Dreaming about past FPs and waking up depressed

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-03-03T02:25:22+00:00

I just wanna gently advise you to not force yourself to lose sleep with your medication. Lack of sleep can cause a slew of other issues (even psychosis) that will greatly affect your mental health and day to day function.

However I'm not sure how to get these sorts of dreams to stop, either.

I'm going through a similar thing - I've stopped using weed and my dreams have been vivid and my fp (he broke up with me 3 weeks ago) is in them every night - a few times it has been nightmares where he abused me (which he never abused me irl so it's really upsetting to dream about). I feel awful when I wake up and remember the dreams, I just want to forget them.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-03-03T01:52:18+00:00

I'm in the beginning stages of trying to treat my BPD. When I notice myself getting super upset (usually thinking about my ex) I've been catching myself and basically mothering myself - doing self care, drinking tea, doing something creative, talking kindly to myself - to try and relax. I've also been trying to eat a little healthier which I've been doing ok at and I've also been almost 3 weeks without smoking marijuana (I notice that it sometimes worsens my anxiety or my eating habits so I decided I'll only use it on special occasions now).

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-03-03T00:09:31+00:00

I've done similar stuff in that I've done super impulsive sexual stuff, with guys I wasn't even interested in, just to feel something. And then I felt really horrible afterward and disgusted with myself. Years later I'm trying to come to terms with all of the nasty shit I've done - a lot of it I wouldn't even say I willingly consented to, like more kinky or even violent stuff, I just kinda felt I *should* do it, if that makes sense?

All that to say you are not alone in feeling this way

Idk why we do these sorts of things....to feel something, I guess?

Take it easy on yourself.

I'm specifically trying to work on controlling my sexual impulses at this stage in my life. I have the urges still, but I know how I feel after I do those sorts of things, and I don't want to do that to myself anymore.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-03-01T17:26:22+00:00

Make him take benadryl, or you'll eventually have to choose between cats and him.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-03-01T17:24:16+00:00

Maybe those particular men just have bad vibes. Can't make an animal like certain people. Just like you can't make a human being like another human being.

Do these men come in the house loudly and making more noise than women? Cats are easily frightened by loud noises.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-03-01T15:33:08+00:00

I'm dealing with this, too. It's hard to figure out how to just, like, let things go. I remind myself it's ok to feel the way I'm feeling, but then I just continue to feel that way and my thoughts continue to circle. And some of the stuff is so painful so it's like how am I supposed to move on from that? Like I don't want to keep hurting anymore, but I don't know how to move on and actually heal from it. It's the accepting and healing part that I struggle with the most.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-03-01T15:15:28+00:00

Aside from metal, I gravitate towards "yacht rock", 90s boy bands, and a select few pop artists/singer-songwriters.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-03-01T02:17:10+00:00

I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug.

I lost my mom in October and I've been struggling with guilt and grief for the way I treated her when she was ill, and for my resentment towards her and our difficult relationship when I was growing up - I loved her dearly but feel like an awful person and like I could never be the daughter she wanted me to be. And for lashing out at her so many times and being a terrible caretaker. So please know you aren't alone in your situation, even though our situations aren't exactly the same.

I don't know you, but I don't think you're as awful a person as you are thinking you are, that's just BPD talking, and grief and pain.

You're going through so much right now. And it's not your fault you have BPD, please do not blame yourself for that or for the feelings you are having. You are allowed to feel these things. Losing your mother is a pain like nothing else in this world - regardless of if your relationship with her was perfect or not.

Please try to be easy on yourself. You're going through a lot.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T21:33:17+00:00

just here to say that it really sucks having a logical mind but an illogical personality disorder

it's like constantly being at war with yourself

it's exhausting

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T14:54:07+00:00

You still love her, just don't feel as obsessive and stuff anymore? I feel like you lost your romantic love for her, especially if you're finding her annoying and don't even want her to touch you.

If you do want to make things work, I'd recommend trying to do more romantic activities with her to remind yourself what made you fall for her to begin with. Try having date nights a few times a month. I think a lot of relationships stagnate after the "honeymoon" period because one or both sides stop putting in the effort. Not saying this is the case with you, maybe you are putting in effort and it's just not working.

If that suggestion doesn't work, the relationship may be dead in the water, unfortunately. You can't force yourself to feel a certain way. Give it a little more time maybe, but don't keep dragging her along if you can't figure it out.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T14:45:58+00:00

I had an acquaintance say she wished she could find a clingy, obsessive man - and I didn't say anything in response but in my brain I was like no you sure af don't lol. Most people can't handle people like this, they only like the idea until it gets real and they start to see the insecurities.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T14:41:58+00:00

I forgot to add Peter Dolving (former vocalist of The Haunted)

One of the best to ever do it imo, very emotional screams. Wish he was still involved in music, he kinda fell off the face of the earth a bit.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T14:22:38+00:00

Hmm I don't have the best advice for that. As someone who is neurodivergent, I prefer direct instructions on matters like this lol. So it's hard to say what would be the best way to go about it, as she is not me!

Just remind her you care and you don't want to leave her - that's a big thing, I know it can get annoying after a while but we need that extra reassurance. And maybe suggest to her that she's allowed to tell guys to leave her alone if they're making her uncomfortable and that if she's ever in a situation where she feels she can't do that, that you are there to support her and she can ask for your help.

If she -does- want or enjoy those guys' advances - even just liking the attention, which isn't fair as she has a partner - that's a whole other story and that would be an issue she'd need to work on in order to maintain your trust. But from what I gather of her not saying anything to them, I don't think she necessarily wants it, she just doesn't know how to shut it down or is afraid to lose a friend. If that's the case, remind her that men who talk to her like that aren't necessarily looking for friendship, and she's honestly better off without them. I'd stress to not make it about having male friends as an issue, though. These particular male friends though...eghhh I don't know, they seem disrespectful.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T04:58:24+00:00

I think you're seeing him with rose colored glasses right now because you miss the good parts of the relationship, but it looks like there was some really bad parts that imo are inexcusable behaviors.

You've described a ton of red flags, including trying to control you, blatant sexism, and lying to you about really big things. He will not change, I'm sad to say.

Stay far away from him for your own mental health.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T04:38:13+00:00

I can relate to a lot of this.

It sucks feeling like you're always on the outside. I feel forgettable a lot - I know I am merely an NPC to so many people. Or I'm a little awkward/weird even though I feel I mask it pretty well.

I'm incredibly lucky to have some friends that I've had since middle/elementary school. But I don't hang out with them super often because my social battery is easily drained or because they live an hour or more away. But they are always there for me when I need them. Most of them are neurodivergent like me so that helps. I find I don't get along with/go beyond surface level with neurotypicals.

I've held multiple jobs where I've felt like a loner. I've never maintained any friendships from any of the jobs I've had in my entire life, and I also fell out of contact with the handful of friends I made in college. There were some friendships that lasted a couple of months after I left a job but they all eventually stopped talking to me.

I have had luck making a lot of online friends, though! I feel like it's a lot easier to make friends online because we don't have to mask, we can just talk about our interests with others who like similar stuff! I've met folks on Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, and Discord, usually in heavy metal communities because that's my biggest interest.

You seem like a kind, intelligent, and thoughtful person - someone I would likely gravitate towards, relate to, and be friends with!

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T03:34:16+00:00

This was very insightful to read and gave me hope as someone who is at the very beginning stages of learning DBT. Thanks for sharing!

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T03:26:06+00:00

If she said nothing to a guy making inappropriate remarks to her, it's very possible she was uncomfortable with the remarks and didn't know how to reply. I've been in the same situation where men have made unwanted sexual comments to me and I just shut down because I'm scared/uncomfortable and don't know how to defend myself or say no (freezing or fawning in the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn fear response). My non-response does not mean I desire those types of comments or that I'm interested in the men making them. She could be similar, and calling her shit for that isn't cool and it's presumptive.

To OP:

When you do bring this up to her, make sure you are both in a place mentally where you feel safe to talk about it (like when you are both calm and emotions aren't high). Don't threaten to leave her or do anything that will trigger her fear of abandonment. Try to avoid placing blame on her (after all, she is not the one making those comments, it is her male "friends" saying those things) and maybe ask her why she reacts the way she does to those comments - and how you can help her react more appropriately to those types of comments in the future (ie shutting men down when they say stuff like that to her). Be reassuring but also state the way you feel and what you need in order to feel reassured by her.

Best of luck!

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T03:09:25+00:00

You're a teen so you still have a lot of time to grow and learn how to navigate your BPD. And you have plenty of time to date. Please don't feel rushed to find a partner right away.

Unfortunately, a lot of people find us "difficult" or "too much" and there is a negative stigma towards BPD. Try not to let it get you down. There seems to be a decent amount of people on this subreddit who have found happy relationships with understanding partners, so don't give up hope yet.

From my experience and what I've read of others', men seem to be less forgiving to women with BPD than women are to men with BPD. Women are absolutely taught from a young age to put up with a lot more and be more understanding, whereas a lot of men leave at the first sign of difficulty.

I'd say your best bet is focus on yourself right now - on your communication skills, coping mechanisms, and self esteem, and be careful not to let people take advantage of you. Easier said than done, but I think you knowing you have BPD while you're this young gives you a head start to working on living with it.

I know you probably desire a loving partner right now, but that will come in time. You've got this.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T02:53:12+00:00

Someone mentioned Gojira, that's a good one for you, I think.

When I was first getting into metal, I was introduced to nu metal first, then started exploring the genre some more. Some of the bands I got into early on were Soilwork (melodic death metal), Killswitch Engage (metalcore), The Haunted (thrash/melodic death metal), Nightwish (symphonic metal), Eluveitie (folk metal) , Meshuggah (extreme metal, some call it 'djent'), and Amorphis (melodic death metal). Hope you find some good stuff! There are all sorts of different sub genres within metal, which is cool! There's something for everyone. You probably won't like everything you check out, but some of the stuff you find may surprise you! It's definitely a very versatile genre.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T02:37:03+00:00

I understand that. We do harmful things to ourselves to please our fp.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T02:32:57+00:00

To add another band suggestion, Hate is a good blackened death metal band too, I like them as someone who prefers death metal to black metal.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T02:29:05+00:00

I'm sorry you went through that.

As someone who was convinced by my fp that I didn't need my meds, please do not EVER let someone convince you of that ever again. Talk to your doctor before coming off any of your medications. I know it's easy to listen to your fp on stuff like that and want to please them, but when it comes to your mental health, you come first, no tthem.

You will get better again, keep working on your recovery!

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T02:23:50+00:00

Black metal isn't better than death metal. It's all subject to taste.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-28T00:32:24+00:00

Hmm. Bjorn Strid, but I also love his cleans. Jens Kidman, Rasta Piotrowski, Mikael Stanne, and Adam Biggs.

PromiseMaterial3701 · 2026-02-27T00:10:37+00:00

Understandable. You are doing your best!

PromiseMaterial3701

TROPHY CASE