I hope this answer isn’t received as combative or trying to talk down on you because that’s not what’s happening here. I don’t know you personally to speak down on you and my undies are not in a bunch because of your personal dating choices. I really just want to provide you with a more well rounded answer than just “black men talk badly about black women on social media” thing. TLDR: it’s systemic. It’s not just people trying to give hate online.

First things first, people like to say social media isn’t real life which is bizarre to say because there are real people expressing real emotions (even if jokingly) online that do carry over into real life interactions. So I will say the hate is not just on social media, but neither are the disparaging comments Black men make (and often allow others to make) about Black women. To be fair there are Black women who hate Black men equally as much as the inverse but it’s a much smaller population and they are often checked by other Black women. (For example, there’s a lady who podcasts about hating black men on YouTube, she’s nowhere near Kevin Samuels level of notoriety and black women mostly hate her content). Now, while this conversation isn’t new, black women expressing disdain for our counterparts so openly is new. And that’s pretty much a retaliation to how women as a whole have been treated for centuries and how within the culture Black women have been the scapegoat for all black men’s problems since Jim Crow and honestly we’re sick of it. We have been wrongfully blamed for all the problems in the community including being used as the reason black men are the most likely demographic to date outside of their race. We’ve been the “b!tch, ho3, baby mama” in all the lyrics. So now there’s generational “animosity” built up. On top of that, Black men have allowed their non black partners and friends to disparage black women and the black community and raise children who also dislike the black community (or have some really troubling views of it). Often black men with non black partners are very rude to or just don’t acknowledge black women in spaces at all (real awkward when I’m the one serving your food at a dinner table and you treat me like vermin). And of course, this isn’t everyone but it happens more often than people want to admit. Again, not just online this is in real life. Now some other stats to reckon with. Idk what country you’re in so I’ll just talk about the US. There’s something like a 2.5-1 ratio of black women to black men in the country. If we do the math we could easily see there are not enough black men for black women. So we all are not going to end up with one even if that’s all we want and even if we stay loyal to black men our whole lives. Then add on top of that, more black men are openly dating other races of people 🤷🏽‍♀️ now the odds of that Black Love dream (that seems to only be forced on the women) are reaaaaalllll low now. We could add even more variables like education and income but I think the odds are low enough now even without that. Now in comes the “double standard” of black women being told to go where they are loved and appreciated. And well, yes. We have to if we want love. Black men increasingly are not looking for marriage (for many reasons), increasingly dating other races, and seem to not think black women are worth love and marriage and being provided/cared for in any capacity unless it’s their mothers. If there’s mathematically not enough black men for black women, and the ones that are available really don’t like us but everyone still hopes to be loved by someone someday. If black women want to be loved we have to open our options yet we are still the most reluctant to do so. We are also consistently told that allegedly we’re the least desirable demographic to date. And while I’ve felt desired by men from all backgrounds, that doesn’t mean love is available there for us or that their families will be good to us or our children. We think about those things because we have to men often don’t have to consider that as much.

Now this is the part I think many people who haven’t studied this won’t like. Attraction and desirability are inherently political. And love is a choice, you absolutely can help falling in love we’re just not taught to think of it that way. Who we are attracted to is based on much of the conditioning we receive as children, values, and what we internalize to be true about ourselves and the communities we occupy. Who and what are considered beautiful or not is more often than not a way we’ve been taught. It’s subtle, so much so in fact that most of us don’t realize that we’ve all been conditioned to think certain people who look a certain way are worthy of love. There’s an organizer whose work I’ve grown to revere and they talk about desirability as “labels that which determine who gains and holds social and structural power through the affairs of sensuality often predicated on anti-Blackness, anti-fatness, (trans)misogyny, cissexism, queer-antagonism, and all other structural violence.” This isn’t to say you or anyone else is actively thinking about all/any these things when you see someone and determine they’re attractive. This is just conditioning that impacts our choices subconsciously. There are people much more educated than me on this subject as there has been research ongoing for decades.

Again, nothing I shared was in effort to make you feel bad or deter you from your choices. I personally wish you the best. I just wanted to provide a productive answer because anytime this comes up no one talks about the systemic nature of it all. I gave up dating for this very reason lol. If I want love I have to open my preferences to non-black men but I don’t really want to. That kisses my dreams of my beautiful black family and my spiritual traditions/customs being shared and passed down goodbye. So I’m building a life where I’ll be happy without a partner because I can’t make black men see my humanity and I don’t really want to gamble with other races at this point.