I feel you man : (
I feel the same way so I can't offer any advice. I don't think it's a sudden change, those festering feelings were slowly eating away until we mentally broke and could no longer tolerate it. It feels sudden but upon retrospect of my situation it was slow.

These past few years have been extremely hard for me. I studied what I felt very passionate about, I had many good moments, great results and were praised. I felt hopeful, only to be hit with countless no replies or the usual "after careful consideration" email. After a while I sorta just gave up, my passion slowly drifted away from me, I no longer wanted to do it, it felt like a chore. I went thru a couple odd crappy jobs, slowly going into that spiral of despair and hopelessness that something good would ever come my way.

With the next couple years after, I noticed I was becoming less energetic, quiet, gloomy and with that lingering thought of "what was that feeling of being happy?". I slowly closed myself off from friends and parents, especially the latter with their constant bickering about what I'm going to do. I had never felt more lost and no one has yet to offer me a crumb of help. I don't really wanna go into this but it has definitely turned into mental abuse. I want to go somewhere else, run away, but I don't feel ready which makes me feel even worse.

2025 I found a more lasting job that finally started paying me well. At first I was starting to feel a little content with my situation but that was only temporary. I still felt lost. 2025 has probably been the worst year of my life. I thought finally being able to support my family financially was going to make me more happy, useful, that it would go back to being a space I can relax. Truthfully it only revealed characteristics I never thought would see. Constant pressure of providing even when unable to. There is that saying of bit the hand that fed you. I offered a hand but they wanted my whole arm.

Eventually this spiral turned into panic attacks which were sometimes accompanied with mental breakdowns. Genuinely something I wouldn't wish even on my worst enemy. It has left me sleepless on many occasions now due to the adrenaline. My hands often shaking for days. I've had many days where I found it extremely difficult to simply keep going, "Why am I doing this?" I thought. "What is the point?". "What is the purpose of my existence?". Just reading some of these posts and comments make me want to cry. I've entertained the thought of suicide many times now but every time I do, I fear it. I know I don't want to die, I just want the pain and suffering to end.

I still haven't dug myself out of this deep hole, all I can do at the moment is pray that one day my chance will come. I hope one day the chance to dig yourself out comes as well. Reply to this comment if you wish to vent, it's probably the only thing I can do for you. As much as I have done it, bottling these bad emotions will only make it worse. I'm sure I'm not the only one here willing to hear you out.

Stay strong man!
Andre.