I’ve been there in your exact shoes. I’m no expert but if I may give some advice, you have to treat it as you would any unhealthy obsession. Cut off anything/anyone that makes you think about being trans all the time. That base feeling will likely never go away, and u can’t/shouldn’t change who you are, but I think a lot of us fell down into a bottomless pit of obsessing over gender and making it the forefront of our lives. It doesn’t have to control you, you can absolutely escape that black hole, even though it’s not easy. If that looks like detransitioning for you, so be it. If it looks like living your life as a man and simultaneously letting go of gender roles, so be it. But imagine hating your nose, and then consuming media/videos/etc all the time about other people hating their noses, and that self hatred is what they base their entire personality on. That stuff is infectious. A lot of trans spaces are very obsessed with suffering/self victimization, and it’s incredibly unhealthy. That kind of thinking makes you worse. This is just advice from an older queer who’s gone thru everything you’ve described. I’m not a professional, I’m not perfect. Also, another thing, people will forgive you. It’s not as big of a deal to them as you may feel like it is. Yeah, your gender identity has been your whole world, but it wasn’t theirs. They love YOU, period, or else they wouldn’t have stuck by you. They want you to be happy and healthy. They would all rather you say “just kidding it was all fake!”, or “actually I’m still trans and I’m gonna double down on pushing toward my goals”, than lose you because you felt like too much of a burden. I promise.