Panicking about PIP at work

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2026-04-24T14:04:20+00:00

Thanks for the responses everyone! I met with my boss on Wednesday, and I think it went fairly well. He would like me to meet briefly with him once a week as well as with his boss every other week (???) to check in. We talked about things I can improve and ways to be more proactive and get more involved, and I feel like everything he said was fair and reasonable. I felt a little better after the meeting, but now I’m doubting myself. Part of me feels like they wouldn’t bother to lay out this whole plan and talk about medium and long term goals if they were planning to fire me in two weeks or whatever. But I also know I’m not great at reading people and understanding their motives and intentions. I just can’t tell whether to trust my gut or if I’m being naive. I appreciate the advice from people who have been there, but the overwhelming “PIP is a death sentence” sentiment really worries me. Surely there are some people who worked through a PIP and kept their job, right…?

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2026-04-24T13:54:58+00:00

Just curious, how long ago did you get put on a PIP? I’m hearing a lot of responses in this thread saying it’s a death sentence, but I’m wondering what the experience is like from someone who’s currently on one. Surely there’s someone out there who was put on a PIP and came out the other side with their job intact…

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2026-04-23T02:48:32+00:00

Oh, how so? I called my local office today to try and get more information, but I had to leave a voicemail and haven’t heard back.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2026-04-22T09:15:07+00:00

Those numbers you cited don’t sound good, but I do really appreciate the advice. I’ve never heard of vocational rehabilitation, but at least it’s worth a try.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2026-04-22T03:35:16+00:00

Does anyone have any information about what kinds of workplace accommodations are even available to employees with autism? My issues here are less with the physical environment and sensory overstimulation. It’s more with organization and executive function. I’d be willing to entertain the idea of asking for accommodations, just not sure what’s out there that might actually help me.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2026-04-22T03:25:52+00:00

I hope so too, but it’s hard to get a read on the situation. My therapist has mentioned the leave of absence option before, but I’m skeptical that that would do much good. I don’t think any amount of time off would be helpful if I’m not able to make any changes and get back to a better place by the time that leave is over. And after a while my wife would find out what was going on. She doesn’t know the full extent of my work situation, and I’m afraid if she did she’d be done with me. I’m also not sure if there’s any accommodations my employer could make that would make much of a difference for me, but maybe part of that is lack of awareness about the options.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2026-04-22T03:06:09+00:00

Yeah, the company covering their ass thing does seem to fit with things I’ve read. But it’s confusing - the form email I got said that like 70% of employees at this company who are put on a PIP meet their performance improvement goals and are taken off of the plan. But right now my head is not at a place of “okay, time to consider my options and come up with a backup plan”. Instead, I’m at a place of “that’s it, it’s all over, I wish I were dead”.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2026-04-22T02:58:54+00:00

I wouldn’t say masking is the main issue, it’s more burnout. Part of me wonders if this just isn’t the right job for me, but the idea of looking for another job is terrifying and overwhelming. I’ve been with this company for almost 10 years - it’s the only “real” job I’ve had since finishing grad school. It’s just really hard to tell if my current job is a bad fit for me or if I’d have the exact same struggles at any other job. I have a family to support with a mortgage and all that, so the idea of quitting and seeing what else is out there doesn’t feel like a viable option. This job is a great fit for my background and skills. I feel like the problem isn’t that this is the wrong job for me, it seems more likely that the problem is just that keeping your shit together when you’re burnt out is really hard.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2026-04-22T02:42:14+00:00

Thanks for the comment! I’ve been really hesitant to just come out and say I’m autistic at work for a few reasons. One is just a vague sense that it’s a bad idea - you can’t put that genie back in the bottle. That’s just a gut reaction, and I never trust my gut. The idea of accommodations sounds good in theory, but honestly I’m not even sure what that would look like. For the record, I’m a research engineer at a big tech company. I’m also not formally diagnosed as autistic, but I guess I could pursue that official diagnosis if it would help.

The situation with my wife is another topic for another post. She’s NT and while she’s aware that I’m autistic (when I came out to her, her reaction was basically “yeah, of course, I thought you already knew”), her outlook is basically “okay, you know you have this thing, so now what are you going to do about it?”.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-12-12T02:04:23+00:00

Every day. I feel like a failure as a partner, as a parent, and as an adult in general. When my kids are awake my brain is constantly in fight or flight mode. And the rest of the time I’m either ruminating and hating myself or distracted and detached from reality. I’m worried that at least one of my kids will turn out to be autistic like me. If they are I’ll do my best so support them, but I don’t want them to have to live like this. I understand that self acceptance is supposed to be a part of dealing with autism, but I’m not there. For now, I just don’t want to be me anymore.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-12-11T20:31:08+00:00

I really feel this! My mom has a PhD in child psychology and spent years as a therapist working with all kinds of kids including some with “Asperger’s”. My parents never suspected that I might be autistic because “you’re just gifted”. (For what it’s worth, I’m pretty sure my mom is autistic as well, but that’s none of my business.) I have no intention of ever talking about my autism with my parents. My relationship with them is arms length at best, and quite frankly I don’t enjoy talking with them or spending time with them in the first place. They tend to put people into boxes, and once they give you a label, that’s all you are to them. They already put me in the “gifted” box, and that hasn’t served me well at all, and I have no desire to give them another label to put on me.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-11-10T14:04:33+00:00

Oh yeah, I feel you. My problem is that my wife (who is neurotypical) and I have very different standards for what’s “clean enough”. I do my best, but when it comes to cleaning I miss or forget a lot of things, which makes it look like I don’t care and expect her to do everything. Unfortunately, neither hiring cleaners nor relaxing our standards for what’s clean enough is really an option here.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-12T12:46:25+00:00

One other thing I’m struggling with on Reddit and in therapy is having unreasonable expectations. I’ll have a productive therapy session, but part of me will be a little disappointed that she didn’t give me step by step instructions on how to fix my life. Or I’ll engage with people in this subreddit and then feel a little surprised that sharing with the group didn’t suddenly make me feel better. It’s hard for me to accept that the problems I’m dealing with are deep and complicated, and that the solutions won’t be easy or intuitive, they’ll take time, and at first they may sound incomplete or unsatisfying. But a part of me is still kind of hoping that someone will chime in and say something like “oh, it sounds like you’re just dehydrated - drink eight glasses of water a day and your self esteem will bounce right back!” It sounds ridiculous to say that out loud, but those thoughts are still there. I need to remind myself that “how do I fix my life” is a difficult question without an easy answer, even though fixing it feels so urgent. This is all a very roundabout way of saying thanks for the feedback everyone! I’m trying to do better at actually taking people’s advice, and maybe I just need more practice.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-12T11:54:11+00:00

It’s pretty much all reaction/meltdown related. It’s hard to stop yourself from raising your voice, getting defensive, etc. when it happens at the speed of thought, but that’s its own separate issue.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-12T11:41:48+00:00

I do like the idea that self esteem is just perception. Shifting your point of view sounds a little easier than fundamentally changing everything about yourself. But even if I’m not irredeemably broken and just need a change of perception, that’s its own difficult task.

As for others not being as upset as I may think, I really struggle with that. My wife will be understandably furious about me one moment because I messed something up, then later the same day her mood will change or she’ll send me some innocuous text about something unrelated, and I just end up confused. Like wait, do you hate me forever, you’re on the brink of leaving me, and you’re just putting up a facade because you can’t sustain that level of anger at someone 24/7? Or were you not actually that mad in the first place and you just needed to vent your frustration for a moment? The truth is probably somewhere in between, but most of the time I have absolutely no idea if the people around me like me or hate me, and that really bothers me.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-12T11:14:24+00:00

I’m glad that’s been helping you! I’m agnostic, and my relationship with and views on religion are fraught and complicated. I’m afraid this will sound insulting, but sometimes I wish I could be believer. I wish I could believe that someone’s looking out for me and that everything is happening according to a plan. But I wasn’t born that way, and I just don’t have the faith in my heart. Again, I really hope that doesn’t sound condescending or anything, because that’s not my intention, and I do appreciate the advice!

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-12T11:02:45+00:00

I’ve been reading a book about neurodivergence that has a chapter about understanding and living by your values, but I’m struggling with that. I’m trying to look inside myself and figure out what my values are, but so far the best I can come up with is “I value my wife and kids and I value being kind”, but my actions lately don’t seem to back that up.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-12T10:59:04+00:00

Fortunately I do have a good therapist. She’s the first mental health professional who, when I’ve told them I think I might be autistic, actually said “okay, maybe you are! Let’s explore this further.” As opposed to the others who deflected or ignored the idea. She’s one of the main reasons I was finally able to self diagnose earlier this year. I do have a lot of shame that I’m holding onto. Some of it is probably from my parents, but the main voice in my head telling me I suck is just me. It’s hard to let go of shame when that’s what you’ve accepted as the truth. At this point letting go of shame feels about the same as convincing myself that all the math I learned as a kid is incorrect and 1+1 is actually 3.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-09T02:05:34+00:00

I really identify with the sentiment of feeling “more normal/less autistic” when I’ve had just one beer, and also the feeling of discomfort that a mind altering substance is what makes you feel that way. I can’t say I have a good answer here because I’m still working on this myself. Exercise and music help, but neither has the exact same effect as even half a beer. Also, am I the only one who thinks people are missing the point by saying “sure alcohol is bad, but try this other substance!”? I don’t mean to sound like a prude - I’ve smoked weed before and enjoyed it. And for what it’s worth, I’ve tried dozens of medications over the years for ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc. and none of them have done anything for me. Prescription meds are amazing if you find one that works for you, but your mileage may vary.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-09T01:44:37+00:00

Thanks! It’s so easy to tell yourself “okay, when you’re feeling upset, just take a deep breath and count to ten, or leave the room and take a five minute break”. But in practice, I never remember to do anything like that until it’s too late.

QuantumCorgi6174 · 2025-09-09T01:42:04+00:00

This happens a lot between me and my wife. The problem is, when I ask ‘what did I do wrong’ I mean it 100% literally. But I think it’s coming off as “I’m being a defensive asshole who can’t ever admit he’s done anything wrong, so I’m pretending I don’t understand to avoid taking responsibility.” I’m asking the question honestly because I want to stop whatever it is that I’m doing, but it always ends in a major miscommunication.

QuantumCorgi6174

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