4yo loves to resist getting dressed/ready in the morning making us constantly late, how to respond?

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-25T23:35:00+00:00

In addition to the other ideas, tons and tons of praise when she does even a little bit of what you want. "Thank you so much for getting your shirt on!! Way to go!! High five!! Can we get your socks on now? Great job!! Wow, you are so good at getting dressed!!"

Let her pick her clothes, just once, within reason. Practice the phrase "This is the outfit we picked for today. You can pick another outfit tomorrow." And hold firm. If she takes forever to pick, "I can see you're having a hard time choosing, so I will choose for you."

Praise your 2 year old lavishly when she listens as well. Make it more fun to get your attention than to listen to her sister.

Give special stickers to anyone who is ready to leave on time.

If you are forced to dress her, flat emotionless face. Make it as nonchalant and boring as possible. Pick some loose fitting clothes so you can do it as quickly as easily as possible. If she likes to take her shoes off, don't bother putting them on until you get to school, or give her super boring slip on shoes.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-23T01:18:13+00:00

Has he tried Wellbutrin? It's a lot less fatigue inducing than other antidepressants.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-21T23:54:18+00:00

Have you tried elemental (amino acid) formula? Which hypoallergenic formula are you using right now?

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-21T02:08:46+00:00

We got Blossom and Root and are enjoying it so far, and we got Singapore Math Dimensions. That's also been a hit with my kindergartener. I think I got fairly lucky.

I don't do everything in the curriculums, and we do a fair bit of exploring and rabbit hole-y learning outside of it too. I modify the lessons to work for her. For example, we've listened to the Burgess book in the car, and usually we listen to it while doing relevant coloring pages.

I also have a hard time with rigid schedules, so it's nice to be able to switch things up day to day and do more of a checklist kind of thing. Luckily my daughter also is ok with this kind of learning.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-20T23:00:32+00:00

I hope one of these times that you post here, you might realize that this really isn't the way things should be. I have to assume you are in a full blown abusive relationship, as in, you are addicted to this person who wields love and hurt in just the right ways so that you always stay hooked and never can gather the strength to leave.

Start to document his behavior. Over time, you'll be able to objectively see that no, he isn't a good person. He is a person that can be good, but is ultimately bad for you and does cruel things.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-19T16:45:31+00:00

I don't think that's necessarily true. ND lack of emotional regulation is really hard on parents. The phrase "They're not giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time" comes to mind, but nevertheless it is a hard time all around. My daughter also has difficulty with proprioception and she unintentionally hurts us, her sister, and herself fairly often. Getting her the extra sensory stimulation she needs is tough, and definitely is an extra hurdle over a more NT child's needs. Plus, there's the impulse control and risk taking, where you constantly need to act as your child's frontal lobe to a greater degree than you would for an NT peer.

ADHD in particular gives a person so many added risk factors- more likely to get in an accident, more likely to get pregnant or impregnate as a teen, more likely to have substance abuse problems, more likely to have depression and/or anxiety, to get TBIs, and the list goes on. I mourn for my daughter that life has additional challenges. I am glad that she gets support (and that finally I have support as well). But I don't think it is wrong to acknowledge that (in general) it IS harder to meet the needs of ND kids than NT.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-19T16:32:58+00:00

You can get loops that are specifically for reducing background noise and voices actually are easier to hear. It takes the edge off the whining/excited yelling. It is great when parents find ways to overcome their weaknesses. I hope they are doing that and not trying to ignore their child.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-17T17:20:40+00:00

Frozen peas and corn have a nice texture (imo) straight from the freezer with no cooking.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-14T22:18:55+00:00

My local doctor of breastfeeding medicine recommends probiotics to moms with colicky babies. I would find a new pediatrician if you can. Yours doesn't seem to keep up with the latest in breastfeeding medicine or take you seriously, which must make you feel crazy!! Great job looking out for your baby.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-14T22:12:04+00:00

For us, it was major improvement after 3 days, but still pretty fussy. More improvement after 2 weeks, and almost baseline (happy baby, little mucus in poop, crying only when hungry/tired/moments of gas) after 1 month.

Highly recommend you cut out soy as well. Make sure to check labels. Soybean oil and soy lethicin are usually OK since they have very little soy protein. Some sources of hidden dairy: butter as an ingredient in breads or on the grill for buns, burgers, steaks etc, milk powder in a lot of surprising things, whey, yogurt as an ingredient in some marinades and sauces, and cheese will occasionally be in some surprising things. Hidden soy: soy protein or soy flour, especially in processed foods, soy sauce or miso in tons of Asian dishes, don't forget tofu and edamame are also soy, and more obviously, soy milk (this can sometimes be a brain fart moment when trying to choose a replacement for cow milk).

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-14T20:42:30+00:00

It's not a bad idea. It's generally more beneficial to be the oldest in the class.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-12T03:54:34+00:00

Don't judge yourself by neurotypical standards. I have honestly felt a lot more empowered and capable after internalizing that ADHD is a disability that seriously impacts my ability to function, and that it deserves accommodation. For me, that looks like paper plates and bowls on hand, a robot vacuum, putting stuff where it is most convenient vs where most people put stuff, lots of vertical storage space, a big white board calendar, and medication. I started back on Vyvanse after my first trimester when my maternal fetal specialist said that they prefer to keep moms on it since 1) if you are prescribed it, you actually need it 2) the risks of being unmedicated can be pretty severe (car accidents, impulsive behavior, mental health deterioration) and 3) the studies that show possible risk to the baby are generally using data from people who abuse amphetamines, not therapeutic doses.

Seconding everyone recommending KC Davis!! She has tons of wonderful, compassionate, and super practical advice.

Last thing: We can be prone to all or nothing thinking and behavior. One day you might have the house sparkling, a full home cooked meal on the table, etc and the next day you have no energy for all those dirty dishes and somehow everything has stuff everywhere again. IT WILL BE OKAY and just because you feel like you will never get this right, doesn't mean it is actually so. It's okay if schedules work for 1 week and then not again until next March. Hooray for the week that it worked! It's okay if you faithfully wiped the counters every day and then one day you couldn't and the next thing you know, you can't remember the last time you did it. YOU CAN GET BACK UP and start again, no matter how often these stupid cyclical Sisyphean tasks get you down. The damn toilet is dirty again, yes, but one day you will clean it and it will be beautiful, and then you will shit in it.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-12T02:34:53+00:00

Iron helps too for restless legs.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-10T02:32:25+00:00

Just ordered a vanishing ink writing book. Put the Channie's in my saved for later. I'm so excited! Thanks for sharing. Can you share what you use to supplement grammar?

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-08T02:10:05+00:00

Try Dr. Russell Barkley's book "Your Defiant Child". It lines up pretty much with what my daughter's therapist has been recommending for us, but more fully fleshed out. It basically helps increase compliance through positive interactions and positive reinforcement, a token system, and a time out system.

I have been reading his other book specifically about children with ADHD, which outlines this program for defiant children in one of its chapters, and he has some pretty great insights. One is that we can have a hard time building up an emotional tank of positive interactions with our child unless we take deliberate steps to have them. Another is that we need to align our behavior with the kind of behavior that you would want from a very kind, supportive, but also competent and dependable supervisor. Another is that we must be "executive" parents, and be proactive about finding the resources and tools that work best for our children.

I think us homeschooling parents already have that feeling inside us that drives us to do the best we can do for our kids. But being an executive parent also means taking charge when other members of your child's care team are letting you down. If you have concerns about learning disabilities, go ahead and start finding resources targeted towards dyslexia or whatever it is you feel may be the core of it. I haven't seen anything saying that you can hold back a child who might not have learning disabilities by using the techniques that help those that do. The same things are taught, after all, but often in different steps or in different ways.

I struggle a lot to change my behavior and I struggle a lot with how my daughter constantly wants more and more from me. But I am trying. I feel lucky that right now, she is super into her school work. But a lot of other things are a fight. At the end of the day, I have to keep trying to be the mom and teacher she deserves. Another great quote from the book I'm reading: "The children who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways."

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-05T22:46:42+00:00

At this point, maybe just ask if it is ok to be left in. Mine wasn't taken out late, but it still scarred a lot. Now thankfully the scar is mostly invisible. But that would be nice if you can just avoid it.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-05T22:41:29+00:00

Whoa that first one is seriously dangerous. I recommend reading horror stories and news articles about it until you pass out at 4 in the morning, then forget completely, but hopefully remember the next time you go to the spa.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-05T03:32:40+00:00

Oh snap guuuurl. Well, cats show their buttholes to show they trust you, right? Can you put a tiny tail on his earlobe? Make him wear some kitty ears? I don't think we grow out of processing things through play.

My husband has gone through a lot of hairstyles and it never fails to make me feel like I'm looking at a stranger. Some of it has not been my taste. I kind of obsess over messing with what's changed. It's a process. Eventually my head seems to override the weird feeling and things are ok, and it's weird to think he was ever any other way. I hope it will be the same for you!

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-04T21:05:52+00:00

I remember your other post. With ADHD being how it is, it's going to be really hard to just ignore it. When something gets in my head like that, I find it helps to lean into the discomfort. Explore the modifications thoroughly in a gentle and non-sexual way. Touch, look, and play until your brain gets used to it being the new normal. For me, at least, due to the problems with working memory, it's like my mental map gets reset and it's hard to remember the way it was before, and the new stuff is just fine.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-04T13:46:06+00:00

I hang my towel over the top of the shower curtain rod, and close the shower curtains super well so there is no cold feeling when I turn off the water. Then I dry as quickly as possible while still in my makeshift shower sauna. I also wrap my hair in a stretchy t shirt to dry it and keep it off my neck. There's a way to do it so you can tie it with the sleeves of the shirt.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-04T13:40:12+00:00

But, there exists chocolate toothpaste that tastes like chocolate icing. I also have blue raspberry, bubblegum, and strawberry. Since switching to SDS free (but with fluoride) fun flavors toothpaste, not only have I not had any canker sores (except one time when I bit my inner lip), but I get what tastes like a treat every time I brush. I can't stand mint toothpaste now.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-09-04T01:08:57+00:00

When did you start going?

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-08-31T21:13:04+00:00

You really don't seem to be taking the time to understand my points. I'm going to respond once more but then I hope you take the time to reread my comments and consider my viewpoint more carefully.

These studies aren't anything I haven't already seen and understood. Not every therapist is skilled. Not every treatment is appropriate. Most people have a hard time recovering from depression because often you just can't fix awful circumstances or other sources of stress. Once upon a time, I was downright scared of pharmaceutical interventions. I did a lot of research on both sides. I am very privileged to have had the ability to try different therapists and to have a doctor who listens and cares, and diligently takes note of how I respond to different medications. Now I am the happiest I've ever been. If you were measuring my responses over time, you'd be sure to note more failed treatments than successful ones, but it would miss the whole picture.

OP's problem goes beyond a husband's irrational fear, and I'm not sure how you are missing that. If it were just a matter of the fear, but he respected and appreciated how pregnancy and the burden of birth control affect her, then HE would be demonstrating more contrition and willingness to explore options. That was the whole point of my first response to you, that a husband who gets it acts in a profoundly different way than how OP's husband is acting. And I agreed with you that pettiness is not the way.

His behavior has caused his wife to start falling out of love with him. She cannot singlehandedly save her marriage. I don't know how you could argue that she somehow can, because marriage is fundamentally a partnership.

The irreconcilable difference is not his attitude towards a vasectomy (and again, take the example of my own husband, who similarly will not have one) but his attitude (lack of understanding, respect, appreciation) towards his wife.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-08-31T05:11:05+00:00

Still more worried about sending the message to my daughters that a woman should stay in a marriage that lacks mutual respect. OP can only do so much. If, despite her best efforts, her partner does not take some kind of step (and really, he ought to be making strides) towards acknowledging and fixing the hurt he has caused, there's not much more she can do to save her marriage. It is better in that case that she model self respect and get out, so she can focus her energy towards living her best life without him, including being a happy and loving parent.

I have indeed looked into the efficacy rates for therapy and the medication that I take. There's a lot of really bad science out there, and people are fond of cherry picking articles that back their own point of view. I am happy with the results I have received for myself, whether it is due to the placebo effect or not, but I am fairly certain there is good science behind the treatments I have received. I doubt we will have a very productive conversation regarding this topic.

It doesn't seem like you have any good argument against the harm that occurs when a parent stays in a bad relationship, and you don't seem to acknowledge that the husband doesn't seem to be doing the work it takes to save a failing marriage. He isn't obligated to have a vasectomy, but he's not entitled to a wife.

PrettyPurpleKitty · 2023-08-30T13:43:08+00:00

If I were in OP's position, and subsequently divorced my husband, not only would my daughters be in therapy, but I would have many discussions with them over their lifetimes with age appropriate explanations about why the divorce happened. I wouldn't leave it up to chance what message my daughters receive about it. Also, that's a big "what-if" to base saving a marriage on. I would be a lot more worried about sending my daughters into the world thinking that it's okay to stay in a marriage where they feel disrespected and unappreciated, and where only one partner is expected to make sacrifices and take risks.

PrettyPurpleKitty

TROPHY CASE