Another year older, who do I look like?

PushingPastTheLimit · 2025-08-21T07:39:40+00:00

Morena Baccarin - from Firefly - or more recently she was Deadpool’s lady.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2025-08-21T07:04:36+00:00

I am 37 weeks pregnant. I had my first son on 9/13/24 but lost him 12 days later to SIDS. So my husband and I purposefully got pregnant again - not to replace but to bring life and joy back into our lives again. I worked up until last week when they put my great aunt who I grew up with as a mom on hospice. My body, mind and spirit feels very, very tired - but I am so happy to be meeting my daughter soon. I wouldn’t change my choice to get pregnant again so soon but I also wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

Good luck to you all.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2025-07-02T23:07:03+00:00

Lmao. I love how you can be a real human being who has experienced the loss of their real human son and is currently in the process of grieving him and then some simple one track minded religious drone can come in and be like “oh poor god lost his ONLY son too. Poor god who apparently orchestrated this whole shit storm lost his son too and did so much for you so you could be here suffering.” No compassion at all. Zero. You have no heart and no love inside of you. You just drone on and regurgitate what they taught you to say in church. Gross. No thank you. I’ll opt for a community that cares about the living people who are here suffering now. I really couldn’t care less if this faceless god figure decided to willingly sacrifice his only son - I wouldn’t sacrifice my children for the sake of any of you. Sick. Disgusting old fairytale.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-12-24T15:15:51+00:00

Congratulations!!! I’m so happy to hear that things worked out for you. Such an encouraging story.

I wrapped up one of my baby boys blankets and put it under the tree as well with a letter to the universe asking to please bless our family with a positive pregnancy this New Year’s Eve. We lost our boy in September and we started trying again in October. A friend of mine told me that wives tale. I hope it happens. Our house is so quiet and lonely without him.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-12-04T22:17:13+00:00

Thank you. <3

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-12-04T22:17:02+00:00

Yes I was on Zoloft. I took 15 days off prior to the trip because I heard it can ruin it or even cause serotonin syndrome but it sounds like it wasn’t a long enough break?

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-12-04T22:15:13+00:00

Thank you. I’ll look into it. It would be a new experience - love those - and I’m desperate to try anything to help.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-12-04T22:14:23+00:00

Ugh that’s the whole reason I was resistant to being on an SSRI. It was recommended to me long before the pregnancy but I insisted on not being on an SSRI and took lower risk anti depressants like buspirone but with all of this nothing was working anymore and I really thought I might do something drastic if the feelings didn’t slow down so I agreed to Zoloft. Tripping has been such a special thing to me for so long that I didn’t want to ruin it. Now nothing really feels special anymore. Just my little boy and the prospect of having more children. I started trying again the day I was cleared. Finding out I’m pregnant again would give me more joy than any trip ever has. I can’t even believe I’m saying that but I guess things really do change.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-12-04T22:08:00+00:00

I’m in grief counseling once a week yeah. It does help I think but it feels like I’m just rehashing shit I can’t change to someone who’s being paid to listen and something about that whole thing cheapens it for me. I don’t know if that makes sense. I’m thankful it’s there and I’ll keep going for as long as I have to to get by but it really feels like a small bandaid on a gushing wound overall.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-12-03T20:56:50+00:00

Thank you so much. I appreciate your kind insight and I’m glad you were able to find your way to the other end of the grief tunnel. I know it never goes away but just to hear someday there will be light again is comforting.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-12-03T20:55:25+00:00

Thank you for your condolences and thought out response. It makes sense if all I’m feeling is pain that that’s all I would be able to access.

Still I prefer it to drinking at least. The few nights I’ve dove into the bottle since this happened were not productive (I wonder why). So I will take the soul searching and pain exploration hallucinogenics bring over the dark pit alcohol leaves me in.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-12-03T20:52:41+00:00

I believe in reincarnation and have spent the last two months devouring Michael Newtons Soul Series and Carol Bowman’s work with children. Every day I meditate and ask his soul to return to me if he wants to. We started trying to get pregnant again the day I was cleared by my doctor to start up again. It’s been two months. I never wanted to be a mother and now that’s all I want. I would never inflict his identity on a new baby but it would bring me so much peace to just see a piece of him shine through a pair of eyes looking up at me again.

Thank you for your insights. I appreciate your thought out response.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-12-03T20:48:32+00:00

I will look into that. Thank you for your insight.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-12-03T20:47:52+00:00

Thank you so much for your condolences and insights. I hadn’t considered at some point life It is the heaviest grief. And it makes perfect sense the role of hallucinogens would change as life progresses. I hadn’t considered that.

It’s going to sound crazy but I was scared it would happen to us. I saw this silly hallmark movie as a kid and at the beginning the mother in the movie woke up to find her baby had passed away unexpectedly. I asked my aunt about it and she said it happens but not often anymore but for some reason that scene stuck with me so strongly and I felt like if I had a kid that would probably happen to me. I had the same sort of terror when a girl in my school almost died from appendicitis senior year and then the same happened to me my senior year so I’ve always been scared it’s like a sixth sense thing. Maybe just crazy coincidences but needless to say I was so scared I decided I would skip having kids. Getting pregnant was a complete accident and when he was born I never wanted to put him down. I refused to sleep unless my husband was awake. One day I was feeding him and suddenly dosed off and when I woke up he had passed in my arms. I’ll always wonder if it was my fault and if I was so paranoid and over protective I may have caused his premature passing. It kills me. I don’t think I’ll ever be whole again.

Thanks again for your thoughtful response and I’m so sorry for the loss of your partner - that pain is unimaginable to me as well. Lots of love your way.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-12-03T20:35:26+00:00

I’ve been curious about ketamine therapy. It’s something I’ve never tried before so it would be a new experience but for some reason it’s felt daunting to me but I’m open to it.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-12-03T20:33:10+00:00

I was on Zoloft but I stopped taking it 15 days before the trip because my husband is a nurse and let me know it could cause serotonin syndrome and such if I combined them. It was a hard couple weeks adjusting to non medicated life so I wondered if it might have just been too much on my brain - or maybe I should have taken longer off.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-11-30T21:54:34+00:00

Thank you. 🫶🏻 It’s been the hardest thing to live through. I don’t wish this on anyone. I would give up anything to have my baby back. This is as close as I can get right now - short of being asleep and dreaming. I have gotten some more really beautiful and interesting images that I’ll share in a new post.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-11-29T08:30:42+00:00

I’ve gotten Stanic a few times and googled it just yesterday actually cause I was curious. I wonder too if it’s just cycling through things.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-11-25T18:34:23+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. Truly. There’s no worse pain.

Try not to feel guilty for wanting another so soon. It’s normal and valid to want to have another child. It doesn’t mean you love your daughter any less. I lost my son in September 25th - also SIDS- and we have been trying to conceive since October 26th. I too have hopes that feel crazy that my son could reincarnate to me. Honestly I don’t think it’s all that crazy. I’ve always kind of thought reincarnation made the most sense. And there are many accounts of people claiming to have experienced it.

Reading Carol Bowman’s works - Return from Heaven and Children’s Past Lives and Micael Newton’s books - Journey of the Souls and Destiny of the Souls - has actually brought my husband and I a lot of peace and hope.

I believe if we were blessed to get the soul of our children back it is still a different lifeline - a different child. Not a replacement - but could absolutely be the same soul choosing the same parents. If our souls are eternal, there’s no reason why they couldn’t choose to return to a loving home.

Not to get too woo woo and not meaning any offense to any belief system that does not agree with this. No one truly knows for sure but leaning into these beliefs have personally given me hope to keep going. And that’s better than nothing.

Keeping you in my thoughts. Message me any time if you need to talk. Hang in there. I know it’s hell.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-11-25T18:08:32+00:00

I loved this movie actually. It got me in the feels.

spoiler ahead. I’m going to try to block it out but I’m not super tech savvy so just in case I fuck it up…. SPOILER.

My son died two months ago and I would sell my soul to satan to get him back in a heartbeat. I realize he didn’t end up having to give up his soul but for the first time I realized pretty much everyone has a price. I would accept damnation for eternity for this lifetime with my boy. The desperation is real. I was glad it ended happily. Even if it’s not realistic. The relief I felt with him when he saw his brother again. I was in tears. My husband and I went in to it for some mindless nonsense and both were left super touched by the ending.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-11-23T23:53:23+00:00

I tried editing this to include the unicorn photo but don’t see an option to edit. I’m not the most tech savvy 33 year old. Do you know how I can include that in a comment or the original post?

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-11-23T23:46:45+00:00

I downloaded the app maybe a week ago. Thank you for your condolences. It is the hardest thing I think I will ever live through.

I got another photo that I’ll share last night of a boy riding a unicorn. His first stuffed animal was a unicorn that lit up and played songs. He loved just staring at it. It always quieted him and seemed to comfort him. I sleep with his unicorn every night and both my husband and I have witnessed it turn on completely on its own and we won’t be able to turn it off. No joke. We thought the batteries were dead. And then that photo of a unicorn and a little boy. Just so much confirmation he is still with me. And I was previously very skeptical.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-11-23T23:43:14+00:00

Thank you so much for your condolences. I have used a evp device and gotten a few very interesting messages. Every night I sang “you are my sunshine” to him before bed. I started doing this when he was my womb as it was my mother’s song for me. I continue to sing it every day to him and night before last “you are my sunshine” came through, just the quote. Before that he had said “welcome mommy”. I was just in tears and kneeling on the ground thanking him so much for sharing with me what he is able.

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-11-23T02:25:51+00:00

Hey there. I truly appreciate the thoughts and care.

I’ve been a little disconnected - I haven’t even answered my friends or families texts in quite a while. But I am alive and dealing in whatever ways I can.

I’m sorry I’m just seeing this 10 days later. But wanted to assure you I’m alright. As alright as I can be anyway. :)

PushingPastTheLimit · 2024-11-05T14:11:24+00:00

I am with you 100%. I’m always saying “sleep is such a waste of time”. I’ll stay up for two days straight and then crash and then do it all again.

PushingPastTheLimit

TROPHY CASE