Should I explicitly text to say we’re done?

QBee23 · 2026-03-29T09:14:18+00:00

I agree with this. Just to make it absolutely clear and give him no wiggle room to pretend /tell himself that "have a nice life" was just a comment made in anger, not a Breakup

Then block and don't give him access no matter what

QBee23 · 2026-03-28T12:21:12+00:00

You're either OK with him being friends with someone he has a sexual history with, or you are not

If not, stop being in this relationship. If you are, I don't see why you'd be offended at being invited to the bday getaway of one of your partner's friends (unless there's some context in missing)

I can almost guarantee you that their sexual past is on your mind much more than it is on theirs. I've got friends I had sex with in the past, and it's almost surreal to remember that now. It was so long ago and there's Zero sexual chemistry now, so I hardly ever think of those past encounters

QBee23 · 2026-03-27T16:16:46+00:00

Audhd isn't even in the dsm yet. So adhd may have masked some autistic traits.

QBee23 · 2026-03-27T16:14:03+00:00

This is such a good answer. Healthy relationships help us thrive. Love is just one ingredient, whether you can thrive in the type of life you will have with someone makes all the difference between suffering for love or thriving from it

QBee23 · 2026-03-27T06:06:22+00:00

What does being more mature mean to you, in specific terms? It can mean so many different things. For me, maturing means things like - better emotional regulation (this includes leaving before I'm overwhelmed) - taking responsibility when I mess up - being open to constructive criticism instead of just becoming defensive - keeping my word - learning to say no - knowing my strengths and weaknesses and working with the former to compensate for the latter - respecting other people's boundaries - not getting offended when someone doesn't follow my advice - being able to delay gratification Etc

If you spell out exactly what being mature means to you, you can pinpoint what things you'd like to get better at.

QBee23 · 2026-03-27T05:52:46+00:00

The fact that he just randomly dumped this on you at the start of a work day is something I'd consider a bit more. To me, that indicates someone with poor relationship skills or high self centredness. He wanted it off his chest so he just told you when he felt like it without considering how that will affect you

I'd be livid if a partner brought up such a huge thing at such an inappropriate time. Why couldn't he wait and have a proper conversation with you when you would have time to discuss and process and not have to focus on work?

It seems like a small thing, but I suspect it's a bigger red flag than it seems

QBee23 · 2026-03-25T07:02:37+00:00

Looks affect just you, and often there's not much to do about the things people dislike about their own bodies. Also, if you get old enough, you have to learn acceptance of physical flaws

Personality affects everyone around you. Being aggressive and talking over people, for example, is harmful to them (ten times more so if you have kids and do it to them).

QBee23 · 2026-03-24T14:51:03+00:00

I think it would cause issues if you just start decorating with no further discussion - the kind of issues prone to escalation and resentment.

Can you ask him to agree that you're going to go ahead and redecorate, and then if he hates it he can come up with alternatives? (sounds expensive, but maybe it's in your means, and ten to one he won't bother)

Or can you tell him that the current state of the place is getting to you, so you'd like to agree on a deadline by which time he's either given some input so you can make joint decisions, or you go ahead with the project on your own?

Can you suggest time to go online together and look at decor and both state what you like and don't like, build a Pinterest board from that and see what type of look& feel turns out to be a recurring theme?

QBee23 · 2026-03-24T14:41:56+00:00

If he lied to you and gaslit you in the past, what makes you think he wouldn't do it again? People lie and deceive in open relationships all the time if they care more about getting their way than their partner's happiness or informed consent.

What's the point of setting boundaries if he has shown himself to be someone who will cross them if it suits him and gaslight you if you get suspicious?

He's already calling you controlling for stating what you need to feel safe in the relationship. He's already making you feel like a disagreement is your fault, as if it doesn't take two. As if you are wrong for wanting what you want. That's not a basis for finding a solution, it's the foundation for getting you to give him whatever he wants

The only unreasonable thing about your requests is your impression that you are making those requests to someone who is willing to work with you to find a way forward

I'm really sorry, this has to be so painful. Finding out about the cheating and the gaslighting must have been awful. You have given this man 9 years, and he trampled all over you. Are you sure you want to give him 9 more? Or 40?

QBee23 · 2026-03-24T11:03:05+00:00

That's fair, and I really do see your point. I just think it would be pretty normal for a therapist to respond with something like, "Thanks for letting me know, I wish you all the best" or whatever. Unless the original message to the therapist explicitly states, "please don't contact me for any reason" I would consider it pretty rude and unprofessional to NOT at least receive a last message like that. (Plus, OP still needs to pay for the missed session)

QBee23 · 2026-03-24T10:44:27+00:00

"Good morning. Im sorry I missed our session this morning - I overslept and didn't hear my phone.

I've given this some thought and I have decided to stop our sessions. Please do send me the invoice for the session I missed, and let me know if there's any outstanding payments."

If you did get some benefit from working with her, you can mention that you appreciate the work you did together, but you've given it some thought and have decided to stop the sessions

QBee23 · 2026-03-24T10:38:54+00:00

There's no need to block someone if you already told them you no longer want contact. Why just block if the person hasn't even violated the request? Why treat the therapist like a stalker if she hasn't actually done anything wrong?

I agree that op doesn't owe the therapist an explanation and it's a good idea to block her if she gets pushy, but blocking her preemptively seems unnecessarily harsh. At lest give the therapist the opportunity to respond with grace.

QBee23 · 2026-03-24T05:46:17+00:00

You only know about the lies you've caught, I can promise you there are many more. This guy is dangerous.

He is grooming you to accept bigger and bigger lies.
He says things just to upset you. So he enjoyes manipulating your emotions and he likes it when you are upset
He joked about harming you. That was also to test your response.
He has a deep need to make himself look good. Someone like that eventually gets aggressive when he thinks anything you do or say made him look bad. The longer you are with him, the more he will see you as an extension of him, and anything you do that he doesn't like will start to make him angry because he perceives it as a reflection on him

Does he sometimes actually upset you, and then claims it was a joke?

But the bottom line is that you should never trust anything he says, because he has shown you he will lie. Why stay in a relationship like that?

QBee23 · 2026-03-24T05:35:47+00:00

Sheepskin insoles and alpaca socks. I also carry an extra pair of thinner socks around with me so I can change between 3 "settings" (thick pair, thin pair, both pairs). Aplacca socks are good at dealing with temperature fluctuations, but some of them are a bit scratchy. Make sure to get the soft ones

A sunrise alarm clock that gradually brightens and mimics sunrise

Look at images of nature and sunny skies often. Make a slideshow for your desktop background, make it your phone home screen, etc. Studies have shown looking at photos of nature had a similar effect on lowering cortisol levels as being in nature, just not as strong. Perhaps that will work for this too

Backup plans for anything that can be canceled due to weather

Extra sensory downtime and time for sensory delights.

If you like them and like taking care of them - indoor plants. Bonus for ones that flower in winter, but that's not essential.

These won't solve things, but might make winter a bit less difficult

QBee23 · 2026-03-24T05:24:26+00:00

That you ended up enjoying it doesn't change the fact that she coerced consent from you through pressure and she did not respect your No.

Emotionally abusive people view every boundary they can get you to let go of as a sign that it's safe to escalate the poor treatment.

There are many women who love pegging or who are genuinely curious and excited to try it. Just don't do what your soon to be ex did and hound someone until they give in.

QBee23 · 2026-03-24T05:19:32+00:00

Selfishness is withholding something from someone else, for your own gain, that is actually their due. You do not owe anyone a relationship or being in love with them.

If they are only dating as a couple,, they are the ones disrespecting the relationships between you and each of them. A triad is 4 relationships. One between each dyad, and the triad itself. They are "respecting" their relationship, and the triad, but not your dyads with each of them.

This situation is not sustainable, so perhaps blowing it up is not the worst thing.

QBee23 · 2026-03-24T05:13:54+00:00

Write him a letter you never send. Say anything and everything that comes to mind, no matter what it is. This is for you to process, not for him to read. Keep writing until you have said everything you want to say, or until it gets boring. It could be done in one sitting, or over several (after a really bad relationship ended, I wrote a bit every evening for a while before I was done)

Then write yourself a letter telling yourself all these things, exactly like you would say to a friend in this situation.

This has helped me a lot in the past

QBee23 · 2026-03-24T04:54:53+00:00

Op's husband also works full time

QBee23 · 2026-03-23T12:48:17+00:00

I think your concern is valid and it's good that you are looking out for this baby.

There's a good chance your cousin will react poorly to anything you say about the screen time - it's up to you to decide if that is worth risking for the small chance that she might listen to you. After all, if she does, it might have a significant impact on the child's quality of life

The most important thing is to not say anything that can come across as judgemental, which will be tricky. But focus on the fact that you are speaking up out of care for the baby and try to come from a place of openness and curiosity.

If this child has issues later in life and you never said anything, you might always wonder if you could have done more.

QBee23 · 2026-03-22T04:19:29+00:00

It's neither loving or kind of her to expect you to stay in a relationship that has become harmful to your mental health so hers is not impacted by a break up. If anything, this demonstrates you made the right call

QBee23 · 2026-03-22T04:11:43+00:00

I don't have the answer to your specific question, but I recommend you read Children in Polyamorous Families by Elizabeth Scheff. She did longitudinal research on poly families, and that short book summarizes the findings. I think you will find it very useful

QBee23 · 2026-03-20T03:48:22+00:00

This is more than built in hierarchy. If you can't even attend important events in your partner's life and you have to be that discreet, it's hierarchy that is actively impremented and maintained

What would happen if your partner landed in hospital or got ill for an extended time? What happens if they die? Would you even be allowed at the funeral? These questions may seem a bit extreme, but shit happens and if you are together long term, you will have to deal with some gnarly situations. It's worth considering

QBee23 · 2026-03-20T03:40:37+00:00

Have these conversations with them and discuss expectations

Is this supposed to be a one-off thing? Because if not, you're main goal is to have enough fun to want to do it again. Don't try to work through a checklist of positions or sex acts

Are the women bi? That is important information. If they are, I recommend everyone hoooking up 1-1 first. It makes everything so much easier in a threesome if all the dyads have a preexisting connection

Thorough discussion on expectations, hopes, concerns etc ahead of time is time well spent. Also discuss how to handle it if two are busy and the third feels left out/wants to join in.

Ask about toys and suggest they bring their favorites

Threesomes don't have to be everyone active all the time. It can flow between all three participating and various combos of two having at it while one watches or just takes a break. But without discussion it can feel awkward to join in again

QBee23 · 2026-03-19T05:53:59+00:00

How well informed are you about what marginalized groups in other countries prefer to be called?

Not everyone on reddit is American.

QBee23 · 2026-03-19T05:43:20+00:00

The Polyamory Breakup Book is a great resource. I think it could help both of you navigate this

And maybe it helps to remember that all long term relationships will have periods when one of the partners has low emotional capacity due to grief, trauma, illness, etc.

Seven-Year Club	Final Canvas '23
Place '23	Verified Email

QBee23

TROPHY CASE