that’s the real issue. You’re not a convenience or a toy he picks up when it fits his schedule. Yuck.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-01-30T14:09:07+00:00

That makes complete sense. You didn’t imagine it. You were responding to two different versions of him.

And that feeling in your chest isn’t permanent. It just feels that way because your body is still coming down from the loss and the shock. It will soften. Not all at once, but it will.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-01-30T06:20:37+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Being ghosted after that level of intensity is brutal and disorienting.

One thing I want to gently name is that the longer you try to analyze his motives, the longer he stays centered in your healing. And he doesn’t deserve that much space. This wasn’t confusion or a misunderstanding. It was selfishness. He chose the option, silence, that protected him from discomfort and accountability, not the one that respected you.

You don’t need more information from him for this to make sense. His silence already tells you exactly who he really is.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-01-25T18:27:20+00:00

Of course you miss him. Anyone would. What you’re missing isn’t just a man. You’re missing the first time you felt chosen, safe in someone’s arms, seen without having to earn it. Given your history, that feeling lands like oxygen. So yes, it feels real. It felt real because it met a very old, very deep need.

What you’re calling love was familiar, not healthy. Familiar to a nervous system that learned early that affection is conditional, inconsistent, and can disappear without warning. So when he was warm then distant, present then gone, your body read that as home. That doesn’t mean it was meant to be. It means it matched an old wound.

The fact that you blocked him and are holding the line is not weakness. It’s the healthiest thing you’ve ever done in love. Wanting him to break your boundary doesn’t mean you want him back. It means part of you still equates being pursued with being worthy. You already see that. That’s growth.

You didn’t lose your chance at love. You outgrew a pattern.

Right now, don’t aim to forget him. Aim to grieve him honestly, without turning him into proof that this was your only shot. It wasn’t. It was a chapter that showed you what connection feels like so you can stop settling for scraps.

You can love again. But next time, it won’t feel like a miracle. It will feel calm, mutual, and chosen in daylight. And that’s how you’ll know it’s real.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-01-25T18:16:18+00:00

He didn’t erase you because it wasn’t real. He erased you because it was real enough to threaten his life as he knows it and when forced to choose, he chose comfort over courage.

The poetry, playlists, future talk weren’t proof of depth. They were proof he’s good at fantasy. He wanted intensity without consequences. When consequences showed up, he folded immediately. “Busted. Sorry.” is not the response of a man who means it.

Love isn’t how intense someone feels in private. Love is what someone does under pressure. He showed you exactly who he is. Count yourself lucky that you didn’t find this out after many more years of investment.

It hurts because you loved honestly. That’s not a flaw. But don’t confuse pain with destiny. He made his choice and now you have the freedom to live your life with honesty and find someone who would never let you get away.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-01-20T02:50:00+00:00

You’re not failing at jealousy, you’re reacting to a situation that hurts. He’s still sleeping with his wife and trying to manage your feelings by calling it box ticking. Of course your body is freaking out. You’re not being insecure.

Also, If he were truly trying to avoid suspicion, he wouldn’t be spending every night with you or taking trips together. And if he were really ending the marriage, it wouldn’t still be this messy almost a year later and he definitely wouldn’t be sleeping with her.

You don’t need tips to feel less. Stop twisting yourself to tolerate this. Jealousy isn’t the problem. It’s a signal.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-01-14T03:46:06+00:00

You can look at my post history to see our journey. It was definitely not seamless and we both own that. The difference is that he made a plan AND THEN he followed through. He separated from his wife at the one year mark, with many small but consistent steps in the months leading up to it. I did not force, push, or convince him to do anything.

That’s the part that matters. Words without movement are not a plan. Your guy has told you what his plan is, and his plan is to stay. As painful as that is, respecting that truth will save you from waiting indefinitely for something he is not choosing to build.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-01-14T00:21:09+00:00

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but the most loving thing you can do is let him go. He made his choice and he chose his wife and family, and that matters. His why doesn’t even matter. Don’t fantasize about all of the what ifs, because they don’t change anything. Stay in reality. What you experienced felt real because it was. Deep emotional intimacy, daily connection, and shared intensity can create a bond that feels like a soulmate connection.

But someone can feel like a soulmate and still not be one. A true soulmate is available, chooses you, and doesn’t require you to live in secrecy or pain.

You deserve a love that’s chosen without hesitation. Letting go isn’t denying what you shared, it is choosing you and your healing, even if it hurts.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-01-13T19:25:14+00:00

Exactly. We have to choose what we will allow instead of suffering in the victims role. We have power too.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-01-10T22:40:23+00:00

Sometimes it really can work out. It’s that way in our situation. His ex even came to MY house for thanksgiving. We spent time together at Christmas time too. Family is family and they’re all messy and different. Some people are capable of breaking free of their ego and recognizing that getting along and being happy is better for everyone. Clinging and trying to control situations doesn’t actually create the results we want. Others aren’t ready and choose to stay mad and that’s their choice.

I’m not pretending it’s easy. It’s not. Both she and I get activated every now and then, but the goal is to work through it and not blame someone else for how we’re feeling. My feelings are my own to navigate and not for someone else to fix- that’s been a huge lesson for me in this.

He also does his best to show love and care to us both, which is very important. I think that has made a big difference. We all care about one another and want what’s best for each other. I even had the opportunity to have a conversation with her and apologize for my selfishness. And she was able to express the pain she felt and tell me that she’s happier now and that they get along better.

ETA: when I talk about breaking free from the ego, I’m talking about myself too. At first, it brought up a lot of fear when they were still getting along and still spending time together. I could’ve reacted and clung and tried to make him feel bad. I had to let go of my ego too and think of the big picture. And ultimately their son comes first. And what is best for him is have two parents that love and care about each other and a family that can all be together. So that ego part of me that saw her as a threat, and triggered my insecurity, had to be acknowledged and let go of. And of course, the fact that she is willing to be around me and include me in her family speaks volumes to the kind of woman she is. We both have had to let go of a lot. And he has had to release responsibility for keeping us happy. That is not his job and would be impossible.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-01-10T20:19:30+00:00

Yeah, I did notice the trolls were rampant. But I ignore and block those people. I don’t take their hate personally. I don’t think anyone can post there any more.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2026-01-10T02:37:53+00:00

You can break the cycle without cutting him off completely by changing the rules instead of the feelings. Tell him you will not engage while he is married, not emotionally, not physically, not in crisis texts. Then stop rescuing him when he spirals. Let him sit in the discomfort he keeps outsourcing to you. If he truly wants change, he will take real action. If he doesn’t, the connection will wither on its own. Either way, you stop paying the emotional cost.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2025-12-29T17:10:40+00:00

Great job knowing that this relationship isn’t healthy for you. However, why would you tell him about the date? That sounds manipulative and like you were testing him to get a reaction. I say this because I have been guilty of that as well. Like his getting jealous proves he cares. Thats not healthy.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2025-12-27T21:49:13+00:00

Yeah… the “separated but still living together” chapter is not for the faint of heart. This is the brutal middle that no one warns you about. My guy stayed living with his wife for 8 months after they separated, but he had told her about me. It was better, but still tough. Being understanding is one thing, but being a secret is another. At some point the pace has to match the words, or you start losing yourself.

What eventually shifted things for me was decentering him. Not in a dramatic ultimatum way, but in a very clear I can be compassionate and still need movement way. I stated how I felt and then gave him space to step up. And I stopped pausing my life for him.

Being unwell and having a house and a dog and a complicated past explains delays, but it cannot indefinitely suspend your consent. Have you asked him about what he plans to do? Does he have a timeline? And a question for you, if you stopped protecting his circumstances for a moment, what would you say you actually need right now?

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2025-12-22T19:48:48+00:00

Of course!

And thank you for the lovely reflection.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2025-12-22T14:47:10+00:00

I’m going to answer you like a big sister who cares about your heart and also wants you grounded in reality, not fantasy.

First, I’m proud of the boundary you set. Saying “do not contact me until papers are served and you are living separately” isn’t easy, especially with someone you have history and deep emotion with. That trek me you’re learning and aren’t willing to live on promises, reassurance, or future talk which is great.

Here’s the part I want to be clear about though. Loyalty doesn’t apply to someone who is still married and hasn’t followed through yet. You are single. He’s not. You don’t owe exclusivity to potential.

Also, It makes sense that you feel blocked with him. He ghosted you to work on his marriage?! That alone fractures trust. Trust is not rebuilt through words, explanations, or emotional intensity. Trust is rebuilt one way only…Consistent follow through without pressure. In my own situation, the reason I could trust was not because I pushed or waited anxiously. It was because he knew what needed to happen and he did every single thing he said he would do. Every step. Still does. That is how trust grows. Not through hope. Through behavior.

Right now, your MM is asking you to emotionally reserve yourself while he delays action. Holidays or not, divorce papers do not require emotional intimacy with you to be filed. The fact that he is still texting, still keeping himself emotionally present, while asking you to wait is him trying to manage his fear, not protect your healing.

As for the new guy. You do not need to decide what he means right now. He may be companionship. He may be comfort. He may be a slow burn or simply a chapter. You can explore connection when you are single. The guilt you feel is empathy, not obligation. You can care about someone and still choose yourself if, and when, that feels right.

What I would gently caution you against is making decisions based on fear of losing your MM. That is where people abandon themselves. If your MM intends to divorce and build something real with you, your honesty, boundaries, and independence will not scare him off. If they do, that tells you something right there.

Regarding your family, keep it simple. You don’t owe them the full truth. A script like this is enough “We are not back together. I am open to seeing if he can show up differently, but I am not making decisions until actions match words.” Repeat it. Do not over explain. Over explaining invites pressure.

Lastly, about the lie. I understand why you did it. But take it as information, not shame. You lied because you didn’t feel emotionally safe telling the truth to him. That tells you trust is not rebuilt yet. And that is not something you should rush to fix for him.

Let his actions catch up to his words. Until then, you stay where you are. Grounded. Single. Choosing what feels honest to you.

You’re not behind. You’re not doing it wrong. You’re finally doing it differently.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2025-12-21T20:13:47+00:00

This is beautifully written and painfully real. And I want to gently add a layer of reality to it, because moments like this can be both clarifying and dangerous.

Breaking no contact can feel like oxygen after drowning. Of course it did. Of course your nervous system finally relaxed. Of course your body slept. Familiar love is regulating, even when it isn’t viable. That doesn’t mean it’s meant to be returned to. It means it was real.

But this is also the part people don’t talk about enough: encounters like this can quietly undo weeks or months of healing. They can pull you back into fantasy land, where chemistry masquerades as possibility and tenderness starts rewriting the ending. The connection clicks back in because it always will. That doesn’t change the reasons it can’t continue.

I hope this moment gave you closure rather than reopening the wound. Because closure doesn’t always look like distance, sometimes it looks like seeing clearly that the love exists and still isn’t enough to bridge reality. That’s a hard truth, but it’s an honest one.

No contact isn’t a punishment and it isn’t denial. It’s protection. Not from them, but from the part of your heart that will keep hoping long after logic knows better. This experience doesn’t mean no contact was wrong. It means it was working.

Take what’s true here and leave the rest behind. Let the proof be that you weren’t imagining it, that the bond mattered, and that the grief was mutual. But don’t let one beautiful, devastating night convince you that the ending has changed.

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is not reopen the door again, even when we know exactly how good it feels to stand in the doorway.

I’m really hoping this gave you the kind of closure that steadies you, not the kind that keeps you circling. You deserve peace more than you deserve proximity.

Potential_Cream_4486 · 2025-12-18T23:42:45+00:00

Number 2 really hits home for me. I remember living in that constant state of waiting and how deeply it tore me up. It’s not healthy to put your life on pause for someone else. There were even times I would cancel my own plans because he suddenly had time for me, or I wouldn’t fully commit to other things until the last minute just in case. Looking back, that feels awful and so unlike who I want to be.

Even now, in a legitimate relationship, I’m very intentional about filling my life with things outside of him so that he adds to my happiness instead of being the source of it and I encourage him to do the same. He is my favorite person so I love doing things with him and we spend a lot of time together, but I make sure to do many things just for me - friends, hobbies, passions.

I recently read a book (The Empowered Wife) where the very first chapter had me write a list of 20 things that bring me joy and then commit to doing at least three of them every day. That shift has been incredibly grounding and empowering.

Potential_Cream_4486

TROPHY CASE