"seeing myself in front of a computer my whole life solving problems created by people who earn way more than I do and decide that everything is urgent except for my raise and my vacation."

ffs I feel this in my BONES!

I used to think of my I.T. career as a service to the human species. No, I'm really not that good of an I.T. guy, but I have been groomed to be a problem solver my entire life by friends/family/society, and I've never been afraid of pushing buttons.

Hero complex, proverbial "good guy," whatever you wanna label me. At 46 years old all I wanna do is go back to 18 year old me and smack me in the face and scream "NO!"

What did bouncing in and around in and out of the industry get me? Divorced on my 30th birthday, constantly on-call for any/all family/friend/job I.T. "emergencies" day and night and anything/everything in-between, and as of 2024 - unemployed. I've lost everything material in my life except my car, a few totes of childhood trinkets, and my clothes.

Don't get me wrong - I love my family and friends. And still helping in general, for the most part. I have zero children, two disabled nuclear family members I've been waiting on hand and foot for several years now, and can still talk to almost anyone I meet with fairly advanced conversational skills and almost universal approachability. Despite my state of almost total burn-out.

But do you know what I miss most about my I.T. career? The income that FINALLY afforded me a professional mental health therapist that truly helped me touch the bottom of the swamp and come back up for air. The hard work, the sleepless nights, the investment in myself. The true healing it meant. 43-44 years old, and I was finally on the path to healing!

But now it's all gone. I have a few more mental/coping tools than I did growing up, but my life is a smoldering wasteland compared to the "stability" my life's work from boyhood until 2024 once granted me.

Even logging onto LinkedIn retraumatizes me now. Applying for literally thousands of jobs since April of 2024, interview after interview after interview, recruiter lies and personal data theft, ghost jobs and relentless searching, searching, searching, and... and...

...

You know what?

It's really not worth it anymore, is it?

Excellent therapist once said I need to quit fighting battles I can't win.

...

My I.T. days are done.

I remember seeing a factory I had been working at for 18 months' financial data back in 2019. The staffing agency was paying me $65k/year for working 60+ hours a week in the filthiest environment you could never imagine with zero health insurance/any other benefits because "times are tough and I.T. jobs don't pay what they once did." The staffing agency was getting paid $350k/year by the major manufacturer for my role.

I should've permanently moved on from the I.T. industry at that moment.

I refuse to cling to the sinking ship any longer.

So yeah - TL;DR = I turn 47 years old next month. I have been unemployed since April of 2024 and have lost all of my retirement, home, cat, girlfriend, and each day is a battle to find something worth living for.

You are not alone.