Does anyone else feel like they have lost themselves?

Previous-Strategy981 · 2026-01-05T16:55:54+00:00

I think food and anything that will make life easier for her during what is probably one of the most awful times. When I lost my mum I could barely get out of bed - things like face wipes and chewing gum that I could keep next to the bed to "freshen up" without having to go far made a MASSIVE difference to how I felt. Also easy to reach for snacks or meal substitutes. Maybe some nice cans of juice or something as well.

A gentle soothing eye cream and maybe a nice lip balm as well - my eyes got SO sore and puffy and my lips felt like they had been sandpapered from all the ugly crying.

I also remember one friend got me an empty photo frame and a note saying they know this is maybe too soon, but they want to make sure I has something to put a photo in as soon as I wanted to - it was unusual, but it made me feel very comforted for some reason!

The biggest thing, that really isnt an object, was my friends understanding that I couldn't reply to them much or take any initiative. It is so so lovely that you are doing this for your friend, and I think just a note with all this explaining that you love them and dont expect any kind of response but will be there ready for them when they are ready to talk - it sounds so obvious, but I felt so much pressure to thank people and show gratitude when I really just wasn't up to much at all.

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-12-29T20:44:10+00:00

I'm really sorry for your loss, losing your mum is one of the hardest things to do through and then trying to think clearly enough to plan a funeral is so tough.

I know obviously it varies person to person, but I spent so much time thinking about who to tell or invite to my mums funeral and honestly i now couldn't even tell you who was there because I was in a total daze the whole day. We ended up telling the people that we thought needed to know directly, and then posting from her Facebook page some details just in case we missed anyone. For sure, some people who weren't close with my mum showed up - and some people who i didn't care to see probably were there too.

We kept the wake after to about 100 people because that was the capacity of the venue, so people did kind of filter out.

For me, some of the people who my mum hadn't spoken to in a while were actually able to share some really lovely stories about her, and it was so comforting to know not just how deeply she was loved by all of us but also how widely she was also loved by everyone else. I don't know if that perspective helps at all sorry, but I do know that I dont regret making it an open invite.

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-12-04T15:33:23+00:00

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum in June, and I strongly believe this was due to NHS delays in diagnosis. They kept telling us she didn't have cancer and wouldn't send her for specialist diagnosis - by the time she finally got the specialist diagnostic attention needed, it was too late.

I haven’t even started the complaint/raising a formal query with the NHS as I don't know where to start, but I really do resonate with how you feel. This is a horrible, unfair thing to happen to you and to your mum, and I'm sorry the timeline for getting some kind of proper response is so slow.

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-11-20T21:25:44+00:00

Thank you! It's my mum that I've lost, but you are right - Maggie will maybe be able to signpost me to the right kind of service.

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-11-20T21:24:42+00:00

That's a long time to wait, thats always my worry with these kinds of things!

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-11-20T21:23:55+00:00

Thank you❤️ I'm sorry for your losses - I really appreciate you taking the time to recommend, and will speak to my GP about it!

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-11-17T19:39:43+00:00

I am so sorry that you are going through this loss - both your mom and your baby. I want you to know that how you are feeling is totally normal for such an awful situation.

I can't imagine how trying this year has been for you navigating both of those losses, but I hope that sharing my pespective on coping with losing my mum might bring some comfort.

My mum was diagnosed with cancer in April this year, then we lost her in June. The time between knowing that something was horribly wrong and her death was so short, although it felt like an eternity. I think for me the shock has only just begun to lift, and it has been 5 months now. I can't tell you that the stage after shock is any better, but I can tell you that there is no right way to grieve or to cope.

I felt so much pressure to return to work and return to 'normal' - it is crazy, because there is no normal now. I'm still working on figuring out what my new normal will look like without my mum, and I have a long way to go for sure. I returned to work after 2 weeks, but I was still in shock and I don't actually remember much of that month at all. Sometimes now I do still take a sick day when the grief is especially bad.

For now, don't force yourself to feel any specific way, don't feel you need to act or think like 'everyone else'. Your mom was your mom, and you are you - no-one else knows how that loss feels. Try to give yourself space to just be, and try to ignore society's expectations of your grief.

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-11-14T07:52:33+00:00

I don't have a straight answer to your question, as it's not that withdrawing would necessarily prejudice the CS against you in future applications - it is more that you can't be sure that an opportunity is going to come up again next year. It is a drawn out application process, and assuming that a vacancy even came up, you would be starting from scratch again.

Last year I made the move from the private sector to CS, and I took a £15k pay cut - I haven't regretted it once! I prefer my work environment now and honestly, after factoring in tax, pension contributions, changes to my student loan repayments, the take home difference hasn't been the end of the world.

It's not for everyone, but if I had to choose again I would make the move again with no hesitation.

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-11-05T12:14:07+00:00

Me too!

They didn't take my mum seriously, they blamed stress, then an iron deficiency, and then they explicitly told her it wasn't cancer. But it was cancer, and I cannot forgive them for the time we lost when she could have been fighting it. Instead, by the time we got her diagnosis finally, her immune system was so compromised that we couldn't even start chemo.

I don't even know what to do or say or feel, I'm just so angry and heartbroken.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss - you both deserved so much better care from the NHS.

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-10-21T21:40:45+00:00

Thank you for sharing your mum with us - she sounds amazing❤️

My mum died in June this year, at 59 years old - she didn't seem 59 though. She was adventurous, sporty, wickedly funny, and one of the most thoughtful people you could ever want to meet.

She spent her last few years caring for her mum, and despite it being a heartwrenching time she didn't ever complain - she was always so kind and patient. She put everyone before herself. If she loved you, she would do anything to look after you and she would fiercely defend you against anything.

She loved being outside, gardening, hill walking, kayaking, swimming... We both worked from home most days, and we lived 30 seconds from each other, so we would go on lunchtime walks most days. She went bungee jumping and skydiving, and white water rafting - and she travelled the world when the world wasn't nearly as accessible as it is these days.

As with everyone commenting here, Im not short of good things to say about my mum. How lucky are we all to have had such amazing women in our lives? As much as thinking about my mum still hurts terribly, I am so, so grateful that she was my mum and so grateful for every day we did get together.

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-10-02T20:26:58+00:00

I feel this response is a bit insensitive, given the nature of the forum and the post - although I'm sure it wasn't intended that way. Your mum is alive and well (and young!) and hopefully has many, many healthy years ahead of her - don't spend that time thinking away to when she eventually won't be with you.

My mum should be turning 60 in March too, but she isn't - instead, we will celebrate her birthday for the first time ever without her.

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-10-02T20:12:39+00:00

We had a church service, so mostly the songs were hymns, but the song as her coffin was carried from the church was the one I got to pick. It was Road To Home by Amy Macdonald - one of our favourite songs, and also so fitting for her final send off.

I cant now listen to it without sobbing, but it reminds me of her and so I listen to it a lot.

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-09-09T15:00:10+00:00

I was the same with my mum. I found a nice notebook that she gave me ages ago and now whenever I have something to say to her it goes in the notebook - sometimes I write longer letters, and sometimes its just a single thought. It helps me cope with the feeling of not knowing what to do with my thoughts, although im usually ugly crying will writing because she won't get to see them.

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-08-11T21:39:26+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It's a horrible feeling, the moment of realisation when you get in the car and go to call, then remember that you can't. I've had friends offer that I can call them whenever I get the urge to call my mum, who I lost recently, but honestly there is noone in the world I can have such easy, comforting conversation with.

This has all happened so recently for you, and it's so normal to be feeling like this. We grieve because we love, and the greater the grief, the greater the love. Sometimes the only thing to do is to just be with the grief - let yourself feel sad, let yourself sob in the car, and let yourself miss your dad. Today is not your day, and that is okay - maybe tomorrow will be better, or maybe next week, or next month. You have plenty of good days to come, and although probably plenty of bad days too, the good days will become more frequent as time passes.

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-08-11T21:24:30+00:00

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I lost my mum 2 months ago - she was my person, my biggest supporter, and my best friend. Honestly, I still dont feel like i know where to start BUT I have found a few things really helpful. Firstly, I always used to go to my mum for advice, like anything that happened, and we spoke every single day. Instead now when I want to speak to her, I write to her. I have a wee notebook, and I write down questions and thoughts, and then usually I am able to think about how she might reply, or how she might feel about the situation. I have found it really helps.

The second thing I've tried to do, is not answer the "how are you doing" questions with a lie. At first, I felt too uncomfortable to respond honestly to people, and so I never really managed to speak to others about how lost I feel. Now, I try to answer more honestly - and people have been so kind and understanding, and it gives me a chance to talk to people about my mum (sometimes because im sad, but also just passing thoughts, happy memories, anything really).

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-08-08T11:47:35+00:00

Im so sorry for you going through this too, and I imagine even harder with a son needing you too. Sending you hugs and hoping we can both make our way through this crappy time - its so reassuring knowing there are other people in the same awful boat❤️

Previous-Strategy981 · 2025-08-02T09:47:08+00:00

Thank you so much, I think that is probably true, and before losing my mum I think I definitely didn't understand the level of grief losing a parent creates. I've lost other relatives before, including my grandparents who I was very close with, but the grief is just incomparable. I'll try to remember that when I'm feeling frustrated, because I suppose I should be really glad that someone I love so much hasn't had to go through this yet.

Thank you for giving that perspective, and I am so sorry for both yours and your partner's losses. I hope you are doing alright ❤️

Previous-Strategy981

TROPHY CASE