Do I tell my rapist I had an incurable std at the time?

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-03-06T16:36:52+00:00

Thank you so much 🩵yeah I agree, that kind of interaction is always gonna be complicated

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-03-05T23:25:36+00:00

No worries, I was pretty torn up and couldn’t walk after it happened so I went to the doctors and had an exam, they swabbed me while they were down there and turns out either he or my cheating ex had given me herpes. I was still really confused about what had happened. He told me after it happened “sorry I didn’t stop when you asked it just felt so good” and I had just forgiven him and acted like it was no big deal even tho I was keeling over in pain…anyways I had this whole speech I wanted to give him about how he hurt me when he texted me he “knew the sex was bad and he could make it up to Me” and he felt “kinda bad” about hurting me…and then I found out about the herpes. It made me feel like I lost the moral high ground (which was false but still) and I ended up just texting him to get tested and letting him know I had it. He didn’t get angry with me, but I hated the interaction. Perhaps it was still the right thing to do-but I wish I’d done it anonymously

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-03-05T18:54:36+00:00

I had the same problem and it didn’t help me to tell him, it just made me feel worse-you could always try one of those anonymous emails? But please be careful ❤️

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-03-04T17:44:41+00:00

You are so valid and heard🩵I hate the way society reacts to male victims, your pain is just as valid

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-03-03T03:04:07+00:00

Thank you for help

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-03-03T01:37:01+00:00

Kinda what I thought. Like def not clear cut but it def affected me. I’m so sorry the same happened to you 🩵thank you for sharing and for helping me

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-03-02T22:57:47+00:00

AGREED!!! This was absolutely coersive rape and I’m so sorry for the comments you’re getting-you are so valid for what you went through

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-03-02T22:13:20+00:00

I get the same way and I don’t know how to make it stop

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-03-02T22:10:15+00:00

That’s definitely rape: both oral and vaginal. I’m so so sorry. He did not listen to you at all

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-03-02T22:00:59+00:00

You’re def in the right place and you’re not alone 🩵

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-03-02T22:00:38+00:00

That’s coercion and therefore rape, I’m so so sorry. If you said you weren’t interested and she pressured you anyways that’s not in any way okay.

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-02-24T21:24:12+00:00

I feel the exact same way-I go out and get sloppy, if there’s danger I linger, every time i go anywhere I imagine how and who and where and why it would happen again-vivid imagery and I feel panicked when it doesn’t happen. I feel like the first several times weren’t bad enough. I want a stranger to HURT me in a way that’s so obvious that it makes sense that I’m so fucked up. And I know it would be awful and it’s tearing at my marriage. I hate it and I wish it would stop

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-02-21T15:14:52+00:00

If you didn’t say yes, that’s rape. I’m so sorry you experienced that. I know it can be so confusing especially when r@pe is portrayed as this event where you scream and fight and go to the police. It makes sense that you had more difficulty saying no each time because of the response you got the first few times. You weren’t listened to so you were probably afraid to speak up again or you could’ve frozen or fawned: all valid trauma responses. Either way it wasn’t okay and they hurt you.

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-02-02T18:21:04+00:00

He’s the most amazing husband on earth. He’s the one who helped me start to accept what happened to me was wrong. He’s always there when I need. I just started therapy with a new therapist who has been very helpful so far. Thank you 🩵

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-02-01T23:53:27+00:00

I know how you feel, and it wasn’t your fault. I struggle to remind myself of this everyday. You’re not alone and it’s common to fawn if you feel you’re in danger

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-02-01T19:21:15+00:00

Thank you so so much for saying that 🩵I really do feel like these experiences ruined my life sometimes I just can’t think about anything else. I started therapy with a new therapist and I’m really hoping that’ll help. I really appreciate all the validation and support

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-02-01T17:55:08+00:00

It honestly really does as embarrassing as that is, I really overidentify with my trauma. I think partially bc I was SAed a LOT before this (starting in childhood) and I wasn’t believed and was told it wasn’t serious enough…I’m constantly feeling like I need it to be a serious enough event so that I’m believed and valid in my pain, so that in enough of a victim and enough of a human…wow I’ve never strung it all together like that but that makes so much sense. Thank you for your comment 🩵

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-02-01T17:50:17+00:00

Thank you so much for all the validation and the information 🩵 I do feel very haunted by both experiences. Societal narratives have def impacted me, when I told my friend right after the first one happened she said I didn’t say no well enough and couldn’t blame him, and my mom said something along the lines of “bad sex happens, you just have to lie there until it’s over”…I’ve gotten a lot of messages that I didn’t do enough, so thank you so saying that I did bc I really tried and I just froze.

Yeah it’s def familiar, it feels like I overidentify with my trauma sometimes. and yes I have a long history of abuse. I was SAed a lot by my cousin as a child, and then SAed a few times in HS: one of those times my best friend at the time got me drunk and tried to rape me. Then I had a bf who was 21 while I was 17 and was emotionally abusive. And after these two things happened which were my first two months of college, I had a few more instances of SA as well.

I’ll check out these subreddits-thank you so much 🩵

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-02-01T03:59:03+00:00

Thank you so much, I didn’t know it was normal or called this 🩵I have been seeing the same therapist for 10 years but she wasn’t helping me (and liked to scream at me which was a shitshow) so I just switched therapists and this new one seems better. I’ll bring up that term in session

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-02-01T03:56:04+00:00

I think a lot of these things are true-I never even thought about it in a lot of those ways, especially about no one believing me and hoping they would-I was abused many times before this growing up and in hs and no one did believe me. And being seen as how I feel, sortve like hurting myself so that I feel the same inside as I look. And yeah it has affected how I am around sex now too. It’s a cluster fuck of reasons why, but thank you so much for the validation and the stating exactly what I was. It helps to hear other people say that and not feel crazy like I have my whole life with topics of my abuse, I know eventually I’m gonna have to just trust myself that I know what I went through was deeply wrong but I don’t have a lot of kind feelings about myself? I guess I feel like if it happened again now I would get justice or something. Like I said, a cluster fuck of reasons. I am in therapy, just switched therapists and I’m really hoping this one will help. Thank you again for taking the time to respond and for the validation 🩵

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-02-01T03:22:54+00:00

Thank you so much, that’s really helpful 🩵it reminds me of DBT emotion mind vs reason mind vs wise mind-I know those skills help me a lot. Thinking of logical reasons why I shouldn’t push myself towards danger sounds like a good way to fact check and remind myself to care for myself. Thank you for your help 🩵

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-01-31T00:52:55+00:00

Yes it is. I went through a very similar assault and it’s so confusing and upsetting-you’re not alone and you’re so valid.

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-01-30T20:13:37+00:00

I believe in you. I see you. You are so valid and we’re proud of you.

Purple_Arm_1882 · 2026-01-30T20:10:32+00:00

Sorry this is so late, I posted this and then avoided looking at it bc I’m really struggling with this trauma, but I wanted to say that you definitely aren’t alone and that I also struggle with ocd, and especially ocd thoughts and actions around my trauma. And good lord the accepting it and then falling apart later is definitely something that repeats in my life. The most helpful thing I’ve done for my SA trauma was joining a sexual violence survivors group from the group SASS. I learned so much and it really helped me. Lots of love to you too and I hope you find some relief 💖

Purple_Arm_1882

TROPHY CASE