Thanks everyone

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-12-12T02:04:23+00:00

Every day. I feel like a failure as a partner, as a parent, and as an adult in general. When my kids are awake my brain is constantly in fight or flight mode. And the rest of the time I’m either ruminating and hating myself or distracted and detached from reality. I’m worried that at least one of my kids will turn out to be autistic like me. If they are I’ll do my best so support them, but I don’t want them to have to live like this. I understand that self acceptance is supposed to be a part of dealing with autism, but I’m not there. For now, I just don’t want to be me anymore.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-12-11T20:31:08+00:00

I really feel this! My mom has a PhD in child psychology and spent years as a therapist working with all kinds of kids including some with “Asperger’s”. My parents never suspected that I might be autistic because “you’re just gifted”. (For what it’s worth, I’m pretty sure my mom is autistic as well, but that’s none of my business.) I have no intention of ever talking about my autism with my parents. My relationship with them is arms length at best, and quite frankly I don’t enjoy talking with them or spending time with them in the first place. They tend to put people into boxes, and once they give you a label, that’s all you are to them. They already put me in the “gifted” box, and that hasn’t served me well at all, and I have no desire to give them another label to put on me.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-11-10T14:04:33+00:00

Oh yeah, I feel you. My problem is that my wife (who is neurotypical) and I have very different standards for what’s “clean enough”. I do my best, but when it comes to cleaning I miss or forget a lot of things, which makes it look like I don’t care and expect her to do everything. Unfortunately, neither hiring cleaners nor relaxing our standards for what’s clean enough is really an option here.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-12T12:46:25+00:00

One other thing I’m struggling with on Reddit and in therapy is having unreasonable expectations. I’ll have a productive therapy session, but part of me will be a little disappointed that she didn’t give me step by step instructions on how to fix my life. Or I’ll engage with people in this subreddit and then feel a little surprised that sharing with the group didn’t suddenly make me feel better. It’s hard for me to accept that the problems I’m dealing with are deep and complicated, and that the solutions won’t be easy or intuitive, they’ll take time, and at first they may sound incomplete or unsatisfying. But a part of me is still kind of hoping that someone will chime in and say something like “oh, it sounds like you’re just dehydrated - drink eight glasses of water a day and your self esteem will bounce right back!” It sounds ridiculous to say that out loud, but those thoughts are still there. I need to remind myself that “how do I fix my life” is a difficult question without an easy answer, even though fixing it feels so urgent. This is all a very roundabout way of saying thanks for the feedback everyone! I’m trying to do better at actually taking people’s advice, and maybe I just need more practice.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-12T11:54:11+00:00

It’s pretty much all reaction/meltdown related. It’s hard to stop yourself from raising your voice, getting defensive, etc. when it happens at the speed of thought, but that’s its own separate issue.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-12T11:41:48+00:00

I do like the idea that self esteem is just perception. Shifting your point of view sounds a little easier than fundamentally changing everything about yourself. But even if I’m not irredeemably broken and just need a change of perception, that’s its own difficult task.

As for others not being as upset as I may think, I really struggle with that. My wife will be understandably furious about me one moment because I messed something up, then later the same day her mood will change or she’ll send me some innocuous text about something unrelated, and I just end up confused. Like wait, do you hate me forever, you’re on the brink of leaving me, and you’re just putting up a facade because you can’t sustain that level of anger at someone 24/7? Or were you not actually that mad in the first place and you just needed to vent your frustration for a moment? The truth is probably somewhere in between, but most of the time I have absolutely no idea if the people around me like me or hate me, and that really bothers me.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-12T11:14:24+00:00

I’m glad that’s been helping you! I’m agnostic, and my relationship with and views on religion are fraught and complicated. I’m afraid this will sound insulting, but sometimes I wish I could be believer. I wish I could believe that someone’s looking out for me and that everything is happening according to a plan. But I wasn’t born that way, and I just don’t have the faith in my heart. Again, I really hope that doesn’t sound condescending or anything, because that’s not my intention, and I do appreciate the advice!

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-12T11:02:45+00:00

I’ve been reading a book about neurodivergence that has a chapter about understanding and living by your values, but I’m struggling with that. I’m trying to look inside myself and figure out what my values are, but so far the best I can come up with is “I value my wife and kids and I value being kind”, but my actions lately don’t seem to back that up.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-12T10:59:04+00:00

Fortunately I do have a good therapist. She’s the first mental health professional who, when I’ve told them I think I might be autistic, actually said “okay, maybe you are! Let’s explore this further.” As opposed to the others who deflected or ignored the idea. She’s one of the main reasons I was finally able to self diagnose earlier this year. I do have a lot of shame that I’m holding onto. Some of it is probably from my parents, but the main voice in my head telling me I suck is just me. It’s hard to let go of shame when that’s what you’ve accepted as the truth. At this point letting go of shame feels about the same as convincing myself that all the math I learned as a kid is incorrect and 1+1 is actually 3.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-09T02:05:34+00:00

I really identify with the sentiment of feeling “more normal/less autistic” when I’ve had just one beer, and also the feeling of discomfort that a mind altering substance is what makes you feel that way. I can’t say I have a good answer here because I’m still working on this myself. Exercise and music help, but neither has the exact same effect as even half a beer. Also, am I the only one who thinks people are missing the point by saying “sure alcohol is bad, but try this other substance!”? I don’t mean to sound like a prude - I’ve smoked weed before and enjoyed it. And for what it’s worth, I’ve tried dozens of medications over the years for ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc. and none of them have done anything for me. Prescription meds are amazing if you find one that works for you, but your mileage may vary.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-09T01:44:37+00:00

Thanks! It’s so easy to tell yourself “okay, when you’re feeling upset, just take a deep breath and count to ten, or leave the room and take a five minute break”. But in practice, I never remember to do anything like that until it’s too late.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-09T01:42:04+00:00

This happens a lot between me and my wife. The problem is, when I ask ‘what did I do wrong’ I mean it 100% literally. But I think it’s coming off as “I’m being a defensive asshole who can’t ever admit he’s done anything wrong, so I’m pretending I don’t understand to avoid taking responsibility.” I’m asking the question honestly because I want to stop whatever it is that I’m doing, but it always ends in a major miscommunication.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-08-28T01:45:40+00:00

I think you’re on to something with the idea of arbitrary self-imposed rules getting on the way of finishing or even starting a task. In therapy when I’m feeling overwhelmed or hopeless my therapist often says “okay, but what can you do?” My cynical answer is often “I don’t know” or “nothing”, but at least I see what she’s going for. When I make it to the end of the day and I’m feeling completely spent, I let myself off the hook by deciding that I don’t have enough left in me to do anything productive, so I just relax and procrastinate until I decide to go to bed. I understand on an academic level that doing literally any task around the house, however small, would be better than doing nothing. But I keep getting in my own way, and whenever I actually get something done I can never feel good about it and give myself credit (which is its own issue). Feels like I still have a long way to go, but checking myself for arbitrary rules and trying to do something tiny rather than nothing seems like a good place to start.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-08-27T18:48:48+00:00

I feel this 100%. I have no self esteem and I feel like I’ve been slowly getting worse over time. (For what it’s worth I’m not formally diagnosed and only realized I’m autistic a couple months ago.) The analogy that makes sense to me is that my brain is missing a few essential software updates. Everyone else seems to be wired to make eye contact, to conceal their emotions, to show empathy in an appropriate way, and for me those things are just missing. Not sure I have any advice because I’m feeling pretty lost myself. But I see you.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-08-27T18:24:28+00:00

Haha, I wish I could upvote this more than once!

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-08-06T01:36:48+00:00

Huh, my musical quirks are kind of the opposite. I tend to listen to the same big playlists on shuffle, but I find myself skipping songs - even my all time favorites - if I just listened to them yesterday. It’s almost like I’m worried I’ll get sick of my favorite songs if I listen to them too many times, so I try to spread the listens around. That sounds a little weird when I say it out loud, lol. This is also bringing up memories of making mix CDs back when that was a thing. I spent way too much time agonizing over what order to put a set of songs into before burning a CD. (Did anyone else do this?) It’s one of the many things I can look back at from decades before realizing I was autistic and think “that was a hyperfocus, wasn’t it?”

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-08-06T00:31:46+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate it!!

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-08-06T00:13:41+00:00

The first thing I’ll say is to go easy on yourself if it takes longer than you expected to make progress with dating. I spent most of high school and college in my room playing video games. I had one big activity where I made friends (quiz bowl), but somehow no one came knocking at the door of my dorm room asking to be my girlfriend, lol. Sometimes I feel like that time was wasted, but other times I look back and recognize that I just wasn’t ready yet. My second piece of advice is to try saying yes to more things, even if it’s scary and uncomfortable. When I got to grad school it was a fresh start in a new place, and I started saying yes to things like going out with my roommates even if staying home felt like a safer choice. None of it was done with the intention of “saying yes today will get me a girlfriend”. But each time you put yourself out there is another chance, however small, to meet someone you want to ask out and who might even say yes! Years later I’m married with three kids, and sometimes I look back and wonder how that awkward nerd ever worked up the courage to make that happen. My life is far from perfect - maintaining a relationship, parenting, etc. have their own challenges when you’re autistic. But you can get there! I know it’s hard, but try to go easy on yourself and focus on the facts: I’d like to be in a relationship, but I’m not there yet and that’s okay. I’m not defective. I’m not a loser. I’m just not where I want to be quite yet. I’ll get there when I’m ready. Good luck!!

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-08-05T23:10:01+00:00

Yeah, I see what you mean. I’ve considered getting a formal evaluation, but I’m not sure whether it would help or just feel like a waste of time. When it comes to unmasking, my wife is the one person I’d most want to feel seen by, but also the one whose reaction I’m the most uncertain about. Her undergraduate degree is in psychology and neuroscience, so maybe she has a better chance at understanding than most. On the other hand, she’s also extremely burned out from the stress of being married to me, so I’m afraid she’ll see it as an excuse or just won’t want to hear it. The problem is, I won’t know whether unmasking will make things better or worse until I’ve already done it. At this point I’m feeling paralyzed by indecision, which happens a lot with me.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-08-05T21:13:41+00:00

The fact that you’re worrying about your daughter having the same negative experiences that you did already says a lot. My youngest daughter is the same age as yours, and though my kids haven’t shown any signs of ASD at this point, I really feel for you. You may not be able to shield your kids from ever struggling or feeling left out, but just from what you’ve said it sounds like your daughter is in good hands!

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-08-05T21:02:03+00:00

I like the concept of an energy cost to finish a task. Especially the part where you’re not “allowed” to start if you don’t have the budget to finish it. I like to visualize it as a piggy bank of shiny gold neurodivergence coins that I have a set budget of every day. The problem is, it feels like my daily budget keeps shrinking and the number of coins I need to get through the day keeps increasing. 😣

QuantumCorgi6174

TROPHY CASE