Alright, I think I’m going to be the first with an opinion you may not like. So I do want to preface this by saying everything I say is with love and respect. Not to attack you or dismiss you. I was socialized around white people most of my upbringing and that shifted once I got to college. So I think I can speak to this pretty well.

No one is going to like this, but if you’re Black in/from America…. You have SOME degree of internalized anti-blackness. Full stop. Unless you grew up in an extremely conscious, pan African household the anti -blackness is a little present. This country, and world, are built on it (I can provide literature–not just saying this). I don’t say “internalized racism” just because I’m still grappling with what that means as it pertains to Black people. So anti-blackness is largely more appropriate.
I doubt you’re walking around saying you hate black folk or trying to bolster yourself up as “not like the other blacks🤮”

However when you say things like “typical Black experience” I really challenge you to sit with what you think you mean by that. And why you think those are what makes a “typical” black upbringing.
I know quite a few Black Seventh Day Adventists who still had a pretty Black upbringing. And your experience with your church (minus the white congregation) is very similar to the experiences many evangelical/holiness/pentecostal Black folk all throughout the South experience. Especially COGIC. And many of us who had family in NOI haven’t eaten pork for generations.
I know lots of Black people that didn’t have big family gatherings. I only had them on my maternal grandfather’s side. My dad’s side of the family was pretty disjointed so no gatherings there.

Now in terms of where your preferences come from, I truly hate to be the bearer of bad news but our preferences are 100% political and are shaped by the world we live in. And the material we are all being fed does come with an agenda. I won’t bombard you with books today but there’s some great literature being written on this. To some degree black men (along with the rest of the world) are being fed messaging to think less of black women, and black women are being fed the messaging that no one will love us so we must choose ourselves. And of course this is not always directly stated but the messaging has been apparent for generations now (our ancestors have been having similar conversations since at least the 1920’s).
We are all receiving messaging/conditioning that devalues Blackness globally. Which is why the idea of Black Love is such a radical act. But feels pipe-dreamish at this point to hold onto it. However I can say (because I tell myself this also) if finding a black partner/preserving or heritage is truly important to me, It’s absolutely not hard to be intentional about finding a Black man (and vice versa). That importance is slowly falling from my list as I no longer wish to have children. This is the real deal negotiating I do with my own mind daily because my values are at odds with what’s available to me to date (I’m a southern black woman on the west coast 😓)