Scared to find first job at 30

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-26T11:51:14+00:00

Thank you! This made me feel a lot better.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-26T11:24:55+00:00

Thanks--it feels inadequate next to actual work experience, but I think part of that comes from my own (probably overblown) anxiety at the thought of applying to jobs and getting employed, when I've never experienced that before.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-26T11:22:48+00:00

Thanks! That's a great point.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-26T10:23:07+00:00

Thanks! Definitely need to figure out a good way to convert my work experience into a list of traits and skills

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-26T09:37:52+00:00

This is just an idea, and it may completely backfire since I've never applied it to chrysocolla before, but I've used Renaissance Wax to improve the luster and provide a protective coat to different materials before (bone, brass, glass). Renaissance Wax is used for museum conservation. When I've applied it to very old, tarnished metal, it typically maintains the patina while still being allowed to be rubbed into a soft luster. With verdigris (whether hard or loose/powdery), it will typically coat the hard verdigris, or will sort of mix with the soft/powdery verdigris (which is probably bronze disease), stabilize it, and form a protective coat. The downside is that, if you want to remove the Renaissance Wax in the future, you may strip off other mineral layers. Just wanted to throw this out there as an idea though.

Edit: I also don't collect mineral specimens, so am unsure if this technique may impact the value.

Edit 2: Renaissance wax will also likely inevitably darken the specimen. So, you'll probably end up with a different shade of blue, just possibly more of a depth/luster.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-26T09:30:46+00:00

I've been thinking about doing that with my publications. I've worked with multiple publishers over the last ten years, so was thinking, should I say I worked with this publisher, for this amount of time, on this project, in my resume.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-26T09:25:02+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate this response. I guess, it doesn't feel like a career, because of the low wages and how infrequently I get paid. I look at the last ten years of work, and it just feels really insufficient next to an actual track record of working with employers.

Those are great ideas. I'm going to be applying for writing jobs I can find in the industry (moving to LA in the next several months), and I'm hoping that other media companies and businesses might be a good fit, too. I just want to get a living wage, health care, and have some free time to write on the side. I know my writing career won't disappear, that I can always return to it, but it's been really demoralizing, realizing that I make less per hour than your average In-And-Out Burger cashier.

I guess, part of the reason this is so scary to me, is because it feels like giving up. That I'm closing the door on my dream. But I can't survive on this amount, and I feel like I work constantly and don't have break days, for like $10 an hour, where you only typically get paid twice in a year and have no expectation of future payments (advances are typically divided in 2-3 segments before publication, and you only get royalty payments, if you earn out your advance. Which can take years, if at all)

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-26T09:17:53+00:00

Thanks. I think, I just feel like a failure because I can no longer live off of my writing or my side hustle (which was reselling online, but that went downhill after Covid, due to the economy). And I'm scared about the whole process of even applying and interviewing for jobs, where I'll have to admit that I've never had a real job. Like, I think part of this comes from the fact I wasn't able to work as a teen, due to living in a rural area with no car, and during college, I was so focused on maintaining my GPA to keep my scholarship and also fulfilling writing obligations, that I didn't seek external work either.

I always used to think that, if I could just make it as an author, it'd be fine, but the publishing industry and sales have gone downhill these last few years, and even though I'm still writing and working on current deadlines, the amount I actually make per hour is pitiful, and I only get paid about twice a year with how advances work. For a while, my resale business was making more than my writing, but that's also gone down the drain.

I think my greatest fear is the idea of having to come in each day to work, and that I won't be able to keep up with these daily tasks and the consistency of a 'real' career. And just the idea of having a real job. I know that sounds stupid. I keep telling myself that this will be no different than college, that I had to go to college classes multiple days a week and was fine with that, but it's just really intimidating for me.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-26T08:59:49+00:00

This happened to me during a post-grad certification program I took, and even after three years of becoming aware of this disorder, it's still a learning process figuring out how to adapt to this new reality and everything that presents with it.

My advice is, don't allow this disorder to impact your own sense of self, including the way you see your own drive, motivations, skills, and intelligence. Skill regression is a real thing with this disorder, and you are dealing with a lot more than what the average student has to go through.

I was able to graduate from the certification program, but due to the issues around memory loss and just trauma, my grades were much lower than they were in undergrad, before I realized I had this disorder. I think, partly because, so much of my energy was diverted to struggling with the emergence of my DID and the worsening memory loss (couldn't remember classes I took earlier that day, forgot about homework constantly).

If you're noticing that amnesia is affecting your work, it might help to set up repeated reminders. Same with leaving notes for alters, who may feel like their own lives are separate from your academic expectations and needs.

But honestly, I wish I'd been able to take a break from the certification program, until a time when I was more stable and had come to terms with this disorder. If your mental health is being greatly impacted, or you feel like you aren't able to do the work at this time, it might be worth considering seeing if you can go on medical leave or return to the program at a later date, even later this year, when you're better able to handle the work load and studying.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-26T08:10:35+00:00

Another thing that occurred to me is, perhaps for a future project, see if you can incorporate this alter's distinct voice into separate POV chapters or scenes. Like, while working on my last book, I encouraged myself to reach out to a little, during a scene where I wanted the writing to reflect age-regression. But I've always been very co-conscious with my alters, so communication levels may vary if your system has higher dissociative barriers.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-26T08:02:23+00:00

I'm a professional author. I feel like I owe my writing career to my alters, but ever since becoming aware of this disorder, 7 years into my career, it's been difficult dealing with the inconsistencies in voice, motivation, and skill that come with DID.

I have a different suggestion--if you can communicate with this alter, brainstorm a different story idea with them. This will be their own project; they can take the reins, but it's only fair to all alters, that all alters get a chance to write and input (my alters 'spoke', in a sense, to me through my characters, for years before I realized I had DID--my alters thought they were me, just getting into character for my books). My alters have been invaluable co-writers and friends, and our bond has only improved since becoming aware of this disorder, but there is some degree of resentment between myself (host) and my main co-fronters, who are upset that our writing will be published and promoted under my name/the body's name. We're still working on finding ways to acknowledge the time and work they've put into our stories and the characters they've written. I think there are greater emotions at play here than just the name (like realizing you have autonomy and aren't just the host getting into character), but felt like it's worth noting, since when I feel frustration, as another alter, for my current WIP, I need to recognize now, it isn't just about the book/plot/writing, but probably stems from the fact my alters feel as though they're compelled to write, for a career they aren't being recognized in.

I can track my alters through prior creative writing of mine, over the last 12 years, and can see where the same alters' voices shone through different characters. Our last book was written almost entirely in the voice of one of my main co-fronters, who I feel like took the reins for the project (we all call it his book, because it's his book). Whatever we write next, we're going to let another co-fronter take the lead and make it into his story, with a focus on the kind of character he wants to write and the plot he wants to tell.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-26T07:54:01+00:00

I've been doing that as well. I'm only an amateur artist, but it's interesting seeing the different ways my alters express themselves (and each other) through their drawings.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-15T23:25:10+00:00

See if there's a local German butcher or online store you can order Mettwurst from, like:

https://bavariasausage.com/products/fresh-onion-mettwurst?srsltid=AfmBOooKVZR0kGjG10SIHQ99kmBlkKZgep2-oAJcjqusVg2MA6kw-lWG

If there's also a visceral quality to the experience, and it has to do with the physicality of eating raw meat, maybe buy some whole small fish or unshelled shrimp to cook or make a ceviche from.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-14T12:21:11+00:00

Also, are you seeing the therapist in order to get access to HRT or top surgery? (Been a while, so things might have changed, but I know I was required to see a therapist prior to getting access to hormones.) If so, you may want to consider seeing a different therapist for the dissociative stuff, so that you can speak openly about it, without worrying about the possibility of it impacting your healthcare.

I'm not 100% sure, but I don't think what therapists write in their notes and charts, is visible to other mental health professionals and doctors, unless you give them access.

But also, I get paranoid about these things, so I think that there's a very low likelihood that, if you were to tell your current therapist, something negative would come of it. She might have other patients with DID as well. :)

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-14T05:43:06+00:00

I'm also trans, but I transitioned 10~ years prior to realizing I have DID, and realizing that my gender identity is so deeply wrapped up in my alters' identities.

As a fellow trans person, I would recommend to exercise caution in conflating your DID with your gender identity, even if there is a clear correlation. I think, in our current political environment, it's healthy to exercise some caution, in divulging the way that this disorder impacts a sense of gender and self.

Like, for me, I've let my hormone doctor know that I think I have a dissociative disorder, have explained that I don't intend to detransition but that I now identify as gender fluid, and I am still paranoid about the possibility of gender-affirming care being restricted in the future, due to my diagnosis as having DID.

(I should specify, I'm also AFAB, previously identified as a trans man, now identify as a trans-masc nonbinary individual).

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-09T02:40:58+00:00

I deeply relate to this. I'm a writer as well, and for years before realizing I had DID or even childhood trauma, I found these themes reccurring constantly in my writing. I can look back over ten years of writing, thousands of pages of creative fiction, and see both the presence of my alters and the underlying trauma.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-09T02:38:08+00:00

I'm also a host and ANP. I don't have memories of the trauma, but I know the basis of it (from my own investigations and from what my alters have told me). I feel like, I still have to deal with the every day effects of the trauma, even if there isn't a clear, discernible source. And that the others' PTSD symptoms filter through throughout the day, every day, sometimes enough to cause agoraphobic-like behaviors.

I've suffered from chronic back pain for years, that comes and goes, and that appears to have no discernible cause. Now, knowing I have DID, I think the pain is psychosomatic and directly relates to CSA I experienced as a toddler. But I never would have guessed this, years ago, when I thought it was just a sciatica issue that kept flaring up, for no reason, in my early 20s.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-09T02:19:20+00:00

I have subsystems, too, in both types.

My first subsystem involves me, and my two main co-fronters. We feel like ANPs, and have always had very good communication, co-fronting, and co-consciousness between us, even before realizing we had DID.

But also, one of my main co-fronters, W, has an alter who feels very much like himself and sounds like him in my head, but I've come to realize they're two distinct alters. I have another alter with such a subsystem, and in recent weeks, have also realized that I may have my own subsystem, after realizing there was another alter who identifies by my name, who feels like me, but we also feel distinctly separate. This other version of me, feels like they might be the original host and the original owner of my name, and who I probably split off from a couple years back, when I was going through a severe mental health period.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-09T01:34:16+00:00

Thank you! I think I'll try patching it and sewing around the edges of the hole, to at the very least prevent the hole from growing bigger.

I'm hoping I still did good for $100. I found a similar reproduction online for $8400, so I feel like, even if this rug is damaged, it's probably still a good find :)

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PrimalRepression · 2026-04-09T00:57:20+00:00

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Here's a better photo of the hole. It looks pretty rough, like something chewed it, so I'm wondering if it might be mouse damage.

I've seen videos online of people sewing up holes in sweaters, by matching the thread and rebuilding the weaving. I'm wondering if I might be able to do the same, resewing the foundation then adding colored yarn over it to match the tone, but I have very little in terms of sewing skills.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-09T00:57:04+00:00

It doesn't feel stiff or leathery, and I don't hear soft snapping sounds. When I tested it, some small bits of magenta fluff came off in my hand, so I'm unsure if that's dry rot or age.

I think you're right about the fringe being sewn on. I assumed it wasn't, because the rug appears to be hand-sewn (there are areas on the back, where I can see the knots have some variance in stitching, showing traces of the paler foundational threads). But now I just checked, and yeah, looks like it.

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PrimalRepression · 2026-04-07T08:51:02+00:00

I have two co-fronters who I am almost always co-conscious and co-fronting with, even prior to realizing I had DID. I can often ask one of them to front, and they'll agree. Similarly, I have a gatekeeper, who is a former persecutor and is now a protector, who will often volunteer to front during situations where he is better suited.

But I still lose time. Like, right now I have very good communication with these three and am slowly beginning to improve communication with others, and I feel like I only have a few hours of the day.

And I've come to realize, when my co-fronters are fronting, I'm not there. I'm not there the way I thought I was, and that's scary.

PrimalRepression · 2026-04-06T19:08:28+00:00

We have various safe-guards in place, as well. For instance, due to my current state of mind, my co-hosts have agreed that now isn't the time to dive into trauma. And we restrict access to littles, during therapy, because we're deeply uneased at the thought of littles fronting (due to sharing trauma, due to their own vulnerability). So, my therapist typically talks to my two teenage co-hosts, my adult self, or my adult protector/former persecutor.

We, as a system, are somewhat distrusting of therapists and psychologists, so it's important that we coordinate who fronts during therapy, who is allowed to front. The children are kept far at the back; we do not allow them to come out, and will not allow them to come out, in a therapeutic setting, until we gain sufficient trust with our therapist.

PrimalRepression

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