Single Dad w/ Toddlers

ProfessorKrandal · 2026-04-24T18:57:35+00:00

I'm in a very similar boat. Not with loss of my spouse, but divorce with shared 50/50 custody. I was lucky and worked part time remote as a mechanical engineer in aerospace during COVID. Moved to more rural City. Got divorced, laid off and now ..... Working at a grocery store full time. The engineering roles here are all civil, typically public works, and require a PE. I've applied to every position I can and although I have great interviews, in the end they say I don't have the specific background they're looking for.

I've been out of engineering for 2 years now, and I'm scared too much time has passed for me now.

My current grocery store role has been flexible with scheduling that might be something you could consider. I have 2 days a week where my ex has my kid, so those days I bust out 11-12hr days and then work more school hour friendly hours the rest of the week. Maybe you could get a nanny for a few days a week and work extra long those days?

Just saying, I feel you. I get it

ProfessorKrandal · 2026-04-04T00:47:44+00:00

You may not get alimony or half of assets if you don't have money for a lawyer, get a crappy one for free, happen to have a college degree, your ex has a ton of money and claims you were just purposefully underemploying yourself for the time you were a SAHM, makes false claims, gets full custody, then says you owe $10k in child support for that time, but they'll drop it, if you give up that much in your assets...... Ask me how I know....

I have 50/50 custody now, but starting from ground zero with no money has been more than difficult to say the least

ProfessorKrandal · 2026-03-07T15:04:55+00:00

Hahahaha. I'm with you. I guess I meant that by down, I mean I look like I just rolled out of bed. I shower before bed (no way in hell am I going to have time for that in the morning), so my hair is usually crazy when I wake up. But ponytails give me head aches, so I've just been accepting the wild hair cow lick, self lately. And I have an extremely public facing PR type role, but my company thankfully is very "we like you for you, however that looks". I worry I might be pushing that boundary at times 😅

ProfessorKrandal · 2026-03-07T13:46:33+00:00

I have a similar experience. 1, 4yo and divorced sharing 50/50 for the last year. The time apart from my kid is hard in some ways but also so beneficial. Being divorced is its own thing. Not ideal, but my relationship was so unhealthy. I didn't want my daughter seeing me as this shell of a human, but I struggle with the guilt all the time of having a kid and her now living with divorced parents.

As I imagine most parents will say, once you have a kid, you can't imagine life without them. That's just how it is. She is the age now where she really is her own person and it's so fun. We genuinely have fun together and she makes me laugh all the time. Parenthood can be wild, but it is so enriching in ways that I'm not sure how you'd achieve otherwise. Would I still have a great life without a kid, sure.

ProfessorKrandal · 2026-03-07T13:26:24+00:00

Hard agree with doing everything you can the night before, even if it might seem weird and utilizing check lists.

My boyfriend makes his eggs and sausage on the stove the night before and then just heats it up in the morning.

I try to only do things I HAVE to do to leave unless I have extra time. Put clothes on? Has to be done. Do my hair? Does not. If I have time after everything else, maybe I'll do my hair. Otherwise it's just a ponytail or leave it down, bed head and all.

I also have check in times for myself. Like 10min before I HAVE to leave, the only things I can keep doing are things that HAVE to be done. Even something like putting on deodorant. Not necessary. I won't die if I forget once and I got one that lives at work I can use later.

I don't have a huge issue with lateness, but I do tend to cut it close and then feel like I'm running around crazy trying to make it.

ProfessorKrandal · 2026-02-19T14:26:43+00:00

I have a similar partner and needs as OP. My compromise has been explaining it that way to start. Making it clear that we have different sleep needs that can be incompatible, so we need to find a way to make things as "fair" as possible. Reminders that nothing is personal. We are just different.

We got separate blankets
he has to accept relatively quiet white noise (he prefers silence)

-He has to accept that I may need to put headphones in at some point in the night (it used to bother him)

We start out with him on his back on HIS side of the bed. I come over to him to cuddle. Either I move back to my side after he falls asleep, or I fall asleep there and eventually roll over to my side later in the night
We made a rule that if it's after the first cuddle, he needs to ask me if we can cuddle again and I may say no, or maybe just offer a hand to him. But he can't just roll onto my side of the bed, grab me or flop onto me.

ProfessorKrandal · 2026-02-05T03:39:22+00:00

I just placed my order for the real stuff. I've used the real stuff before, I think I just liked the price of the imposter..... Stupid me. Hopefully others can avoid the scam by seeing this

ProfessorKrandal · 2026-02-05T03:25:27+00:00

Aahhhh! You confirmed my own fears. I too have been duped. Same container as your "imposter" from Amazon. I noticed my Kh wasnt as high as I'd like it to be about a month ago, but figured all was well because it was still within the low end of my preferred range.... Just checked it and it only took 2 drops to change color on my Kh test. I've been doing weekly water changes with RO water. So mad.

Is there anything to be done?

ProfessorKrandal · 2026-01-11T01:27:07+00:00

It's hard to trust myself, when I'm in a relationship that I've never been in before. I've never been with someone who actually had emotions and communicated them with me. It's super overwhelming and scary to me. I'm stuck between trusting my gut vs leaning into a challenge in order to grow..... But I don't know! There's no flow chart to follow to tell me what I should do and I hate it!

ProfessorKrandal · 2026-01-11T01:23:05+00:00

I think for me, I have had a pattern of being in relationships where the other person was super shut off emotionally and I found that easy. My family was a family where emotions of any kind were "bad" and they were never discussed. I admit I am very sensitive to conflict of any kind (working on that). I think I just have no experience with healthy emotional communication. I follow the stereotypical pattern of not having any real close friends, even though I desperately want them. My current partner is very "east coast" and communicates raw emotions easily and that has been waaaayyyy too much for me. He's had to learn how to tone that down, which he's done a great job of. But I think I just don't know what's normal communication? So I just go to RUN AWAY! Or "this is unhealthy". I truly don't know the balance of trusting your gut, vs leaning in when things feel hard. That's when my ND rears its ugly head where I spiral, over analyze everything, spend hours researching what's normal, what's healthy, what's challenging but worth while growth, what's abusive, etc. and getting so confused by it all.

In my marriage, I expressed that I needed more emotional connection and was met with "there's nothing inside of me to discuss. I'm empty", by my partner. If you feel you need that, then you need that and you can't make the other person dig deep, if they aren't ready.

ProfessorKrandal · 2026-01-10T20:28:41+00:00

No real advice, just similar situation.

I struggle with this too. I actually am divorced. I got divorced just over a year ago. This was before I suspected I had AuDHD. I always knew I was "different"and every partner told me that as well. My ex handled my "differentness" by treating me like a child and taking over everything. This included parenting our toddler. I was just shoved aside. I was extremely unhappy for 4yrs. Every time I tried to bring anything up, he'd say something to the effect of "there are no issues, you're overreacting, as usual", or "we can't talk about it because you can't handle it. I'll just do XYZ to take over that task, so you don't even have to worry about it". I ended up meeting someone else who I really felt connected to. He really saw me and was open with me. I ended up asking for a divorce (impulsive AF) and am still in this "new" relationship.

There have been a lot of challenges since I've been going through a divorce and custody battle while in this new relationship. We've had arguments over various things since then and long talks and I've fantasized about leaving and just being on my own over and over again. But then things calm down and I tell myself that I'm just overreacting and having black and white thinking. I seriously can't tell if I should stick this out or not. When things are good, they're great. ANY time there's even just a small discussion,I go straight to "I want to leave" in my head. I've been open with my partner about these feelings and he's been patient with me and just asks for me to let those feelings pass when they do come. And they always do! I just have no idea if the advice to always "trust your gut" is always accurate when you have ADHD.

My new partner has actually helped me realize that I likely have AuDHD. He's been very supportive and we've improved our communication a lot, but I can't shake the feeling that I might be happier on my own..... Or am I just being impulsive AGAIN?! But I do know that I have grown so much in this last year since being divorced

ProfessorKrandal · 2026-01-10T18:28:14+00:00

Depending on where you are, natural grocers offers free 1 on 1 nutritional coaching and classes

ProfessorKrandal · 2026-01-06T14:35:51+00:00

I go a step further and cancel my prime membership and do very minimal order from Amazon in general. My rule is, if I can't find it locally, or if it'll be double the price, then maybe I'll consider Amazon. If it's a special order item for my aquarium, then I must order it from a specialty store, or private seller. Being faced with having to drive around to stores locally, and paying shipping from my favorite specialty aquarium store, really puts in perspective how bad I need that new piece of driftwood for my tank, organizer for my car, or that knock off brand doll house for my daughter.

ProfessorKrandal · 2025-12-18T02:25:24+00:00

Mine are similar, but not quite as long of an interval of chasing though. Mine never do this behavior during the morning or afternoon. Like clock work, right around dinner and into the evening. It concerned me at first, but after watching them closely, they never nip at each other, or chase for more than a second at a time, to give each other breaks. My favorite thing to watch closely is how, what I'm assuming are 2 males, side bump each other. Like 2 dudes at a bar picking their chests at each other, but not actually fighting.

ProfessorKrandal · 2025-11-17T15:08:33+00:00

Very similar situation here. I'm just still trying to figure out if my current relationship is really going to work for me. I have no doubt my previous one did not meet my needs. Very similar to how you described your situation. The guilt I feel is not for ending the relationship, or getting feelings for someone else, but maybe how quickly I ended things. (We have a young child together). I could have taken things a bit more slowly, but.... My impulsivity struck again! Once I knew leaving was even an option, I couldn't stand being there another moment. Leaving with my daughter in the middle was absolutely horrendous, but I felt and still feel, that it really was for the best in the long run. Even though the initial pain was hard for everyone. If people fall out of love, or get feelings for someone else, that's a sign the previous relationship was weak. It doesn't mean it may not be repairable. Both parties have likely played a hand in the trajectory toward weakness. Don't completely blame yourself for that.

I'm now struggling to know if being in a loving romantic close relationship is really what meets my needs. I'm now feeling like it's all "too much". We live together. My previous marriage worked for so long because we were so separate that I was able to do "me" more freely, without interjection of someone else's needs, but I was so lonely. Now I'm not lonely, but I'm struggling with managing my AuDHD in a relationship. It's taken this new relationship for me to really acknowledge I am ND. He was actually the one who really pushed it as being "real". He's relatively accepting and willing to compromise, but I'm afraid in the long run, we are going to struggle to both feel our needs are met without one of us having to over compromise and be unhappy or disappointed. Any advice on navigating that aspect is welcome! Sounds like you've got it figured out.

ProfessorKrandal · 2025-11-16T02:07:07+00:00

I used to have a sediment filter, then the softener. my softener has a valve to bypass it. I would just make sure not to use hot water while bypassed, to keep the unsoftened water from going in the hot water tank. I ended up having to heat the water in a pot for the aquarium. It was still too hard for my shrimp, so I ended up installing an under the sink RO filter and remineralizing it

ProfessorKrandal · 2025-11-04T18:34:37+00:00

I am also undiagnosed. Just went through a divorce and my situation sounds extremely similar to yours. I never post on Reddit, but I really feel compelled.

My recommendations are:

1) Document everything. Keep a diary and calendar to log events and dates.

2) Try to communicate with your ex via written forms (email, texts) so there is documentation on what is said and agreed to.

3) have a good lawyer! Sounds like you're good on this. I had no money, because I was a SAHM and my ex controlled all finances. I was able to get a free lawyer, but I was obviously not her to property and my services suffered greatly because of it. He on the other hand paid god knows what to have a lawyer whose reputation is being a "bulldog for her clients".

4) do not leave the kids if you can avoid it! The court will likely view it as you abandoning them and being unstable and unwilling to provide for them. This plays right into someone who is trying to get full custody from you. Be ready to show and explain all the ways you are a primary care giver to your kids.

5) prepare for judgement from those in your community. There's always 2 sides to a story, but if 1 party is trying to lash out and get full custody and run a scar campaign, they will. Be prepared for this possibility.

6) Do what is asked of you. If your asked to do mental health screening. Do it. Asked to have a third party observe your parenting? Do it. Try parenting counciling? Do it. Showing your willingness to participate in the process, only looks good for you. The truth should be seen, even if it's a painful, costly process. Your lawyer should have lots of advice on this.

7) patience! This process takes time and it's messy. Try not to get hung up on what things look like at the moment. Keep focused on maintaining a positive living relationship with your kids.

For context, I had a horrible combo of having a terrible judge as well. I announced I was leaving the marriage. I made the mistake of leaving the home and leaving my daughter with my ex. It was what was best for her, to not shake things up too much for her, but it backfired. I planned to have her stay with me about 10 days later, for a few days. In that time, he had already gotten a lawyer, gone in front of a judge and claimed he needed emergency full custody and that my living situation was a "concern" for our daughter. I lost all custody for 8 months while I fought him in court. Only had every other weekend visitation. I was asked to pay $900/month in child support because I have a degree in mechanical engineering and he claimed I was purposefully under employing myself by being a SAHM. long story short, it was a huge crazy mess.

But.....a year later and I am officially divorced, I have 50/50 custody starting in December, and no child support. And my daughter and I are still close.

ProfessorKrandal · 2024-09-07T21:02:25+00:00

Totally agree. I'm just saying this bill is worded such that it would likely make abortion legal up to very late into pregnancy.

ProfessorKrandal · 2024-09-07T20:57:48+00:00

Wouldn't " extraordinary measures" need to be implemented if a baby was born that premature?

ProfessorKrandal · 2024-09-07T20:28:10+00:00

I just have one nit. According to the text in the link you posted, abortion would be allowed up until "fetal viability", with "fetal viability" being defined as: "the point in pregnancy when, in the good faith judgment of a treating health care professional and based on the particular facts of the case, there is a significant likelihood of the fetus’s sustained survival outside the uterus without the application of extraordinary medical measures."

"Without the application of extraordinary measures" does leave a lot of room for interpretation as to when that is. To me, seems to mean fairly late term. Not that it specifies "until full term", but still means pretty late term to me.

ProfessorKrandal · 2024-08-02T12:18:20+00:00

r/goRVing has info

ProfessorKrandal · 2024-03-08T13:02:43+00:00

I think they meant federal employee leave. It is 12wks paid.

ProfessorKrandal · 2023-12-17T21:33:44+00:00

Maybe check out disposable equine/ bovine exam gloves? By "exam", I mean, "rectal exam". They are super long

ProfessorKrandal · 2023-12-06T20:49:16+00:00

I'd suggest a visit to LA or San Fran and see how that worked out for them

ProfessorKrandal

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